Text We need a consensus

[Sikota Urinakano 876]

snowangel and I are in a bit of a competition. Who's the better writer? So we agreed on forming this. Below is a story written by snowangel, and below that is one written by me. I ask you to read both and decide which was done better.

 

The Hallow's Eve Werewolf Curse:

 

 

My life is a living nightmare.

Today is the day of Hallow's Eve and my birthday.

"Happy birthday to me." I thought sarcastically to myself.

Everybody is waiting for Halloween to come.

It's down to 9 hours and counting.

I really do hate my life so much.

I wished I would've died at birth.

I hate my family because they treat me like a pack mule.

I don't know what it is, but it feels that theirs eyes are watching my every move, almost judging me.

Then I heard a soft sweet voice say, "Come with us young pup, we have lots to teach you."

I screamed out "What do you want from me?!"

That same musical voice said, "Do you want to get away from your mom, dad, brother, and sister?"

I was shocked that the person knew Mary Black, Mark Black, Marcile Black, and Maricla Black, the Black family.

"Crazy. Tell me about it."

I came home to see muddy paw prints on the floor.

I really want to scream, but if I did I would have gotten smacked with daddy's black leather whips.

After I saw the muddy paw prints I heard a familiar voice speak, "I don't know if Mist will ever shift. For the normal shift is at sixteen she is
already eighteen years old, Alpha."

What is an Alpha and why does it sound like my dad Mark Black.

"I know, Jack. I hate treating my most amazing, beautiful, loving, caring, kind, smart little princess like a weak wolf."

Alpha? Wolf? Shift? Paw prints?

I'm so confused, so I let out a deep gutter wrenching, heart stopping bloody growl.

I ran out the house and into the Forbidden Forest during the full moon.

I felt a prickly sensation all over my body something was wrong.

"Daddy, daddy, help me please I'm hurting so badly. Daddy, do something!" I screeched.

I heard someone yell. "Alpha I think Mist is starting to shift into her wolf."

My dad yelled at the family to get me to my favorite meadow.

I just laid there shaking and shivering, burning and freezing.

Then I backed out at the family 11:59 on Hallow's Eve.

The clock slowly ticked its seconds toward midnight.

When the clock struck 12:00 I could finally open my eyes.

I was so tall in my wolf form that I had to look down on my family.

My wolfs fur was so silver it looked white.

My dad was on his knees leading and begging for forgiveness, he even changed into his wolf form and he showed me his belly, so did the rest of the familly, and now everybody is apologizing to me.

Now everybody treats me like a queen if I ask for something they will stop what they are doing and get it for me.

"Daddy can you ask everybody to meet me in the back yard?"I asked.

"Sure, you sweetheart. Why do you want everybody in the back yard?" Daddy asked.

I said, "I want to see their wolf's fur color."

He said, "Ok. Everybody in the back yard in ya'lls wolf. Now!!"

I heard a lot of "Yes, Alpha."

Everybody is in the back yard.

The colors range from creams, to brown to tans to reds to dark grass and to earth tones, but mine is white. Why?

I asked," Daddy why do I have silverish-whiteish fur color?"

 

Daddy said, "I don't know, sweetheart. You are an amazing wolf. Your wolf is a rare wolf there has not been one I a millions of year."

 

This is so confusing to me, so I let a deep murderous roar.

 

Everybody is sacred of me.

 

I don't know why though, I'm still me.

 

 

 

 

and now for mine

 

Hopeless:

 

 

 

“Wha... What happened.” I couldn’t see. Everything was pitch black. As if I haven’t even opened my eyes. The ground felt... wet. It seemed that wherever I was, it was a big, shallow puddle. Maybe an inch deep. “Where am I?” I stood up. “Wait! Where is she?” I looked from one side to the other. Not seeing anything either way.

There was a muffled noise. It sounded like someone shouting a question but he couldn’t make it out. “Why can’t I say your name, —”

 

“—?” My mouth moved but no sound came out. “—!” I ran in the direction of the inaudible call for me.

 

I didn’t know what it was but something slammed into my midsection sending me flying backward. I coughed up blood, mixing into whatever fluid was below me. Struggling to stand, I focused my eyes, trying to pierce the darkness before me to discern whatever attacked. Nothing.
 

I heard a scream. It must have moved on to her.
 

“—!” Still no noise. I ran in the direction of the cry but was promptly halted when something splashed into the ground before me, it’s musky breath washing over my face. I took a step back. Followed by another. This beast only needed to shuffle forward as I backed away. I turned and ran. The monster easily kept up and slammed me to the ground within seconds, it’s wet foot pressing down on my entire body.
 

She screamed again. There must have been more. Of them. I was useless. There was no way I could help her or myself. The monster’s pressure on me increased. I frantically tried to claw myself away as the life was slowly squished out of me. My hand found something metal. A handle of some sort. I grabbed it, there was extra weight extending in one direction.
 

“Is this–” I was cut off as another one of the beasts legs crushed my arm. I felt the bones shatter. The pain was miniscule however, considering what very may well have been occurring not far away from me. I felt the monster’s breath even closer, it’s jaws being only inches away from me. “—... I’m sorry.” I closed my eyes and waited.

