Text Brothers

[MDSVeritas 299]

I've had this in my head for a while, just thought I'd put it up here if anyone wants to have a look or offer a few comments or critiques.---------------------------------------Walking. Always walking.Days. Weeks. Months. The desert seemed endless. It was barren, and it was hot beyond belief. Still the older boy walked. He did not run, nor was he rushed, but he walked with determination in the glare he gave the sun, and a steadiness in every step he took. The dunes came and went. Again. Again. Again...He had gotten used to the new weight in his time walking. The younger boy in his arms slept soundly, as he had for months. It looked peaceful at first. Now it looked eerie, and it hurt to look down at the boy's face, but the older one did it constantly, and every time he would look up with a renewed fire in his eyes. Perhaps it was just the heat. The older boy walked carrying the younger over each dune, under each rock, past every dead and broken tree. It was sometime, deep in the heat of the afternoon finally that the older boy saw it. The temple. It sat in the center of the boy's vision like an oasis. Its white pillars gleamed with an unnatural shine, and it seemed to contort in the heat. The older boy smiled for a moment when he saw it.The inside of the temple was cool. It could even be said to be chilled. The temple was empty on the inside. Cold and empty. The white which had seemed so full of life from a distance seemed sterile inside the walls. There was a single slab in the center of the temple. The older boy walked over to it. Slowly. Hesitantly. He placed the younger boy on it. It barely took a moment from that point."You've traveled a great distance." A voice from nowhere stated, weighing each word heavily."Him..." The older boy pointed to the sleeping child on the pedestal. "Wake him up. Bring him back." His voice was dry and seemed cracked from the desert heat."Are you commanding me?" The voice asked."No..." The boy looked down and took a breath. His next words were softer. "I am asking you. You can bring him back. I know you can. I am... I am asking you. Please. Please.""You came here thinking I would so trivially revive such a soul?" The voice seemed a bit offended. "He rests forever because that is simply how his life has turned out. I should change that fate because you wish it? Is that it? Your wish should supersede life? Your wish should supersede death?""My wish..." the older boy's voice seemed like that of a child's now "... I do not wish to supersede anything. I just want him back.""That is not the way of this world, child." The voice was stern but understanding. "This is simply the result if how events have transpired. If our wishes were all granted, the world would be chaos. Live with the grief child, but by doing so you shall at least live. Life is that way, it is the way it must be for all to exist together as well as possible.""He didn't deserve this!" The boy was angry now. "He didn't deserve any of this! Why should he be punished? This is not fairness, this is cruelty! Why? Why must he be the one? Take me! Trade him for me if that is what it takes! He didn't... he did not deserve this.""You refuse to face the truth here, boy," the voice returned back, " this is not about what is deserved or earned. That is only a part of it. Not all. The world spins crooked, but it is a miracle that it spins at all. Be happy for his life, do not think justice rules all in this world. It is only a piece. In this world of crooked pieces accept what is made and unmade, and move on.""So..." the older boy was choked up now. He stared at the ground such that the redness of his eyes wouldn't stand out in the pure whiteness of the temple "you won't bring him back?"The voice was terse this time. "I will not."The older boy walked over to the slab and picked up the younger child again. "I will find another. Another god. I will look until I find one who will. One of them will help me. You will not, but one of them will." The small drops of water hit the pristine temple floors almost soundlessly. The older boy walked to the temple's entrance holding the younger, sleeping as ever.The voice's final words were not angry. They were not commanding. They were not condescending.They were simply a matter of fact."You will fail."The boy stepped to the precipice of the temple, the heat of the desert returned to his senses. He looked out at the vast hopeless wasteland."I will try."

Edited November 11, 2013 by MDSVeritas

[Ruby Rose 8,591]

I've had this in my head for a while, just thought I'd put it up here if anyone wants to have a look or offer a few comments or critiques.

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Walking. Always walking.

