Grotesquery 603 Posted October 31, 2014 ARCMIN REVIEWS…. *THE ALCHEMYST*…… BY RIDLEY MICHAEL SCOTT Warning: The following review will contain huge spoilers because I simply do not care enough. The Alchemyst has made me realize two very important things. The first is that Teenagers you can’t see tend to be boring. The second is that strange French men that listen to Pink Floyd probably hold the secret to eternal life. So, what *is* the Alchemyst? Well, aside from being a word too sophisticated for me to question whether or not it’s spelled right, The Alchemyst is a book about the Alchemyst! Nicholas Flamel, (alongside his non-Alchemyst wife Perenele) is an immortal master of transmutation and trickery. The chosen guardians of the Book of Abraham the Mage, Flamel and his wife have dedicated centuries to protecting its secrets from the forces of darkness. Not the least among those secrets being the recipe for Eternal Life. It’s now the 21st century, and the Flamels find themselves employing Sophie and Josh Newman, blonde haired twins that work just across the road from each other (darn I couldn’t get more generic than that if I tried). Life seems to be well, with neither of the twins ever questioning the strange couple who start looking older every month before somehow turning back into strapping young cowfolk the next. But, surprise! Some weird bloke named John Dee’s got immortality, too! And it just so happens he wants that there book that the Flamels got in their mitts. What a calamity! Put simply, things go sour pretty quick. Perenele is kidnapped, Dee nabs Abraham’s jazz, the mud guys make a mess in the book shop, and I think there were eggs involved somewhere? Yeah, definitely eggs. Fortunately, in all the confusion plucky young Josh manages to swipe 2 pages from the book before Dee high-tails it. Through a pretty stupid stroke of good luck, they also happen to be the most important pages in the entire freaking thing. (Wow, not bad, huh? I mean, we literally would not have a story if this didn’t happen.) Thus, it becomes a race to protect the pages from Dee, before he can use their terrible power to wreck havoc upon the human world. And just when all hope seems lost, salvation may come from a very unexpected source. Alright, I may have made it sound a little more generic than it actually is, but that really is the gist. The rest of the book is all about trying to dodge Dee, while also making funny little quips about the past and the present society. So, what’s the good stuff here? Where’s the BEEF??? Well, I’ll put it bluntly: this story is just a ton of fun. It might not be the most original, but it takes its concept and it takes it far. As far as it can go and probably even farther, even though that’s not possible (ha, get used to those words). Everything from the villains to the locales just scream classic fiction. Dee is delightfully terrible in both his motivations and personality. He doesn’t take anyone’s crap, and he’s certainly a slave to no one (even though it’s revealed he actually is working for bigger bads). Nicholas and Perry (Perenele) are equally fun characters. They have a bunch of dated culture references, and I love them for it. There’s also tons of magic mumbo-jumbo flying around, mostly on Perry’s end, which I appreciate. While they make her a damsel, she’s a good Damsel. Literally every chapter with her is her trying new ways to escape and contact the others, with a surprising amount of them actually being successful. I love her backstory as well as her husband’s, but I wish they had a little more interaction. Of course, it’s understandable why they don’t, but it’s still something I have to mention. The Morrigan is also a treat. She has a very menacing vibe, and really feels like she’s a league above everyone else. She’s cold and mysterious, which makes her all the more intimidating. Until we find out that she’s obsessed with online strategy games (I KID YOU NOT THIS IS CANON.) On the more “meh” side is her aunt (I think?), Bastet. She’s built up to be this super god of destruction that’s like, 5 levels higher than every other noob on the planet. When she finally gets her time in the spotlight, though… she’s actually kind of wimpy. First, she takes her sweet time killing Nicholas even though she really could have impaled him at any time in the second to last fight. That’s not so bad, but then she gets scared off by a little girl whipping her minions. Uh, okay. I guess I can see BUT THEN SHE GET’S DEFEATED BY SOME BUGS. I’m dead serious. I mean, honestly, she should be better than that. Just flex your Anubis muscles and walk it