coolwings 1,546 Posted January 16, 2012 Update: Chapter 1 The Beginning (Out now) Chapter 2 Head Quarters Under siege (Out now) Chapter 3 The Crash Site (Out now) Chapter 4 The Hunt Begins (Out now) Chapter 5 The Masked Figure(Out now) Chapter 6 Egg Town (Out now) Chapter 7 The Dark Knight (Out now) Chapter 8 The Dream (Out now) Chapter 9 The Mission (Out now) Chapter 10 The Sender (Out now) Chapter 11 Death (Out now) Chapter 12 The Final Battle (Out now) Chapter 13 The sending (Out now) The story is now finished...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted January 16, 2012 best movie ever. Friend"It..It not a movie...And that not even the chapter..." ....Damn it 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 16, 2012 The Sender….. Chapter One The Beginning Betty walked through a crowd of people not caring nor noticing them. She walked past countless shops until she saw the opening between two shops. She walked down the dark alley with no fear. There was wall at the end of the alley Betty hesitated but then walked through confidently. Through that wall was a secret passage. She walked down the steps cautiously. At the bottom of the steps was a long hall with long beams to the sides. Betty wasn’t surprized that other than the beams the hall was empty. Betty walked about half way through the hall then she stopped. She could now see the end of the hall. At the end of the hall was a large door with a shape of a face carved into the door. Betty was shocked at first but after a long pause she said “I wish to join The Light Warrior’s. There was a loud creaking noise and the faces mouth started moving. “Name” said the door in a loud strong voice that echoed through the hall. “Betty swine” said Betty in a scared voice. There was an even louder creaking noise and the door started to open. “Proceed Betty Swine” said the door. Through the door was a huge white room. A man came rushing towards Betty. “Hello you must be Betty come through” the man said in a welcoming voice. “Yes” said Betty. "Welcome to the HQ of The Light Warriors”. “My name is Aegis and I am the leader of this HQ”. They continued walking down the room passing members of the HQ as they go.“First we need to get you registered follow me” said Aegis. Betty followed Aegis through a door. The room was also white but in this room it was filled with seats and there was a big desk at the end of the room which had a sign saying reception. Betty followed Aegis up to the desk. Aegis smile’s at the lady behind the desk and said “We have a new member, Betty Swine, could you please register her. “Of course, Betty please sit over there and fill out this sheet” said the lady. She hands Betty a sheet and points at the chairs across the room. Betty start’s to read the sheet. 1 Name: Betty Swine. 2 Age: Fifteen. 3 Reason for joining The Light Warriors… Betty stop’s and started thinking back. After a while she looked at the question again and started writing. Reason for joining The Light Warriors: Five years ago when the dark knight first became notorious. He attacked my home town, he destroyed every house in his way until he reached my parent’s house. My parents were in the house at the time but I was not I was over at my friend’s house Amy (Who is now a member of The Light Warriors). I want to join The light Warriors to help take revenge on The Dark Knight. “Done” said Betty and walked up to the lady and handed her the sheet. The Lady read the sheet and said “good you are now a member of The Light Warriors”. “Good” said Aegis. “Can I have a word with you in Private Betty”. Aegis walks away from the lady and Betty followed. “Do you know much information on the Dark Knight” said Aegis. “No, only that he destroyed my home town and killed my parents”. ” Hmmm interesting I recall that the Dark Knight destroyed your house then stopped……”. ”Why” said Betty. Aegis hesitated then said “I don’t know”. “Well anyway this is a great place to be if you want revenge on the Dark Knight”. Because The Light Warrior’s was formed to destroy The Dark Knight after all”. A girl walks towards them. “Hey Betty it been a while, what about Five year’s” said the girl. “Hi Amy”. She gives Amy a hug. “Well good you know someone here, Amy can you show Betty around” said Aegis. “Of course”. ” I best be off nice to meet you Betty” said Aegis. Aegis and Betty shake hands and Aegis walks off. ” So how have you been Betty”. “I’m doing well just joined up”. “I see well follow me I’ll show you around”. ERRRRRRRRR They both heard a loud noise and the room started flashing red. