Kingdom Hearts: BullSHIT HD ReMIX

[Firaga 5,947]

Hello, denizens of KH13, welcome to the return of the stupidest idea I’ve ever come up with. Yes, even more stupid than 5 Questions.

 

For those of you not in the know, because you gotta be in the know to know you know, I used to have an interactive story called “Kingdom Hearts: The Bullshit Chronicles” where I would basically make shit up and allow the audience to help contribute to said shit as well.

 

And now I’m bringin’ it back! That’s right, it’s time now for the rebirth of BSC, now dubbed “BullSHIT HD ReMIX” to fit in line with the re-mastered and re-released collections of Kingdom Hearts games that we’ve all come to know and love. Mostly. Which is a perfect allegory for this series.

 

Now then, without further ado: Onward! To Bullshittery!!

 

== Episode 1: The Bullshit Awakens ==

 

Destiny Islands… uh… it’s a place. Yeah, honestly, I probably should be describing this setting with a lot of detail that sets the mood but… the people who’ve talked about it are right, this place is not only small, but it. Is. Boring.

 

I mean, there’s sand… and wood… and trees… it's inhabited by hippies… oh yeah, that’s where we are by the way. I should probably stop screwing around and narrate this properly. I’ll do that, starting now, here we go, ahem…

 

Sitting blissfully on top of a thick yellow tree that bore fruit shaped like the stars above were three young kids, two boys and a girl. Sora, Riku, and Kairi. They were watching the sun set over the horizon, taking in the simple nature of their small little world as they had always done, knowing that though their space was limited, the outstretch of the entire universe they inhabited was limitless. That is because the countless other worlds and places they’ve visited in the past would always live on in spirit within their hearts, the comfort of—

 

“Uh, hey, you know we can hear you right?” said Sora, directing his attention away from the sunset and towards my direction where I stood hidden behind one of the stray coconut trees.

 

“We can see you, too” Kairi then said. Unfortunately, I did not realize that my body was very noticeable. These coconut trees aren’t that wide.

 

“Well, that didn’t work,” I said, stepping out from my hiding spot. “Uh, how you doing guys, its me. Sensei!” I greeted.

 

“Oh great. What’s your insidious plan to torture us this time?” Riku asked. Like a prick.

 

“What, are you guys still sore about all those other misadventures we had? Come on, we had some good times during all that.”

 

“Maybe for you, but all we remember is heartache,” Riku said, Sora and Kairi nodding in agreement like the sheep they are.

 

“Yeah, no offense but uh, it just wasn’t all that fun,” Sora said. Dumbass.

 

“Plus you always seem to pick on us for no reason. It’s not very nice,” Kairi said. Twat.

 

“Oh please, you three aren’t even doing anything remotely important anyway, the third game is taking forever to come out. And has been for years!”

 

“How is that our problem?” Riku scoffed.

 

“Blegh, look, let me just tell you the deal, alright?” I began. “I’m doing a reboot of my Bullshit Chronicles thing—“

 

“Not surprised that it’s another reboot—“

 

“Let me fiiiiiniiiiish…” Once again, prick. “Ahem. As I was saying: I’m making a reboot of BSC and I need you three to help out and do your usual thing again. Trust me, it’s gonna be great. It’ll have more wacky shenanigans, more twists, more turns, more user interaction—“

 

“Wait, what does that last part mean? Are there more people involved with this?” Sora asked.

 

“Well, of course. Didn’t you hear me talking to the audience about what choices they had to decide the next event and all that? I’d do it at the end of every episode.”

 

“We just thought you were talking to yourself because you were lonely and didn’t have any friends,” Kairi said.

 

“… I’m going to ignore that. Anyways, I already know you guys are going to be down for this entire ordeal, so let’s just—“

 

“Wait wait wait, hold on a second,” Riku said, interrupting me. Again. “Nobody is agreeing to this. Right, Sora? Kairi?” The two stayed silent for a moment, looking away from their stick-up-the-ass best friend, as if saying, “well… we kinda do actually.”

 

“Well… we kinda do actually.” See?

 

“Are you kidding me? You’re seriously just going to go along with this like you did last time without putting in even a fraction of rational thought into your decision?”

 

“Pretty much,” Kairi said.

 

“And you’re gonna say yes anyway, so why not?” Sora said. “At the very least, we’ll all be together, right?”

 

Riku buried his face in his hands and took a deep sigh. “… Fine. F-Fine, let’s just get it over with.”

 

“Yay!” Sora and Kairi cheered.

 

“Now that we’ve finished our afterschool special, let’s get crackin’!” I exclaimed, immediately snapping my fingers and making a giant pirate ship appear in the nearby ocean.

 

“Whoa, a pirate ship! That’s so cool!” Sora said. He may be dumb but as least he’s enthusiastic. “It also kinda looks like the Black Pearl that Captain Sparrow has…”

 

“That, my spikey haired friend, is because it is Black Pearl. I borrowed it.”

 

“And by borrow, do you mean steal?” My mom, or I’m sorry, Riku asked.

 

“Already trying to be the party pooper, are we? Look, don’t worry about it, he won’t even notice it’s gone.”

 

== Meanwhile, In Port Royal ==

 

“Ah, nothin’ like a good bottle of rum to finish off a nice meal,” hummed Jack Sparrow, belly full of both food and booze as he walked down the docks.

 

“Now, I’d find a short voyage on the Pearl to be sav—“ the captain stopped his sentence as well as his tracks when he realized that the ship that had been anchored near the shore had completely disappeared.

 

“… SON OF A BI—“

 

== Aaaaand Back To The Story ==

 

The three islanders now found themselves sailing across the ocean in their newly acquired ship. Riku of course was manning the steer while Sora and Kairi… just kinda stood there and looked at the water.

 

“Hey, we’re doing stuff!” Sora lied.

 

“Where are you anyway, Sensei? You’re not hiding again are you?” said Kairi.

 

Nope, Kairi, I am simply with you in spirit now. I am the narrator of this fantastical voyage after all, which means I get to stay omnipotent.

