Text A story I made for my class last year.

[Marth 338]

(Now before you even say that I have no creativity, and it sucks etc. this was before I got any true experience with writing, so it's not gonna be anywhere near good, in fact you can say it's mediocre or even inferior. I'm posting this because I need some tips for improvement with these type of things. Well enough rambling, here's the worst thing you will ever read in your life story.)

 

 

There was a boy on Earth, who could remember something from when he was little but now, couldn't remember who or where he was, as if his memory was erased like words on a paper being erased by a pencil. He quickly notices a pair of clothes on his desk, so he decides to put them on. While putting them on, he got a feeling like he did it before, in fact it all seemed to be done before. As he was getting ready for the day the memories of that time became clear, but still was forgetting some things.

 After his mother dropped him off, he became scared for some reason. As he was walking he saw people that looked familiar. He noticed he was walking to a group of five people. When they saw him, they all said "Hey, Kihara!" to him. He became quite puzzeled with this. "Kihara?... Is that my name?" the blonde amnesiac questioned them. They all tried to hold back a laugh, but only one never cracked a smile, and it was a red-head who's hair looked like it defied gravity. "I think he does have amnesia," the red-head said to them. "Kihara" gave a puzzled look at them, but quickly realized what he meant, and gave a depressed expression. Then the boys stopped laughing immediately when they saw his expression. Then, the bell rang.
 As the day went on, the red-head introduced himself as Russell Gordon, a friend of Kihara's, first in fact. Russell guided Kihara with nearly every subject. However, when it came to 1st period of the afternoon, that's when it changed. "What else do you know about me?" Kihara asked Russell. "Well your good at video games, computers, and almost anything electronic," Russell started to tell Kihara, but got interrupted by the teacher. "What are you two talking about?" she ordered them. 'Why do I feel this way?' Kihara said with worry. He felt his skin tighten, her gaze felt like it went through him, and and he could hear his own heart racing. "Who he is," Russell said, with a stern look. "What do you mean?". "He doesn't know who he is, so I'm helping him remember," he said with an determind expression.

 3rd period of the afternoon came by, and Kihara was remembering piece by piece of who he is over time, but still couldn't exactly remember everything. During 3rd period, he saw the teacher asking everyone answers for the subject, and it came to be him for the 1st question. "Kihara, give the answer," he commanded Kihara. "Umm...er...," he said to himself while trying to figure it out quickly. "42, 44," he answered shortly after he tried to figure it out. "Correct," the teacher said, semi-proudly. However, Kihara still felt someone stare at him with shivering eyes, he could hear his own thoughts echo, and taste tears on his mouth. He wondered why he was crying, for nothing bad ever happened to him. He looks at the clock and saw it say 2:40 P.M. on it, signifying it was ready to go home.

 Once Kihara left the school, he was in pure amazement. He saw white, cold, yet fluffy, stuff fall from the sky, he felt his own warm soul turn into an icy soul, heard people having fun with the stuff falling from the sky. "That's snow your seeing," Russell said behind Kihara catching him offguard. "There are 4 seasons: Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. Winter has snow fall from the sky, Spring is where flowers bloom, Summer is where there's time off for almost everybody, and Fall is when leaves are formed," Russell explained to the almost fully restored Kihara. "Really? Well, thanks!" Kihara told Russell and walked off until, he slips and falls on his head. Once Kihara got up, he noticed he was at the end of the school day. "School? Why am I here? Oh well," he said as if nothing happened and walked off back to his home.

 

Go ahead and say this sucks. Go ahead, just tell me what's wrong with this, and I'll try to improve on something like this. that is if I ever do this again for no reason
 

[Shulk 8,623]

It's not as bad as you're saying Kihara. With a few improvements, you'd be a great author! It felt a little cluttered though, that would be a good place to start with improvements. There are a few grammatical errors too, just reading back over would be fine for that (I know you wrote this ages ago, but still, wanted to give you some advice. )

[DarkLoboXIII 19]

It's not the worst thing I've read, believe me, well, you could try to be more descriptive on some parts, like when the Russell is introduced. Aside from that I don't think I can be truly helpful, besides I believe you've Improved a lot since you're saying It was done a long time ago. 

I also agree with Black Star on the clustered part So... Keep up the good work.

[Philip Ellwell 5,487]

Huh....

is it Roxas? 'Cause i'm getting that vibe from it.

[Marth 338]

  On 9/11/2013 at 7:18 AM, TheTimidLight said:

Huh....

is it Roxas? 'Cause i'm getting that vibe from it.

No it isn't.

[Roy 137]

It's really good...but the ending felt too rush to me.

[Philip Ellwell 5,487]

  On 9/11/2013 at 8:22 PM, AT-LOW Kihara said:

No it isn't.

Oh, ok. Sorry then. =)