off, Mary Sue. Also, there’s Scathach. There’s… not much to say about Scathach. She’s what she’s meant to be, the warrior lady that kicks butt. I’ve gotta say, though, I’m SO happy Scott didn’t make her an emotionless machine of destruction that so many people think makes a woman cool, especially when she has a legitimate reason to be that. Scatty has an actual personality, one that can actually get a chuckle out of me, every now and again (I also can’t help but smile every time she draws her swords. You KNOW that things are about to get real when you make the woman pull out her bronze.) On the little MORE “meh” side, we have the TWINS. Scott, can I talk to you for a second? I need you to listen to me. I love ya, and I know what you’re doing here. But please. Compared to everything else that’s going on, the twins feel completely impassive. Their shock to the initial reveal of the Flamels’ origins can literally be summed up with: “Wow, I can’t believe this.” That’s it. Individually, Josh seems to just exist for the sole purpose of having an angsty teenager blaming the no-good adults for getting him and his sister involved in their war games. In addition, he makes a ton of dated references to games like Quake 3 and Doom, and I think maybe some movies? I don’t know. My point is that seems to be all he’s good for. He also has a painfully forced “Final Temptation” moment at the end of the book, which is where I practically gave up all hope for his character (I literally said “he better be on magic or drugs cause there’s no other excuse that can get him out of this one”). Fortunately, he makes up for it by driving a freaking hummer through Dee and his skeleton army. You’re on thin ice, mister. I’ve got my eyes on you. Sophie has it better, but she still suffers from a lot of downtime where she could be developing her character more. By the end of the book, she’s overall more interesting than Josh because she’s lived through a pretty hellish experience, but I found it hard to sympathize with her through it because I didn’t really know enough about her to care as much as I probably should have. Oh, and also, there’s a prophecy about both of them. Are you even surprised? Want to guess the next part? Yep, one’s gonna be good and the other’s gonna be evil. Golly, I wonder who’s who. But, wait… maybe this is all a trick??? Maybe Scott’s going to fwop the tables in Empire Strikes back and it turns out that SOPHIE is Darth Vader??? I take it back! I take it ALL back! THIS MAN’S A GENIUS! “… AHEAD of his time. Truly a masterpiece of fiction.” ~Time Magazine “A legend in the making. Something for the whole family and also a blast.” ~Joe “50 BILLION STARS… out of 5 stars!!!” ~Me? “A fair and humble look at the clear superiority of women.” ~Tumblr “Not all stories have a satisfying conclusion… at least, not the ones that are only BEGINNING! HUE HUE HUE” ~I told you to stop calling me. All jokes aside, there is actually something here that kind of bothers me on a different level. This book, front to back, is 100% FEM-DOM. Literally every major female character is some kind of elder god. That wouldn’t be so bad, if the guys actually got a represent. All we have in terms of dynamic male characters are Dee and Nicholas, neither of whom can really hold a candle to all the ladies flying around and shooting lasers. I mean, Sophie was really the only normal girl in the bunch, that is until she gets an uber haxic god tier power boost half-way through the story, leaving her poor bro in the dust. It also doesn’t help that Josh, the only male character with any real development, spends most of his time complaining about it all. What a kill-joy. Think I’m being a little un-fair? Trust me, the same holds true for me when I watch Male-Power fantasies, like Naruto and the live-action Transformers movies. In those cases, women are rarely more than sexual objects or pointless characters that can’t even succeed at providing emotional support, which is usually their only goal in stories like those. Put simply? It bothers me there, too. I’m all for all of these characters (except maybe Bastet), but I just want some more interesting guys to even it out. It doesn’t really even have to be guys who can shoot lava from their mouths, just guys that are important and have actual character arcs. (Balance CAN be found. Avatar and its follow up series Korra did it to nigh-perfection.) In the end, our heroes escape, Josh looks stupidly into a mirror, Sophie gets even MORE superpower, and Magic is still awesome. Final Thoughts? Someone get me a table. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
