Text A tetsuya story not made by him

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Sora: when was she here?

Tsunade: about three hours ago

Sora: three hours? (oh great now even she has to meet this person)

Tsunade: I'll let you do a liitle free roam... you know check out the place.

Sora:Okay

Tsunade: oh, and check out the gym under my mouth

Sora: your mouth (her mouth?? what does she mean)

Tsunade: just go check out the village

(outside)

Naruto: so how was it

Sora: she said under her mouth there is a gym

Naruto: up there

Sora: OH! ( so she wasn't crazy)

Naruto: you also need to check out her J.C. Nade

(J.C. Penny in Naruto form)

Sora: yeah okay but what is that

Naruto: get some new clothes there.

Sora: well these clothes are getting to small

Naruto: yep so try it out

[terraxaqua34 98]

write more its getting funny

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

( In J.C. Nade)

Store clerk: Yes sir how may I help you

Sora: I would like to have these

Store clerk: that would be $9.07

(BBS release date)

Sora: uh oh (I forgot this place uses money)

Sora....do you accept bits of string?

Store clerk: no but you can do one thing to get that clothing

Sora: yeah

( Work at J.C nade)

Sora: this is so degrading.

Sora: Hey I now you you're cloud. hey buddy

Cloud: **cries**

Sora:What are you doing here

Cloud: I got fired from final fantasy so i work here

Sora: oh well I have to clean the bathrooms

Clouds: Oh yeah the one on the right is girls

Sora: Thanks

( walks in)

Girl: ah! pervert!

Sora: curse you cloud!

[terraxaqua34 98]

funny more please

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

LOL I GOT FIRED FROM FINAL FANTASY!!!!!!!! i gotta hand it to u...this story makes no sense but it sure as hell is funny

[Stardustblade358 806]

I wonder what he did to get fired from Final Fantasy. Please write more!This is really funny!

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Store clerk: Okay you are finished good bye sora

Sora: thank god that's over

Sasuke: I didn't know you were religous

Sora:hey (He really needs some new clothes)

Sasuke: so where you headed next?

Sora: A place to relax,this job is stressful

Sasuke: try the hot springs

Sora: okay and where is that

Sasuke: about one tenth of a mile west

Sora: !@$!@&!#!^( In a good way)

( at hot springs)

Sora: ah man they are closed.....

Sora: I have an idea..so big.. that my head would explode even if I began to know what I was thinhing about?

Sora: I'll use the keyblade!

 

Sorta tired....cut short i will keep writing though

[terraxaqua34 98]

nice for useing a family guy line but please write more

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Sora: ah this feels better than sex in the secret place

(warphole like on kh2)

???:sora you need to open the door

Sora: ah crap not this $#!+ again

??? :No you really need to open the door you locked everybody else out

people:open the door man

Sora: oh well.

( after letting people in)

Sora: i wonder what happened to everyone else

??? we are right here

Sora: an organization member...how do I know you

??? because sora, I AM YOUR FATHER

Sora:That's not true.. that's impossible

???:open your eyes sora

 

 

Naruto: open your eyes!

Sora:wha

Naruto: you went to sleep in the water so I put you in bed

Sora: I had a dream about the organization they are coming to kill us all

Naruto: did you drown your brain...I know it hurts

 

Okay first I will tell you that when this disscusion...or story goes out I will have the same title with a 2

[terraxaqua34 98]

please write more

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Remember move to a tetsuya story not made by him

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

this is going donw the toilet...sora is way too out of character

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

sorry I haven't been writing I got a warning

 

Naruto: You okay you look freak out( like I did when I ate Ichiraku's special)

Sora: The organization is coming

 

 

 

just a start off

 

I can't write anymore but come to the exact same subject tommorow

 

Something Funny as a leave

Don't have sex with the nobodies or you will become one..

 

Jiraiya has a small penis

 

Good night

[Space Cowboy 1,392]

What the hell?

[Godot 513]

I was skimming through, saw the words "J.C. Penny", and took a double take. But I was right.

 

You best be trollin'. : |

[SuperPunk 13]

If this was more of a story than dialect, I'd be interested in it....

Try not to make it just what they say. I'm so lost.

[RoxSox 3,593]

Allow me to give you a completely honest review. Because, unlike everyone else in this thread, I'm not afraid to speak my whole, truthful mind.

 

This story, from the title to the content, is a cluster-fu** of failure.

If you lack the creativity to form a complete sentence with proper details and emotion? Don't bother writing.

 

And even as a screenplay, it doesn't give you the excuse not to use proper grammar. Bad grammar can quickly lose your hold on a readers attention. A theosaurous, a dictionary, and spellcheck can be your best friends when writing a fan fiction.

 

Then, when you're so shallow as to use sexual themes and jokes:

Don't have sex with the nobodies or you will become one..

