So...here goes...I need some advice....

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

*sighs* Okay..here goes...

 

So currently Im, for the most part, living with my boyfriend. We've been dating for a year and a half and for...Im gonna say a year is how Ive been staying with him. And for that entire time, and apparently almost two years before that, his brother has been living with him rent free. 

 

When I first started staying with him it didnt bother me that much. I mean, Im the new person. Intruding in on their bachelor pad, ya know? So I tried not to make too much of a fuss. But as the relationship got more serious little things started to get at me more and more.

 

First, let me back up and say Ive known my boyfriend longer than we've been dating. For a few years we used to work together, so I heard stories about his bummy brother who couldnt keep a job and has been mooching off him for years and how much it frustrates him that he doesnt pay any bills. Now, my boyfriend is currently a manager at his job so he makes quite bit. He works like 12 hours days starting from 4am till whenever he gets the work done. He has his own home, his own car, decent credit, etc. 

 

So as the relationship progresses I start to offer some of my meager earnings to benefit the household. Whether it be towards the mortgage, groceries, gas (I currently dont have a car so he drives me to work sometimes. But we work for the same company.), and other things we might need.

 

But his brother does not. The little bit he does get from their mom he buys cigarettes, games and the occasional $20 worth of food thats more for him than anyone. It wouldnt bother me that much if he cleaned while my boyfriend and I are at work, but he RARELY does that. I, or my poor boyfriend, have to end up cleaning the house on our days off. My boyfriend tells me to make myself at home, but I cant. My boyfriend and I have had a fight or two about his brother being there and not doing any contributions, but where else would the guy go? Living with his Mom nearly destroyed her relationship with her husband for the same reasons, and Im afraid its going to do the same for us. 

 

I guess what Im asking is, what should I do? I dont want to make him choose between me or his brother, because that isnt fair. Thats his family. And its not my place to talk to his brother about anything. Hes like 30 something. And honestly I dont think it would be right for me to leave my boyfriend because of his brother. That would be stupid. *sigh* I guess Im asking what you neutral parties think. Ive asked my friends but their opinions are a little biased lol.

 

Oh, and on Christmas with what little I had I was able to get my boyfriend something he wanted for Christmas, a new phone holster and Assassin's Creed III. He loved them both. Then his brother turns around and buys him a phone case for his birthday, which is a few days after Christmas. I dont know why, but it bothers me. Like alot. Probably petty feelings because of my already deep disdain for the guy but it really hurt my feelings.

[Geralt 4,874]

Hmm I see that's really interesting, I know I've heard of many cases of these kinds of things, oh god I sound like Doctor Phil D: Anyways! Here's what I think. I think that you should sit down with your boyfriend when you have the time and kind of talk things over, then both of you should sit down with his brother, talk things over with him and start helping him get on his feet you know? Help him get a job, and to be more clean for the while he's staying there. Just kinda be supportive I guess? Maybe be a little strict and give him a deadline to get a job or get out or something of that sort? I hope you can get things worked out. 

Edited January 10, 2013 by Rainbow Dash

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

  On 1/10/2013 at 1:51 PM, Rainbow Dash said:

Hmm I see that's really interesting, I know I've heard of many cases of these kinds of things, oh god I sound like Doctor Phil D: Anyways! Here's what I think. I think that you should sit down with your boyfriend when you have the time and kind of talk things over, then both of you should sit down with his brother, talk things over with him and start helping him get on his feet you know? Help him get a job, and to be more clean for the while he's staying there. Just kinda be supportive I guess? Maybe be a little strict and give him a deadline to get a job or get out or something of that sort? I hope you can get things worked out. 

 

Thats just it RD. My boyfriend has talked to his brother about getting a job. Ive given him information about job opportunities. Everyone has. And Ive talked to my boyfriend about getting him a deadline, but Im pretty sure his brother knows that he wont kick him out. He would have to go back to his mother's and I wouldnt want to do that to her. Shes a very nice lady with problems of her own right now. ):

[Geralt 4,874]

  On 1/10/2013 at 1:57 PM, Birth by Chawklet said:

 

Thats just it RD. My boyfriend has talked to his brother about getting a job. Ive given him information about job opportunities. Everyone has. And Ive talked to my boyfriend about getting him a deadline, but Im pretty sure his brother knows that he wont kick him out. He would have to go back to his mother's and I wouldnt want to do that to her. Shes a very nice lady with problems of her own right now. ):

I see...Has the mom been trying to help out with getting him a job and such? And Is there any friends of your boyfriend, yours, or his brothers that he can move in with?