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! “What’s going on!” said Betty…….. Chapter 2 coming soon 2 4Everbee and Ventus- reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SoraKH 793 Posted January 16, 2012 Good work coolwings! Keep it up 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 16, 2012 Chapter 2 Headquarters under siege…… “What’s going on” said Betty in a scared voice. ERRRRRRRRRR!. “I don’t know, follow me” said Amy. Betty followed Amy, they went through many rooms, past many scared members until they reached a room that looked like an office. There were many strange objects in that room that even Betty couldn’t make out what they were. There was a huge lane of steps in the middle of the room, Amy walked up. Betty started to follow then heard the voice of Aegis. What are you two doing in my office? We need to get out of here!” Amy rushed down “We were looking for you. What’s happening”? “The Dark Knight and the DARKFORSE are attacking the HQ”. “What”! said Betty “We have to stop them”! “No our forces are too weak, after all you are only Rank D members the lowest Rank there is”. “What you said you were Rank A” said Betty as she turn’s to her friend. “Never mind that now aren’t we supposed to be getting out of here” said Amy. “Yes, you two follow me” said Aegis. BANG!!!!! A giant DARKFORSE burst through the wall. The strange objects went flying around the room, Betty jumped away from a flying object and started walking back. “RUN” Aegis shouted as he summoned his sword. His sword was a yellow basic sword but it had two spikes out the end. The giant DARKFORSE swiped at them but Betty and Amy dodged and Aegis blocked. “Go! Now, go to the docking station, Amy you know where it is”. Amy nodded while Aegis jumped up towards the giant DARKFORSE and tried to slash it. Amy walked out of the office while Betty followed. She looked back and saw Aegis get knocked by the giant DARKFORSE and fall through the crack in the wall. “AEGIS” Betty screamed. “COME ON” said Amy as she grabbed Betty’s hands and started pulling her. “But Aegis……” Betty followed Amy even though she was concerned about Aegis. They run through into the next room and the giant DARKFORSE chases them smashing walls and object’s in its path. They saw that there were a couple of members running away from the giant DARKFORSE as well as they run through to the next room. The members weren’t as fast as them and the DARKFORSE destroyed them. “NO we need to help them” said Betty. “WE CAN’T” shouted Amy. They ran into another room then another room until they lost the DARKFORSE. The room they entered was a huge room and they had to walk down lots of steps. They made it down the step’s to see members fighting and getting destroyed by the DARKFORSE. Amy saw a door at the end of the room and rushed towards it. Betty stopped and looked around at the defenceless members but then continues to follow Amy. “We are nearly there” said Amy. “…………………..”. Betty didn’t say anything after that on their trip to the docking station. When they arrived Betty was shocked, she was seeing members trying to get on to helicopters but being destroyed by DARKFORSE. Some members were fighting the DARKFORSE but none were winning. Amy summons her sword (Pink with spikes coming out the sides) and runs over to a chopper that is trying to fly off but was being attacked by DARKFORSE. “Jump in” Amy said to Betty as she attacks a DARKFORSE. Betty jumped in the chopper while it was in the air, she sees the pilot being attacked by a DARKFORSE and she jumps at it but the DARKFORSE slashes her and betty rolls on to the floor. The DARKFORSE jumps closer and Betty walks over to the entrance of the chopper. The DARKFORSE jumps at her but she dodges and the DARKFORSE falls out of the chopper. She looks back and see’s that they have already left the station. “AMY” shouts Betty “Pilot you have to turn back my friends back there”. “ARE YOU CRAZY WE WILL GET KILLED, ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE BACK THERE BUT WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP”. After a long pause Betty says “My name is Betty, what is yours?” “Eric” the pilot says. “I am a trained Pilot so don’t worry” said Eric. “I thought the HQ was underground” said Betty. “Nope do you know that door with the face on it? Well through that door is a portal to the HQ which is in the sky”. Betty thought to herself, wait that means…… Aegis. “What would happen if you fell out of the side of the HQ”? “Well you would probably fall to your death, why”? Betty hesitated “Well Aegis he fell out of a crack in a wall and fell off the side”. “……. Oh, ………….THIS IS ALL SCREWED UP” He shouted.