Working on Inter-Personal Relationships.

[TheDarKris 85]

One of the things I have to work on is my relationship with other people, namely my friends. What I mean by this is going from the point where you only interact with your friends in certain environments (i.e.: School, Clubs, Sports Teams, etc.) to where if you wanted to, you could do things with your friends outside of those groups.

 

As I think about ways I could try to get to this point, many questions pop up in my mind:

 

1: How do you get to that point in the first place?! When you have friends in those settings and you only talk to them and hang out with them in those settings, more importantly you only feel COMFORTABLE being with those people in those settings, how then do you feel comfortable enough wanting to hang with your friends outside of those environments? Also, how do you make it so you're confident enough to know that your friends will be comfortable wanting to be with you outside of those groups?

 

2: How do you "put yourself out there?" I probably heard this line a million times: "If you want to (insert what ever relates to this statement) you need to put yourself out there." I understand that, but HOW THE HELL DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS?! Now I'm not to ignorant in the matter, I do know how to do this in certain situations, but not all situations, mainly in terms of trying to make friends and make myself more of a nice-to-have-around friend to a want-to-have-around friend, or to make it so people in general want to be around me.

 

(I thought I had more but I forgot v.v If I remember or have more questions that pop up, I'll let you guys know.)

 

Since I grew up being by myself, not being wanted around by other people because of how I looked/ acted, and in result not having the social engagements that most people have, dealing with this social awkwardness and trying to make friends etc. has been very tough. Since I'm clueless about some of this stuff I really hope you guys could give me some advice on the matter, thanks .

Edited September 25, 2012 by DkrisXIII

[Wyle 123]

All I do is smile and keep a positive attitude. People want to hang out with somebody that has the same interests as them, is a friendly person, and someone who doesn't feel the need to have the attention all on themselves. Start small, I suppose, and ask if they want to catch a new movie coming out or whatnot, and work your way up. Or, use that setting you and he/she/them outside the school/group/club. I'm sure people would be comfortable around you outside of a norm setting as it is in the setting.

 

Put yourself out there, hmm. I've been told to do this a many times by my superiors. Just go do something fun that you wouldn't normally do, but that still attracts interest to you! Let's say you're a great writer-- join the Newspaper. You love politics-- political talk groups at school. Making friends should be easy when you're in stuff you love because you all have the same interests and feel the need to talk to one another. Be happy because that sends off a vibe of, "I'm a very friendly person, I'm open to talking!"

 

The biggest factor is to just be yourself. I know it may sound weird that a kid a year younger than you is giving you advice on social matter; and you've probably all heard this before.

[Dracozombie 4,554]

1. You get to that point by taking the plunge. Going outside your comfort zone isn't supposed to be comfortable--why do you think it's called that? You don't just get comfortable interacting with people outside of situations you're used to; you need confidence from good experiences that will stop making you nervous. If you don't have many good experiences, you need to make them, except you're too nervous or whatever to do so. It becomes a chicken or the egg situation, so that's why you, on a whim, ask them, "Hey, wanna go hang out at [X location]?" X being a restaurant, movie, mall, or whatever. If you haven't interacted with people all that much in the past, you probably won't know what to do. This is how you learn. Muster up courage and just ask, or otherwise it'll just become a vicious cycle.

 

2. Putting yourself out there means being involved in things. Joining clubs and stuff is a good start, and what many high school and college aged people do. Again, this involves mustering some willpower, taking the plunge, and saying hi. Evolving from "nice to have around" to "want to have around" takes a lot of time and work. I operated under the assumption that the latter was reserved for best friends, not mere friends or acquaintances, though that might just be me.

[Master Juan 574]

When in doubt, whip it out.

[TheDarKris 85]

When in doubt, whip it out.

 

It's cause I'm black, isn't it?

[Master Juan 574]

It's cause I'm black, isn't it?

 

That makes it even better.

[Wyle 123]

It's cause I'm black, isn't it?

 

You know what they say about blacks. Once you go black... you're in a wheelchair.

-Terry Crews featured in White Chicks

[XIIISwords 1,059]

Let me tell you my story.

 

In high school, I never hung out with friends outside of school. I was in 10 extracurricular activities (at least 10), so I had lots of friends, but I never hung out with them elsewhere. I have an extremely close relationship with my siblings, so I never really felt like I needed something else.

 

Senior year was coming to a close, and our tennis team had a season-ending party. Admittedly, it was my first time hanging with friends outside of school. Pathetic, I know, but true. So we went to one kid's house, watched a movie, played pool, and walked to the beach. I felt out of place. When should I talk? What should I say? Was I the killjoy of the group? Needless to say, I had fun, but left feeling a little odd.

 

We graduate, and I realize that I may never see these people again. So my friends invite me to the local fair. I had never been there, and wanted to see them again. So I went. These were friends more like myself in attitude, and while I spent some time feeling awkward, eventually I had a lot of fun.

 

I had to leave for college early in the summer, so regrettably I didn't get a chance to go to the graduation parties I had been invited to (the first parties I had been invited to). So on my last night before I left, I called up some of my best friends and we went to another fair. We had a blast. And I left home the next day wondering if I would have had more fun if I had been more open.