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:00 PM, Rainbow Dash said:

I see...Has the mom been trying to help out with getting him a job and such? And Is there any friends of your boyfriend, yours, or his brothers that he can move in with?

 

His Mom is a very busy lady. But she does give him odd jobs to do in exchange for money. Again, he just blows it on other stuff instead of saving it up. And I would not do that to any of our friends. Plus, theyve heard the stories. And the ones who havent arent financially sound enough to support someone who isnt going to pay them back. And, I dont think his brother has any friends honestly x____x

[Geralt 4,874]

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:05 PM, Birth by Chawklet said:

His Mom is a very busy lady. But she does give him odd jobs to do in exchange for money. Again, he just blows it on other stuff instead of saving it up. And I would not do that to any of our friends. Plus, theyve heard the stories. And the ones who havent arent financially sound enough to support someone who isnt going to pay them back. And, I dont think his brother has any friends honestly x____x

Well, I should say that you should put your foot down and just somehow force him to get a job and move out sooner or later, since your boyfriend wouldn't want to kick him out go kind of alternative like maybe paying some rent, or paying for one of the utilities. Anything of that sort could help. You shoulnt be all soft on him otherwise nothing would really work and he'd be there forever ._.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Rainbow Dash

[Sora96 17,256]

Clearly his brother needs to move out. 

[Demyx. 10,064]

You can't really do anything. It's your boyfriend's family and he has to handle it the way that he feels best. You can't make them feel like you are intruding and trying to take over. (I am not saying that you are. I am just saying that is the way a lot of people would react.)

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:14 PM, Xaon said:

You can't really do anything. It's your boyfriend's family and he has to handle it the way that he feels best. You can't make them feel like you are intruding and trying to take over. (I am not saying that you are. I am just saying that is the way a lot of people would react.)

 

I try not to. I really do. Especially since, once again, his brother was there before me. On my days off the only time I go downstairs (besides cleaning up) is to get something to eat and then Im back upstairs in my boyfriend's room out of his brother's way. That whole downstairs he has all to himself. I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I dont see how his brother would think that Im intruding. Im just trying to help out my boyfriend since hes trying to do the whole school/work thing. It stresses him out sometimes, and having his brother live there rent free isnt helping. But, once again, where else would he go?

 

And I know you werent trying to say I was trying to intrude, I was just emphasizing that I wasnt trying to.

[Caity 3,946]

  On 1/10/2013 at 1:57 PM, Birth by Chawklet said:

 

Thats just it RD. My boyfriend has talked to his brother about getting a job. Ive given him information about job opportunities. Everyone has. And Ive talked to my boyfriend about getting him a deadline, but Im pretty sure his brother knows that he wont kick him out. He would have to go back to his mother's and I wouldnt want to do that to her. Shes a very nice lady with problems of her own right now. ):

 

If he knows there's absolutely no chance of him ever getting thrown out when these deadlines are set your best bet is to, as much as it may pain your brother to do it to his family, but stick to the deadline when he threatens to throw him out.  When there is no fear there really is no motivation and if you've been living it easy for so long people get comfortable and see no point trying to do things on their own until they are forced.  Tbh throwing him out may be the only thing that'd get me to grow up and start being independent.  

Considering, why don't yous do what Earl did (in my name is Earl) he paid for a motel room for a week, sent a guy there and told him he had til the end of the week to find a job, otherwise he'd be homeless.  Now if it gets to a point, weeks after and he is homeless still not finding something, you could then offer him a place back at yours out of kindness, but throwing him out may give him the reality check he needs.

 

EDIT: I know you don't wanna feel like you're intruding, when I say "yous" I mean you AND your boyfriend.  As well as a motel you could line up a few interviews for him if he really needs to be spoonfed.

