Text A tetsuya story not made by him

[Think Pink 1,967]

Um, have you read a book before? You don't need to write in script--people know who's talking. Like, Sam sighed. "Yeah, that'd be cool." (random fail line off the top of my head fails ._.)

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

u cans till know whose talking without script look:

 

instead of:

During the night when the Island got sucked,

Kairi:Sora get out of there and into the hut!

Sora: Grr! Whoa! This thing is sucking me iiiinnnnnnnn

( Sreams and gets sucked in. meanwhile in a different place)

 

use:

"Sora! get out of there and into the hut! the island is getting sucked in!" screamed kairi. and she was right. this whole island is all going to that huge swirling mass of purple and black. "Whoa! Im getting sucked iiiinnnn" replied sora, in a desperate yell, not knowing what is happening.

 

***Meanwhile, In a different world***

 

 

you see? that was much better and more detailed...its in a paragraph form and not in a script

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Okay let's try anew.

 

Sora looked up at the ceiling wondering if those thoughts were really going to happen. So Naruto tried calming Sora until he can even breathe correctly.

"Was it a nightmare or something",Naruto said worried about Sora.

"Have you ever had a dream..that..you thought probrably would become true?",Sora silently asked under his breath.

Sure! I've wanted to become a hokage for a long time.

"I'm gonna be!" Naruto yelled with all his lungs.

No, this is different.This is not good.

 

Better? It took a while, but I didn't want to take long. Tell me what you think.[/size]

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

excellent.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

"Let get out of here,I'm sure this can't be fake",Sora commanded while jumping out of bed.

***Flashback inside his dream***

"Sora,we are coming right for you and kingdom hearts will be done.", the mysterious man whispered. "What do you mean? Stop with the games!",Sora argued. This is no game if so,why would I come to you?

** as the mysterious man says fading away**

"Wait come back!" Sora yelps.

 

** Back in real world**

So you had a mysterious dream? So what, everyone does!

"But listen Lady Tsunade, does it seem odd to you that a lot of heartless and nobodies came the other day?

Hmm. Now that you say such it does.

 

I am planing out the rest now

Tell me what you think

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

your are DEFINATELY getting better. keep up the progress

[Think Pink 1,967]

This is much better ^^

Thanks so much for trying to improve!

 

Although, being the grammer freak I am, I had to point out a few little things:

 

"Was it a nightmare or something",Naruto said worried about Sora.

"Was it a nightmare or something?" Naruto said, worried about Sora.

 

No, this is different.This is not good.

No, this is different. This is not good.

 

Besides a few grammatical errors like those, a great improvement ^^

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Thank you!

 

"Wait a minute, has anyone noticed that we have never seen them before until sora came?",Naruto interrupts.

So you mean as long as Sora is here they will keep coming?

Yeah Grandma!

"Sora, tell me specifically were do they come from!" Tsunade scolds.

"You don't have to yell",Sora says scared to even talk.

But they come from the darkness in peoples hearts.

And they search desperately for the keyblade.

"Then I order you to leave!",Tsunade commands.

" But....okay, I see", Sora says about to cry.

"Wait!" some girl yells.

That voice... it's......familiar

 

By the way it takes about eight minutes to do.

[Think Pink 1,967]

That took eight minutes? Spell checker is much more convinient than doing it yourself, lol.

 

The improvement's really clear. There's still room for much more, but you're on your way (:

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Oh, butterflylexi I will correct those. Thanks for pointing this out. I'm only twelve by the way

[Think Pink 1,967]

I turned thirteen just a few weeks ago. Age is just a number, hun ;D It's got nothing to do with skill.

 

Also, just call me lexi (:

[SuperPunk 13]

[/claps] Nice~

You've improved a lot =)

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Sora turns around to the girl with the familiar voice. Kairi!

"Wow, you're okay!",Sora says excited about seeing her again.

Oh yeah, I did tell you she was here.

Although Sora found kairi he still has to find Riku. So he leaves the room with a sad and gloomy face without another word spoken.

"What's wrong with him, I thought he would be happy",Kairi wonders.

 

Even though Sora doesn't know which way to go he still walks.

