Suffering in silence

[Kirie 3,489]

Ok, it gonna be pretty long so dont get bored unless youre busy with other stuff so I'll understand..

 

So all my life Ive been an unhappy child because I had some trumatic events in my childhood and some..from today. And nobody in my family seemed to noticed nor my friends because I dont have any real life friends. I always put on a "fake smile" everyday, is the same and im sick of this bull shit. Im tierd of being depressed. And crying for no reason. I try my best to start fresh everyday but I fail for the millionth time! Im such a failure I hate how my life is so screwed up for personal reasons (im ashamed to say it because you will all make fun of me for being weak at something thats easy to go through, in rough times. So the people that ive been talking to ,please just dont...)

Anyways, Im extremly bipolar. when I look at girls smiling and laughing hanging out with friends, having a great time of their lifes, wishing I was them, I envy them, how they dress and how skinny they look, Almost every single one of you I envy. (with mostly likely to sucssed and have a great life without having bad luck in your life, always, just like me) I have thought about scuicidal thoughts each day, I cant tell you why. Maybe is because of jealous to others or maybe I just want to get it over with so I can live in peace. I dont feel like home any where I go anymore. Even with my mom. I just dont feel like I was meant to exist, I always take away peoples "spaces". And ive been ignored by my sister alot. I was thinking of moving back with my big sister so I could get comfortable.

 

I can hardly concetrate on remembering stuff ever since I was a kid. But I remember perfectly clear that I would cry in the bathroom if my grades ever dropped or (this was before I meet golden) if my crushes hurted me or ignore me and hang out with a girl, holding her hand, which I think they were dating. especially my first bf, the worst real life bf ever. I was.depresed for 3 years in middle school that I didnt promoted....im such a loser.

 

And my mom is suffering so much she was ..abused by her a*hole boyfriend of hers, I seen him hit her really bad and he even hit me too.... I know this might sound too extreme but he smacked her againts the walls of the bathroom she fell uncounsious...i thouth she was dead...but luckily she awoken...she looked so ill after that, he messed her up real good. I was helpless I couldnt do any thing.... but crying and yelling, that bastrd didnt bought food for her either its his fault my mom haves lukemia, now my moms gonna die soon. And shes my only parent (my real dad died a long time ago). I just have so much pain...sooo much.... I wanna let it out but ive been holding it over 10 years I am used to suffer in silence. I dont know how to be positive anymore ive lost all intrest in everything including coming to this site and golden tries to cheer me up but nothing works anymore he just gets worried when I try to do something stupid. All I want to do now is to forget.. its better than giving up and be depressed forever

[Nick Sideris 1,551]

Well , I can't say anything about that , other than to wish you luck . I've been in your situation before , which is , to think that I shouldn't exist and that my existence is "wrong" . Just one thing : Don't let out your feelings on a site of total strangers . It makes it worse . Go ahead and seek advice , let your anger and rage out on one of your real life friends or talk to any of your family members . 

 

The only way I managed to get out of the situation I mentioned before is to learn and always remember that life is a big bi.....scuit . If that does not work for you , though , just seek help from anyone that loves you and cares about you . That might be any real-life friends , any other family members (I recommend going with the second one because family love is the one and only real love ). Talk to them on a daily basis and let them help you in any way they can . I really can't help you on your mom's boyfriend problem . I haven't been in a circumstance like that before (The only case similar to that one is when my mom calls me a lunatic sometimes and that I need "special help" meaning that I need to see a psychologist). 

 

Good luck  .

Edited June 25, 2014 by Nick Sideris

[Sora96 17,256]

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult time.

[Alicia Maddox 2,141]

inori. You don't know me, but I've seen you around the site, and Golden too. Listen, I know life sucks right now, but you can't give up just yet. Do not think for moment that your life doesn't mean something to someone. God has a purpose and a plan for everyone in this life. There is no such thing as a wasted life, inori! I know it's hard to see it right now, and you may think it's impossible, but you don't know what the future holds for you. Only God knows that. If you want more proof, look at the friends you have on here. Think of Golden. I've never talked to him personally, but I can tell just how much you mean to him! See, you ARE loved, and you DO have friends. And if nothing else, you have God, inori. He can help you get through this. Just ask Him. And there are friends on here that you can trust, and talk to if you need it. Just please, as hard as it is, don't throw your life away just yet. Praying for you,Alicia Maddox

[chi-blade 125]

First of all I'm sorry for the hardships you've come by and I must say that I've never been in such position in life, so I can't fully relate to you. But you got me thinking. Why envy others, when you can work to achieve whatever it is you envy? Whether it be looks, intelligence, skill in something or physical strength? Once you just focus on that one thing you love doing and become good at it, you're happy. Well that's happiness in my head, the only person worth impressing is oneself.  Also I do have real life friends but I don't have any online friends (It's hard to make friends online ). That just proves that if you didn't hold back (I assume you do) you'd have triple as many real life friends than me.