Also, if the relationships getting serious, no offence you will start to take pretense over his lounging brother.  Family is still important, but if you were to get married and then have a fight with his mother, as your husband he's gonna more likely side with you.  I think the fact you actually stay up in your boyfriends room when you have days off is a little weird, when you were asked to move in I'm sure that it was with the intention that you would treat the house like your own.

Edited January 10, 2013 by Caity Raindrop

[Demyx. 10,064]

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:19 PM, Birth by Chawklet said:

I try not to. I really do. Especially since, once again, his brother was there before me. On my days off the only time I go downstairs (besides cleaning up) is to get something to eat and then Im back upstairs in my boyfriend's room out of his brother's way. That whole downstairs he has all to himself. I cook, I clean, I do laundry. I dont see how his brother would think that Im intruding. Im just trying to help out my boyfriend since hes trying to do the whole school/work thing. It stresses him out sometimes, and having his brother live there rent free isnt helping. But, once again, where else would he go?

 

And I know you werent trying to say I was trying to intrude, I was just emphasizing that I wasnt trying to.

 

Well, from what I have seen many times in life, one day it will all get to your boyfriend and it's going to make him flip out on his brother and kick him out. But, like I said, it's not your place to do anything. I say this because, if it has caused fights between you two before, all it is going to do is cause another fight. What I would do is just say subtle things that makes him think about what his brother is doing. That's the best I can think of.

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:20 PM, Caity Raindrop said:

If he knows there's absolutely no chance of him ever getting thrown out when these deadlines are set your best bet is to, as much as it may pain your brother to do it to his family, but stick to the deadline when he threatens to throw him out.  When there is no fear there really is no motivation and if you've been living it easy for so long people get comfortable and see no point trying to do things on their own until they are forced.  Tbh throwing him out may be the only thing that'd get me to grow up and start being independent.  

Considering, why don't yous do what Earl did (in my name is Earl) he paid for a motel room for a week, sent a guy there and told him he had til the end of the week to find a job, otherwise he'd be homeless.  Now if it gets to a point, weeks after and he is homeless still not finding something, you could then offer him a place back at yours out of kindness, but throwing him out may give him the reality check he needs.

 

EDIT: I know you don't wanna feel like you're intruding, when I say "yous" I mean you AND your boyfriend.  As well as a motel you could line up a few interviews for him if he really needs to be spoonfed.

Also, if the relationships getting serious, no offence you will start to take pretense over his lounging brother.  Family is still important, but if you were to get married and then have a fight with his mother, as your husband he's gonna more likely side with you.  I think the fact you actually stay up in your boyfriends room when you have days off is a little weird, when you were asked to move in I'm sure that it was with the intention that you would treat the house like your own.

 

Ah, My Name is Earl. I love that show!

 

And youre totally right, it is weird that I just stay in that room. My boyfriend's commented on it a time or two before. But his brother doesnt like my loungewear (for lack of a better word) so I just kinda stay in the room. Besides, theres an 360 and TV in there so Im not bored. I just dont want to give his brother anything else to say to my boyfriend to bother him.

 

I love that idea though. Like alot. I just dont think my boyfriend would want to put up the money for that. Especially since money is tight as it is now. But I may jokingly pitch it him and see what he says lol

 

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:24 PM, Xaon said:

Well, from what I have seen many times in life, one day it will all get to your boyfriend and it's going to make him flip out on his brother and kick him out. But, like I said, it's not your place to do anything. I say this because, if it has caused fights between you two before, all it is going to do is cause another fight. What I would do is just say subtle things that makes him think about what his brother is doing. That's the best I can think of.

 

Youre absolutely right. It isnt my place to tell him anything about his brother. Which is why Ive stopped. I do try the occasional subtle hint and try to be as happy as I can there. I mean, I love my boyfriend. Alot. And I dont want this to come between us, so I bite my lip and try to do the best I can for him. I just wish his brother did more.

 

And I appreciate all you guys offering your advice, whether youre silently judging me or not lol.

[Lu Xun 2,069]

I agree. Seems like you shouldn't be so kind and start being strict with him-- if your boyfriend isn't able to do that-- then perhaps the best thing you could do is force him to at least try to find a job or you probably will live like that forever. He needs to see you guys are serious and will do something if he doesn't start being an adult. I'm afraid that's the only way to change things.

