Needing some help...

[TheWayToDawn 775]

Hey everyone, I'm writing a story called; Surviving as One.

I need some help. I've been done with Chapter 1 for a while now, I've just recently started chapter 2. I need some help. I'm not sure if I should keep the day going through this chapter or if I should just do it the way that I have it now. I haven't posted it yet. I'm actually in the middle of it. Can you maybe help me a bit? Sorry this is a long story.

If you need to you can read CHapter 1, which is very long: http://shaniashortstories.wordpress.com/2014/05/04/surviving-as-one-chapter-1/

 

Sorry this is very long... I don't want to take your time...

Here it is: 

 

When I made it down stairs, I saw the front window was shattered, the hinges on the door has snapped off on top. A lamp is broken on the ground, the TV is fuzzy. I look around for the drawer where we usually keep gun, just in case for emergencies. I find the drawer, open up the top one. I see my pistol, I take it out, pop open the cartridge. It's fully loaded, I grab two extra cartridges and than I hear my mom scream again. But this time, it was in pain. I quickly run to the sound, it's coming from the very back room. The one I never went in before, even though we've been here for seven years.

 

I run to the door and I open it. The site was terrifying. My dad was fending off the freaky looking thing off my mother, that looks like it used to be human. It's skin color is a pale green color, like the life of its body was completely sick and almost dead. It has weird look gaps and whole's on the body, like it was injured before. It's insides were exposed in the gaps, which was quite revolting. It turned and looked at me, its eyes are completely white. I screamed in horror. I growled at me, then charges at me. I shoot it in the head, blood splattered on the wall behind. It makes a shriek as it fell on the floor, it wriggled a few times, then finally dies.

 

I look over at my mom, she's bleeding from the side of her neck, her eyes are open. She doesn't budge a move. I panic and run to my mother's side. "Mom? Mom!?" I say shaking her. She keeps her eyes open, she doesn't breathe, or even acknowledge me. She's... dead!

 

"MOM!" I scream.

 

"Paige, Paige, we need to get out of here, now!" Dad yells pulling me away.

 

"Mom!" I cry as tear poured from my eyes. Dad drags me from the room and I hear another growl. It wasn't human.

I turn around and see it charging for my dad, I shoot it in the chest, blood splatters out of where I shot it and it fall to the ground dead.

 

"What are these things?!" I asked in horror. Dad runs to the gun drawer and grabs his rifle, and some more ammo.

 

"They're the infected people." He informs me. "I don't know how they got here so fast. There was a quarantine escape of these things at the

hospital three hours from here. The escape happened seven hours ago."

 

"What... what do we do?" I asked keeping my gun pointed at the door.

 

"We run, hide, try to survive." Dad answers, cocking the rifle.

 

"Okay, sounds good to me." I say with a nod. "Wait, what about Darron and Joey!?"

 

"Joey is picking up Darron and his parents." Dad says aiming his gun. "Then he's coming over here."

 

"Okay, till then we try to survive?" I asked. I have tears building up, thinking of mom. "Did she die quick?"

 

"No... the thing was on top of her, biting her..." Dad says a tear leaving one of his eyes. "She was screaming and screaming. I-I couldn't save her." I begin to cry again, I lean on the wall, wiping the tear from my eye with my sleeve. "Go get a backpack." He says. "Fill it with everything you need."

 

I nod and start running upstairs. I grabbed my brown backpack, I filled it with three extra shirts, extra pants, some socks, some underwear, my journal, and a pencil. I also put a picture of me, dad, and mom together. I run downstairs. "Clear?" I asked panting. He nods and I run into the kitchen.

 

I grab some canned beans, some rice, some bottled water, some crackers, and some food packets. This should last me at least a week, if I eat my portions right. I throw my backpack on my shoulders, I walk out to my dad. "Okay.... we can go..." I pant, I moved so fast that I felt like I had superpowers.

 

"Okay, let's go." He says and makes his way to the porch.

 

"No, no wait!" I say. I grab my bow, sheath full of arrows, and threw them over my shoulders. "Okay, now let's go."

 

"Use your bow, not your gun." Dad orders. "Use the least bullets you can." I nod, put my gun on my hip, and take out my bow. I readied the bow with an arrow, so if I need a quick shot, I'm ready. I have about fifteen arrows. If I use them right, they can last me a long time. I can make arrows to. But it takes two hours for me to make one. My dad hands me a hunting knife, it has a cover over the blade so I can slide it into my pocket. "Let's go sweetie."