 

 

So... who do you think did better?

[Javelin434 3,164]

I'd say Sikota.Sentence structure 'flows' more smoothlySentence composition is superior to snowangels

transitions are pretty flawless.

 

Snowangel:

I said, "I want to see their wolf's fur color."He said, "Ok. Everybody in the back yard in ya'lls wolf. Now!!"

 

Lost it right there. THAT'S NOT HOW DIALOGUE IS DONE

[Silvia Kuroi 1,480]

Both are very good. I like them both a lot, but I like Sikota's a bit more due to the suspense it brings. It isn't exactly long, but it wraps everything nicely. Not saying snowangel didn't do that, I found her's to be very good as well.

 

Both of you keep writing (I know Sikota will ), because you can only get better from here.

[snowangel 13]

Both are very good. I like them both a lot, but I like Sikota's a bit more due to the suspense it brings. It isn't exactly long, but it wraps everything nicely. Not saying snowangel didn't do that, I found her's to be very good as well.

 

Both of you keep writing (I know Sikota will ), because you can only get better from here.

mine was not finished yet!!!!!!!!!

[Silvia Kuroi 1,480]

mine was not finished yet!!!!!!!!!

 

Sorry! I didn't really know that. But even what you have is good, though! Even if it isn't finished, it's a very good job so far.

[Daniel Black 1,981]

Kill blow...

Anyway... Mmmm I´ll go for sikota just because it´s structure is well versed...

[snowangel 13]

Kill blow...

Anyway... Mmmm I´ll go for sikota just because it´s structure is well versed...

mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!

[Weiss 8,279]

Out of those two as they are I feel Sikota's is better. I feel it was better structured and it grabs the reader in the beginning better. 

[snowangel 13]

Out of those two as they are I feel Sikota's is better. I feel it was better structured and it grabs the reader in the beginning better. 

mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Demyx. 10,064]

mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok. I like yours better.

[Dracozombie 4,554]

mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That's not an excuse, and multiple exclamation marks won't get your point across any better than one (actually, it's the opposite).  If you insist on blaming our decisions on your lack of completion, then give us something more complete.

 

Relatively speaking, I do think Sikota's is the better of the two.  The main problem with yours is bland, telling-instead-of-showing prose, the fact you insist on having each sentence as its own paragraph, and the fact I know nothing of the protagonist except she's a werewolf and her life sucks because her family sucks.  When authors dump all this stuff on characters before we know anything about them, we don't really care about them.  Give us a reason to care about what happens to the characters.  Why should I care about what happens to your protagonist?  And don't say "mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!" because letting us know about your character is one of the first things you should've done.

 

Sikota's story has a style that's relatively more engaging, though it falls into the same trap of trying to make us care about a character we know nothing about; at least your story had names.

[snowangel 13]

That's not an excuse, and multiple exclamation marks won't get your point across any better than one (actually, it's the opposite).  If you insist on blaming our decisions on your lack of completion, then give us something more complete.

 

Relatively speaking, I do think Sikota's is the better of the two.  The main problem with yours is bland, telling-instead-of-showing prose, the fact you insist on having each sentence as its own paragraph, and the fact I know nothing of the protagonist except she's a werewolf and her life sucks because her family sucks.  When authors dump all this stuff on characters before we know anything about them, we don't really care about them.  Give us a reason to care about what happens to the characters.  Why should I care about what happens to your protagonist?  And don't say "mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!" because letting us know about your character is one of the first things you should've done.

 

Sikota's story has a style that's relatively more engaging, though it falls into the same trap of trying to make us care about a character we know nothing about; at least your story had names.

you made me cry

are you happy with yourself

[Javelin434 3,164]

mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

you made me cry

are you happy with yourself

 

Then post the completed version then.

[snowangel 13]

Then post the completed version then.

it is taking a while to finish it

[Javelin434 3,164]

it is taking a while to finish it

Ok then. Post it when finished and then we'll make the decision again...

[snowangel 13]

Ok

[Sikota Urinakano 876]

That's not an excuse, and multiple exclamation marks won't get your point across any better than one (actually, it's the opposite).  If you insist on blaming our decisions on your lack of completion, then give us something more complete. Relatively speaking, I do think Sikota's is the better of the two.  The main problem with yours is bland, telling-instead-of-showing prose, the fact you insist on having each sentence as its own paragraph, and the fact I know nothing of the protagonist except she's a werewolf and her life sucks because her family sucks.  When authors dump all this stuff on characters before we know anything about them, we don't really care about them.  Give us a reason to care about what happens to the characters.  Why should I care about what happens to your protagonist?  And don't say "mine was not finished!!!!!!!!!!!" because letting us know about your character is one of the first things you should've done. Sikota's story has a style that's relatively more engaging, though it falls into the same trap of trying to make us care about a character we know nothing about; at least your story had names.

Sorry for just skimming this over the first time. Thanks for the criticism, I'll keep this in mind for my next shorty