[Ajexmi 446]

  On 1/10/2013 at 1:45 PM, Birth by Chawklet said:

*sighs* Okay..here goes...

 

So currently Im, for the most part, living with my boyfriend. We've been dating for a year and a half and for...Im gonna say a year is how Ive been staying with him. And for that entire time, and apparently almost two years before that, his brother has been living with him rent free. 

 

When I first started staying with him it didnt bother me that much. I mean, Im the new person. Intruding in on their bachelor pad, ya know? So I tried not to make too much of a fuss. But as the relationship got more serious little things started to get at me more and more.

 

First, let me back up and say Ive known my boyfriend longer than we've been dating. For a few years we used to work together, so I heard stories about his bummy brother who couldnt keep a job and has been mooching off him for years and how much it frustrates him that he doesnt pay any bills. Now, my boyfriend is currently a manager at his job so he makes quite bit. He works like 12 hours days starting from 4am till whenever he gets the work done. He has his own home, his own car, decent credit, etc. 

 

So as the relationship progresses I start to offer some of my meager earnings to benefit the household. Whether it be towards the mortgage, groceries, gas (I currently dont have a car so he drives me to work sometimes. But we work for the same company.), and other things we might need.

 

But his brother does not. The little bit he does get from their mom he buys cigarettes, games and the occasional $20 worth of food thats more for him than anyone. It wouldnt bother me that much if he cleaned while my boyfriend and I are at work, but he RARELY does that. I, or my poor boyfriend, have to end up cleaning the house on our days off. My boyfriend tells me to make myself at home, but I cant. My boyfriend and I have had a fight or two about his brother being there and not doing any contributions, but where else would the guy go? Living with his Mom nearly destroyed her relationship with her husband for the same reasons, and Im afraid its going to do the same for us. 

 

I guess what Im asking is, what should I do? I dont want to make him choose between me or his brother, because that isnt fair. Thats his family. And its not my place to talk to his brother about anything. Hes like 30 something. And honestly I dont think it would be right for me to leave my boyfriend because of his brother. That would be stupid. *sigh* I guess Im asking what you neutral parties think. Ive asked my friends but their opinions are a little biased lol.

 

Oh, and on Christmas with what little I had I was able to get my boyfriend something he wanted for Christmas, a new phone holster and Assassin's Creed III. He loved them both. Then his brother turns around and buys him a phone case for his birthday, which is a few days after Christmas. I dont know why, but it bothers me. Like alot. Probably petty feelings because of my already deep disdain for the guy but it really hurt my feelings.

 

 

  On 1/10/2013 at 2:20 PM, Caity Raindrop said:

If he knows there's absolutely no chance of him ever getting thrown out when these deadlines are set your best bet is to, as much as it may pain your brother to do it to his family, but stick to the deadline when he threatens to throw him out.  When there is no fear there really is no motivation and if you've been living it easy for so long people get comfortable and see no point trying to do things on their own until they are forced.  Tbh throwing him out may be the only thing that'd get me to grow up and start being independent.  

Considering, why don't yous do what Earl did (in my name is Earl) he paid for a motel room for a week, sent a guy there and told him he had til the end of the week to find a job, otherwise he'd be homeless.  Now if it gets to a point, weeks after and he is homeless still not finding something, you could then offer him a place back at yours out of kindness, but throwing him out may give him the reality check he needs.

 

EDIT: I know you don't wanna feel like you're intruding, when I say "yous" I mean you AND your boyfriend.  As well as a motel you could line up a few interviews for him if he really needs to be spoonfed.

Also, if the relationships getting serious, no offence you will start to take pretense over his lounging brother.  Family is still important, but if you were to get married and then have a fight with his mother, as your husband he's gonna more likely side with you.  I think the fact you actually stay up in your boyfriends room when you have days off is a little weird, when you were asked to move in I'm sure that it was with the intention that you would treat the house like your own.

