Text An Forgotten Past [might offend people and contains foul language]

[ars25 6]

so this is my first story that in the works only have three chapters as of now any crique it if you want so i can improve

 

a little side note i named them chapters to be fancy but they are just really paragraphs also any character other than the main one will have "around their words to distuinguise them along with *when i write something to show when time passes or an action

 

Chaprter 1 Prologue

 

My name is Ray most of my life i have lived was normal untill the fated day. it all started like normal i woke up ate breakfast got ready for school,but that's when it all went down hill. i noticed something diffrent there was a new kid at school. in a twisted chain of events she would turn out to be some thing usefull and my best friend."hi ray." what do you want and how do you know my name."i asked." well stop bothering me and leave me alone."oh well since i know your name i might as well tell you my name it's Angelica but people call me Angel for short." didn't i tell you to leave me alone."but....."SHUT UP didn't i said to leave me alone.*leaves classroom* "but i can't leave you alone not yet not until you regain your former self". little did i know but that was the start of some thing that would last forever.

 

Chapter 2 The Anoyance Countinues

 

*A few days latter

"Hey Ray." What the firetruck do you want didn't i tell you to leave me alone."Well yeah but your the only one i know and your the only friend i have."Well i don't consider you my friend."Oh well then can you help me get friends"Hell no!"Ray!' yes ms.yuko."go help little Angelica make friends as a punishment" What i'll do anything else but not that."i said go help Angelica make friends NOW!!"ok dam it.'Thanks ms.yuko" "anything you want Angelica" "You can call me Angel if you want bye." "Bye" *Both leave classroom.*

*A few hours latter* God dam we asked every one of the students in this school and still you git no friends."Well not all of the students" you don't mean me do you. "Right on target" well...."Hi Ms.Yuko" "Hey Ray why don't you be her friend" What Hell No this was torture but that will be over kill. " "See you tommorrow Angel" "Bye Ms.Yuko" Hey don't take this to seriusly ok? "k" *ray leaves* "Step one befriend him again complete."

 

 

Chapter 3 Forever Alone?

*later that day as Ray nears his home*

Man now i have to be friends to her.Hugh the door is open? Mom Dad Sis are you here is any one here? "so this is Deaths apprentice the infamous Shimigami who is able to steal the soul of any object." what the hell are you talking about and what did you do with my family. "your family is dead and you know perfectly well what i am talking about." Shut up i'm getting out of here. *Ray runs out* "oh no you don't" *the mysterius thing runs after him* what the hell i this thing? Angel Angel help me. "Ray?" This thing is following me saying i was Death's apprentice and that he killed my family. "Ray follow me now!" But.... "I'll explain later but now you need to follow me" Ok. *sometime later* "ok we lost him" What the hell is happening?! "it's a little hard to explain but you and i are more than friends" What? "What you really are is the reincarnation of death's apprentice and in your previous life i was your best friend and your weapon of choice." what? "he's here hurry extend your arm." what? "extrend it now" *the thing begins to get nearer as he runs* "I said NOW!" Ok. *Ray extends his arm* *Angilica disappers and a weapon appears in his hands* now what? "attack him" ok. *Ray attacks 7 time none of which hit it* why can't i kill him. "Should have known put pressure on me now" What? "pressure your grip on me" Umm umm oookkk. "don't let emotions get in your head you pervert" *Ray puts pressures his grip and an aura appears on the weapon* here goes nothing. *Ray slashes the thing and it dies* man that was hard. *Ray faints* "Ray Ray!"

 

thanks for taking the time to read my story

[burnsideking24 256]

It needs a lot of work. For one thing, you should probably describe what's going on like you first started out doing in the prologue to help the reader understand what's going on and who's there. Give more description and it would also help to put quotations on Ray's dialogue as well cause I was confused when he started talking and the narration stopped. Also, were you watching Soul Eater? And why would Death's apprentice be mortal? How old is this Angel girl?? What did the creature that attacked them look like? How did Ray find Angel when he ran away from said creature? Why didn't he see his dead family and become shocked? Please make this story much more clearer.

[Loki 1,184]

Im offended by the title. It should be "A Forgotten Past"

[Queen Tery 4,591]

For starters, you need a lot of work on your grammar. It's kind of difficult to read when you can't understand what's going on.

Edited June 21, 2012 by Ertyx

[Protoman 1,974]

AN FORGOTTEN PAST: AN STORY FOR THE AGES.

may or may not cause you cancer

[FireRubies1 1,325]

I don't get it.... I am unsure of when someone is talking and the narration is sort of bad... whose point of view is the narrator coming from? It's pretty jumpy as well.... he woke up, got ready for school and the next thing you know he's there and he's talking to some girl....

I didn't even bother with the other 2 paragraphs because I didn't understand at all.

You can always improve though if you try

[ars25 6]

thanks i will work on it

[FireRubies1 1,325]

thanks i will work on it

 

Ooh I forgot...describe the setting a bit. Because not knowing how the school or his house looks makes it sort of awkward to read

[4Everbee 1,365]

I didn't really get it to . And it was hard to read.