 

“If that’s true, mind giving us some actual direction? I have no idea where we’re even going,” Riku groaned before being attacked by a seagull.

 

“Nice try, but that’s not going to work.” Alright, alright, you got me. “That’s what I th-“ It’s gonna be a flock of seagulls. “Wait, wh-ah! Ah, ah! Knock it off, get lost, ow ow ow ow!” Heh heh heh.

 

But to answer your question: the sun finally set down on the horizon, the sky now turning dark with the stars fully on display. Also, the currents below began to grow more furious as a storm was brewing.

 

“This looks bad,” Captain Obvious aka Sora said.

 

“Yeah, and I have the weirdest feeling that things are going to get even more bad…” Kairi said, showing her lack of grammar skills.

 

But they weren’t wrong. Something “more bad” was going to happen… a perilous challenge that would put all three islanders safety on the line… what is it?

 

Weeeeell, we’ll have to find out next time because we’ve reached the end of the first episode of BullSHIT HD ReMIX, yaaaaaay!! … What, I didn’t say there wouldn’t be cliffhangers, geez…

 

Anyways, it’s time for you, the lovely users of KH13, to decide what happens next. Following tradition, you’ll be given a set of three different scenarios, all laced with their own special kind of absurdity. They are:

 

A) Ursula, in giant form, shows her ugly face one more time

 

B) An angry Jack Sparrow comes to take back the Black Pearl

 

C) More seagulls

 

D) Insert your own scenario here

 

That’s right, I’ve decided to include a fourth option to allow you to make up your own ideas instead of just choosing from the first three, and if your idea is creative and/or hilarious enough, I just might use it!

 

SO START VOTIN’, YA PILLOCKS! I’M OUT! *straps into a jetpack and flies off into the sun*

Edited May 21, 2016 by Firaga Sensei

[Philip Ellwell 5,487]

A, damnit, A!!!

[Gamerazor247 877]

Man, Jack Sparrow or Ursula... I don't know.. I imagine him coming in like the scene from the first movie where his ship is sinking, but Ursula just seems right....

 

A, yeah A.

 

Now I want to watch Pirates of the Caribbean now... SHOOT!

 

[KyleInMC 1]

A, I changed my mind

Edited April 17, 2016 by KyleInMC

[Shulk 8,623]

I'll be the guy that votes B. Gotta have some continuity in the story, right?

[2 quid is good 2,209]

BBBBBNBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

 

*clears throat * I mean B

[CriticalAssension 161]

All I C is C....

[neil98 313]

I choose E, cause firetruck yeah!

[Firaga 5,947]

Hey hey hey, it’s time once again for another rollicking episode of BullSHIT HD ReMIX!! How you doin’ everybody?

 

*crickets*

 

… Okay, so not a lot of people really tuned in for the first episode. But that’s okay. I expected a slow start. But fear not! The show will go on!

 

I mean, eventually, the views and comments are just going to pouring out the wazoo, am I right? Don’t answer that, I know I’m right.

 

And now, the thrilling continuation!!

 

== Episode 2: It Came From Under The Sea ==

 

When we last left our hardy companions Sora, Riku and Kairi, they were on a voyage across the vast ocean of Destiny Islands aboard the Black Pearl, when suddenly, they encountered a dark presence…

 

“It better not just be more seagulls!” Riku whined. Don’t worry man, I have something even better in store for you.

 

“Well, what is it?” Sora asked. “Is it a Heartless? A shark? A Heartless that looks like a shark?” Surprisingly enough, you’re close in all three accounts, but no, it’s not any of those things.

 

“Well, whatever it is, I have a feeling it’s gonna be really ugly.”

 

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING UGLY, YOU LITTLE SHRIMP?” boomed a grating, villainous voice from beneath the water.

 

“Hey, that voice sounds familiar…”

 

“Oh no… don’t tell me it’s her again…” Riku said, stepping away from the wheel and putting the ship on autopilot… don’t ask how that happened, it just did. I don’t know how ships work.

 

“Whom are you guys talking about?” Kairi asked, never in the know about literally everything. “Hey!” Well, you are… dumbass…

 

The voice then broke into a malicious cackle, its gigantic, monstrous form rising from the water as it peered down below at its prey aboard the ship.

 

“Ursula!” Sora and Riku cried in unison. Indeed, this stone cold cecaelia witch from under the sea has returned for yet another encounter with our Keyblade wielding heroes. The question is: why?

 

“Ha ha ha! This is absolutely delicious! I’ve been waiting for my chance at revenge against you guppies for the longest time!” Ursula said, lowering herself to get a better look at the all-you-can-eat buffet. “My my, you two boys are as cute and chewable as usual!” She then directed her attention to Kairi. “"And don’t think I forgot about you, my little sweet. I’ve got a penchant for playing with little redhead girls, ha ha ha…”

 

“Um, Miss Fish Lady, could you please back up, your breath is making my eyes water,” Kairi said, holding her nose. I don’t blame her actually. It is pretty foul. “Maybe you should have a extra large breath mint before we fight?” Ursula’s expression fit accurately with the sick burn that Kairi hit her with as she paused for a moment.

 

“… Oh, I’m going to enjoy eating you the most, honey,” she said, now ready to start her dinner.

 

“You think we’re intimidated by you? Riku and I beat you fair and square last time we met,” Sora pointed out in a rare moment of logic on his part.

 

“Don’t get too cocky, little man. I’ve got an edge this time, one that you nor your little friends are gonna be able to handle!”

 

“Oh really? Unless you have Triton’s Trident, super strong dark magic, and somehow have the ability to take on three Keyblade bearers at once, one of which just happens to be a master-“

 

“Damn straight,” Riku said, Sora and him quickly exchanging a fist bump without taking their eyes off Ursula. Geez, it’s not that cool man… all right, it kinda is.

 

“—Then you’re outta luck!” Sora boasted.

