Kai Oliver 9 Posted October 26, 2014 The setting the white room in the mansion at Twilight town, the walls were covered with drawings, and sitting at one end of the long table was Naminé. She was just sitting there of the chair simply staring at her drawing pad with some coloured pencils resting beside it, her expression was filled with sadness as she just stared at the drawing that she had finished earlier. It showed three figures holding hands, each of them wearing black, one with red spiky hair, and another with blonde hair and the last one with black hair. But the figure with black hair seemed to be faded as if it was being rubbed out by a rubber, the young girl’s hands were resting on her lap as she was staring at her drawing in silence, suddenly the door opened as she looked up to see... “Riku? It’s you...” she said as Riku stood at the door wearing the black coat of the organization and his black blindfold as his expression appeared to be solemn as then walked towards Naminé “You felt it too didn’t you... She’s gone, Xion” Riku asked Naminé as he stood a few feet away from her as she looked at him and then returned her view to her drawing as she then picked up her drawing pad “Yes... Roxas defeated her, all that she was has returned into him, and the memories of Kairi that were used to create her have begun to return into Sora” she sadly summarised to Riku “Even though she’s gone... Her bonds with Roxas and Axel, and her connection to Sora allow us to still remember her, but that’s still only temporary” Naminé stated as soon they would forget Xion too “What she did... Xion did for her friend, so that Roxas could be better off... And that Sora could regain his memories, she chose to be end her existence for the ones who mattered to her” Riku told Naminé “We shouldn’t be sad that she’s gone... All our memories of Xion haven’t been erased, they’ve simple gone with her back into Sora” the teen said to Naminé who pondered what Riku said and then the faintest of smiles appeared on her face as she then looked at her drawing “She’s simply returned to Sora, as will Roxas... He’ll soon reunite with Sora, just like I’ll soon return to Kairi” Naminé stated as her smile brighten, as the drawing of Xion in the middle of Roxas and Axel had become more transparent but Naminé still smiled as she knew Xion wasn’t truly gone A few days later... Three days after Roxas’s battle with Riku back in Twilight town Axel was sitting up on top of the clock tower lonely looking on at the sunset. His expression was plain as he stared out at the scene, tightly holding a sea-salt ice cream in his hands, Xemnas had ordered Axel to find and eliminate Roxas. He was able to locate him in a digital version of Twilight town that DiZ had created, he was unsuccessful in his attempt to capture Roxas the first time. He given an dreadful ultimatum, it was either destroy Roxas his best friend, or be destroyed, there was no alternative, he didn’t know what to do. He knew that Organization would destroy him he failed again, but how could he destroy his best friend, he had been sitting here for hours contemplating on what he should do. But just then he looked beside to the spot where Roxas used to sit with him, but then his vision went to further end. “It was me, Roxas... An... And?” Axel paused as he couldn’t figure out what he had just remembered, up here on the clock tower is the place he Roxas and someone else would meet for ice cream “What am I thinking? It was just me and Roxas who were always up here... Ha, I’m one who’s always memorized everything...” the nobody told himself as he then took a bite from his ice cream “Roxas... What should I do?” Axel asked as he just looked up at the orange sky as he just sat wondering what he should do, follow his orders and hurt his best friend, of betray the organization A week or so later... Roxas was now standing before Sora who was floating in the now open memory pod, his nobody had a smile on his face but this was still a bitter sweet moment for him. His life had come to end as he now accepted his fate to return to Sora. Just before Naminé was taken by DiZ she told him that nobodies like them were half a person, they wouldn’t fade away into the darkness, but instead they would to their original selves. Roxas then started walk towards the still sleeping Sora as began to glow a faint blue aura which began to envelop and surround Roxas’s body. The closer he got to Sora, the brighter the aura around him glowed, suddenly with being inches away from the keyblade wielder Roxas’s entire body had become a blue aura which was moving towards Sora and suddenly surrounded him as the memory pod closed back up. “Sora...” Roxas’s final words as the aura surrounding Sora had been absorbed into his body reuniting Roxas with Sora as the boy eyes twitched slightly as he continued to sleep Days later... Sora, Donald, and Goofy were running through the streets in the neon city of the world that never was, thanks to Axel’s sacrifice they were able to defeat the horde of nobodies they encountered and made it to the in between world in which the organization was based. Sora was saddened by Axel’s death and was more curious about the identity of this ‘Roxas’ that he saw in the picture and who the organization members kept referring him to as turned into a another street. They were heading straight to the castle at the end of this world as it was the organization’s base. Sora and the pair were standing at the Memory’s Skyscraper, the same place in which Roxas and Riku’s battle took place weeks ago. As the keyblade warrior paused he looked around the area as then noticed the artificial Kingdom Hearts hanging in the sky above the Castle That Never Was. The pale yellow heart shaped moon was the result of the thousands of hearts that had been collected by Roxas, Sora, and Xion through the keyblade’s rage, but Sora couldn’t shake the slight feeling of déjà-vu. The setting had once again changed, it was back to Twilight town, the town appeared to be deserted, as the town was bathed by the orange sunrays, and at the top the clock tower sat Roxas, Xion, and Axel each enjoying a sea-salt ice cream with smiled on their faces as they appeared to conversing with each other. This couldn’t be possible as each of them thought in their minds as they laughed and had fun, Xion wondered how her friends could even remember her... Axel couldn’t understand why he was here as he wondered why he wasn’t simply in the darkness, and Roxas pondered why he was sitting here as he his body had merged with Sora. The three friends all wondered how this was possible but they still didn’t question it, they just continued to eat their ice cream and enjoy the time they had with each other. Although it seemed to be a strange occurrence, maybe one of them was dreaming, maybe this was an after-life for nobodies, there so many answers, but in truth the answer was simple... Sora... 2 Weedanort and Joker reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Grotesquery 603 Posted October 28, 2014 I'll make this short, as I have relatively little to say. I'll get the obvious one out of the way first, your grammar and syntax require a lot of work. That's nothing that can't be improved with practice and dedication though, so I'm not going to go much deeper than that. However, I noticed many areas where it was blatantly obvious you intended to use a word but accidentally skipped it (i.e, Roxas then started to walk towards the still sleeping Sora...). This problem can easily be fixed by proof-reading your story before submitting it and using a decent spell-checker. Heck, a word processor should correct a lot of those mistakes for you(if you don't have one, there's a few free ones out there that are a decent substitute for Microsoft Word(check out Google Docs if you have the chance)). Aside from that, I can't really even defend the story itself. It doesn't seem particularly engaging and overall has very little purpose behind it. The characters are fine and are accurate representations of their in-game selves, but that doesn't mean much if they don't have anything interesting to do. On top of all that, the story itself doesn't really even have an overall meaning. Of course, it doesn't have to, but I don't think that it's good enough on its own to justify turning into an emotional fan-fic having no real purpose. I know this sounds harsh, but believe me when I say that this story did have potential. When I managed to shut my critical eye off and envision everything happening in my head, it actually wasn't bad. But it's held back significantly by poor grammar, punctuation and sentence structure, as well as a lack of overall meaning. I hope my comments have helped you, even though my input has very little overall significance in the grand scheme of this whole shindig. That being said, I wish you luck for the competition and all your days to come! Keep trucking, ~Arcmin Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