[Ghost 1,857]

Hi Inori, I know we've only talked a little bit.

 

First off, you're not week. Nobody thinks any less of you. Everybody is entitled to their own personal problems, issues, etc. - don't compare the scale of your problems to anything else because, hey, they're still relevant to YOU.You are not a loser. Not everybody is right for certain things, hell I sucked at school! 

 

Let me just start off by saying that you need to get any of those suicidal thoughts out of your head. Long story short,I tried killing myself. It's not worth it. It really, really isn't. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can't undo death. Yes, everything seems awful and terrible right now. It sucks, but unfortunately life isn't alays easy. I'm really, terribly sorry for all of the tragic events in your life. You don't deserve it - to me, you're a polite, sweet, and very pretty young woman. Nobody deserves to be depressed, ever.

 

There are a lot of external factors in your life that are influencing these feelings. Life is hard, I know. Please don't give up. I know you're feeling hopeless but Golden is crazy about you - anyone on this site can tell you that.

 

I'm just saying, we can't give up, you know? We have to keep moving. Be aggressive if you have to. There wil always be obstacles and hey, you might even go through more than another person. You can do it though, Inori, and you're not alone. 

 

Try to talk things over with your sister, slowly tell her how you feel like shes been ignoring you, have a heart-to-heart.

 

And I know I can't do much but as always, I'll be here for you to PM me any time, alright? Sorry for my shitty advice, you've just always been one of the sweetest people on this site and I hate to see you down.

First of all I'm sorry for the hardships you've come by and I must say that I've never been in such position in life, so I can't fully relate to you.
 
But you got me thinking. Why envy others, when you can work to achieve whatever it is you envy? Whether it be looks, intelligence, skill in something or physical strength? Once you just focus on that one thing you love doing and become good at it, you're happy. Well that's happiness in my head, the only person worth impressing is oneself.
 
Also I do have real life friends but I don't have any online friends (It's hard to make friends online ). That just proves that if you didn't hold back (I assume you do) you'd have triple as many real life friends than me.

 

He's absolutely right. Jealousy isn't a good feeling, so why feel it? If you see something you envy, turn it into something good. Use it as your motivation. And whatever you do, do it for yourself, to make YOU happy. You're a nice girl, inori, please hang in there buddy.

[Jake 1,488]

I seriously wish the best of luck for you, Nobody deserves to feel this way and if i had the power to do so, I would make everybody enjoy life with ease. But sadly i do not. I hope you get better soon and that you feel much better with yourself. I've gone through this as a child, and as a young adult. It really hurts .

[The Transcendent Key 12,109]

Inori my love, I know that you've suffered much in this life, and you've been through harrowing obstacles and rough times.  I've known you for almost three whole years, and I know that you've been hurting inside for a very long time, and I understand that it's something that makes you depressed.  I can't say that I relate to you because I have never gone through the same experiences you have, but I know enough to tell you that life is a mysterious thing, but it's also the greatest gift we are given by God. Sometimes we question why we are here in this Earth, and sometimes we question ourselves as to why we exist, but you have to hang in there honey, you can't give up on life.  I know that you've been through hell and back, and you've suffered so much, but you've become a stronger person because of these experiences!

 

In all the time we've known each other, I've seen you grow into a mature woman with a strong heart and an iron will, and I believe that you are the kind of person that will always be able to overcome your obstacles, no matter what they be!  And I understand that your family is distant, but like many have said here, you need to try to settle things with them, have a heart to heart with your sister and patch things up with the rest of your family.  Because family is a strong bond that can never be undone, no matter how much time passes.  And I know you've had your share of heartbreaks in the past, but that's what I'm here for.  To heal your heart and to ensure that you have happiness, because if anyone deserves happiness, it's you my love.  You've been through enough suffering and sadness, it's time that you receive nothing but happiness and joy, and I swear I'll do my best to help you overcome your depression!  Keep on fighting and never give up! And you know that there are people in this site who care for you as well, so keep your head held high and be proud of yourself, because you have touched the hearts of many, especially my own. Your the most beautiful and amazing girl I've ever met, and I wouldn't change our relationship for anything in the world, so you know you'll always have my support. I love you Inori dear.

