Text Hawkie's Essays: Four Fears - Are you afraid?

[Hunter Hawk 392]

Before I start I have some things to say...

I recently got really busy in school to the point of not updating any of my stories ( sorry guys ). One reason is that by this school year time of collecting so called "school points" has began. For me that's really important becuase if I don't get enough points I won't be able to study english - my dream study!

So any of you who reads my stories, just hold still for a few more weeks. Once summer begins I promise to update my stories by 3 to 5 chapters per week!

 

Okay now to the main thing. Some weeks ago I got this interesting homework for english, to write an essay about fear. I was really confused and contemplative firstly, but then I got a really amazing plan how to do it. 

After I finished it my teacher said it was very good and nicely put together. Teacher even wanted to put it into school magazine, but I refused becuase it also contains my personal experiance. I didn't want others to know all this stuff about me, I'm already considred as weird person at my school.

That's why I decided to put it here, becuase we all have different experiances and I know you all judge differently. So if you have time to spare take a look at my essay.

 

Four Fears: Are you afraid? ( Mirror, Violence, Time, Space )

 

All the time you keep hearing the word fear. What is fear? Is it just a simple word or something that can turn your life upside down? Everyone is afraid, even if they don't say it. Here’s already one point of being afraid – people are afraid to tell others they’re afraid. It’s

the same as if they said they hadn't lied – they have already done it.

So what I’m trying to tell you? Fear isn’t just a simple thing to understand. It appears in many forms and sometimes people can’t tell what their greatest fear truly is. What makes you shiver? What makes you get goose bumps? Are you already afraid of reading this description about fear?

Try to relax while reading this. It may help you conquer your fears. Everyone has at least one that keeps appearing in his/her life.

 

 

I’m going to introduce you to my own fears. There are four of them and I have already conquered some, with some I’m still fighting and for some other fears I’m afraid will never be conquered. I put together those fears after thinking about my childhood and reading some books about it. Some may sound weird, but after reading the description, you’ll think different. So get ready to meet some main fears of mine.

 

 

Fear with which I’m going to start with is Mirror and other similar things like windows, glass wardrobes and doors. Mirror is used for

watching your own reflection when windows and doors are used for getting in and out. What do those two different things have in common? One answer is hidden in horror movies. Do you remember moments when doors are suddenly slammed by themselves? When windows are opened and curtains wave in wind? Or when mirrors show somebody who isn’t really there? Our head makes up everything. Feeling you’re not alone can be added to this fear. Even though you’re alone you sometimes imagine unknown faces in mirrors, somebody closing and opening doors or turning off the lights. You could say you don’t believe in ghosts, but your mind is making them either way. It’s kind of interesting you’re making up your fears unaware. From my own experience I somehow made theory of imagining such things.

 

When I was home alone there was always just silence. I didn’t like the radio or music playing. Only thing that made the sound was television which I sometimes watched. Except that everything was quiet. Imagine how scared I was when doors were slamming by themselves. We often left opened windows to let air in along with wind which slammed the doors. When you’re little you made up almost everything to explain yourself what happened. It’s like your head is trying to calm you down, explaining you in its own way. It’s a bit different with mirrors. In the mirror you can see your reflection, but that’s not all what mirror shows you. It also shows you what’s behind you and that was the thing I was afraid about mirrors. I always saw every detail behind me, just hoping something won’t suddenly appear. The worst mirror at my home is the first one I see after coming from my room. It’s a big one held on the whole wall. Normally person who

looks in the mirror see only himself, how is he dressed, how he looks and so on. What I see are three different doors behind me and a dark hallway. Sometimes I almost wait for something scary to happen. Again, the head plays with you making you think, the door will suddenly open or someone will appear in the darkness of the hallway. It’s so called predicted fear when you know something will happen, but don’t know what. I can explain both thoughts.The door symbolize the way, either it is the way back, the way forward or just a wall thatcan open. When you’re waiting for someone to come home you probably wait in front of the door to open and see that someone the moment he steps in the house. Imagining door open probably means you’re waiting for someone or you feel lonely and you want someone near you. Unfortunately your head makes up the wrong thing which instead of calming you down scares you.

 

Imagining of door slam is right the opposite of the last example. You don’t like someone so much that you simply want to slam the door or you just want to be alone. There are explanations about the door, but what about appearing person? I used to see a lot of appearing persons either in mirrors, windows or glass wardrobe on the attic. I clearly remember once seeing a lady in a glass wardrobe standing right next to me. Or unknown long haired man that appeared either in my window or mirrors. I don’t know either of those two persons. I only know that I saw a lady in full version along with myself when I saw only the man’s head. I saw those two when I was alone in silence - perfect two makings to imagine fear. For some reason you like silence and loneliness, but deep down you want something more. Sound all around you or someone near you to calm you down. Your thoughts and emotions mix together, creating imaginary things.

