I almost lost my mind tonight

[GothicSlenderman 173]

I have never admitted this to anyone only because I was underage age but I think it's time I admitted the truth. I drink underage to numb my own pain. I am 19 years old and have been drinking beer, mike's hard, Smirnoff & other things sense I was 16 only to forget the pain I have suffered. But tonight I think it went too far. I drink to forget the fact that I am an unlovable bastard that will most likely die alone and to forget my anxiety, anti-social feelings, loneliness & depression. Ever sense I started drinking I've used it as a way to escape into my own world. A world where I matter and I don't have to be 2nd best. MY entire life I was pushed away for helping and shoved to the ground for thinking a bit differently. But tonight I realize that maybe Alcohol is not the answer. I went for a walk around the town I was living in after downing an entire bottle of vodka and started to think there was a 7 foot tall man with a hunch over neck and arms ready to grab me chasing me. 4 eye sockets with nothing in them and en ever extended mouth with his entire body covered in blood. I could see him in the corner of me eyes. I started to lose it. I ran around town thinking I could escape but every corner I looked IT was there. I finally got to my apartment and started babbling about how I was an obstacle in everyone else's life. How my life could be a lie or a matrix like situation. I was laughing uncontrollably. I called my sister only to tel her everything and she was appropriately creeped out so she called my mother who I moved out of her home for a about a year. She texted me and told me I was only doing these things because of the alcohol but I'M TIRED OF HIDING MY FEELINGS TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY!

 

I haven't seen my dad sense I was 3

I haven't had a decent connection with my sister or mom in a long time

I lost my education

I lost my friends

I lost what could be my true love more than once

I've been on YouTube sense 2008 and only have 15,000 subs to show for it (not to say I'm ungrateful) yet Pewdiepie has been on YouTub sense 2011 and he says it's been "so long" and he has almost 40 Million subs. It's unbalanced and unfair considering how much work I've put in. I am NOT ungrateful yet I feel like I need at least a little more consideration for what I've created or my efforts.

 

I survived Anxiety

I survived Depression

I survived Suicide

I survived Washington state & Pennsylvania

I survived abandonment

I survived being forgotten by my most charised friends

I survived being ignored and rejected

I survived being expelled from Spring Grove & W.F. West

I survived leaving Adna & Centralia

But I don't know how much  more I can survive.

 

I don't want people to pity me yet I just want the attention of a significant other. I on't know what to do any more. Would anyone understand me? Would anyone love me? Would anyone care if I was gone? Would anyone care if I was locked away for good? My old friends. Matt, Harley, Wes, Angelique, Kim, Chyanne, Jessie & all of the others have either forgotten about me or ignored me. Am I born to suffer? Or do I have a bigger purposed in my life. I just don't know. I love everyone but even I feel hate. Does that make me a hypocrite? I love Nintendo yet the fanbase.

 

Am I even going in a good direction with this?

 

I just want someone to tell me that they care. Someone to tell me that everything will be ok. That I will i one day feel love. That I matter. Do I matter? Will I every express my stories like Re:Incarnation? Could I ever be the next Smosh Pewdiepie or Jontron?

 

I DON'T Want to hurt myself

I DON'T Want to hurt others

I DON'T Want to be a pervert

I DON't Want to be connected to past mistakes for eternity

I DON'T Want to feel Anxiety, Depression or Abandonment or the rest of my life

I want to live, I want to love, I want to fight for my right to be remembered, I want to matter to more than one person. I want to be loved, I want to protect someone, I want to be a hero, I want...

 

All I want is to be remembered after I die, whenever that may be.

[MasterNahi 46]

I wanna say that I care.

