Text The weapon that was not met to be

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 1

I was walking in a castle until a was attacked by a boy with a blade. Wait this doesn

[heartless101 83]

1. Needs better grammar. 2. Needs better spelling.

[Stardustblade358 806]

Very nice.Uniqque and different.I like it.Please write more.

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

way to rep san antonio mane

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 2

I woke up in a jail cell. I got up and saw that there was nobody in the room. I went and sat on the bed trying to remeber what happened and how i got here. I remeber that i got a sword that had five dragon mark's. That my best friend was killed by a gun men that i killed.''Guess that's why i'm in this jail cell''.I said. A poilce man walked in and was not alone in the room. There was my parent's and Kato's parents.'' You killed my son. Why did you do that?''Said Kato's mom. I got anger! They are saying that i killed my best friend.'' You are mad i did not kill Kato. why would i kill my best friend try to answer that.''I yelled. The dragon blade appered in my hand and for some reason i yelled!'' STARDUST DRAGON!''I yelled. The wall was destoryed and i jumped though the hole and went into the forest.I hitted a tree, But before i passed out a man saw me with the sword in my hand.

[Stardustblade358 806]

This is great!Please write more!

[heartless101 83]

Pretty good besides a few grammar mistakes

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

awesome dude, more chapters =D

[Sigrun 1,064]

intense story i like it!

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 3

I was sleeping and the last thing i remeber was that i destoryed a wall. My body chose to take a little trip. I was in a stange realm and i knew that i was New York. I was walking in the streets of it, But there was nobody walking and i knew this was stange. I stoped at Times Square. I saw a dragon flying over the building. I took a look at it, But when i did that the image faded and i was in darkness. I saw a light and i went to it.

I woke up and founded myshelf in a bed. I thought this is stange because i thought i was in the forest. A man was beside me and he was reading a book. He had long black hair and in which it looked like he had red eyes. I was looking at the room which had nothing but a bed. My sword was beside me. The man saw i was awake and putted his book down.'' Looks like your awake and its now to tell you why your here''said The man.

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

aweosome chapter. but try and work on ur grammar a bit. instead of "putted" just use "put"

[Sora not Roxas 0]

(Before reading it):Hmm, this might be interesting.

 

(after reading) Uh...ok...lets see. How can I put this in a way that you will understand. Darn! I was wishing for more!! I can't believe you stopped right there! . Not bad dude, not bad at all. But I want to see you right more y'know? I actually felt sorry for your friend in the story, but the whole jail part, I was kind of suspecting that his parents would accuse you. Hmph seems kind of messed up though. Considering the other dude was there. But I guess with one gun, two dead bodies and another guy who has no weapon in his hand but some how is alive out of the three would be a suspect.

 

Anyway as my collies stated earlier, the only problem you have right now is a few grammar mistakes. Otherwise you got your self a nice little story going here. Keep it up. Also a little more detail might do. As far as saying places like NYC or San Ant to describe the landscape, which was good. You can describe a little more like the jail cell for how it looks and...you know little stuff like- ok I'm babbling never-mind.

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 4

I was looking at the man stange. He said that i was here for a reason, But what was it. Want i'm doing it again let me go back 2 hours. Okay i'm in the bed and the man was about to talk to me.'' Wait i' here for a reason? What are you talking about'' I said. I was thinking about what to do since i'm in a stange place. The man putted his book down and started to speak.'' You have something thats not met to be. It the sword you used on the man who killed you friend.'' Said the man.'' So your saying that i have a sword that's not met to be.''I said.'' Well the sword was made a long time ago when 6 dragon's roam the earth. They were getting to strong and a warrior sealed them in a sword that was not met to be.''said the man.

Okay we are now 2 hours later. I got up and went outside. I was in a castke that had five dragon statue's on the castle. I went inot the forest and founded the man there.'' Who are you''I Asked.'' I'm Danzo nice to meet you and i'm going to train you in the ways of that sword.''Said Danzo.

[Think Pink 1,967]

Some advice:

I found that post VERY difficult to decipher. -_-

For your stories to be more enjoyable, you have to make them READABLE. It only takes a few extra seconds to hit the right keys to spell a word correctly. I really don't believe that texting excuse--it's just being lazy. Also, as I've said many, MANY times before, the only way your stories would ever be published or get a lot of readers is if you use proper spelling and grammer. Your grammer has improved a little bit, but not much. =/ Your spelling has gotten worse, if anything. Just take the little extra effort to make it easier to read and more enjoyable for everyone. On a side note (this is me being picky), you don't always have to use the word "said" if someone's talking. You could use words like, "muttered", "murmered", "wished", "stammered", "hollered", ect. Changing up your vocabulary just a little bit.

Don't take my crit the wrong way--I'm sounding kind of blunt.