“ "……. How”? “WHY DID THEY ATTACK US………, Rank D HQ is supposed to be the most hidden of all of The Light Warriors HQ’s”. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It reached night and Betty said “Where are we going”? “I don’t know I have never flown outside of the HQ”. The sky became cloudy and a storm started, Betty looked outside the window and saw lightning strike. “Wow, maybe you should find land” said Betty in a scared voice. Bang! Everything went white and Betty sees a familiar face in the Light “AHHHHHH” Betty screams…. 2 4Everbee and SoraKH reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SoraKH 793 Posted January 16, 2012 Good job! I love it! Just try making paragraphs so the story can be easier to read. Paragraphs are really importat and it helps you to dont mess up the letters. Oh and also try talking with the past tense or with present. Because in one part you wrote with past tense and then in another part with present. Other than that Great story http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 16, 2012 Chapter 2 Headquarters under siege…… “What’s going on” said Betty in a scared voice. ERRRRRRRRRR!. “I don’t know, follow me” said Amy. Betty followed Amy, they went through many rooms, past many scared members until they reached a room that looked like an office. There were many strange objects in that room that even Betty couldn’t make out what they were. There was a huge lane of steps in the middle of the room, Amy walked up. Betty started to follow then heard the voice of Aegis. What are you two doing in my office? We need to get out of here!” Amy rushed down “We were looking for you. What’s happening”? “The Dark Knight and the DARKFORSE are attacking the HQ”. “What”! said Betty “We have to stop them”! “No our forces are too weak, after all you are only Rank D members the lowest Rank there is”. “What you said you were Rank A” said Betty as she turn’s to her friend. “Never mind that now aren’t we supposed to be getting out of here” said Amy. “Yes, you two follow me” said Aegis. BANG!!!!! A giant DARKFORSE burst through the wall. The strange objects went flying around the room, Betty jumped away from a flying object and started walking back. “RUN” Aegis shouted as he summoned his sword. His sword was a yellow basic sword but it had two spikes out the end. The giant DARKFORSE swiped at them but Betty and Amy dodged and Aegis blocked. “Go! Now, go to the docking station, Amy you know where it is”. Amy nodded while Aegis jumped up towards the giant DARKFORSE and tried to slash it. Amy walked out of the office while Betty followed. She looked back and saw Aegis get knocked by the giant DARKFORSE and fall through the crack in the wall. “AEGIS” Betty screamed. “COME ON” said Amy as she grabbed Betty’s hands and started pulling her. “But Aegis……” Betty followed Amy even though she was concerned about Aegis. They run through into the next room and the giant DARKFORSE chases them smashing walls and object’s in its path. They saw that there were a couple of members running away from the giant DARKFORSE as well as they run through to the next room. The members weren’t as fast as them and the DARKFORSE destroyed them. “NO we need to help them” said Betty. “WE CAN’T” shouted Amy. They ran into another room then another room until they lost the DARKFORSE. The room they entered was a huge room and they had to walk down lots of steps. They made it down the step’s to see members fighting and getting destroyed by the DARKFORSE. Amy saw a door at the end of the room and rushed towards it. Betty stopped and looked around at the defenceless members but then continues to follow Amy. “We are nearly there” said Amy. “…………………..”