 

There are many people who have that kind of fear, but it’s not so bad if they know how to conquer it, either with thinking about other stuff or just looking away. You could also add fear of feeling somebody standing behind you or following you. Or when children think there are monsters hiding in their wardrobes. All that is a part of the mind game your own head plays with you. I still haven’t conquered that fear yet, but comparing it to six years in a past I’m making a great progress.

 

 

 

Moving to the next fear Violenc which is often connected to blood, corpses and death is common fear as well. Horror and action movies are the ones mostly blamed for it, including video games and rare real life experiences. What is blood exactly? Why is blood something that can either make you sick or even faint? Some people have very sensitive stomach which makes them sick every time

they see red body liquid. I don’t mind seeing myself bleeding. I mind seeing others bleed seriously, because I don’t feel their pain and I don’t know how serious it is. But the fear of violence and death is completely different story.

I remember when I was eight and some of my classmates were playing interesting games on internet.Those were still the old times when computers weren't very common. Usually one played when others were watching.  Most of the games weren’t that bad in fact they were funny until I saw them play one really horrible one. In the game you needed to play as the man with a chainsaw cutting things in his way, mostly furniture. Further in game there weren’t just furniture in the way but people too. Either way you needed to cut people if you wanted to play further. Classmates didn’t mind. They even laughed and made jokes on dead people. After seeing that game I started having horrible nightmares, seeing people cut on half with chainsaw. Every time action, blood or weapons were on television or computer I went away. I was scared so much about live action violence and blood, about having those nightmares again. Anger and sadness usually mixed together as my reaction to violence. I just wasn’t ready for violence in movies and I though I’ll never be.

 

Things changed after seeing the movie Avatar. Though I had no courage to pluck in, I went to see the movie either way. It was the first time after that bloody chainsaw game that I paid attention to the amazing graphic and story itself to forget about the action in it. I found out how the action is always a part of the story and reason, not as mindless fighting with bloody ending.

 

Fortunately, this fear can be conquered sometimes by time or by plucking courage and trying to be brave. I fully conquered that fear about four years ago - same year when I started writing. Understanding the point of the violence and the action, I can now fully imagine fighting scenes without any fear. Now I even watch horror movies without any fear, because I learnt how to watch them. Don’t look at the

weapons, blood or dead bodies. Follow the story and keep close eye on things that play a big role. It’s understandable if you aren’t ready, you will be one day just watch with different point of view.

Speaking about movies also makes you wonder about real life situations. Your head here again sometimes play with you in an unwanted way. When you see someone beaten up, bloody or death you somehow see yourself or person you care about in same situation. You’re afraid of this happening to you. Who isn’t afraid of pain or death? It’s a common thing every day and sometimes you have a feeling for

just falling in claws of agony. It’s a hard fear which just sometimes can be conquered easily.

 

 

For the fear which I strongly think everyone has is Time along with sudden changes. Have you ever had the feeling you’re late? Either for school, work or during time limits? Are you afraid of Time itself or losing it? I’ll say losing it. And how about sudden changes? If you’re a really planning person you get the strong feeling when the whole thing isn’t going as you planned. You could also add fear of messing up things.

 

When you have all time in the world, nothing to worry about everything seems alright. But then you must suddenly plan something, get ready for a contest or make things. That’s when that fear gets you. You’re afraid you’ll run out of time, do things in a wrong way and get punishment for it. Being afraid of mistakes is completely normal, the way more than not admitting your mistakes. This fear tells you’re a thinking person who likes to know his/her future before it happens. You want to make plans all the time in order to have good future. If

this planning person is organised in a right way and keeps being successful then fear gradually fades because the person’s mind is determined in order to do things in the right way. Mind literally doesn’t have time to mess with your head.

Sometimes I have a lot of trouble doing things in short period of time. I’m really trying to become more organised person because I see for example how my drawings are created. During a really short periods my drawings are made in a rush with many missing details. Drawing relaxed is completely different story. You’re completely focused in the picture not the clock next to you. Even now, I’m thinking how late it is and how little time I have.

 

Fear of messing things is worse than time. I keep thinking something bad will happen if I don’t do things the right way. Because of it I have this annoying habit that I rather ask for instructions ten times than mess up one single time. Sometimes it comes handy when other times you turned out to be weird. Sudden changes are also breaking my nerves. I mean you have everything planned not worried about

everything then suddenly a situation changes and you must do everything from the beginning only in shorter time. I keep trying not to worry about this so much, but you know sometimes worrying is good. It also helps you consider things for which you aren’t sure.