Edited June 26, 2014 by Golden Fighter

[Cricket 1,180]

inori...I've always wanted to say to you that you are extremely beautiful even though I have never seen your face but I see your pics in post a picture of yourself, and yes...I am envious of you and your beauty. 

You are actually stronger than I am; going through what you just described and I see that you have a strong sense of self.

All you can do is treasure the precious moments you have and yes, you do seem happy with Golden; I see it. He is a REALLY good person for you.

If you can, try to seek help for your bipolar; I have the same thing and the best thing we can do is to get help.

Try some free clinics if you can.

You will make it! If it makes you feel any better, I don't have any real in life best friends either, heh. I just have my fiance and family.

You will get through this! Just keep pushing on!

[Lu Xun 2,069]

Hello inori, it's been a while, hasn't it? Seriously, I could never suspect you had gone through so much in so little time of life... I always saw you as a gentle, kind person. That's how I'd describe you. You used to support me when I posted chapters to my stories, we had some nice conversations.... I'm sorry... It looks like you've been in great pain for a long time.

 

Well, to start, I must say that you're really strong. Just by holding all of that by yourself shows just how much strenght you've got. I haven't faced all the problems you mentioned, but a few of them, mainly concerning friends. But I tried my best and changed schools; even though my life isn't as perfect as I wish, it's better than before. 

 

So let's go: About the envy; that won't do any good to you, seriously. I know that we think that people are always at a better situations than us, that they have more friends than us, that they have more money, and so on. But really, just like you hide your pain, who says that they aren't just doing the same thing? We don't know their history; we can only congratulate them for the things they managed to achieve, and use them as examples when building the road we decide to follow. 

 

About your stepfather; tell someone you trust, a neighboor for instance. Call the police and try to put him in jail, since that's where he belongs. He must be a very dangerous person, though. You've gotta be careful. If he's left your life now, don't try to set the score right now. Wait for a while until he's left his guard down. I'm really sorry for your mother. I just hope you two can spend the time she has with smiles. Be happy -- if not for you, then for her -- there's nothing that would bring a bigger smile to your mom's face. I'm sure she notices your pain, even though you try hard to hide it. Forget all the problems for a while; just think of her, and build the greatest memories while you can. 

 

About friends: You could always change school or something. Start going to the gym or taking extra classes; maybe you'll find someone nice to hang out with. I'm not saying it'll happen, but if you don't try, then it's certain that it won't. I'm pretty sure that friendship now isn't your top priority thanks to your mother's health.

 

Well, my last advice is to keep strong. But that doesn't mean that you can't cry. Trust me, I hold back tears sometimes and I think that's the worst thing I could be doing... but I got used to it, and it's hard to change. Keep strong, my friend! I wish luck for you all the best in this world. After suffering so much, you deserve it! Friends, love [at least that you've found already!] and happiness.

Edited June 26, 2014 by Lu Xun

[Hazimie 1,595]

You know,after reading your problems,I want to say that although I don't know what to say whether I know how you feel or don't,let's just say that you and I are in the same situation but a different pain that we have felt.It must've been sucked that you have to wear your happy mask everyday but it was the most depressing life that you ever make,including me as I were happen to do the same like you.

 

Also,I admit that you are beautiful from every look as I really want to know more about you as a friend,a best one,as I really hoped for it.I don't know what it feels like to have a true love as you were being dumped by your first BF,but I want to say that not all of true love can make you happy (No offense Golden,I'm saying with a full honesty here...).Indeed,you don't have to be jealous to other girls as you already beautiful right now and you don't have to find a man that you love as you already have a man that was really loving you with care.

 

Lastly,I'm feeling sorry about your mom that was in a bad condition thanks to her BF.I know that you feel more suffering than ever,but I hope that you stay strong,always and even the most hardest times.I know that this advice wasn't help you at all,but I'm writing here as a comfort to your suffering heart.So yeah,life can be a pain in the ass,but it's also an interesting journey.It is our decision of where the road shall take us.And for that,I wish that you find a road where you found a happiness to your life....

 

Until then,thanks for hearing me out on this post...

 

P.S.

 

 

As a friend,I hope that you help her when she needs,Golden...

 

 

Edited June 26, 2014 by Hazimie

[The Transcendent Key 12,109]

Thank you all so much for supporting my dear Inori, it really means a lot to me!  See Inori dear?  You have many people who care about you,  especially myself, so don't give up and stay strong!