I'm going through something similar right now, actually, and I'm 17. Feeling like you don't matter, that no one'll remember you, wonder what's the point of trying anymore, etc. It's terrible to go through that. But, there's always been two things that've helped me out, and maybe you could try them out.1) Talk to someone about it - literally the most straightforward way to deal with these kinds of emotions, and yet one of the most effective in my opinion. Find a close friend or relative you could talk to and let them know. Most likely they're gonna help you out, and eventually it'll start to work.2) Always remember that at least one person cares about you - doesn't matter who they are, you matter to them. Especially if they are a family member. Granted, even familial ties can be very screwed up, but regardless of that they still care. Family always cares, in my opinion.I hope you're able to overcome this challenge in your life and become the person you wanna be. If you ever need someone to talk to, message me. I might not have a track record of being active, but I'm always checking and watching from the shadows. I'm just never signed in really. But I'm changing that starting tonight, so I'm an option for you to talk to.

 

Here's a quote to wrap up this comment: "Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny." - C.S. Lewis

[Alicia Maddox 2,141]

Oh Gothic. I can't tell you how moved I am over this. The fact that you are here, saying these things says to me that you don't want to give up just yet. Listen, I know life sucks. I know that sometimes the pain of even just living can be unbearable. But you have to realize, its not the end all be all. Your life is only beginning. You are not a failure. God created you for a purpose and a plan for your life to do amazing things. You just need to find out what that is!  You need to seek it out with every fiber of your being! With everything that you have! There is an old saying and its so very true. Its always darkest before the dawn. Your life may seem bleak now, but that does not mean in any way that it'll get worse. It'll get better. It has to. Trust me on this one Gothic. Give it all to God and He will give your life meaning and purpose. He did mine. And that's not a lie. And you have us here too. There are good ppl here who want to help you too. Ok?

Edited December 20, 2015 by Alicia Maddox

[GotMilk5101520 573]

Let me give you a big hug

[Captain Swagblader 280]

I love you, bro! You are a cool person, and even though you have a checkered past, I'm here if you need me. I never leave my friends behind, because they give me power to keep on doing what I do. You are my friend, and you give me power to do what I do. Thank you! Just remember, the road to dawn is dangerous, but we are here to help you get through. We may not be close, but we are united through friendship, and you will get through! 

 

PS, that last paragraph is beautiful and I think is what most people should aspire for! 

Edited December 20, 2015 by Captain Swagblader

[Organization member XV 49]

Okay, I'm going to be the first to say it, you are pathetic. These are the words that I needed and I never got them. I felt shut away. I was this then I was that. Who was I really? I was wise, funny, kind, nerdy, but the one thing nobody truly said to me was that I was pathetic. Nobody knew who I truly was and I hated how i couldn't show them that. I was constantly hiding behind a mask. Lies building up on my shoulders that slowly started to kill me. Yet even now I've never shown the full amount of pain I've been through. I didn't want to hear another empty complement from someone or see another fake smile etched onto this face of mine. I wanted to be someone yet ended up as a nobody. I was just that shy, nerdy girl. That sweet, little girl who was always smiling. Just simply waiting for someone to grab my outstretched hand and say to my face that I'm not alone. I know I'm not alone, but it's hard when everyone else like yourself is wearing the same mask. I hated normal. I didn't want to live then die. I didn't want a cliche life. I had everything. I have a wonderful family, a nice little home, two dogs and a normal life. Isn't this what everyone wants? Yet when I look underneath the it all, I see something else. A story. Life just waiting to find its purpose. I saw your story tonight and this is what I saw. You. Your life isn't perfect. You, like I, is trying to just find a purpose to the mess that you've created. It's hard, yet did anyone say life was easy? Life isn't perfect, normal, or any of those stupid excuses to trying to fit in. I know there is life in you. You're not perfect or wonderful. You are just a boy trying to get a grip on the life he has been thrust into. You feel like a failure and you're trying you're hardest to be find peace. Just anything to finally find true happiness. You also don't want to be forgotten. Yet just know that just even you being there could've just saved another's life. What you just wrote tonight has touched my heart and probably anyone else who has read it. You may not be known to everyone, but you will always be remember by the people you really count. Those people who had a part in your life whether it be good or bad, they will make your life into something unexpected. You are never truly forgotten, ever. I really hope that you can find that answer someday just as I am. I'm still young and I've got years upon years to find out who ill become. Maybe ill become the famous writer I wish to become. Or maybe ill be that sweet old lady who tell stories late into the night. Whatever I become, I hope that these words have helped you. These words that I wish someone would speak to me. I could probably go on and on, but I just want to leave you with this tonight. Though I may forget you, deep in my memories, you're never forgotten. I hope that I have maybe even helped a little and also I wish you a happy and a truly merry Christmas, New year's, maybe even a birthday, and a happy Hanukkah as well ( if you celebrate it of course). ~K

[GothicSlenderman 173]

I just got back online and sobered up. And I just want to say thank you all for your kind words. It warms my heart to know that there are lots of people of care and are willing to do some much for even a complete stranger. Thank you!