. Betty didn’t say anything after that on their trip to the docking station. When they arrived Betty was shocked, she was seeing members trying to get on to helicopters but being destroyed by DARKFORSE. Some members were fighting the DARKFORSE but none were winning. Amy summons her sword (Pink with spikes coming out the sides) and runs over to a chopper that is trying to fly off but was being attacked by DARKFORSE. “Jump in” Amy said to Betty as she attacks a DARKFORSE. Betty jumped in the chopper while it was in the air, she sees the pilot being attacked by a DARKFORSE and she jumps at it but the DARKFORSE slashes her and betty rolls on to the floor. The DARKFORSE jumps closer and Betty walks over to the entrance of the chopper. The DARKFORSE jumps at her but she dodges and the DARKFORSE falls out of the chopper. She looks back and see’s that they have already left the station. “AMY” shouts Betty “Pilot you have to turn back my friends back there”. “ARE YOU CRAZY WE WILL GET KILLED, ALL OUR FRIENDS ARE BACK THERE BUT WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT, NOW SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP”. After a long pause Betty says “My name is Betty, what is yours?” “Eric” the pilot says. “I am a trained Pilot so don’t worry” said Eric. “I thought the HQ was underground” said Betty. “Nope do you know that door with the face on it? Well through that door is a portal to the HQ which is in the sky”. Betty thought to herself, wait that means…… Aegis. “What would happen if you fell out of the side of the HQ”? “Well you would probably fall to your death, why”? Betty hesitated “Well Aegis he fell out of a crack in a wall and fell off the side”. “……. Oh, ………….THIS IS ALL SCREWED UP” He shouted.“ "……. How”? “WHY DID THEY ATTACK US………, Rank D HQ is supposed to be the most hidden of all of The Light Warriors HQ’s”. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It reached night and Betty said “Where are we going”? “I don’t know I have never flown outside of the HQ”. The sky became cloudy and a storm started, Betty looked outside the window and saw lightning strike. “Wow, maybe you should find land” said Betty in a scared voice. Bang! Everything went white and Betty sees a familiar face in the Light “AHHHHHH” Betty screams…. Edit ^^^^^^^ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LeoneSora 3 Posted January 16, 2012 Nice! ^^ you`re good with stories Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 23, 2012 Sorry for the late next chapter but here it is....................... Chapter 3 The Crash Site Betty awoke with a massive headache. She opened her eyes and looked around, she saw chunks of the chopper lying around her, and she saw parts stuck in the ground and parts on fire. There was a hole in the ground where the chopper had crashed. She tried to get up but she felt faint and rolled back onto the floor. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Betty looked down she was not in her own body. She looked in front of her and saw a familiar footpath leading to a house. She recognised the house as her own and looked behind her, she saw the houses of the village on fire and burnt down. The body started walking towards the door of the house. Betty tried to control the body but had no success. The body reached the door, the hand moved in front of the door and a dark light steamed out of the hand. The door blasted aside, behind the door stood two adults a male and a female. Betty realised them at once, “Mom, Dad Noooo!” Betty screamed as she saw the house burst into flames behind her. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Betty awoke still screaming. She stood up and punched the ground. Betty: Eric! There was no answer so Betty started pacing around. She searched the area until she found a piece of the copper that had a hand lying next to it. She started lifting the piece but she screamed and jumped back. Eric’s body lay under the scrap. Most of his body parts were ripped off his body and he had chunks of his body missing. Betty dropped to the floor and started crying. When she had finished she stood up and walked away from the crash site. She seemed to be in a grassland area, she walked up onto the top of a hill next to the crash site. She waved her farewell to Eric and started walking down the other side of the hill. She walks up and down countless hills, her legs were killing her but she couldn’t stop. Finally she got to the top of a hill and saw a house far in the distance. She started picking up the pace until she started running and then her running turned into sprinting she was sprinting as fast as she could. She made it to the house, it looked peaceful not another house in site. She knocked on the door but there was no answer she kept knocking until she found herself slamming on the door. She heard shouting from inside the house, It wasn’t angry shouting it was scared shouting. “HELP!!!” shouted a voice from inside. Betty stepped back from the door and rammed into the door, breaking the lock. Betty looked around the house it was very dark and empty. She looked up and saw a man stuck in a cage which was stuck to the roof. Man: Hurry! Betty: Wha- Man: No time to explain release me! Betty walks over to the table in the other side of the room and sees a sword with lots of blood stains on it. She picks it up and walks over to the cage, she jumps and slices the cage in half. The man drops to the floor and runs to the end of the house. As Betty was about to put the sword back on the table, the man rushes back in carrying a shining stone. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 4 coming soon 1 4Everbee reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SoraKH 793 Posted January 23, 2012 Good Job! 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