 

“It’s funny you mention that, sweetie, because that’s exactly what I have!!” Ursual cackled as she summoned the giant golden trident into her hands, complete with matching evil witch crown, and pulsated with a dark aura as the clouds above became black and began spitting out lightning bolts whose sound could be heard from miles away.

 

“… Well then... Poop,” Sora said with his best attempt at cursing to date. Just had to poke the giant octopus woman, didn’t you pal?

 

“Isn’t this the part where you tell us not to give up and that if we stick together then we can win, and blah blah blah?” Riku asked.

 

“Uh, y-yeah! All of that’s true! Come on Riku, let’s go!” Sora said, he and Riku both summoning their Keyblades.

 

“Kairi, get inside. Sora and I will handle this,” Riku commanded.

 

“Hey wait, no, I want to help too!” Kairi whined. Oh boy, here we go.

 

“Look Kairi, I know you have a Keyblade now and that’s great, but you literally have zero idea of how to use it.”

 

“I gotta side with Riku on this. Just leave to us, we’ll have this taken care of in no time.”

 

“Come on, that’s not fair! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself! Watch, I’ll prove it!” Kairi said, quickly running up and placing herself on the edge of the ship in front of Sora and Riku. This won’t be good…

 

“Kairi, stop! You’re just going to get yourself hurt!” Riku cried.

 

“Don’t worry, I got this!” Kairi lied. “Alright, Ursula, you’re dealing with a new opponent, and that’s me!” Kairi said, thrusting her hand out in an attempt to summon her Keyblade, but due to her inexperience, she did not call it forth correctly. Again, don’t ask me, Kairi just sucks.

 

Noticing her blunder, Kairi tried to laugh it off and tried again, only to no effect as before. “Agh, come on!” She tried and tried again, repeatedly thrusting her hand out and grunting the most girlish grunt in history while doing so. Sora, Riku and even Ursula could not help but yawn and check their imaginary watches during this time. Speaking of which, it’s been, what, ten minutes? Hurry it up!

 

Then, Destiny’s Embrace finally flashed into Kairi’s hand. “Ah-ha! I got it!” Finally. “As I was saying before, I’m your opponent now, Ursula, so I hope you’re ready to face the universe’s only known Keyblade bearer slash Princess of Hea-ah-ah-whoa-AAAAAAAH!!!”

 

Unfortunately, she was so careless in her approach that she ended up slipping off the ship and down into the sea below… dumbass.

 

“Ba-ha-ha-ha-ha! Thanks for that, honey, you made all that pointless waiting worth something. Now then, enough fooling around!” Ursula raised her trident into the air and made the already rough waters even rougher.

 

“Remind me to tell Kairi ‘I told you so’ after this,” Riku quipped, him and Sora looking down below from the railing.

 

“Don’t joke around Riku, we gotta save her!” Sora said.

 

“Alright, alright. I’ll jump down and get her back on the ship. Meanwhile, you take of Ursula. Wouldn’t want you to get in the same jam as Kairi,” Riku said, diving down into the water with all the grace of an Olympic swimmer. Ten out of ten.

 

“Wow, Riku must really trust me!” Actually, it’s just because he doesn’t want your dumb ass to have to be saved too. “Aw…”

 

“Are you gonna keep babbling or you going to get in my stomach, little guppy?” Ursula challenged, holding her trident up to attack.

 

“Uh, y-you don’t wanna to eat me! I taste like chicken!”

 

“My favorite!”

 

“Crud!” Sora said, now dodging Ursula’s continuous magic blasts.

 

Meanwhile, Riku arose to the water’s surface, Kairi successfully rescued and wrapped in his arms. Cue the squeals from shippers.

 

“Do me a favor and don’t do anything that remotely stupid again,” Riku chided.

 

“I think I’m sea sick…” Kairi groaned, her cheeks quickly filling with vomit.

 

“Don’t you even dare!” Riku said as two blue shapes in the water suddenly began circling the two. He immediately tensed up while Kairi did the same, as well as swallowing her barf down the hatch.

 

“Great, what now?” Riku asked, receiving his answer in the form of two evilly grinning eels that stared directly into Riku’s and Kairi’s souls with their beady little eyes. These were Flotsam and Jetsam, Ursula’s pet eels.

 

“Uh… n-nice eels… good eels…” Why are you even opening your mouth, Kairi? The twin eels took this as an opportunity to quickly wrapped their bodies around Riku and Kairi’s waists.

 

“Eek! They got us! What are they going to do?”

 

“Kairi, they’re eels. We’re in water. What do you think they’re going to do?”

 

“… Oh…”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The two then started spazzing out as the two eels electrocuted them. This went on for several seconds before it suddenly stopped and Riku said: “Oh, and by the way: I told you so.” And then they both went back to spazzing and being electrocuted.

 

Meanwhile, Ursula was getting tired of playing with her spikey-hair shaped appetizer and decided to use a different strategy: ramming the trident directly into the middle of the ship. The trident bore into the ship’s center as it nearly split in half, water quickly pouring onto the surface. Sora luckily managed to grab onto the top of one side before he slid down towards the gaping hole in the middle.

 

“Oh man Captain Jack is going to get mad about this…” Aw don’t worry, I know a shipwright who can fix this up and make it brand new… oh wait, he’s on vacation…

 

Well anyway: Ursula wasted no time and quickly scooped up Sora in her giant hand and held him over the raging waves.

 

“Any last words?” Ursula asked.

 

“Um… uh… hold on…” Sora quickly started searching his pockets for something, making Ursula curious as to what he was about to do. Eventually, he pulled out a cue card and began reading off it.

 

“Let’s see here… oh yeah, here we go: “If you look into your heart, I’m sure that you’ll find the right answer, because a heart isn’t just filled with anger or hatred, it’s filled with all sorts of things. Like love.” He finished his gut-wrenching speech with a cheesy goody-two shoes smile, which only made Ursula feel even sicker that I am at the moment. Ugh, I need a garbage can or something.

 

“Bleck. Now I don’t feel like eating you at all,” she said.

 

“Really?”