 

I stand in roughly the same position as Caity (on the most part) - but I think there's an option that hasn't been mentioned. It may be the least pleasing option to you at the moment, but may prove to be very effective. I think that in the end your boyfriend MUST choose between his brother and you - because none of you can take the next step in your respective lives whilst the situation remains as it is. The brother will never grow up and become independent, you will never get the quality down time with the boyfriend you both need and your boyfriend will likely struggle to fully commit to you whilst he is, essentially, taking care of his good for nothing brother indefinitely! PS: Marriage in this situation will only make your problems worse.

 

My suggestion is this: Whilst you make an effort to put money towards positive household needs, and hold your weight in the house, you can always say that you can't live with him whilst his brother is there for the aforementioned reasons ( the need for progress, he neds to grow up, you need privacy, ect.) and you can always move out yourself. If it's your boyfriend's house and his brother won't leave, or has nowhere to go, then I'm sure your boyfriend will read you loud and clear and make efforts to sort his brother's life out. When he either achieves this, or simply gets rid of him for being useless (whatever) you two can live together again.

 

I think you will learn a lot about your boyfriend from this as if he won't stand up for you or value you now - then believe me, it doesn't get better from now. Being freshly in love is the time in pretty much all relationships (both real and fiction) where male convictions are swayed by their love. I am celebrating my 3rd anniversary with my girlfriend at the end of this month, and I have lived with her for two years. In that time people have stayed with us, including her sister, so I am not pulling this advice out of my arse I have dealt with very similar situations and taken multiple forms of action to achieve a resolution.

 

I am sorry if this seems to be filled with assumptions and misconceptions, but your first post did catch my attention as it felt like a familar story! I'm always free, by the way, if you want to pm me if you eveer need to talk.

[VisitJoan 2,713]

If this is really bothering you, I would try talking to your boyfriend about it in some neutral location, and try to be gentle about it.  Other than that, I don't think there's anything you can do.

[Birth by Chawklet 40]

  On 1/10/2013 at 3:58 PM, Ajexmi said:

I stand in roughly the same position as Caity (on the most part) - but I think there's an option that hasn't been mentioned. It may be the least pleasing option to you at the moment, but may prove to be very effective. I think that in the end your boyfriend MUST choose between his brother and you - because none of you can take the next step in your respective lives whilst the situation remains as it is. The brother will never grow up and become independent, you will never get the quality down time with the boyfriend you both need and your boyfriend will likely struggle to fully commit to you whilst he is, essentially, taking care of his good for nothing brother indefinitely! PS: Marriage in this situation will only make your problems worse.

 

My suggestion is this: Whilst you make an effort to put money towards positive household needs, and hold your weight in the house, you can always say that you can't live with him whilst his brother is there for the aforementioned reasons ( the need for progress, he neds to grow up, you need privacy, ect.) and you can always move out yourself. If it's your boyfriend's house and his brother won't leave, or has nowhere to go, then I'm sure your boyfriend will read you loud and clear and make efforts to sort his brother's life out. When he either achieves this, or simply gets rid of him for being useless (whatever) you two can live together again.

 

I think you will learn a lot about your boyfriend from this as if he won't stand up for you or value you now - then believe me, it doesn't get better from now. Being freshly in love is the time in pretty much all relationships (both real and fiction) where male convictions are swayed by their love. I am celebrating my 3rd anniversary with my girlfriend at the end of this month, and I have lived with her for two years. In that time people have stayed with us, including her sister, so I am not pulling this advice out of my arse I have dealt with very similar situations and taken multiple forms of action to achieve a resolution.

 

I am sorry if this seems to be filled with assumptions and misconceptions, but your first post did catch my attention as it felt like a familar story! I'm always free, by the way, if you want to pm me if you eveer need to talk.

 

Ive thought briefly on this option myself and actually taking action towards it. I have a friend Ive discussed this problem with and she has her own apartment. When I get my car situation straightened out I was planning on moving in with her until this whole brother situation gets taken care of. But not without letting him my boyfriend know the reason Im leaving. 

 

Heck, Ive even told him I may move back in with my Mom for a while (and I love my mother, but I despise living with her and my sisters. *shudders*) because Im tired of him stressing out over pleasing me and his brother. And we dont have much privacy honestly.

