Is it rational...

[RoxSox 3,593]

Let me start off by saying this:

Friends are not my field of expertise.

I've been homeschooled and sheltered for my entire life. I've never been in the position to make a bunch of friends. And when I am in the position, I'm socially awkward and clumsy about it.

 

At least, that was how it was for the first 11 years. Then I moved to a new neighborhood...

Right next door to us was this family, a Mother, Father, and three daughters. Right down the street, their three nieces/cousins. So a portion of my life, I lived near and was 'friends' with six girls.

 

I use the term 'friends' loosely in this particular situation. I was friends with some of the girls... enemies/passive agressive with the others.

 

But one of those girls... my relationship with her was something else entirely.

 

I'm gonna call her Sue for the purposes of this thread. Not her real name, but you know, privacy and stuff.

 

Sue was special. And we had an incredible amount of chemistry. Played off each other perfectly. By far, she was the best friend I ever had.

 

When I was still living there, I bounced around constantly in my head... was she just a friend or are we just a word away from being together? Do I like her that way? Hell, do I love her? No, nonsense, you're just good friends. Can't a guy and girl just be friends? Well yeah, but...

 

Etcetera. I was confused.

 

Eventually, I came to a conclusion. I liked her a lot. On a romantic level, I could totally see it. But I didn't wanna tell her, and complicate things. I didn't want to wreck a friendship for nothing. So I was silent on the matter whenever it came up.

 

And yes, it did come up. Oh hell did it come up a lot.

 

Pretty much everyone told or asked or picked on us about how much we liked each other...you know, typical teenage drama. But we always refuted those claims. We's do the whole "ew no! Were just friends!" schtick. Followed by glancing at each other and looking away really fast.

 

You get the idea. It was a perfect friendship. I liked her, and I never said anything.

 

But this is not me asking for advice about "omg guys should i tell her i like her?". No.

 

She is gone. Just... completely out of my life.

But I didn't want it that way. 2011 was the worst year of my life by far. My Uncle, who I looked up to and saw as a father figure... lets just say he did something terrible. Something completely terrible. It broke up his marriage, and dropped his sorry ass in prison. I was in a very bad place, emotionally. Like I said, I thought the guy was more of a father to me then my actual father.

 

Point is, is that he was a very big aspect of life, for all of us in that little neighborhood. His stupidity cast a pall on the whole thing. Everybody was giving my family funny looks. I was getting funny looks. It was embarassing, and it turned that formerly comfortable enviroment into something passively hostile.

 

The only person who saw me and maintained a belief that it was just one stupid asshole who did something wrong, and that me and my family weren't responsible for him being a stupid asshole, was Sue. She was a friend still.

 

But since the rest of her family was still stupid about it, and my family was still stupid about their being stupid about it... We decided that it was time to move.

 

And we got out of their pretty quick. So quick in fact, that I never even got the chance to say goodbye to Sue.

 

Years of friendship... and I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye to her.

 

Not an ounce of closure.

 

It's been less then a year now, since I left. And I've come to a few conclusions since then.

 

I did not like her. I loved her. I have not stopped thinking about her since I left, and looking back on the things we used to say and do, I know that I had feelings for her. And I want so badly to believe she felt the same... evaluating my memories of how she acted around me and the things she said, I feel that I have evidence that she at least liked me a bit... But I can't presume that is the whole truth. Thing is, I have not seen her in person since... She doesn't have a facebook, last I knew she shared a cell with her sister... there's no way I can contact her and get closure. Not unless I bump into her in person... and who wants to talk about feelings they or may not have had almost a year ago in the middle of Walmart?

 

So my inquiry is this...

 

Is it rational for me to debate what may or may not have hypothetically been the future of my past? Is it rational for me to contemplate what the feelings were of a person I may not ever see again? Am I romanticizing the past?

 

What brought this on now, you ask?

 

Well, me and Sue... one night, she and I sat in the middle of a field, at night, looking up at the full moon. And on that night, we had one of the most fulfilling conversations I've ever had. Talking about our lives, our opinions on things... laughing it up the whole time.

 

And on another night; a year or so later... we did the exact same thing over again, on a night with a big ol full moon in the sky.

 

That stuck with me.

 

Tonight was a full moon. And it hit me real hard with a lot of good memories. Good memories that I can't enjoy, because they all involve the one person who meant something to me, that I'll probably never see again. Is that rational?

 

(Note: I'm terribly sorry for the rant/pouring of pent up emotion in this post. I should mention that I literally have two people that aren't family that I talk to on a semi-regular basis. They're friends, but they're not the kind of friends I can talk to. This post is the first time this stuff has escaped my mind into written/spoken form since it happened, basically. Sorry for dumping it on you... The question is kind of rhetorical but not really. )

[Weiss 8,279]

I think about the past sometimes and what could have happened had things been different but unfortunately they won't. I think it's alright to think some about the past and possible outcomes, just not TOO much. Don't let it stress you out more than it has too imo. It sucks all of that happened and it's alright to think about it but just don't stress over it too much.

[Ben G 166]

I think it's rational....just don't let your past define you....your past is, just that, the past

 

It may suck to hear this but you need to let it go and move forward in your life

[RoxSox 3,593]

I think it's rational....just don't let your past define you....your past is, just that, the pastIt may suck to hear this but you need to let it go and move forward in your life

"Don't let your past define you..."... really? The past is what makes a person who he/she is. If you just forget the past, then you forfeit the lessons learned and experience gained. Yes, I need to move forward, but it's your past that drives you...

[Ben G 166]

"Don't let your past define you..."... really? The past is what makes a person who he/she is. If you just forget the past, then you forfeit the lessons learned and experience gained. Yes, I need to move forward, but it's your past that drives you...

I may have worded that poorly....what I meant was don't become obsessed with trying to fix your past regrets/mistakes....people try to do that and make things worse

[RoxSox 3,593]

I may have worded that poorly....what I meant was don't become obsessed with trying to fix your past regrets/mistakes....people try to do that and make things worse

Oh. Well that makes more sense.. I'm not trying to fix them... I'm just hung up on them.

[VENROXAS 152]

And it may stay like that way for a while man. It sounded like you really had a good time with her. Things like that and those memories will never go away. and granted you were reminded of this recently nothing wrong. It's good to dwell on the past. And what might or could have happened. It's totally rational at least to me. I did know someone and i had to move and didn't get a chance to say anything to her. I just let time slip by so fast it seems. Sometimes having an evening or time to yourself and to relax under the night sky does wonders. Maybe try that to help all the questions and anything else your hung up on. I'm not much help but i dunno try it