 

“Ha! No, not really. I fooled you! Now in you go!” Ursula said, lifting Sora higher into he air and over the gape of her open abyss of a mouth.

 

“Wait wait wait, no, I-I have another speech about friendship and the importance of recycling, just give me another chaaaaaaance!!” Sora pointlessly yelled as he was quickly plopped into Ursula’s mouth, which slammed shut upon his entry.

 

Meanwhile, Riku and Kairi managed to escape their slimy prison and climbed up to the edge of the still slowly sinking ship, panting and singed beyond belief.

 

“Well, this sucks…” Kairi said.

 

“Yeah… pretty much…” Riku agreed.

 

However, Ursula caught the two’s attention as she shifted her attention to them and prepared to attack once more. “Time for you two little morsels to join your friend!”

 

“Oh no, she got Sora!” Kairi cried.

 

“Fan-freakin’-tastic. And here I thought I was doing him a favor by having him fight Ursula…” Truly, nothing will keep Sora from making an ass of himself. Shame.

 

“Ha-ha-ha-ha-huh?” Ursula stopped her fit of laughter after she felt something moving around in her cheek. “What the-what’s that?” Ursula started gagging, and then finally, her mouth was forced open as Sora appeared between the rows of her teeth, holding her mouth open with his Keyblade on the top row and feet on the bottom row.

 

“You should really brush your teeth, Ursula. I think I spotted at least six cavities in the back rows!”

 

“Agh? Haw-ah-yah-eeh-vee-nnn-a-lah-ya-dah-brah?” Ursula babbled, her speech heavily altered by the Sora clamp in her mouth at the moment.

 

“I don’t know what you just said, but it’s time for you to go back to where you belong! I slipped you something to fill your stomach up so that you don’t have to eat me and my friends!”

 

“Wha-dah-hah-eh-tha?” What he was referring to of course was a month-old ham sandwich that he stuffed into his pocket and forgot about up until now. And about ten seconds after Sora mentioned it, Ursula soon felt a rumbling in her stomach.

 

She then spit out Sora and launched him like a rocket back towards the exterior of the ship, Sora harshly hitting the large pole holding up the crow’s nest. “Owwie…” He mumbled through the wood.

 

Ursula finally retreated, diving back into the ocean, Flotsam and Jetsam following her. The sea calmed and the clouds returned to normal as the dark and ferocious thunder strikes with the same bright, sunny atmosphere of Destiny Islands that the denizens knew all so well.

 

Sora, Riku and Kairi all let out a collective sigh at the moment of peace they had been blessed with… which I will now immediately ruin by saying that I had slowed down time on their ship so that it wouldn’t have already sunk to the bottom of the ocean by now… and now it’s back to normal. Whoops.

 

“Wait, wha—“ Sora tried to say, but along with Riku and Kairi was already barreling down into the wreckage of the ship and into the ocean below.

 

The three friends tried swimming back up but the strain of having to deal with Ursula had left their bodies strained. Their muscles tired and lungs quickly feeling the pressure of the sea, they began to slowly fade out from consciousness... however, their Keyblades instinctively recognized that they were sunk (literally) and appeared in their respective hands. The tips of their teeth then emitted a ray of light towards a Keyhole that had formed above them, a bright light shining out towards the bottom and engulfing our three heroes completely…

 

And I think that’s a good place to leave off for this week. What lies ahead for these three chuckleheads as they are pulled into yet another sticky situation thanks to Yours Truly? And where exactly will they end? Let’s look at our choices! They are:

 

A) Radiant Garden, once again crawling with loads of enemies

 

B) Disney Town, where another Dream Festival is going on

 

C) Tied up in a dark room in an unknown world

 

D) Insert your own scenario here

 

Thank you once again for tuning into another episode of BullSHIT HD ReMIX. Please show your support by continuing to view, comment, and leaving your votes for next time.

 

And now: PIANO! *piano falls on top of my head* OW, DAMMIT, WHO’S IDEA WAS THIS?

Edited May 21, 2016 by Firaga Sensei

[Shulk 8,623]

B. Festivals always lead to more chances for weird stuff.

[2 quid is good 2,209]

I second that B!

[Dr. Shimo 202]

I say C, how will they react to this I wonder? The jokes that will ensue..

[GotMilk5101520 573]

C please!

[Sora 2,184]

B! I wanna know what's happening in Disney Town

[Kaneki Ken 1,516]

B. It's Disney Town we're talking here.

[Firaga 5,947]

Man, I gotta admit, I was not expecting the option that you guys pick to get the most votes. Oh well, you wanted it, so I’m gonna give it to ya!

 

Now then, let the games begin! … no really, “Let The Games Begin”… t-that’s the title of this episoe… what, you come up with a better title if you don’t like it, I didn’t have any better ideas. Geez…

 

== Episode 3: Let The Games Begin ==

 

When we last left our three heroes, they were trapped at the bottom of the ocean, losing air and on the brink of drowning, only saved by their Keyblades transferring them to another world…

 

And now we continue with them being placed in that world… and just to make sure they wake up, I’m going to put them fifty feet in the air…

 

“Hey hey HEY! We’re awake!” Riku cried.

 

…

 

And then they fell.

 

“AAAAAAAAAAAH!” They all cried like little girls as they plummeted face first into the ground below. Sora was the first to rise, pulling his face off the ground in the same fashion as a suction cup unsticking from a surface.

 

“W-Well… good thing our universe rules means that we can’t die from something like this… right?” He asked the two still submerged.

 

“It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt, you twit!” Riku cried, his voice muffled through the ground.

 

“O-owwwww…” was all Kairi could say in response.

 

Eventually, all three of them were back on their feet and ready to take in their new surroundings, although none of them were familiar with them in the slightest.

 

“Where are we?” Sora said. Case in point. The three were in what appeared to be some kind of plaza in the middle of a town. They also saw a pavilion in the center surrounded by buildings. What was most curious, however, was a big white door that leads towards a big castle in the distance.