 

And maybe its because Ive lived with my Mother for such a long time with all my sisters that I feel this way. When you move out of your parents home into your own (or less strict home) you imagine all these things you get to do that you couldnt before. Playing music on the stereo while you clean, being able to dress down on your days off, not having to lock your doors, buying whatever you want, having any pet you want. But I cant do ANY of those things.  His brother stays up till like 3am in the morning so hes sleeping when Im cleaning and I cant make much noise or he'll complain, I cant wear what I want because his brother has said something to his brother about it, I have to lock the door to make sure his brother doesnt come in our (my boyfriend and myself) room getting things hes run out of, I cant buy certain things for dinner because his brother doesnt eat it or is allergic to it, and Ive ALWAYS wanted a pet cat but his brother is allergic to cats.

 

Last but certainly not least, his brother has his own room and own bathroom....a bathroom which hadnt been cleaned in close to a year (maybe more) according to my boyfriend. And it only got clean recently because their mom's water heater was acting up so she had to come use the showers in our house. I was asleep so she had to use his brother's bathroom, and had to clean it up first before she could. Im pretty sure it would still be dirty if I was awake and she used ours. 

 

Look, Ive been in a few relationships before and this is honestly the best one. My boyfriend has done more for me than anyone before him, sometimes even my own family has done for me. People have suggested breaking up with him but honestly I dont think thats an option. I dont think its fair to the both of us to break up over his brother. 

 

Once again I thank all of you guys for your advice. I know people are having much bigger problems than my own yet you guys took the time out to help me with mine. It means alot.

[Ajexmi 446]

  On 1/11/2013 at 11:53 AM, Birth by Chawklet said:

Ive thought briefly on this option myself and actually taking action towards it. I have a friend Ive discussed this problem with and she has her own apartment. When I get my car situation straightened out I was planning on moving in with her until this whole brother situation gets taken care of. But not without letting him my boyfriend know the reason Im leaving. 

 

Heck, Ive even told him I may move back in with my Mom for a while (and I love my mother, but I despise living with her and my sisters. *shudders*) because Im tired of him stressing out over pleasing me and his brother. And we dont have much privacy honestly.

 

And maybe its because Ive lived with my Mother for such a long time with all my sisters that I feel this way. When you move out of your parents home into your own (or less strict home) you imagine all these things you get to do that you couldnt before. Playing music on the stereo while you clean, being able to dress down on your days off, not having to lock your doors, buying whatever you want, having any pet you want. But I cant do ANY of those things.  His brother stays up till like 3am in the morning so hes sleeping when Im cleaning and I cant make much noise or he'll complain, I cant wear what I want because his brother has said something to his brother about it, I have to lock the door to make sure his brother doesnt come in our (my boyfriend and myself) room getting things hes run out of, I cant buy certain things for dinner because his brother doesnt eat it or is allergic to it, and Ive ALWAYS wanted a pet cat but his brother is allergic to cats.

 

Last but certainly not least, his brother has his own room and own bathroom....a bathroom which hadnt been cleaned in close to a year (maybe more) according to my boyfriend. And it only got clean recently because their mom's water heater was acting up so she had to come use the showers in our house. I was asleep so she had to use his brother's bathroom, and had to clean it up first before she could. Im pretty sure it would still be dirty if I was awake and she used ours. 

 

Look, Ive been in a few relationships before and this is honestly the best one. My boyfriend has done more for me than anyone before him, sometimes even my own family has done for me. People have suggested breaking up with him but honestly I dont think thats an option. I dont think its fair to the both of us to break up over his brother. 

 

Once again I thank all of you guys for your advice. I know people are having much bigger problems than my own yet you guys took the time out to help me with mine. It means alot.

 

 

that sounds like a very wise plan, and surprisingly the situation you described is almost identical to the image I had of it originally I think it's the fairest and most honest way to go about resolving this - and if you love someone, the best thing you can be for them is honest as close to 100% of the time as you can (or so I  believe and stick by)

 

It sounds like you care for him a lot, and I just hope the advice you are receiving on this thread is taken constructively and proves usefull in the end. I really hope this has a happy end for the three of you.... well, you and your boyfriend at least! ^^, (there's the honesty coming out )