Ever heard of stage or examination fright? Fear before exams or performances? For exams I know I’ll always be nervous, it’s natural. Good thing is I’m calmed down the moment I get the exam in my hands. Performances often gave me hard time. I play the keyboard and every time I had a performance the stage fright wasn’t away much. I defeated the stage fright about a year ago when I played the keyboard for the first time truly relaxed. There were kids who were supporting both me and other members of the band with their voices. We were playing for both of them and us. Combination of relaxation and harmony can help you lose stage fright.

Also the fear of losing can also be mentioned here ( just remember Eraques' words: "Terra, you mussn't be afraid of losing.")  Recently I had a skiing accident at the skiing contest in which I seriously injured my leg. People kept asking me if I will continue skiing after that kind of event. I will ski, but I don’t think I’ll go on the contest. Fear of time and losing made me careless, so from this experience victory isn’t the first in line. It’s me and doing my best.

 

 

 

Thinking about common fears again have you ever been afraid of Space?  Not the one with starts and planets, the one around you in house, forest or nature. Does word claustrophobia or claustrophilia ring any bells? I’m sure they do. Being afraid of closed space, caught somewhere with not possible escape sure is the thing to send shivers in your skin. Common people with claustrophobia are usually afraid of crowds, small thigh places like elevators, windowless rooms and even tight-necked clothing. Sometimes claustrophobia can cause really strong panic attacks, increasing the heart beat to the point of falling into unconsciousness. Usually claustrophobic fear is cause of traumatic events like being locked in dark room, getting lost in the crown and other similar events.

I’m actually right the opposite of claustrophobia though I had some fears connected to it. I have claustrophillia, I’m afraid of too much space. When claustrophobic people are afraid of small dark places, I see shelter in them. Since I was little I’ve been enjoying hiding in such places and even made them. A blanket, broom, some pillows and I made perfect little tent. I felt safe in such a mini shelter and I still do. For some reason little places where I hide make me calm down and safe. Also when I sleep, I’m always turned to the wall with blanket over my head. I also make sure I’m completely wrapped in blanket with no feet exposed. For some reason I feel as I’m in smaller room. My fear appears when I’m not sleeping in my own bed or bed which isn’t close to the wall. If there’s no wall I feel surrounded, vulnerable without any shelter. Only blanket makes me feel safe. I also remember once when I was in a bit fancier hotel with my parents. I had my own room which was literally huge. Bed was king-sized in the middle of the room. Despite the luxury I still didn’t feel safe. Being in that huge bed felt as being exposed as someone could grab you. There wasn’t anything that could make me feel safe. Everywhere I looked was a lot of space. In the end I made wall of pillows, basically building myself in them.

Another fear is crowds. This is more claustrophobic, where I don’t mind if crowd is in small place. Problem is the crowd in open space where you can get lost. My fear of crowds comes from event which for me was traumatic. I think I was five or even younger when our school had some sort of concert. Everyone was dancing, both older and younger kids. I was in that crowd not minding all the people and laud music. Fear started when I had enough and I wanted to go back in class. But I couldn’t. There were so many older kids blocking way. I said if they could let me through. Either they didn’t hear me or didn’t care, they didn’t let me through. My panic was rising when I started shouting and they still didn’t care. I remember crying when they didn’t let me go through only continuing dancing. I even remember one girl who was laughing so hard. Crying and panic kept rising with others still enjoying. They didn’t care about little kid who was trapped in circle of bodies. I don’t know how much time I was in that crowd. I finally got out when one of the teachers pulled me out. I still cried hours after. When I’m looking at crowds I keep trying to forget, but one photo keeps reminding me. On it is five year old me with well known singer holding microphone in front of my mouth on that day. I was so talkative that time that singer called me to sing something. I don’t remember what exactly I said. I only remember crowd that appears shortly after it. Other than that, crowd and singer

appear in my mind when I see that photo. I don’t want to throw it away, but also not keep it as memorable thing. I could count more and more fears connecting the space, but you would have a bit trouble understanding them if not looking from my point of view.

The thing is everyone sees places and space in different way. Mind reaction depends on your personality you build in childhood.

 

 

 

A lot people are afraid. Their fears can be common, dependable on childhood events or simply there. Fear must be faced one day or will stay in you forever. 

 

Take a deep breath and answer on next two questions for ending: What is your fear and do you know how to defeat it?

 

L.P. Hawk 

[replika13 455]

I still dont really get mirrors or time.

Im deeply afraid of spiders and i had traumatizing experiences with bullying, so im also afraid of large groups of teenagers.

[griann 59]

I'm scared of spider and some insects that bite/sting you. As long as they stay away it's okay for me but if they're close to me I freak out. I'm better with spiders now but insects especially wasps are really scary.