replika13 455 Posted January 23, 2012 great!!! i love this!! 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Think Pink 1,967 Posted January 23, 2012 I think this is a nice story so far, but just a few points you should work on: -Paragraphs You seem to be improving at these, so I won't say much here. Be careful to know when to create a new paragraph and when to keep going. -Spelling and grammar Both of these aspects need some serious work. Your spelling seems fairly decent, but your grammar needs significant work. First of all, it isn't necessary to capitalize words like parents, or the word help, ect. You should look up some grammar tutorials/games for assistance on those aspects. You also don't need to put an apostrophe before the s in words like parents, unless you're saying something belongs to the parents. In the tense it was used in the prologue, the apostrophe was unnecessary. How many books have you read where every other word is IN BOLD LIKE THIS THAT MAKES THINGS DIFFICULT TO READ? If you want to accentuate what a character is saying, you italicize the word(s). Finally, remember what your Language Arts/English teacher taught you and correctly make use of punctuation. Most of your mistakes will be corrected by running your piece through Spell Checker. -Speakers When a person is speaking, you write "inside these." When you say Betty: or something, you're writing in a movie script format, which makes no sense with the way the rest of the story is written. Do not confuse these two ways of speaking, because they are parts of two entirely different styles that cannot be interchanged. -Description There isn't a lot of description in this story. What are the surroundings specifically like? The characters? You can never be too detailed. Set the scene for me, make the reader feel like it's real, so they can get that mental picture! As stated before, I think this is an excellent story so far, with the exception of the former mistakes. Otherwise, I can see this turning out to be an excellent story. (: 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted January 23, 2012 Yet again another part of the story that is epic. 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Naught 44 Posted January 24, 2012 Great story keep it up! Can't wait for chapter 4. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 24, 2012 Chapter 4 is coming out soon I hope it is an Improvement and thanks Think Pink for your tips and thanks to everyone who has read/commented/liked.............Thanks and enjoy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 24, 2012 Chapter 4 The Hunt Begins “We may need that” said the man pointing at the sword, “Hurry over here”. Betty walked over to the man quietly. She was scared and didn’t know what was going on, she was still sad about everything that has happened and hoped that Amy was safe. The man grabbed Betty with his left hand and with his right he held the shining stone above their heads. He said a few words then the stone started to shine more and light was pouring out. A spiral of light circled them it began sparkling and they disappeared. Betty opened her eyes she was in a musty jungle, it was filled with trees and vines everywhere she looked. The ground was wet and muddy; Betty took a step forward and saw the man appear behind her. “Watch your step there are dangerous creatures in this jungle” said the man. “Don’t you think you have a bit of explaining to do?” “Oh yes thanks for rescuing me my name is Tom” said the man. “What were you doing in that cage?” “A masked figure stole my treasure and trapped me in that cage!” “What! Anyway my name is Betty I am a member of The Light Warriors”. The man walked off and told Betty to follow. They hid behind a tree next to lots of bushes. “We can talk here”. “What is a person like you doing in a place like this” Tom asked. “Rank D Head Quarters was under attack by The Dark Knight and the Darkforse. So