 

“Hey wait, that’s Disney Castle!” Sora said, connecting the dots. “But wait… Disney Castle is just supposed to be… well, a castle.”

 

“Disney Castle is obviously more than just a castle, Sora. This must be the town that the denizens outside of the castle live,” Riku clarified.

 

“… I don’t get it,” Kairi, of course, said. Though to be fair, I don’t really get it either.

 

“Okay okay, let me try to figure this out,” said Sora. This’ll be good. “So, ‘Disney Castle’ is just the default name of the world which is actually just a world that happens to have both the castle and a town where people live… but we call it Disney Castle anyway because it’s the main hub of… but this place could also be considered a hub because… it… because it… there’s… it…. Agh! My brain hurts!” Sora said, grabbing his head in pain.

 

“Surprised you even got past the first sentence…” Riku snarked. “Either way, this is where we are now. We might as well look around.

 

“Good idea! Maybe we’ll run into the King and the others!” Sora said.

 

“I’ve never even had a chance to come here or the castle before. This is all really exciting!” Kairi said.

 

“Well, here’s one indicator of what’s going on,” Riku said, pointing upwards at a banner that read “Dream Festival” on it.

 

“’Dream Festival’ huh? That sounds like fun. I bet everybody’s got a bunch of fun games set up.”

 

”You sure about that, Sora?” Riku asked.

 

“What are you talkin’ about? It’s just a festival. What’s with you being all paranoid all of a sudden?”

 

“I shouldn’t have to remind you, but we should be wary of anything we get involved in during this whole mess…” Oh Riku, you really are just being paranoid. There’s nothing for you to be afraid of… heh heh heh heh… “What’s so funny?” Nothing! Now then:

 

Also in the plaza, right around the other side of the pavilion and right next to an ice cream shop, was a small auditorium where sat in front of the steps leading to the stage was some sort of mechanical chair with a nozzle attached to the front. Near the machine were three ducklings each wearing a cap and shirt respectively colored coded red, blue, and green.

 

“Hey look! It’s Huey, Dewy, and Louie!” Sora cried.

 

“Who?” Riku and Kairi asked.

 

“They’re Donald’s nephews.”

 

“Donald has nephews?” Kairi asked.

 

“Donald has relatives?” Riku asked.

 

“Yeah, it’s kinda weird, but hey, let’s go see what’s going on!” Sora said, already making his way towards the ducks, Kairi and Riku, regrettably, in tow.

 

“Heya, Sora! Have you come to play Ice Cream Beat?” Huey asked upon seeing the three approaching.

 

“Huh? What’s that?” Oh, this’ll be fun.

 

After that exchange, which I will explain through exposition as such because Huey, Dewy, and Louie aren’t worth writing dialogue for at this point: the three ducks explained the mechanics of the “Ice Cream Beat” game, set up of course for the Dream Festival, in which a person mans the machine with the nozzle and through it shoots scoops of ice cream at those standing in the auditorium, who will hold ice cream cones and attempt to catch the scoops in time with the shots and in line with a musical number that will be playing throughout the game. This of course sounded like a bit of a hassle for those who weren’t that prepared for such a task, but—

 

“Hey Riku, Kairi, we should play!” Well, crap.

 

“Uh, I don’t know, this isn’t really my sort of game… plus, it’s kind of embarrassing,” Riku said.

 

“Aw come on, Riku, it’ll be fun!”

 

“Sora’s right. Plus, even if we mess up, we can still keep the ice cream for later!” Kairi agreed to no surprise.

 

“Ugh… fine…” Riku groaned, grabbing a cone with Sora and setting up on the auditorium. Wait, Kairi is going to be manning the machine? Oh no.

 

The ducks chose the song “It’s a Small World” and asked if Kairi wanted the scoop speed/rate to be on “beginner mode” or “master mode”.

 

“Hmm… let’s try master mode! I could use a good challenge!” Of course.

 

“Kairi, what are you doing? Sora and I won’t be able to keep up with that!”

 

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll be fine,” Sora lied.

 

And with that, the song began to play. “Alright, let’s get this thing going. Now then, uh… just gonna hit this button here…” Kairi predictably caused the machine to go haywire and absolutely shower Sora and Riku with scoops of ice cream. The ducks stopped the song halfway after the auditorium was almost completely filled with various flavors of ice cream, Sora and Riku buried somewhere underneath it.

 

“Oh no!” Kairi cried, running up to the stage. “Sora, Riku! Are you alright?”

 

Moments later, Sora and Riku popped their heads out of the top of the pile, Riku freezing his ass off. “N-N-N-Never… p-p-playing this…. ag-g-g-g-g-g-gain…” Riku said through clenched teeth. Sora did not bother to comment as he began eating the ice cream surrounding his body.

 

Cleaning themselves off and grabbing some samples from their session (yes, even Riku, because the ice cream in fact did taste that good), the trio walked through town to look for more games to play, eventually coming to a tennis court with a machine that seemed to shoot fruit instead of ice cream being manned by Horace Horsecollar. Creative name, right?

 

“Well now, how it’s going there, Sora?” said Horace.

 

“Um, do I know you? I mean, outside of that one time I went to the past that is?” Sora said, confusing Riku and Kairi. Geez, don’t you people even play the games you star in? What a buncha n00bs.

 

“Huh? Well, I don’t know about all that whoozy-whatsits, but I do know that you’re an outstanding citizen ‘round these parts, basin’ off of what the King and Queen have to say ‘bout ‘cha.”

 

“Oh, right. Well thanks. So uh, what’s the game here called?”

 

“Well, this is Fruitball! Pretty simple really, it’s just like tennis ‘cept that you use fruit instead of tennis balls.”

 

“Wow, that sure is a really interesting spin on the original…” Riku snarked. Clearly, he’s blissfully ignorant to the complex mechanics behind such an ingenious idea. “Oh, shut up.” No, you shut up!

 

“Well, can we play a round?” Kairi asked.

 

“Sure thing, lil’ lady! But um…”

 

“Huh? What’s up Horace?” Sora asked.