[Ajexmi 446]

I just got back online and sobered up. And I just want to say thank you all for your kind words. It warms my heart to know that there are lots of people of care and are willing to do some much for even a complete stranger. Thank you!

If you don't already see it, you are never alone in your feelings. Alcohol is a vice so many people use and I've abused my body relentlessly since 16 and I'm 22 - but this is about you.  Having been in a similar position, I have only recently learned that being able to speak to honestly and freely as you have isn't a final barrier before you give in - its the first barrier towards getting better. You'll learn as you get older and wiser that by emptying your heart and mind and sharing your burdens that you open a second reserve within yourself brimming with the will to face your fears, insecurities and demons - better still, is that you'll also have people on your side to do it.

 

Progress is life, and you've made a good step forward here.

[Veemon 1,540]

I feel that we have a little bit in common. I lost some of my friends, I'm sort of antisocial, and I actually have Autism and Aspergers. I used to act so depressed when I was younger, and I still feel a little depressed even now. But! I know now that I AM important, and that OTHERS are important to me! In fact, even if people don't agree with me, I won't let them influence me in a bad way any longer. My friends and family could swear at me for all I worry (Not that they do swear all the time).

 

You know, summoning up the courage to tell us your issue is very powerful! You'll trust strangers you have never seen in your life, that is remarkable. And hey, don't sweat it. You'll find a significant other some day, just promise yourself that even when things get rough, you will not resort to drinking or smoking, all right? Your friends on here are always a good place to talk about your issues. Making your life end faster by drinking alcohol or Smoking is never the way to go down. EVER.

 

You are important. it's just that the people you are around don't realize that. Do something great and you will surely be seen as a good person!

 

 

Rock on!

[GothicSlenderman 173]

If you don't already see it, you are never alone in your feelings. Alcohol is a vice so many people use and I've abused my body relentlessly since 16 and I'm 22 - but this is about you.  Having been in a similar position, I have only recently learned that being able to speak to honestly and freely as you have isn't a final barrier before you give in - its the first barrier towards getting better. You'll learn as you get older and wiser that by emptying your heart and mind and sharing your burdens that you open a second reserve within yourself brimming with the will to face your fears, insecurities and demons - better still, is that you'll also have people on your side to do it.

 

Progress is life, and you've made a good step forward here.

 

I feel that we have a little bit in common. I lost some of my friends, I'm sort of antisocial, and I actually have Autism and Aspergers. I used to act so depressed when I was younger, and I still feel a little depressed even now. But! I know now that I AM important, and that OTHERS are important to me! In fact, even if people don't agree with me, I won't let them influence me in a bad way any longer. My friends and family could swear at me for all I worry (Not that they do swear all the time).You know, summoning up the courage to tell us your issue is very powerful! You'll trust strangers you have never seen in your life, that is remarkable. And hey, don't sweat it. You'll find a significant other some day, just promise yourself that even when things get rough, you will not resort to drinking or smoking, all right? Your friends on here are always a good place to talk about your issues. Making your life end faster by drinking alcohol or Smoking is never the way to go down. EVER.You are important. it's just that the people you are around don't realize that. Do something great and you will surely be seen as a good person! :)Rock on!

 

Thanks! But that's why I am going to quite drinking. I may have a cup of liquor every now an then but I will not let the booze control any longer. I will fight to live and to be happy!

[KingdomHearts3 2,591]

I... I... don't know what to say, but I am stunned with what you have been through. I will pray for you.