 

So I arrived at college and everything is new. As a typically shy guy, I decided to take my dad's advice. He told me to sit next to a girl in class, preferably a cute one, but not a hot one. Funny sounding advice, but he noticed that most of my friends are girls, and they're the down to earth ones. The guys I'm friends with aren't jocks, but more artsy ones. So I saw two girls, roughly average height, and I walked over to them. I introduced myself and we talked briefly. One of these girls was in another class of mine, so I would sit next to her and we quickly became decent friends. But then it happened. Almost randomly. There were a group of us.

 

You see, her friends had met a few friends, and one day somebody suggested playing a board game. We all jumped at the opportunity, and went. I became friends with her friends, and vice versa. My circle of friends had exploded from 2 to 7.

 

One day soon after, I entered the cafeteria and didn't see any of my friends. Then I saw this guy who was from a different country sitting alone. He was twice my size, but not in an intimidating way. And then it hit me (moral coming soon). He was like me, alone and wanting a friend. I mustered up the courage and sat next to him and asked his name. We talked a little during dinner, then went our separate ways. The next day I saw him at lunch, and sat with him again. This happened for a few days before I started seeing my friends at meals and I invited him to join us. I can't say what happened next, because the shy, foreign kid became friends with everyone and is now one of the most unique friends we all have.

 

So one of my first tips is to scan. Scan a situation and think about the other people. Might they be like you in any way?

 

Then you have to feel for them. If you think they'd have fun hanging out with you, you will too.

 

Next, put yourself out there. Ha ha, I know you hate this, but it's so true. One girl in our group is almost exactly different from me. We don't talk much. But when I would see her in a room studying, I would go join her. I knew it would be awkward, but I figured, why not?

 

I guess to more directly answer your questions:

 

1. Observe other people and think who you would genuinely like to be with. The cheerleaders are hot, sure, but would you rather have their company or the people who love to do the same things you do are.

 

2. Don't wait to be asked, just take the leap. "We're going to the movies." "Can I tag along?" or "Hey guys, what do you think about the carnival?" Don't be turned down by faceplants. Several days I've sent out a group text "Lunch anyone?" and I either get ignored or told "no." But there have been just as many times where I get a "Sure!" and "Thanks, I was going to text everyone but forgot." And when it does happen, it's so much more fulfilling than eating alone.

 

Eventually, it feels normal. Now I don't mind walking 10 minutes in the dark to study with friends across campus, or staying up till 3 am playing Monopoly or charades. If you feel yourself wondering "what if?" sometimes you have to put yourself out there. just make a leap and do it anyway.

 

If I didn't answer your questions let me know! I'd love to answer or explain anything better/in another way!

[Amon 4,279]

One of the things I have to work on is my relationship with other people, namely my friends. What I mean by this is going from the point where you only interact with your friends in certain environments (i.e.: School, Clubs, Sports Teams, etc.) to where if you wanted to, you could do things with your friends outside of those groups.

 

As I think about ways I could try to get to this point, many questions pop up in my mind:

 

1: How do you get to that point in the first place?! When you have friends in those settings and you only talk to them and hang out with them in those settings, more importantly you only feel COMFORTABLE being with those people in those settings, how then do you feel comfortable enough wanting to hang with your friends outside of those environments? Also, how do you make it so you're confident enough to know that your friends will be comfortable wanting to be with you outside of those groups?

 

2: How do you "put yourself out there?" I probably heard this line a million times: "If you want to (insert what ever relates to this statement) you need to put yourself out there." I understand that, but HOW THE HELL DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS?! Now I'm not to ignorant in the matter, I do know how to do this in certain situations, but not all situations, mainly in terms of trying to make friends and make myself more of a nice-to-have-around friend to a want-to-have-around friend, or to make it so people in general want to be around me.

 

(I thought I had more but I forgot v.v If I remember or have more questions that pop up, I'll let you guys know.)

 

Since I grew up being by myself, not being wanted around by other people because of how I looked/ acted, and in result not having the social engagements that most people have, dealing with this social awkwardness and trying to make friends etc. has been very tough. Since I'm clueless about some of this stuff I really hope you guys could give me some advice on the matter, thanks .

 

1. The first and most important thing is eye contact. No matter what kind of relationship you want to build with a person, looking them in the eye will be the key to getting the desired outcome. You can tell a lot about a person by looking into their eyes, how they are feeling, what they might think of you etc. You can't build friendships if people can't see your emotions, or lack of. You can't intimidate or command respect if your giving someone a piece of your mind and can't look them in the eye while doing it. You also won't get the girl if you can't look her in the eyes and tell her how much you care about her (especially if your eyes are focused on those mystical objects on her chest). Secondly, simply ask friends to come and hang out at your place for a bit or if they would like to see a movie with you. If they're just friends and nothing more it shouldn't be too difficult. Also try to make people laugh, if your not too good at saying funny things without looking like a fool try building off something funny that someone else said. Don't try too hard though, it will be obvious and no one will find it amusing.

 

2. As for putting yourself out there. Just try out a bunch of different groups and meet new people! Build a reputation for yourself, hopefully a good one. It's not as hard as it may sound. Do you get good grades? Then you can be the smart kid that people go to for help. Are you fast? Try running a mile faster than anyone else in your grade. Everyone is good at something or even several things. Work hard at what you are good at and make it public, like playing an impressive Piano piece at a school talent show at something. Don't run around rubbing stuff in people's faces for attention, people will just find you annoying. Instead, simply explore multiple opportunities, you might find something your really good at or something you enjoy doing and in the process, people who are similar to you.