"Well, I still have to find a way out of here",Sora says to himself.

 

 

I have to go help my mom but I will write more slightly later

[Protoman 1,974]

12 Year olds can at least try.

This story, although improved from a Script, is still really bad and short. I mean, there isn't alot of detail, there isn't alot of depth...

You're really not taking you time on this story.

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

dude theres a differenct between constructive criticism and bieng rude. instead of saying there bad, tell him ways he can improve. if u cnt think of anything they just back off.

 

ur improving xray, keep it up

[Godot 513]

^Dooood, there's a difference between giving an opinion and being rude. -V- is actually right...though the story is better now that it's no longer in script format, it still needs a lot of work.

 

You can't just type out the first thing that comes to mind and call it a story; you need to actually think about it. Authors always make multiple drafts of their stories, and, sometimes, even the final draft isn't perfect.

[heartless101 83]

Nice job You've improved a lot (:

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

May not write.. I have kh bbs now so I will play it

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

ahh man!

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

don't worry so this is what happens

 

Sora walks through the forest outside of the village. There is a spooky black mist in the air.

"Hello my slave." some strange and familiar voice says to Sora.

Sora realizes that that is the voice from Sora nightmare.

"What do you want?" Sora angrily speaks.

The strange man walks through Sora like a ghost and makes a dark corridor.

He pushes him in without telling him anything......But this.

"I'm sorry....Sora!" the man whispers as he leaves going to an unknown destination.

 

I will write more now. But anwser this question though. I have a good internet connection but when I go to the mirage arena it does not have anyone there. Is there no one there? Or is there something wrong.... I do use ad hoc mode too

[Think Pink 1,967]

Remember: capatalize at the beginning of a sentance. Also, commas will be your best friend ^^ This is a very short chapter... I'd ask for them to be a little longer =/ You can take the time to do that before you post, and people'll enjoy it more.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Okay I'll do that

 

Having no idea where Sora was,he looked around and only found a realm of darkness. "Hmm,why is it so dark in here?" Sora asked himself.

" SORA is that YOU?", someone yelled in the distance.

Sora couldn't not even see his own body,so he followed the voice.

"I can't see,it is so dark!" Sora screamed in the distance.

He really couldn't,there was no light at all. He tripped and fell over somethimg he could not see. A rock,a person,or something else? Sora cried on the dark floor,thinking of not seeing anyone else again.

"Do you need help,Sora?" The voice said again.

Riku? Ugh!

Sora fainted as the man with the familiar voice carried him.

Sora awoke a few hours later.

 

"Wait,so,this isn't a dream?" Sora moaned as he wakes up.

Sora,it's me, RIKU.

 

Riku? How did you get here too?

 

Some man was controlling me,and made me do terrible things.

He was full of darkness and put lots of in me.

 

"So is that why you can see in this darkness?" Sora asked as he realized something.

 

Wait a minute, I can see too!

 

It looks just like the island!

"You can see because you have grown a custom to the darkness" Riku explains to Sora.

 

Better?

[Think Pink 1,967]

S P A C E between commas, lol. Since you were talking about the Destiny Islands, you'd say 'Islands' not 'islands', lol. There are some other spelling and grammer errors--try using spellchecker.

 

Don't take my crit the wrong way. I tend to sound mean, but I really don't mean to be.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Don't worry it is just words on a computer.

 

Can't write for a long while, but if you have any request, I will put them in very later. (Because I can't write for a while)

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Okay, let's write.

 

So you mean I am one with the darkness?

"Yes Sora, and this world will never be the same!"Riku says as his voice changes strangely.

 

Riku,are you okay? "Sora, good bye." Riku says with a million tears rolling down his cheeks.

Sora thinks to himself about what is wrong with Riku.

His voice is changing fast,and now,he looks as if he wishes to fight sora.

 

**Meanwhile**

 

"M'lady someone is coming aft-" Shizune says as stabbed with a lance.

 

"Your heart is mine now!" The hooded man whispers.

Get away from me!

 

There is a scream heard in the distance.

Even though the village is full of heartless and nobodies,there is only one survivor.

 

And that is......