NumberXIII.Roxas 64 Posted July 13, 2012 Impressive. Keep up the good work! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Terranort9406 288 Posted July 13, 2012 Keep like this man I really like how you idea of describing the characters it really works Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Think Pink 1,967 Posted July 13, 2012 Another one of your great stories, Lu!! I already am falling in love with James<3 he seems like a cutie 1 Lu Xun reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Crashrobot55 238 Posted July 13, 2012 thank you for showing me this story, It's going great. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
simba363 6 Posted July 13, 2012 good story..... i would also like to write storys but i get so lazy..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rikufan25 170 Posted July 13, 2012 Great job, Lu Xun. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Gamerazor247 877 Posted July 13, 2012 read Princess Kelsty part and already loved it , be waiting for next part bro... be wating...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kyle Clegg 2 Posted July 13, 2012 i like it so far writer in the making here! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dracula X 14 Posted July 13, 2012 Seems cool. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Always 309 Posted July 13, 2012 Nice, Lu Xun! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dusk 910 Posted July 13, 2012 Keep up with good work bro! It would be nice to see skilled writers like you on RP section Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nohjx 157 Posted July 13, 2012 I found what was written so far very beautiful. The devotion and determination that seems to give off from James' character is very amazing. Keep it up! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SquareSora 133 Posted July 13, 2012 I really think this a work of art!! :DD u know i think its so good that maybe itll get turned into a movie!!! i mean idk really im a writer myself and i have to say that was a very good piece of writing for the intro!! well done!!! if u ever need help bro, im here 1 Lu Xun reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
moonlightmidnight 14 Posted July 13, 2012 The story line is really good. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J. Severe 1,137 Posted July 14, 2012 (edited) Great so far. I really like the drawings in the first post too. Edited July 14, 2012 by J. Severe Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kirie 3,489 Posted July 14, 2012 Sorry I didn't read it earlier, I was having technical difficulties Anyways I love the new chapter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
StarStruck 78 Posted July 14, 2012 I'm waiting0.0 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Loki 1,184 Posted July 14, 2012 Alright, you asked for it. *cracks knuckles* The Emperor swiftly gathered all the Lords of the land, to attack ... unnecessary comma ...the key to victory was a young woman, named Leyla Merces, who had a brilliant mind... unnecessary comma ...but Leyla said that nothing would be gained with it, and convinced him to let her in a prison. "gained from/by it" "let her in" makes it sound like she wants to go to prison and is asking for permission. Should use a better phrase. ... Leyla was promoted as the Empire's official tactician, and also turned into Kelsty's teacher. "turned into" implies a transformation like "a bird turned into a cat". A better word would be "became" or something like that. Four years, after the first rebellion... I inserted a comma here ...she died with only twenty-five years. "she died of only 25 years" even though there was a measureless lost for the Empire. "it" would work better than "there" Should be "measureless loss" However, the Emperor was afraid that after this event, her daughter... Needs to either be "that, after this event, her daughter..." or "that after this event her daughter" That was the reason why he decided to hold a contest, in which the winner would receive the honor of stand by Kelsty’s side... unnecessary comma It either needs to be "the honor of standing by" or "the honor to stand by" Then, the contest started, in the end of the year 1715, and the winner ... You are really going to town with these commas. You dont need either of them. ... James Kunn, which was only nineteen-years old, showed that he was courageous and brave, at the point of ... "who was" "to the point of..." He was also well-known around the Empire, since he was a cousin of Lady Merces. unecessary comma The other competitors went well "did" The finals would take place in the next day, in an arena, where both of them would face... Ommit "in" to "The finals would take place the next day" unecessary comma Two spies were sent after both competitors, to see how they... unecessary comma Even if one of them were to lose the battle, but show courage, bravery, and honesty, then he would... Usually you can use a comma before conjuction like "but", but in this case, since its a continuing thought, the comma is unecessary. -- he looked tired, and could barely move himself, and hold the sword he chose to fight his enemy. Too many "and's" in one sentence. Ommit it. The people around the arena were completely surprised about these results. "by" I’d rather have a loyal, brave, who don’t rely on cheap tricks to win... Technically there should be no comma here, but even without it it sound unnatural since "brave" is rarely used as a noun. You should consider a different word than "brave". "who doesnt" Such a coward act... "cowardly" “I will do all that is in my power to protect Princess Kelsty, and I will always be courageous and brave, and even give my life for hers if it’s needed. Too many "and's". You should omit it and maybe consider starting a new sentence after Kelsty. James said this world in front of all the people... Typo and also unnatural. omit it to "James said this in front..." Kelsty was truly amazed by how beautifully that man could express himself. Sounds unnatural. Perhaps say "the man" or "he". Yeah, I think you dont understand where to put commas so you overcompensate and put them in wrong places. You should work on that. I dont mind proofreading if you want me to, but commas and apostrophes makes my dyslexia go crazy so it makes things harder. Try to improve on this before I help you again if you would. Edit: The code broke because apparently I made too many quotes and not it wont let me fix it. Just deal with it. Theres firetrucking quotas for everything! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SquareSora 133 Posted July 14, 2012 im sure he'll do something Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted July 14, 2012 Thanks for your nice comments guys, I love you! And Loki, thank you as well, I'll be sure to study English a lot more. New chapter up later today or tomorrow, stay tuned Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sora's Baby 729 Posted July 14, 2012 Thanks for your nice comments guys, I love you! And Loki, thank you as well, I'll be sure to study English a lot more. New chapter up later today or tomorrow, stay tuned Is English your second language? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted July 14, 2012 Is English your second language? Yup. I'll finish the English course next year, though.My main language is Portuguese Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sora's Baby 729 Posted July 14, 2012 Yup. I'll finish the English course next year, though. My main language is Portuguese Ah, I still have yet to really study a second language. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted July 15, 2012 The Bad Guy Born in the year 1689, Jim was a man who passed through hard times during his life. First, when he was only a baby, his father died of illness. Without money, his mother had no option but to let him in an orphanage. Although it was one of the worst acts she ever did, she swore that one day she would come back. In the year 1704, she came back. However, Jim could not recognize that woman anymore, since he was left there when he could barely form a sentence. And so she successfully managed to take him to live with her just as she promised in the past. The years passed, and Jim continued to have a hard life. With a job, his mother was able to sustain him, but he could never dream of having a luxurious life. As a teenager, he started turning into a bad person. He wanted to have endless money and somehow, live in a castle. But he did not want to take lots of years to realize these dreams, by having a normal life and working hard. Therefore, he left home when he was eighteen, and joined a group of people who stole in order to live. His mother was desperate, but she decided not to move a finger for her son; she’d let him live as his heart commanded him to. If he wanted to return home, then she’d welcome him with kisses from his head to feet. http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ6vNmjQ0zg His gang was truly smart, and therefore they never got caught by the Empire’s police. Jim was selfish -- he could never think of anyone before thinking on his own safety. In the year 1712, he intended to steal all the money from the most important bank of the Empire; Brastor. But he was surprised by the police. He had the chance of saving himself or his companions. It wasn’t hard to discover which option he would go for. His entire gang was caught, judged and sentenced to stay twenty years as prisoners. The police searched for Kim all over the Empire, but he could never be found. Being smart, he decided to change his name before the police started looking out for him. He was now named Kim. Having passed through all of that during his life, Kim was determined to do anything in order to have a luxurious life. So, when he heard of the contest for Princess Kelsty’s bodyguard, he quickly made his mind; winning would mean staying in the palace, with money and every good thing life has to offer. Being smart, beautiful and convincing, he easily passed through the first part and was chosen to the finals, along with a boy named James. To Kim, winning this meant realizing his dreams. Obviously, he could not let his opponent have the smallest chance of defeating him. He knew some dangerous people, to whom she asked some drugs; but not any kind of it, a special one, capable of fooling even the best doctor, who would never detect it, but rather think the victim was asleep. That was the hardest part of the plan. The rest was easy -- he just needed to play the innocent with that man named James. In the morning of the great day, he went to his opponent’s house, saying that no matter who won, they were already two winners. He made a special breakfast for both of them; but of course, he had put the drug in James’ bread and orange juice. His plan worked brilliantly. The match was won in less than ten seconds. But the Emperor was no fool. He had put spies after both competitors, and discovered everything about Kim’s plan. He gladly announced that James had won, since he did not need to use any cheap tricks. That day was one of the worst days of Kim’s life. He swore he would get his vengeance. The Empire, James, even Princess Kelsty would pay for that humiliation. But this time he would need plenty of time to carefully arrange his plans. There couldn’t be a single chance of failing. And so, years later, he had finally set up a perfect plan.... [The continuation of this will only be told once the Main Story starts] Thank you for reading. I certainly could never write this with all my heart if it weren’t for you guys. I love you all ♥ 4 Think Pink, Kirie, Hunter Hawk and 1 other reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sora's Baby 729 Posted July 15, 2012 Nice job. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