 

“Y’see, we’re engaging in a bit of a problem concerning the game. We’ve got some hoodlums playing the game and ruining the experience for everybody.”

 

“There’s literally just us four in this enti-“ Ssssssh, Riku. Gameplay-story segregation. “But it-“ Ssssssh. “Ugh, whatever…”

 

“Whoever’s causin’ trouble, we’ll take care of them for you if you want,” Sora said.

 

“That’d be just jim-dandy of ya, my friend. Good luck!”

 

The three then made their way over to the court to settle the dispute. Riku then smelled the air. “That’s not a good sign.”

 

“What’s up, Riku? Do you smell darkness?”

 

“Well, that and a bad mix of cheap deodorant and cat litter…”

 

“Make your little quips now, sonny, because when I get done with all three of ya, you’ll be regrettin’ every word!” said a threatening voice coming from the other side of the court.

 

The three looked forward and then were shocked to see a large cat in a weird looking tracksuit. This was in fact Pete, the servant of Maleficent! “Heh heh heh… I had a feeling you pipsqueaks would show up to ruin my fun.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be bumming around with Maleficent in some dark haven?” Riku said.

 

“Not today. I’m usin’ up my vacation time. And I figured I’d visit the place where I used to call home before I was so rudely kicked out!”

 

“Then allow us to kick you out again,” Sora said. Wow, that was actually pretty cool.

 

“Oh yeah? Well the only way you’re gonna get me to leave is if you beat me in a game o’ Fruitball. And you better prepare yourselves, kiddies, cuz ol’ Pete knows this game like the back of his hand.”

 

“So what, you’re just gonna take on all three of us by yourself?” Riku asked.

 

“Hmm… nice offer, but I got some friends o’ mine that would be awfully upset if they weren’t included in this game.”

 

“Friends? What friends?”

 

Well, things are heating up now! And its time to see how even more heated things will be after we’re done choosing the scenario for next week’s episode.

 

So then, continuing off this little escapade, who will Pete’s partners for the Fruitball game against Sora, Riku, and Kairi be?

 

A) Two of his old Disney villain friends Hades and Scar

 

B) A bunch of Heartless

 

C) Nobody because Pete is a loser and has no actual friends

 

D) Insert your own scenario here

 

Have fun voting people, and always remember: anything is possible… if you go with the fourth option that is… although nobody really has yet for some reason… hmm…

 

VOTE NOW! *puts a saddle on Horace and forces him to give me a ride towards the sunset*

Edited May 17, 2016 by Firaga Sensei

[KHLegendIII 709]

C.

[Kanohi Keyblade 3]

A, because who doesn't want to see Hades flail at fruit ball?

[Sora 2,184]

HAHAHA C because Pete has no friends

[Shulk 8,623]

A is very tempting, but given that you want some people to choose D... How about I go with that: Pete's partner would be none other than yourself riding atop Horace. Now you get to personally torture them... Hahaha...

 

if that doesn't work then yeah, A.

[Firaga 5,947]

I apologize for the delay of this episode as my motivation has admittedly been stunted over the past couple of weeks… BUT, fear not, for my motivation is on the rise once more which means more bullshit is on the way!

 

It’d probably help if more people starting reading and voting too… ahem…

 

But anyways, let’s jump back into it:

 

== Episode 4: We Be Fruitballin' ==

 

When we last left our heroes, they had just encountered their old adversary Pete as they were looking to put an end to his troublemaking at Disney Town’s Fruitball Court. And their foe had also teased that he brought along some allies of his own to even the playing field…

 

Except that he didn’t because he’s Pete.

 

“Yay!” The Keyblade trio cried.

 

“Aw, come on!” Pete cried.

 

… Or at least that’s what I would say, but since the vote for him being alone and the vote for him actually having partners, who I’m sure the audience will go nuts for, I decided to go with the latter since it’s more fun.

 

“Crap!” The Keyblade trio cried.

 

“Ha ha ha ha ha! You’re in for it now, pip squeaks. This Fruitball Dream Team is going to trounce all over ya!” Pete boasted.

 

“Yeah, whatever Pete. You don’t intimidate us,” Sora said.

“Besides, who’s stupid enough to team with your fat ass?” Riku snapped.

 

“Oh, I think you’ll find that I’ve got myself taken care of just nicely. Come on out boys!” Pete called.

 

Immediately following his call, he was joined by a puff of gray smoke, and that smoke revealed a tall blue man wearing black robes and adorned with blue fire for hair.

 

“Yo, hey, how you doin’ everybody, ha ha, yeah. Got a minute? Hades, Lord of the Dead, nice to see you. Hey guess what, I got a place for you down under!” It was, in fact, Hades from Olympus Coliseum, one of Sora’s most powerful and recurring enemies.

 

“What the—Hades? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the Underworld?” Sora asked.

 

“What, a god can’t take a vacation once in a while? Not like the stiffs back home are gonna go anywhere, cuz you know, they can’t, heh heh. Plus, after being humiliated by you and Wonderbreath on more than one occasion, I wouldn’t mind taking another crack out of crushing you to bits.”

 

“You always were a sore loser, Hades,” Riku said.

 

“Oh, hey, look at that, it’s the other little twerp that always gets on my nerves. Nice to see you still doing that ‘serious and moody’ shtick, reminds me of that blondie I had to put up with a while back.” Can you tell I’ve having fun writing Hade’s dialogue? Ahem, I mean, uh, Hades smirked as Riku furrowed his brow in anger.

 

“Ah, and of course, this little reunion has to feature the little sweetie that these two bozos are always yammering about. How are you doin’ there, little lady, heh?” Hades asked with a flirtatious tone, making Kairi visibly uncomfortable.

 

“I’m fifteen,” Kairi responded.

 

“And I’m immortal, what’s your point?” Hades asked, making Kairi even more disgusted. “Ha ha ha, calm down sweetheart, you’re not my type anyway.”