 

I look at the room where my mom is, then I follow him out the door. "Keep up with me, okay." Dad says looking around carefully. I nod and look around with him. I see no movement, but we try to keep quiet. We slowly make our way down the path, I try not to think of mom. Because I'll be hysterical. I need to wait till we get into the car. I hear a growling and clicking. I turn around, there's five of them coming towards us. "RUN, RUN!" Dad orders me.

 

I run exactly as he told me to. I ran towards the road, so it can be easier for Joey to pick me and dad up. The backpack was bouncing up and down on my back, it's slightly heavy, but I need to ignore it. My question is, why didn't dad have a backpack?

 

I hear my dad shoot the rifle behind me, he's gotta be at least ten paces behind me. He must've missed cause I didn't hear a thud of a body or  shriek in pain. I hear the engine of Uncle Joey's car, I quicken my pace. I hear another gun shot. Then a shriek. He got it!

 

"Go, Paige! Faster, I can't fend them off!" He yells out to me.

 

"I... I'll... try!' I huff as I try to quicken the pace. An infected jumps out of the trees towards me, I shoot it with and arrow. I got it in the throat, it fell back and didn't make a noise.

 

As I ran I ripped the arrow out of it throat, which made a repulsive crunch. I cringe as I loaded my bow with it again. The smell was unbearable, but it was an arrow after all. I'm twenty feet from the road now, my dad shot again and I hear another squeal of the infected who has been shot.

 

"Crap!" He yelled. He must not have killed it. Joey's car screeches to a stop. I run faster, I turn around. My dad throws his rifle at me. "Don't worry I got another gun!" He yells out to me, I pick up the gun suspiciously. "Go with Joey, please." The car door opens.

 

"What about you?" I yell out. My dad's lip quivers.

 

"I'm sorry, Paige. I... I love you" He yells. He shows his arm and I see a bite on his arm. "GO! GAH!" An infected tackled him and he yelled in pain.

 

My breathing quickened. "Dad! Daddy!" I screamed, someone's arms wrapped around my body before I could run.

 

"Come on!" Joey yells, as I try to wriggle free. Joey lifted me as I was getting harder to drag.

 

"DAD!" I scream, my dad is yelling in pain. Darron appears in front of me pushing me back into the car.

 

Joey throws me into the car, Darron pushes me in more and shuts the door behind him. Joey rounds the car and gets into the driver's side. I lunge forward onto Darron, I hug him tightly and cry hysterically into his shoulder. He holds me and tries to comfort me. "I'm sorry, Paige." He whispers in a comforting tone.

 

"Paige, you need to pull yourself together." Joey says glancing at me through the rear-view mirror. "We need a sniper right now." I nod as I push myself off of Darron. I wipe my tears away. Collecting myself slowly.

 

"Darron... where's your parents?" I asked horrified. What happened to them?

 

"They told me to meet them in a 'Safehouse' that's in the city." Darron said with a worried look in his eyes. "I couldn't leave without you..."

 

"Darron, why?" I asked having a hint of sadness in my voice. I'm still trembling from my crying. "Never mind, we can talk about this later." I shake my head, grab the rifle my dad threw at me and jumped into the passenger seat. Joey made a quick turn with his car and I slammed into the door. "OW!"

 

"Sorry, darling." Joey says glancing over at me. "You alright?"

 

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say sitting in my seat right. I put on my seat belt and load the gun. I'm slouched forward because of my backpack, I'm keeping it on at all times, just in case I gotta run. I put some new shells into the rifle, I cock the gun. "Where are we going?" My voice is croaky, most likely from holding back my tears.

 

"We're gonna try to make it to the city or something." Joey informs me with a shrug. "If we can't make it there... I... I just don't know." Joey makes another turn. I look at the speed gauge, we're going 70 MPH.

 

"Joey, don't we need to slow down?" I asked looking at him in concern. He shakes his head. I look back at Darron. "Holding up?"

 

"Yeah." Darron says with a nod. He has a gun in his hand. Ready to shoot anytime. "Wish I knew how to use this more..."

 

"Don't worry. You'll learn fast." I say before turning to look out my window.

 

I watch the trees rush by. I watch the sky get brighter and brighter us the sun comes up. The sun warming the place up. I then begin to think of my dad. Which I wish I didn't. But... I can't help it. I think of the jokes we said together. I think when I shoot a gun for the first time, how proud he was of me. I think of how him and I pushed each other into the lakes. I think of my mom. Of how she tried to teach me to knit, it was a disaster. She taught me how to cook some things. She sang to me when I was sick. And I sang to her when she was sick. Then the sound of the radio turning on makes me jump.