[heartless101 83]

Try to better spelling, and also use the "enter" button after every 4 lines. And also do "2 hours later" not "Okay, we're 2 hours later" because that doesn't make sense. And also lexi has a really good point (Btw, take criticsism for once. What we're doing is CRITICSISM. Everyone gives criticsism. If you can't take criticsism then don't write stories )

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

great chaper, it was hard to understand but when i figured it out, it was great. try to use better english, if u can.

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 5

I was looking at Danzo who said'' I'm going to train you in the ways of the darhon sword.''. I went to my room and layed on the bed which had dragon statue's on the floor and a booksleve that had history book's of the world. I opened up the book that had the history of the dragon's in it. Right when i opened the book i was pulled into it by a hand that came out of it.

 

I was in a small town. I walked in the town and saw that they had a tower that had warrior's protecting it. I walked to the tower, But the warrior's stopped me from going in. I then went to the forest which was a bad move, Because when i enterd it i was sended to another time.

 

I got up and saw a man that had a sword and saw 7 dragon's figthing the man. The dragon's rushed to he man, But when the man rose his sword i was pushed out of the book.Okay never to do that agaon i told myshelf. I then walked out the door and saw Danzo waiting for me.

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

good chapter, but tis hard to tell whose talking because u dont put " said ______"

[Godot 513]

DISCLAIMER: This post contains constructive criticism. Please don't get mad at me like other people on this site; I'm trying to help. ;/

 

1. Punctuation only works when you use it correctly. There are several times when you put a comma where there's supposed to be a period, or an apostrophe where it's not needed.

 

2. You need to give your sentences more variety, i.e. switching between simple sentences and long ones. If you only use simple sentences, the story seems choppy and uninteresting. If you only use long sentences, it's very rambley and hard to read.

 

3. DESCRIPTION, DESCRIPTION, DESCRIPTION. I should be able to see everything your characters are seeing, and feel everything they're feeling. Instead, you give short, boring descriptions that really don't tell me a lot about the setting. It makes the story seem rushed and makes you seem like you really just didn't give a shit.

 

4. The characters. Oh my God, the characters. Neku is a Stu, Danzo is boring, and Kato...I really don't know anything about, since he was literally in the story for 2 sentences. You need an exposition; take some time to explain the characters, their personalities, and their relationships. Jumping right into the action is the worst possible thing you could ever do. All stories, believe it or not, rely on characters to keep them going. If you're characters are uninteresting, the plot will be too.

 

5. Speaking of the plot, it actually seems like a really really good idea. Though not the most original, I have a feeling you could do a lot with it. "Could" being the keyword there. You seem like you were trying to write as fast as you could just so that you could finish a chapter. That's not what you want to do. A couple paragraphs =/= a chapter; it should be 2-3 pages in Microsoft Word, at the very least. If you really can't think of anything else to add, look at your descriptions. Did you describe the setting as thoroughly as you possibly could? Did you say something about what the characters think? Adding to those will actually make your story a lot longer, which IS a good thing.

 

Every plot needs at least 6 things: an exposition, an inciting incident, rising action, a climax, falling action, and a conclusion. Look 'em up, luv.

 

6. Spell check is your friend. Self-explanatory.

 

 

Even though I sound sort of harsh, don't take anything I've said offensively, m'kay? c: Like I said before, I only criticize because I want to help.

[Think Pink 1,967]

DLC summed up most of my points much better than I could've.

 

It's nice to see in the last chapter that you were truly trying to improve, but there's still a long way to go. If you're thirteen, then you're either in seventh or eighth grade. Clearly old enough to have written a BUNCH of papers for English, science fair projects, ect. Just apply that kind of thing to these stories and I'm sure you'll improve some more.

[terraxaqua34 98]

Chapter 6

I was walking with Danzo to the training room. We got there and i saw that it had dragon statue's, Black floor, And alot of training dummies.'' This is where i will train you in the ways of the dragon sword.''said Danzo. I was wondering if he had a bond with this sword thats in my hand. I walked further in the room until i saw a boy walking up to me. I was freaked out when i saw the boy.'' Hello Neku i'm glad your not in jail.''Said the boy.'' Kato is that really you?''i asked. Kato looked different. He had long black hair with red eyes and a wing.'' Yes Neku i'm alive and well that was a clone of me during the shooting, but yes it is me.'' said Kato. I was happy that my best friend was alive.'' Kato here had a bound sword. It's like your dragon sword, But it has different monster's in it.''said Danzo as he summoned a fighting ring.'' Here you and Kato will fight and become stronger. Ready begin!''yelled Danzo.

[Godot 513]

Much, much better. 8D You're starting to improve, so keep it up~ ;D

[Marth 338]

everyone leave terraxaqua32 alone

[Space Cowboy 1,392]

This story needs a lot of work man , keep trying

 

@bbs. I believe its 34 kthx.

[Stardustblade358 806]

It's very good.Unique and exiting.I like it.Please write more.