 

“Hey! What’s that supposed to mean? … Uh, I-I mean, good, I don’t care.” Poor Kairi. Always getting put on the spot for her blatant stupidity. “You’re not helping!” Never said I wanted to.

 

“So who’s your other friend then, Pete? Another return from somebody I’ve already put the smackdown on?” Sora asked.

 

“I think you’ll find it more similar to ‘return of the king’…” a smooth, sultry voice echoed as a brown furred lion walked out from behind Pete.

 

Sora gasped. “Scar?” While Sora was shocked to see his formerly deceased enemy back from the grave, but meanwhile, Riku and Kairi were clueless. Sora stopped to explain to them the whole story of what happened when he, Donald, and Goofy visited the Pride Lands.

 

“Awww, you must have looked so cute a little kitty…” Kairi said. Sora blushed and chuckled, but internally he was thinking about how he now needed to pay Donald a couple of bucks. Scar cleared his throat in order to get everyone’s attention once more.

 

“Oh right, uh, you’re going down too Scar!”

 

“We’ll just see about that, now wont’ we? Oh, but it’s such a shame that you’re a human now… I honestly preferred you as a little cub. Mostly so I’d have the opportunity to grind you between my teeth.”

 

“Now that we got the formalities out of the way, let’s start the game! Everybody get into position!” Pete called out, Hades and Scar covering the left and right side, respectively, of their half of the court.

Sora, Riku, and Kairi got into their positions as well, Keyblades out to use as their tennis rackets… ‘cause that makes sense… as Horace reappeared and started up the Fruitball cannon off to the side of the court.

 

“Sora, have you ever even played tennis before?” Riku asked.

 

“We haven’t either, Riku,” Kairi pointed out.

 

“Well, er, obviously I know that, but I’m just asking Sora because he’s the one who got us into this mess in the first place, so if we lose, then it’s his fault…” Translation: “I suck at it immensely and I’m gonna blame Sora for it because that’s what I always do”. “Shut up!”

 

“Don’t worry guys, we all got this! It’ll be a piece o cake!” Sora boasted.

 

The machine powered up and shot out three giant apples. Pete, Hades, and Scar quickly served them up and smacked them down towards the three heroes, who ducked to avoid getting clobbered. All three apples shot into the goal line, putting the villains ahead by three points.

 

“Well, this isn’t good… uh, maybe we need a change in formation. Kairi, take the lead!” Sora commanded.

 

“Really? I get to be leader?” Kairi asked.

 

“Sure! What could go wrong?” Sora asked.

 

“Literally everything,” Riku pointed out. Yeah, because I’m gonna let things go smoothly after Sora goes and says something like that. Sure.

 

“Don’t listen to him, Kairi, go ahead and take the lead.”

 

“Alright! Let’s go!”

 

Shortly after, a giant kumquat shot out from the cannon onto Pete’s team’s side of the court. The three served the ball together and shot the ball straight towards Kairi.

 

“YAAAA—“ was all she could say before the kumquat drove into her petite body, carrying her all the way to the end of the court until she slammed into the goal line, sandwiching her in the middle of said goal line and the fruit.

 

“You alright, Kairi?” Sora asked.

 

“FINLAND!” … If anybody gets that, you get a cookie. And yes, I went there. Because I can. Nyeah.

 

“Well, we’re pretty much screwed at this point, Sora. Any other half baked ideas?” Riku snarked.

 

“Come on, you’re never enthused about anything. Why are you such a grumpy pants all the time?”

 

“Did you see what just happened? You put Kairi in front of the guard, and she ended up getting annihilated.”

 

“I can’t breeeeathe…” Kairi moaned from afar.

 

“Riku, I think I know what your problem is.”

 

“And what’s that?”

 

“You don’t believe in the power of friendship.”

 

“… Are you trying to make me strangle you?”

 

“No no, I mean it, Riku. From the very start, you’ve never been in the right mood to take on anything that’s came our way or what’s left for us to tackle.”

 

“Hey kid, could ya hurry this up? We got a game to win!” Pete said, his team holding onto various stacks of giant fruit that had been shooting out of the cannon ever since Sora and Riku started talking.

 

“Quiet, fat cat, this is serious business!!” Sora quickly snapped at Pete, shutting up the “fact cat” and his cronies as well. Damn.

 

“As I was saying, Riku: the one thing that you have to remember is that…”

 

Sora droned on to what seemed like ages. On and on, like a broken record. The more words that Sora dispensed, Riku slowly went from simply being annoyed at Sora’s ramblings to actively falling asleep. Even Pete, Hades, and Scar felt their boredom take over, and soon, they were outright snoozing.

 

“Wait wait wait, Sora!” Riku said, piping up as soon as he saw Pete nestle into the fetal position and start sucking his thumb. “Look! Pete and his team are asleep.”

 

“Yeah, so?”

 

“So, we can take all the fruit that’s lined up over on their side while they’re not looking and put it all into our goal. We’ll win in an instant!”

 

“Oh yeah, I see what you mean… but wait, wouldn’t Horace count that as cheating?” To respond to Sora, Riku simply pointed towards the far side of the court where Horace, also in earshot of Sora’s ramblings, was asleep against the popcorn machine. “Oh… fair enough. Alright, Riku, let’s do it. But I want you to be sure that everything I’ve taught you today sinks into your mind so that nex tim-“

 

“Yeah yeah yeah, come on already,” Riku said, shoving Sora towards the other side of the court. The two boys tip-toed as quietly as they could as to not alert their opponents unceremoniously. However, as soon as Sora and Riku got close to one of the stacks…

 

“HEY GUYS, I finally got free! Whatcha doing?” Kairi the foghorn bellowed from right behind, scaring the bejeezus out of Sora and Riku and making Sora knock over the stack they were in front of on top of Pete, the impact sure to be brutal due to the sheer size of it.

 

Pete rose from beneath the discarded fruit, expression deadpan but still clearly angered. Immediately setting his eyes on Sora, Riku and Kairi, the trio tried to sheepishly laugh it off as an accidently, only convincing Pete to let out the rest of his aggression, waking up Hades and Scar in the process.

