Hmm. Well I'm currently a Junior in High School and I should be looking into colleges along with my future and trying to get my driver's license, but I've found that I just don't have the drive to do it despite it being important. For pretty much all of High School I've been like this plus also feeling pretty not good, and just not feeling anything in general (I find that I'm just not happy and I can't really enjoy life). Ever since this has happened I've also found it hard to truly enjoy many things I once did. (I haven't really enjoyed a book, I can't be fully emotional invested in a game, and despite loving art and wishing to be an animator in the future, I haven't really drawn anything in a long time) This has also caused me to have trouble sleeping, and also affects my focus whenever I do homework. (I end up procrastinating more then I should) Instead of trying to do more productive things, I find that I tend to be more focused on playing video games or being on the computer. (YouTube). I've asked myself why I do this and why I'm like this, to which I then realize that it's too distract myself from my own mind. I have a lot of time to myself, more than I would like to, and I've come to know that it can be a bad thing as it always results in me just delving deep into my thoughts and problems to which no good comes out of that. I haven't really told my family about this (though my brother deduced that I don't have the drive to do certain things, he doesn't know the rest.) since I know that they wouldn't really understand, and I also know that there wouldn't really be anything that they can do to help. (When I've tried to tell some close friends bits of it, I find that they still don't understand as well) Although I haven't told them yet, if/when I get over this, I will. The reason for thinking that my family wouldn't be able to help me with this is because, to me, there is really only one way that could fix all of this: by being in a relationship. For all of high school so far, I've liked two girls. The first was during freshman year and the last two years of middle school. I've tried to tell her how I felt and ask her out, but in the end, I reluctantly had to move on. (In the process during that year, I lost myself a bit) That's where I started liking the second girl at the end of freshmen year. (from various instances of freshmen year, it seemed as if she liked me) I'm a junior now. From being told from friends and from inferences from myself, I know that she most likely doesn't have feelings for me. Despite knowing this, I find that I still like her. I still feel happy, if only for a moment, whenever I see or talk to her. From other instances of this year and sophomore year, I've tried to move on or ignore my feelings multiple times, yet I just can't get over her.(By the end of sophomore year, I wanted to tell her how I truly felt, yet was unable to and I constantly beat myself up over it. For all of that summer, I found that I was constantly thinking about her whether I wanted to or not. She appeared in my dreams more frequently than anyone else besides me, and whenever I would be somewhere, I just couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if I was there with her) (There was also a time this year where after saying Hi to her, my close friend jokingly said that she hated me. Even though it was a joke, for the rest of the day until lunch, I just felt terrible and tried my best not to cry and maintain a stoic demeanor. It wasn't until I got a something that said it was from her that I felt better, but It wasn't really her that did it I later found out.) I just don't really know what to do. I don't know If I'll ever be able to continue and advance on in life and in my future without this. I ask myself what is my drive for continuing on If I can't focus on my future, and I then realize that it's to see and talk to her. I also just don't think that/know if I would be able to take hearing from herself that she doesn't like me.
I apologize for all of this text, but I feel that I can't explain this without the full picture.
Writing this out was hard for me, but I feel that I could use some advice right now.