everyone had to evacuate but not many people made it, and me and a memb-…friend crash landed here but he didn’t survive. I don’t know how I even survived.” When Betty finished there was a long pause all she could think about was Eric, Amy and Aegis. “Would all of this still happened if she didn’t join The Light Warriors” she thought. “Sounds like you have had quite a journey, let me heal you” Tom puts the stone on the ground and stands up, he puts both hands on Betty’s head and says “Cure”. A bright light appeared above Bettys head and Bettys wounds started to heal and her blood started disappearing. “Thanks” Betty said “So where you headed” said Tom “Well I guess I should head over to Rank C Head Quarters I heard it’s in Nrutye.” “Yes the land of earth, but that is way too far away from here. Shouldn’t you head over to Egg town I hear that is where Head Quarters Rank B is at” said Tom “Well I don’t know where we are or how to get anywhere.” “Well you’re in luck then little lady because I am a famous explorer who knows where every town or village is!” “How do I get to Egg town” said Betty “Well I can walk you there, but first while you’re here why don’t you do me a favour “ “What is it?” “We are going to hunt the masked man and get my treasure back” 1 4Everbee reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Naught 44 Posted January 24, 2012 Keeps getting better and better. Keep it up! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 24, 2012 Update: Chapter 1 The Beginning (Out now) Chapter 2 Head Quarters Under siege (Out now) Chapter 3 The Crash Site (Out now) Chapter 4 The Hunt Begins (Out now) Chapter 5 The Masked Figure(Out now) Chapter 6 ........... (Coming soon) When the series is finished I will post all story's at the top of the thread...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
replika13 455 Posted January 24, 2012 GREAT!!! y get better 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hunter Hawk 392 Posted January 24, 2012 Awsome story, my friend! Even thought it has some mistakes, I really enjoyed reading it!!! Try to work a bit on your grammar and maybe a bit on the time you're using. ( for i couple of times i got a little confused, cuz i didn't know when things were happening. But either way, i like it. Keep writing! 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 25, 2012 Chapter Five The Masked Figure “We are going to hunt the Masked Figure and get my treasure back” said Tom “But won’t it be dangerous” Tom stood up he took the stone and put it in his back pocket, then walked over to Betty and took the sword off her. “No match for The Light Warrior’s aye” he swings the sword around then hands it to Betty. “But I am only Rank D” Betty said as she stood up. ‘Well you have me” Tom said and walked off. Betty followed, they started running and Betty started to catch up. They dodged passed trees and the vines brushed their heads as they went. Tom suddenly stopped but Betty tried to slow down but tripped over a root, she fell to the ground dropping the sword. “Shhhhhh” said Tom quietly. Betty tried to reach for the sword but a dark shadow appeared over her. “Darkforse” shouted Betty. “Run” shouted Tom. Betty stood up and reached for the sword, she looked behind and saw Tom running away. The Darkforse jumped at Betty but she was too fast and jumped back. She slashed at it when it wasn’t ready and it fell back and disappeared into darkness. She looked back to see Tom pointing behind her. She turned around but was to late a Giant Darkforse had appeared and slammed Betty to the ground. She let go of the sword and it fell out of reach. The Darkforse was about to smash her into the ground but then she heard a voice from behind her. “Fire!” The Giant Darkforse bursts into flames and vanishes. Betty looks behind her to see Tom running towards her. “Thanks” said Betty. “Hehe, well done” said an evil voice coming from behind them. “You!” Tom shouted. “Give me back my treasure” “Come and get it”. Betty hands Tom the sword and Tom rushes at the man. But Tom was to late the man had vanished. Betty looked up. “Tom up there” Betty said pointing up at the trees. The man disappeared again and appeared behind Tom. He grabbed the sword off Tom and slashed his back. “Agggg” Tom said as he fell. “Fire!” Betty shouted. I fireball shot out of Betty’s hand and it hit the man. The man went flying backwards into a tree dropping the sword as he went. Betty dived at the sword but it suddenly vanished and appeared in the man’s hand. “You will have to do better