 

I also have this really annoying habit of checking that I have my things with me like wallet bus card when leaving a place/vehicle. I'm really scared of losing stuff I need hence my habit of checking. However, that fear of mine is close to paranoia. I don't check once but in fact more than once, at one time I checked whether I had everything and didn't lose anything 5 times in a row. The reason why I do that is because I almost lost my bus card once a few years ago and sometime after that I developed that habit.

 

Another fear I have, which also tends to be close to paranoia, is time. That includes getting the time and date for something important wrong and not being sure whether I wrote it down correctly, skrewing up at an important time, the future.

About a week ago I had an oral exam. A week before that I wrote down the time and date of that exam. Now, a few days before the exam I started to get real nervous and wasn't sure whether I wrote it down correctly. On the same day a friend of mine wished me good luck and also said the date and time and so I knew I wasn't wrong.

Same example, I was really scared I'd screw up my oral exam.

But more than anything I'm scared of the future. I'm done with all my finals and I'll get to hear the results and whether I'll be allowed to graduate, in about 4 weeks. First of, I'm scared of not making it and besides that I'm really scared of what comes after that. Sure I got a direction I want to go, but I just fear that I'm not right for the occupation I want to take and I end up without a job and everyone around me turning away from me...

 

And 'm really afraid of being alone at home, especially at night. Usually my parents or sister come home the same night and I can go to sleep easy, but once my parents were away for a few days and my sister wasn't there either. Usually when I'm alone at home I watch TV til they get back but since they didn't I ended up staying up the whole night watching TV. I'm really scared because of all the noises one can hear; the light switch, sounds from the furniture, or simply just sounds that indicate that someone else is there. When I'm not alone I know that those sound might be caused by the other being in the house.

 

These are not really fears like the ones mentioned above On second though, they actually are fears: talking to strangers, big crowds, being the centre of attraction, real people.

Every kid was told 'don't talk to strangers and don't go with them'. Even now I still hate to talk with strangers due to me being really really shy. I really have troubles calling a restaurant to make reservation for lunch. I only manage to finally do it because I plan exactly what to say, If I wouldn't do that I'd be stuttering a lot. It also took me about 3-4 of my 5 month during my exchange to answer my hostfamily's phone. I answered it once at the beggining of my stay and there was a real misunderstanding and I didn't do it then.

I really hate big crowds. I live in a 250,000 people town and not in the centre, but rather at the edge. So I'm really not really used to large crowds. I try to avoid big crowds the best I can

I really can't stand being the centre of attraction. Again, it's because I'm real really shy. Maybe it's also a result from bullying and also being excluded by others basically all my school life. Every time I have to stand in front of a crowd, whether it's a presentation or something else, I get really nervous before, it goes away during the presentation, however once when I was presenting my homework I even fainted. That was 5 years ago. After that I developed a fear of presentations. 2 years later I got a new teacher in geographie. That teacher absolutely loved to have a student summarise a topic in front of the class. Since I didn't participate activly by saying things related to the topic, I was rather passiv, he loved to make me do that. I somehow managed to get around it a lot of times but I had to do it once. However, that led to me getting really really scared of school in general and got "sick". Meaning that I was fine at home but as soon as I was in school I got really nervous and came close to fainting from fear. It went away eventually and my fear also somehow got better maybe I got it in the first place because my teacher criticised a lot about my homework when I was presenting it and fainted. Over the years I was fine as long as I wasn't presenting alone because it always reminded me of that presentation. But presenting alone eventually got better, too. Reason for that is that I got better feedback and my last presentation was my research paper and I got a huge amount of help from my sister and I was way more confident, knowing that that what I would say was correct.

And I hate real people. Really. There are only few who don't annoy me. I prefer being online and online people because most of the time I ask myself why I'm even friends with some of them, when they complain about me for talking way too loud and essentially saying that I suck. Real people mostly don't get me and it's more difficult to ignore real people. I rather play video games or listening to music than talking to real people. If the former annoy you, you can turn them off or choose something different, but you can't do that with real people. That's also why I mostly make up excuses when some of my so-called "friends" want to meet up. And my family annoys me basically in the same way my some of my friends do, except for my sister, who doesn't live at home anymore unfortunately.

And I have another really annoying habit. Everytime someone tells me something, I immediately picture that in my mind. However, since I don't really like the sight of other's people blood I sometimes end up trying hard to get awayfrom those images and not to throw up. We once watched a movie about the heart in biology and I felt sick the whole time while watching it. It wasn't only the blood, but also the sound of the heartbeat which made me almost throw up. I simply can't stand listening to the beat.

 

Yeah. That's about it I think. A little bit unorganized I suppose but I wasn't trying to be organized after all.