 

"What're you doing?" I asked looking at Joey suspiciously.

 

"Need sound." Joey informs me. Keeping his eyes on the road. A song breaks through the static. Then an emergency broadcast break through, seven minutes later.

 

"We have just been informed that there has been a-" The reporter woman said before I switch off the radio.

 

"Paige, what're you-" Joey blurts out.

 

"The news and government can't help!" I interrupt angrily. "They know as much as we know! So who cares what they want to say about this? It'll just be some lies like: 'This situation is being handled' or 'Don't worry we are all safe' and all the other lies they'll tell us." Joey frowns, knowing I know what I'm talking about. The radio will not keep me at ease. Especially the lies the news would try to tell me. "Sorry..." I say realizing how much of a jerk that I sounded like.

 

"Get in the back and get some sleep." Joey orders me. "I'll be fine, had a bit more sleep then you did." I nod and jump into the back seat. I took off my backpack and place it at the foot of the seat.

 

Darron is still awake, but just barely. He looks so tired. "Hey." He murmurs tiredly.

 

"Hey." I say buckling myself in to the middle seat. Darron re-positions himself on the seat, he moves his arm up and I lay down on him. He puts his arm on top of me. I can't sleep well right now. I feel the car go through its bumps and turns. I listen to Darron's breathing which is making me more and more at a calmer state of mind. It's making me want to sleep. But, I don't want to sleep. I'm already afraid, even though

I'm in the protection of the car. I close my eyes for five seconds, then I begin to doze off. Before I knew it, I have dreams about horseback riding with my dad. Trying to knit with my mom.

 

Someone shakes me and I open my eyes quickly. "Paige, wake up." I hear Darron whisper. I lift up my head and look around. It's seven-thirty in the morning. It's bright outside, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust.

 

"What is it?" I mumbled. I rub my eyes and stretch a bit. "You know, you're very comfortable." Darron smiles and chuckles.

 

"We're almost there." Darron says. Looks like he's been up for a while. I lift up my backpack and look inside. I'm checking to make sure everything is accounted for.

 

"Where's your backpack?" I ask Darron. He reaches under his seat and lifts up his backpack. "Okay." I nod.

 

I'm feeling so depressed, I feel so horrible and sick. I don't even care if we make it to the city. For all I care, I can just lay here in the car and die. Darron doesn't say anything to me and I don't say anything to him. This has happened before, when I know he's so upset that it's beyond my words to help him. And he does the same thing. Because we sometimes need to resolve our problems alone. That's how it goes between him and I. Joey turns on the radio again, I take out my journal. Hoping to read something that'll give me hope.

 

After about twenty minutes of reading my journal entries. The car stops. I quickly pack my journal and look up. "What happened?" I asked.

 

"Oh no..." Joey says looking out the window. He exits the car and walks to a ramp. Darron and I exchange looks and then jump out of the car after him. Grabbing our backpacks with us. I swing my backpack on my shoulders,  jogging to Joey. The sit beyond the ramp is horrifying.

 

"What happened?' I repeat, this time more afraid. The city has went to complete chaos. People shooting at each other, screaming, buildings are on fire. What is happening?

 

"People are scared..." Joey says looking at the scene.

 

"What about my parents? They don't know how to fight at all." Darron says in a panicked tone. "My parents could be dead, or worst yet, dying!"

 

"Darron, there's nothing we can do." Joey says with sympathy. "I'm not risking Paige's or your life for it. We're just gonna have to find somewhere else." Joey starts walking to the car. I stare at the scene, it's horrible. It's already started. People going crazy. People trying to kill each other. People fighting for food they already have. Why? What is the point of all of that?

 

"What now?" I asked backing away from the ramp. I turn around and start heading toward the car. Darron slowly follows.

 

"I don't know, Paige." Joey says shaking his head. "There's nothing we can do."

 

"We can hunt. We can gather. We can live in the woods." I say listing the things we can do. "We can do it. We've got enough resources."

 

"No, Paige. We need a city!" Joey says forcefully. "I'm... I'm trying to think of one." He takes gas out of the trunk and rounds the car.

 

"Why? There's just gonna be more people there who could kill us!" I say angrily. We're already arguing and it's only been, what? A couple hours?

 

"Paige, it's safer. There could be more food, showers, water, resources." Joey says filling the tank with gas.

 

"Paige, I think we should do with what Joey says." Darron says looking at me sincerely.

