Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 11, 2010 (plz read this is my first story and I hope its at least a good start) Intro: On the island of Harmeo,there were four children. Their names were Saki,Zathern,Nill,andMitsuki. They were best friends who spent there days playing with wooden swords and dueling each other by the beach. It was their routine. However,One day Zathern didn't show up "I wonder where Zathern is"?,Mitsuki asked. "He's probably sleep,said Saki,"You know how lazy he is". Nill was walking from his house to the beach when he seen the two girls. "Hey guys"!,yelled Nill,"Where's Zathern". "We don't know"?,the girls said simutaneously. Little did they know the next time they see their friend,it will be a matter of life and death. To Be Continued.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Koko 3,944 Posted February 11, 2010 Good start! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 11, 2010 thank you Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
xionultima 44 Posted February 11, 2010 Cool! owo I'd read the whole story! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 11, 2010 thx! this is only part 1, I'll post part 2 once I'm ready. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 11, 2010 Its a good beginning, short and sweet. (unlike my story no one comments on T_T) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RoxSox 3,593 Posted February 11, 2010 It starts off pretty blatant, the vocabulary makes me go: "Eh..." Look up some alternate words... The story thus far reminds me to much of the Destiny Islands bunch... The story is pretty similar to... But I like it still! The Vibe sets the right tone... It's goign somewhere, I can't really tell you what direction til I see more.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CodedbyDays 12 Posted February 12, 2010 I didn't expect it to be this short. Thanks for not forcing me to read an entire 3 pages or something. It kind of starts of a little generic, but I do like the little cliffhanger at the end. It could use a bit of editing, too. I know that this is the internet, but it's just a pet peeve of mine to have grammar mistakes. Here, it's probably pointless, but just fixing a few things up: On the island of Harmeo,there were four children. Their names were Saki, Zathern, Nill, and Mitsuki. They were best friends who spent their days playing with wooden swords and dueling each other by the beach. It was their routine. However, one day Zathern didn't show up. "I wonder where Zathern is?" Mitsuki asked. "He's probably asleep," said Saki, "you know how lazy he is". Nill was walking from his house to the beach when he seen the two girls. "Hey guys!" yelled Nill. "where's Zathern?" "We don't know," the girls said simutaneously. Little did they know the next time they see their friend, it will be a matter of life and death. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chronic Tumor 149 Posted February 12, 2010 On the island of Harmeo,there were four children. Their names were Saki, Zathern, Nill, and Mitsuki. They were best friends who spent their days playing with wooden swords, dueling each other by the beach. It was their routine. However, one day Zathern didn't show up "I wonder where Zathern is?" Mitsuki asked. "He's probably still asleep," said Saki. "You know how lazy he is." Nill was walking from his house to the beach when he saw the two girls. "Hey guys!" yelled Nill. "Where's Zathern?" "We don't know," the girls said simutaneously. Little did they know the next time they see their friend,it will be a matter of life and death. I fixed your errors in punctuation, grammar, spelling, and style. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 12, 2010 @evry1 who fixed things:thanks @sorage: what story? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 12, 2010 @ven is roxas's true self: exactly! Its supposed to be a non-KH related story but I might change that. Its called "The Domo Chronicles: The Adventures of Veinxs Poisenberry" a story about a werewolf prince who's homeland was taken away by an evil robotic creation made by his father, the king. The story is based with mythology and in the meideval times. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 12, 2010 Dude as said on the thread itself, your story is awesome! plz continue. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 12, 2010 *couldn't wait so I think I'm double posting* Chapter 1: Valuable Treasure (13 years later...) The sun was bright, shining its light on all the citizens of Gravor City. All was silent as a strange man walked up and down the streets. The man was an outsider.He was searching for a rare item.Something called a Liger Tablet. The man was determined to find this sacred text and would do anything to get it. That man was Nill. Growing weary from his searching,Nill rested at an old inn. When he opened the door he soon realized that the place was deserted. Cobwebs dangled from the ceiling, there was a draft coming from the upper floor, and where ever you walked the floor creaked. "Oh well,I don't think I'll be here for long anyway".Nill said as he walked upstairs to a small room on the left of the hallway. Back at the Island of Harmeo... Mitsuki was painting a picture of the beach to show Saki.She was still painting the Sun. "I hope she'll like the picture when I'm finished". Mitsuki said happily as she painted. (Chapter 2 coming soon) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cricket 1,180 Posted February 12, 2010 I think it resembles Destiny Islands too, but I do like where you are going with the story. The chapters are a little short, and maybe try to work on more description? It is not a bad start though. <33 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 12, 2010 Well sure its a Destiny Island start, but I feel things ar going to get interesting! They may be short inputs of the story, but doesn't that just make you wanna go back for more? Great job Ven, keep up the epicness. