Text A tetsuya story not made by him

[Think Pink 1,967]

Your grammer has improved amazingly from your first post, but I would say this is that great yet. I mean, it's not an absolute fail that you've got to trash it, but I still see quite a bit of room for improvement. Don't just space inbetween the commas you do have--use more of them. Also, I couldn't tell at parts if he was saying or thinking. Don't put just one person's words in the whatchamacallem "talking bubble things." It's confusing, because I can't tell if your character is saying or thinking the words ._. The chapters could also be a lot longer.

 

Again, don't take my crit the wrong way. (:

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

what lexi said, and ur starting to kindve go back into a script format in a way.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Kairi!

 

Her light shines to bright for darkness to overcome her.She looks around wondering if anyone is left,but there is none.

"Sora,comeback" Kairi pleads,"We need your help!"

She tried running back were Sora left.

Kairi came across a beam of light from the darkened sky only to find her nightmare.

 

**At the same time in a different realm**

 

"My heart is mine,it just takes time." One man says to himself.

 

The man is unidentified as far as anyone knows.

But he does know about Sora and the keyblade.

His name is Roxas.

 

** Back at the darkened Island**

"Riku, fight the darkness inside of you!" Sora says with a tight fist.

 

It was to late for Sora. Even past his dark eyes there was no light in there.

Sora tried summoning the keyblade,but these results were different.

Instead,he sommoned a dark corridor and ran inside before Riku attacked him.

 

Sora had no idea where he landed this time.He reached into his left pocket and pulled out the good luck charm from Kairi. He grabbed it tight and cried.

 

"Riku,Kairi,I will fix everything."

 

 

 

 

I'm sorry if yo don't understand what is going on but I am dealing with multiple sides here.

 

Thanks for reading though.

[Think Pink 1,967]

Ehh, I get what's going on, sorta, but I would, again, reccomend improving your grammer =/

Space between periods, commas, ect. Also, when talking in "these text bubble things that I still can't remember the names of," you have to put something at the end. You can't just write, "that's it". You have to put "that's it." A period, exclamation point, SOMETHING at the end of it. At a point or two, though, it seemed like you were talking in present tense, and then switched to past tense. You can only write in one 'tense'.

More people would read your stories and they'd be more enjoyable if you just improved these things.

[Ai Enma 7]

I just love your story and don't really mind about the errors because no ones perfect write? But really nice story and check out my story on here Samirai the Unknown Child.

 

Awesome Story!

 

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

lexi! THEY are called "quotation marks" =DDDDD

 

and its a great chapter, but ur kindve TELLING whats going on, not describing it.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

I am busy so I have to make this quick.

 

Tsunade, is that you? Kairi questioned. The one man behind her spoke an excited yet evil voice sayng, "Her heart now belongs to mine,and so will yours.

 

Got to go but if you can scramble Tsunade and put an "X" in it I will use it.

[heartless101 83]

Nice your improving (:

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Maybe Stedunax or Xatdesun

Please come up with a name. Tsunade with an X.

[KingOFHearts 19]

LOL your story is good.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Let's just finish this (sora's point of view)

 

I fell threw the sky with no idea where I would land next. But as I fell I felt warmer and warmer. Landing on the ground I open my eyes and saw the cloaked man again. Tsunade was in front of him,except now she is darkened. I stood in front of kairi trying to protect her.She grabbed my left hand and summoned a keyblade into it and said,"Let's do this together".

We pointed at the heart of tsunade and a beam of light went through her heart and the man's. They were both unconscious

so I thought we could find out the man's identity. I pulled his hood back and Kairi says something that really surprises me.

Daddy!

[Think Pink 1,967]

An improvement, I guess, but use spell checker. It checks your grammer as well, and that's where you need to improve most.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

let's go some more.

 

 

Kairi,this is your dad? I thought to myself what I have done here.

[Think Pink 1,967]

Okay, I have found three flaws:

 

Grammar:

Work on it, hun. x3 The second sentance is wrong, and you space after a comma.

 

The length:

Two sentances? You haven't even taken up a line. Don't bother writing if you can't bother writing more than a line. ._.

 

Plot:

We're going practically nowhere now. That leads in to the length part. This seems like stalling. =/

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

I am very busy! Please stop with the comments. Lexi, I understand what you mean about plot so I am finished.

Here is what was going to happen.

 

Sora hugs kairi, Kingdom hearts appears in the darkened sky, everyone wakes from unconsciousness, the real Riku shows up, kairi's dad uses the darkness inside him to let them go home, and the three become ninjas.

 

I am finished. I will clear the story in a week and a half. Although the story was not put together well, the idea was still spread.

[Think Pink 1,967]

Just 'cause your busy doesn't mean you can't put a teensy bit more effort into it. >.>

 

Will there be a sequel, though?

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Maybe, but it won't be a story. I will call it the adventures of Sora and Naruto. But first, I have to watch Naruto more often