 

“Thaaaaat’s IT!” He said, exploding from the pile. “Hades, Scar, we’re gonna destroy these little bugs once and for all.”

 

“Now I like the sound of that. Let’s deep-fry ‘em!” Hades said, alighting his fingertips.

 

“And then we’ll tear the meat from their bones!” Scar said, licking his lips.

 

“Crud, crud, crud, what do we do?” Sora asked himself feverishly, holding his head in his hands and staring down at his shoes. However, a light bulb went off in his head as the view of his shoes reminded him of the rest of the clothes he was wearing. “Okay okay, guys, level with me, I only have one idea that I think will save us right now,” Sora said.

 

“What’s that?” Riku and Kairi asked simultaneously.

 

“Okay so I’ve never told you this before, but you see, this outfit I’m wearing has special magic that lets me fuse with other people to turn all superpowerful and stuff. And I think if you guys can do that, we can win!”

 

“Really? How does that work?” Riku said.

 

“… Uh… hmm… well, actually I never thought about that. I think usually I would just concentrate, hold my hand out and then—“ Suddenly, Riku and Kairi then materialized into light and shot themselves into Sora’s palm, the boy feeling a surge of energy rush through him as he began engulfed in light.

 

When the light vanished, Sora’s clothes were now colored silver and white, and while still holding his Kingdom Key in hand, Way to the Dawn and Destiny’s Embrace were floating behind his back like angel wings.

 

“Oh hey, I’ve never been able to use three Keyblades at once before. I must be getting good at this. Now then-!” Sora faced the three evil-doers head on, letting his feet float off the ground so he could rest in an awesome looking pose.

 

“A-ah, y-your cheap tricks aren’t gonna scare us off. Come on men, full frontal assault!” Pete rallied.

 

And so, Sora engaged the three using his Final Drive Form. The three did their best to hurl as much fruit as possible towards the goal line, only for Sora to use his advanced speed and strength to smack every giant ball of fruit back at them, some being smacked right into their faces and others being launched into their goal line.

 

When the smoke cleared, Pete and his cronies were all exhausted and out of fruit. Horace then came by to give the final score.

 

“Well, I’ll be, it’s a landslide! 6,4376 to one! Sora’s team wins!” He proclaimed, sending Pete, Hades, and Scar into a glorious temper tantrum.

 

“Whoo-hoo, we did it guys!” Sora cheered, still locked into his Drive Form. “Oh wait, that’s right… uh… how do I, uh, turn this off again?” Sora looked around his body, trying to find some kind of off-switch or some other clue to revert back to normal.

 

Eventually, the magic wore off and Sora was back into his old clothes and planted firmly on the ground. Meanwhile, Riku and Kairi materialized back into their original forms and were too planted on the ground… face-first.

 

“Never… ever do that again,” Riku said.

 

“Hey, you never know when we might need an ace in the hole again.”

 

“I’d rather be stuck at the bottom of the ocean again…”

 

“Hey hey HEY!” Pete yelled from across the court. “We’re not finished with youse yet. The Fruitball game may be over, but now it’s time for the real game to begin!”

 

The giant cat cracked his knuckles as he and his cronies prepared for an actual fight to break out between them and the Keyblade wielders. As the three heroes braced themselves however, a “ding” sound went off, stopping the villains in their tracks. “Huh? What was that?” Pete asked.

 

“Oh, well, whattaya know, time’s up,” Hades said, pulling out a sundial he had lodged in his robes. “Sorry, Petey, but me and Scar gotta roll. Places to be, heroes to beat, you know how it is.”

 

“What? Come on, ya can’t go now, I still have to trounce these losers!’

 

Scar sighed. “Don’t take it personal, old friend, but your deal was that we’d help you with your little scheme for at least one hour. We’ve held up our end of the bargain, and now we’re on our way.” Ah, see, I managed to incorporate both of the tied suggestions into the same episode. Sort of.

 

“Now if you’ll excuse us, I bet good money on some Heartless buddies to win today’s Rowdy Race. Comin’ with, Scar?” Hades asked.

 

“Of course. I could use a good bowl of Double Crunch ice cream anyway,” Scar said.

 

And so, the two villains went their own way, leaving sad, pathetic little Pete all by his lonesome. Again.

 

“D’ooooh, fine! Leave! I don’t need ya! I can take care of these brats by myself.”

 

“Pete, you and I both know that’s not true,” Sora said in full honestly.

 

“Oh yeah?!” Pete yelled.

 

“Uh, yeah, I just said so.”

 

“…. Fair enough.” Pete said, slumped over in defeat.

 

Sora then opened up a passageway with his Keyblade, allowing Pete to solemnly drag his sorry ass through and return to whence he came… loser.

 

“Speaking of ice cream—“ Sora started.

 

“Nooo…” Riku immediately interjected.

 

“Haha, just kidding,” Sora laughed, eventually bringing Kairi and then even Riku himself into his fit of laughter as well.

 

Oh sure, these three chuckleheads are enjoying their little sitcom ending now, but they forget we still got places to see, people to meet, and more bullshit to follow! Speaking of which, what’s gonna happen now that Sora and the gang managed to get rid of Pete? Heeeeeeeeere’s the choices!

 

A) Hades and Scar make a ruckus over by the racing track after they get screwed out of their bet

 

B) King Mickey and Queen Minnie encounter an emergency crisis over at Disney Castle

 

C) The three enter a brand new world

 

D) Insert your own scenario here

 

Leave your votes below and remember to KEEP ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’, ROLLIN’— *rolls down a hill in a barrel, crashes into a tree at the bottom* … O-ow… I-I’m okay… agh…

Edited May 26, 2016 by Firaga Sensei

[KHLegendIII 709]

I choose A.

[Kanohi Keyblade 3]

 I also choose A, cause that sounds fun.

[Shulk 8,623]

A. Can't go wrong with racing.

[Ultimus Grid 546]

A.  I'm curious how that will go.