 

Jiraiya has a small penis

 

Sora: ah this feels better than sex in the secret place

 

That just means you need to get your fingers away from the keyboard, you need to turn your PC off, and you need to go and actually think of a plotline.

 

I could tell from the get-go that you made this up as you went along.

And that, my friend, is NEVER the way to do it.

It leads to plot holes, anti-climax, shallow character development*, and to top it off, it makes you look like a fool.

 

*Speaking of characters, allow me to just say that they are all horribly our of their personality, and if you expect believability, this needs to be fixed.

 

In conclusion,

I can't really give any further constructive criticism (f you can even call it that.), because there's really nothing to construct on.

The story from paragraph one one dimensional, boring, and I had a hard time reading it.

I know this is all very harsh, I know it is, but I'm saying it to be kind.

Why? Well... for one, I feel these people reading your story may be giving you false hope. Because they are making it out to be better then it actually is.

Just, please, before you complain to me about being cruel towards you, at least try to follow my advice, because it may do you well in making your story(ies) more popular.

[Antrium 10]

OK... the fact that you got so many replies to a insignificant piece of crap like this is insane! I mean you have no plot, no descriptions, and profanity. This part of the forum is for writer's who actually know something about using their words to entertain, not waste people's time like you have.

 

All-in-All don't post anything unless you know what you are doing.

 

Take what little dignity you have left and go on your way... please though when you develop this more come back and show us what you have made, K?

[heartless101 83]

Alright, I'm stating my opinion as well.

To be honest, this is pretty bad I mean, I like Naruto and Kingdom Hearts, but this does not make any sense no offense. I could tell you only made this up as you went along. And also btw Screenplay + Bad Grammar = Bad Story no offense. And also, since you wrote this in your story:Don't have sex with the nobodies or you will become one..

 

Jiraiya has a small penis

Sora: ah this feels better than sex in the secret place

 

 

I felt as if this is stupid. I mean seriously, this is all really gross stuff and I feel as if you need to turn off your PC and actually think of a good plot no offense.

[Think Pink 1,967]

As they said before, it'd be nice if you could stop with the sex jokes. That's just being uncreative. I let my younger brothers, who are usually on here with me, start reading this story 'cause they like Naruto and KH, but the second I saw that I had to click the computer off. Luckily, them being younger, I read faster and saw it before they did, so they didn't see anything. But there are little kids who go on this website, and there are a lot of us who AREN'T kids and really find these jokes disgusting and lame.

 

As for the overall writing in the story:

This isn't a story. This is a screen play. A screen play trying to pass for a story = very, very bad. Plus, I don't think Sora would ever say or even THINK half of those lines. I don't know much about Naruto, but I'm assuming they're pretty out-of-character, too. I don't know what on earth your characters are thinking or feeling, which is crucial to a story.

 

Before you randomly write this all down, you might want to have an idea of what your chapter's going to be about. Trust me, a publishing company would turn this down just reading the first sentance. There IS a spell check button, you know.

 

Don't take this TOO harshly. It's just that we offered advice to really improve your story early, and you ignored us Now it's becoming offensive, kind of lame, boring, and badly written.

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

Okay don't worry, I don't take any of it offensive. It is just words on a computer. But if you think it is bad,then I will stop writing.But at least the idea was spread.

[Think Pink 1,967]

We're not saying the IDEA is bad, though there have been crossovers like this before. We're saying the way it's WRITTEN could be improved. You should keep writing it, but leave out the sex jokes, and tell it in proper story manner with proper spelling and grammer. ^^

[Antrium 10]

Okay don't worry, I don't take any of it offensive. It is just words on a computer. But if you think it is bad,then I will stop writing.But at least the idea was spread.

 

That is good that you do not take any offense to this because we all know that you put your time into this project... I would love to see this comeback as a real story that we all can enjoy with no sexual themes or language. Personally i like Naruto and obviously I love KingdomHearts but my personal opinion is that give yourself a week or two and comeback and start a new thread with another or the same story.

[ReAcTioN BbS 0]

yeah i wanted to read this because i love kh and know NOTHING about naruto and wanted to elarn about it...but the only thing i learned is that he saw kairi...and i dont think sora would go work at a jc penny with cloud because he got fired from final fantasy. i see people telling you to write it in a story more than like a play...but thats not the only way to do it..ive read plenty of these things that are like plays but the only difference is , is that they all have detail and describe what there thinking/feeling. this was a great idea except make the characters act like themselves and not some sex-addicted freaks...im telling you this because I WANT you to keep writing...i think it was a great idea but maybe just think it through more ok?

[Xray0698@yahoo 5]

I only write it as a script so readers know who's talking. But I WILL continue and use less foul language. And to tell the truth, I really am making this up as I go. Even that is bad enough. I do plan what is going to happen next. One more thing, if you do not like the story do not read it.

 

KHBBS is tomorrow!