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HelpMeRan-Sama 141 Posted February 13, 2010 Its a good beginning, short and sweet. (unlike my story no one comments on T_T) Haha same here T^T Nice story <3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 13, 2010 Chapter 2:"How much longer"? (this chapter's where the action begins) "I'm suprised that you made it,Zathern".A tall man wearing a white and yellow robe with tan skin was talking to the young teenager. Zathern was angry,"You really think I give a damn whether or not your suprised by my appearance"?! Zathern,while standing,pulled out a gun and pointed at the elder's head. The man arose from his throne,"Guards,cease this man"! The guards ran towards Zathern,weilding bronze spears, and attempted to stab him in the head. Zathern jumped in the air and shot the guards in the heart. "Don't underestimate me". Zathern said as he left.The king was confused as to why the attacker didn't kill him when he had the chance. When Zathern emerged from the castle a small boy was waiting for him. "Did you place the bomb"? Zathern asked. "Yes sir"! The boy replied. Moments later the castle exploded.The residents of the castle were heard screaming as the castle burst in flames. In Gravor Nill was sleeping when his black cell phone rang. Nill answered,"Who's this"? "It's me,Mitsuki". "Oh,how have you been"? "Fine". Nill was glad that he had someone to talk to."So why'd you call"? Mitsuki sounded worried. "It's been thirteen years since we seen him.Seen Zathern". "True". "So,since your not here I wanted to know if you have loooked for him. I mean how much longer untill we see our friend again"? "I don't know". *wow...this was probably the longest chapter I wrote so far..(Chapter 3 will be posted later.)* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 13, 2010 ignore this post Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 13, 2010 Interesting! So the story is placed in the present day area? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 13, 2010 more or less I couldn't directly say Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 14, 2010 Chapter 3: Arrogance Saki was painting a wave as it crashed on the shore. As Saki painted, Mitsuki carved words on a stone lodged into the soft,yellow sand. Mitsuki sighed as she finished the last word.Saki was painting the foam that made the top of the wave. She saved that part for last. Mitsuki walked next to Saki,"Your painting looks great".Saki,still painting smiled, "Thank you". Mitsuki watched the setting sun. Gravor was only 15 miles east from Zathern's location. Nill walked to the nothern outskirts of the city. As soon as Nill stepped away from the city a demon appeared.It was all black with three eyes on its forehead and blades coming from its flesh. The demon attacked with speed as its element. Nill unsheathed his sword and slashed at the demon,the key is take out the arms, Nill thought as he striked the unholy creature's arms. The demon slashed Nill's face and blood spilled from the wound.Nill knew he was in trouble. Demons began spawning from the ground and they striked his legs to bring him down. Zathern was wearing a red cloak with a hood. He flipped the hood up when he saw Nill and killed the demons with his gun. "Your arrogance will cost you". "What"? Nill was confused by Zathern's words. Zathern walked away. Unconcerned about his friend's injuries or confusion. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 15, 2010 ROFL, nothing can go wrong as long as you have a gun in your hand and a mysterious personality! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 15, 2010 Not for Zathern anyway(I'm trying to decide if I should add where he got the gun). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sorage55 10 Posted February 15, 2010 sorta tough choice. If you do it might distract the reader away from the story, then again, unless you have him in a conversation with someone asking where he got his gun or you could always make a prequal focusing on Zathern's life during those may years untold about. (Like when my story is finally finished i'm making a couple of prequals, one of them focusing on Veinxs's life on the run for those 2 years. -_-) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Emo/Yami 37 Posted February 15, 2010 hmmm I might do the prequel.But after I'm done with this story. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