 

"Whatever." I say shaking my head. "We will need to do what we'll have to do I guess." I enter the car on the passenger side and slam the door shut. Angry. I take off my backpack and set it by my feet. I'm not happy with this decision.  It's suicidal. But what ever he wants, I guess I'll have to follow. Darron enters the car in the back seat.

 

"Sorry." Darron says with a frown.

 

"Why did you agree with him?" I asked.

 

"Because he's right. It's our only chance... and..." Darron says then his voice drifts off.

 

"And?" I say looking at him.

 

"And I'm scared of him." He says with a laugh. I smile. I turn away and even though I wanted to stay mad, now I can't. I then think on how upset Darron must be, about his parents. Not know if they're okay. I frown and look at him.

 

"Darron." I say which gets his attention. He looks at me, I can see he's upset. "I'm sorry. About your parents. I hope they're okay." He stares at me for a moment. I don't know what he's thinking, I can't read the expression on his face.

 

"It's okay, don't worry about me." He says looking away. I've only seen Darron cry twice. Once when his grandfather died, the second was when he had broken his arm.  He doesn't cry about pain much, but the broken arm really got to him. I climb to the back seat and sit next to Darron. "What're you doing?" He looks at me. I shrug. He looks out the window, I see a tear running down his cheek.

 

Now I want to cry, cause it's so rare to see him cry. I begin to get worried about him. I tug at his sleeve of his jacket and he looks at me. I wrap my arms around his neck slowly and hug him. He wraps his arms around me and I feel him begin to cry. He's not loud but I can feel the jolts of his body as he cries. I begin to tear up, because I know his pain to a certain point. But I know my parents are dead, he doesn't know what's happened to his parents. Joey enters the car and then looks back at us. He doesn't say anything, so he just starts the car.

 

I don't say a word either, I can still feel Darron cry. I begin to feel my tears run down my cheek. Because feeling him cry and thinking about my parents. It's just to hard not to. But I try to remain calm for him. "I'm sorry, Darron." I whisper calmly, holding him tight. I feel his grip on me tighten a bit. Not in a painful way, but in a way that he needed more comfort. I open my eyes to see that the car is moving, I can see the trees go by. I'm hoping that our future endeavors goes more smoothly then it has the last couple of hours.

Five years later...

 

If you actually made it down here reading all that... I'm kinda shocked you took your time to help me. Anyway, what should I do? Keep going from the "Five years later..." Point? Or keep the day going? What do you think?

Once again... sorry if I wasted your time

[Josuke Higashikata 2,141]

First, before I begin, trust me you didn't waste my time. Now, I'm not exactly a critic, but the ending here leaves you wondering what happened. Unless it clears up what happens in the part after five years later, I'd suggest carrying on with the day. This is just my opinion, and if I'm unclear, please let me know.

[TheWayToDawn 775]

First, before I begin, trust me you didn't waste my time. Now, I'm not exactly a critic, but the ending here leaves you wondering what happened. Unless it clears up what happens in the part after five years later, I'd suggest carrying on with the day. This is just my opinion, and if I'm unclear, please let me know.

You made this clear.

It will explain as the story progress's if I end it there and continue when they're in their twenties. Have Paige remember it, instead of things way in the past with her parents all the time. Would it be better this way? Or just explaining slowly through out the story how it all happened? Cause I want some suspense in the story for my readers to keep coming back to.

[Josuke Higashikata 2,141]

You made this clear.

It will explain as the story progress's if I end it there and continue when they're in their twenties. Have Paige remember it, instead of things way in the past with her parents all the time. Would it be better this way? Or just explaining slowly through out the story how it all happened? Cause I want some suspense in the story for my readers to keep coming back to.

If you want some suspense, then yes, explain it slowly throughout the story. 

[TheWayToDawn 775]

If you want some suspense, then yes, explain it slowly throughout the story. 

Okay, thanks. ^_^

I might just do it this way. Because I'm trying my best for a great story this time. Except for trying to rush it, and not have it detailed. I'm trying to keep it steady, detailed, and suspenseful. With action-packed scenes and some emotional scenes. Like any good book would have. I'm trying as much as possible for people to know Paige more than I ever know her. (If that makes sense)

[Josuke Higashikata 2,141]

Okay, thanks. ^_^

I might just do it this way. Because I'm trying my best for a great story this time. Except for trying to rush it, and not have it detailed. I'm trying to keep it steady, detailed, and suspenseful. With action-packed scenes and some emotional scenes. Like any good book would have. I'm trying as much as possible for people to know Paige more than I ever know her. (If that makes sense)

That makes perfect sense to me. I'm glad I could help