 

Days. Weeks. Months. The desert seemed endless. It was barren, and it was hot beyond belief. Still the older boy walked. He did not run, nor was he rushed, but he walked with determination in the glare he gave the sun, and a steadiness in every step he took. The dunes came and went. Again. Again. Again...

 

He had gotten used to the new weight in his time walking. The younger boy in his arms slept soundly, as he had for months. It looked peaceful at first. Now it looked eerie, and it hurt to look down at the boy's face, but the older one did it constantly, and every time he would look up with a renewed fire in his eyes. Perhaps it was just the heat. The older boy walked carrying the younger over each dune, under each rock, past every dead and broken tree. It was sometime, deep in the heat of the afternoon finally that the older boy saw it. The temple. It sat in the center of the boy's vision like an oasis. It's white pillars gleamed with an unnatural shine, and it seemed to contort in the heat. The older boy smiled for a moment when he saw it.

 

The inside of the temple was cool. It could even be said to be chilled. The temple was empty on the inside. Cold and empty. The white which had seemed so full of life from a distance seemed sterile inside the walls. There was a single slab in the center of the temple. The older boy walked over to it. Slowly. Hesitantly. He placed the younger boy on it. It barely took a moment from that point.

 

"You've traveled a great distance." A voice from nowhere stated, weighing each word heavily.

 

"Him..." The older boy pointed to the sleeping child on the pedestal. "Wake him up. Bring him back." His voice was dry and seemed cracked from the desert heat.

 

"Are you commanding me?" The voice asked.

 

"No..." The boy looked down and took a breath. His next words were softer. "I am asking you. God... you can bring him back. I know you can. I am... I am asking you. Please. Please."

 

"You came here thinking I would so trivially revive such a soul?" The voice seemed a bit offended. "He rests forever because that is what his life has brought him to. I should fetch him away because you wish it? Is that it? Your wish should supersede life? Your wish should supersede death?"

 

"My wish..." the older boy's voice seemed like that of a child's now "... I do not wish to supersede anything. I just want him back."

 

"That is not the way of this world, child." The voice was stern but understanding. "This is simply how his life has happened. If our wishes were all granted, the world would be chaos. Live with the grief child, but by doing so you shall at least live. Life is that way, it is the way it must be for all to do as well as possible."

 

"He didn't deserve this!" The boy was angry now. "He didn't deserve of this! Why should he be punished? This is not fairness, this is cruelty! Why? Why must he be the one? Take me! Trade him for me if that is what it takes! He didn't... he did not deserve this."

 

"You refuse to face the truth here, boy," the voice returned back, " this is not about what is deserved or earned. That is a part of it. Not all. The world spins crooked, but it is a miracle that it spins at all. Be happy for his life, do not think justice rules all in this world. It is only a piece. In this world of crooked pieces accept what is made and unmade, and move on."

 

"So..." the older boy was choked up now. He stared at the ground such that the redness of his eyes wouldn't stand out in the pure whiteness of the temple "you won't bring him back?"

 

The voice was terse this time. "I will not."

 

The older boy walked over to the slab and picked up the younger child again. "I will find another. Another god. I will look until I find one who will. One of them will help me. You will not, but one of them will." The drops of moisture on the ground were almost soundless. The boy walked to the temple's entrance holding the younger, sleeping as ever.

 

The voice's final words were not angry. They were not a command. They were not condescending.

 

They were simply a matter of fact.

 

"You will fail."

 

The boy stepped to the precipice of the temple, the heat of the desert returned to his senses. He looked out at the vast hopeless wasteland.

 

"I will try."

Wow...that was amazing You're a really good writer- I like how you explained the environments, I could picture the desert beneath the sun, the chill of the temple- very good explanations! ^^

 

I also love how you had God explain things, lines like: "If our wishes were all granted, the world would be chaos."  "The world spins crooked, but it is a miracle that it spins at all." Those really hit me as pretty epic, and it makes you think- so I say you created a fine piece- minus a few spelling errors (which is normal for any piece of work), I give this 5 stars! ^~^

[Jordan Arnold 31]

nice job cant wait for the next part