than that” the man said looking smug. Betty rushed at the man, he slashed but Betty dodged and she kicked the sword out of his hand. She grabbed the sword but the man vanished into the trees. Betty casted Fire at the tree and it blasted into a branch on the tree the man was on. Countless leaves fell down, then the branch snapped and fell down to Betty. Betty dodged the branch but the sword got stuck under it. “Haha”. Enough play and say good night” said the man. Dark flames appeared around the man and he dashed at Betty. A light appeared in front of Betty, she had summoned the sword. Betty had perfect timing, she slashed the sword at the right time and hit the man. He fell to the ground and Betty pointed the sword at his chest. “Hahahaha” the man had an evil high pitched laugh. “Shut up” Betty said as she drove her sword through his chest. Darkness curled around him and he vanished. Betty ran over to Tom, dropping the sword next to him………. 1 4Everbee reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hunter Hawk 392 Posted January 25, 2012 Epic!!! Keep writing, it improves more by each chapter you write! 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Think Pink 1,967 Posted January 25, 2012 Much better. (: Note, when you use the I forgot the word for the thingies that mark when someone is speaking, put the period INSIDE of them. For example, you wrote: “Haha”. Enough play and say good night” said the man. This is incorrect. It SHOULD be "Haha. Enough play and say good night." Said the man. 1 coolwings reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
coolwings 1,546 Posted January 26, 2012 Thank you everyone for the support .......... ___________________________________________ Chapter Six Egg Town Betty ruched up to Tom she dropped the sword on the ground and sat next to him. “Oh no, please be alright” said Betty. “Why does whenever I meet someone something bad happens to them” Betty thought. “Goodbye Betty, I am sorry I couldn’t show you to Egg Town” “No, not this time” Betty thought. “Cure!” Light appeared above his head. The cut in the back of Tom started to heal. Tom stood up. “Thanks” Tom cheerfully said. “What about your treasure” asked Betty? “Well you saved my life, off to Egg Town is it” Betty followed Tom out of the jungle, Egg Town was just past the jungle over a hill. “Wait we were right next to Egg Town” “Oops sorry” said Tom smiling. Egg Town was sounded buy water Tom and Betty had to walk the entrance bridge to get there. “The land of Water” said Betty. “Yes all the HQ of The Light Warriors have a specific element”. Rank D is Wind, Rank C is Earth, Rank B Water and Rank A Fire” said Tom They both walked down the street of Egg Town. Betty looked at a person, they looked like an egg. “What are these people they look like eggs?” “They are egg people, have you never heard of them.” Said Tom “Egg people” thought Betty. “Amy would laugh so hard”. Betty stopped she didn’t want to think about Amy. “So where is the HQ?” said Betty “It is underwater, first we need to go to Egg castle, and there’s a chamber that takes us there” said Tom “So, how do you so much about The Light Warriors?” “I used to be a member of Rank B” said Tom. Tom paused he didn’t want to remember what happened. “What happened?” “It’s the past it doesn’t matter” said Tom Tom stopped “I said I would take you to Egg town and I have now I best be off” “Wait don’t you want to see the HQ agi-“. “No!” Tom said angrily “Goodbye Betty” Betty tried to stop him but it was too late he had run off. Betty continues walking and see’s the castle off in the distance. http-~~-//www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBpIRi5Y4i4 Betty hears a loud noise coming from the direction she was headed. Dark Flames dropped from the sky, falling into the castle.Dark flames fell onto egg town as well, destroying buildings as they fell Then a dark flame hit a building next to Betty and destroyed it, Betty had only just managed to dodge. “What’s going on?” Betty heard Egg people screaming. Darkforse appeared next to Betty, she summoned her sword getting ready to fight. She fought them but the Darkforse kept spawning around her as she destroyed them. “It’s no use” said Betty “Don’t give up” said a voice from behind her. Amy ran up to Betty, slashing the Darkforse as she went. “Amy!” “Come on Betty lets show these things not to mess with The Light Warriors” Betty nodded, she still couldn’t believe she was all right. Betty smiled at her. They both started to fight the Darkforse. They were both slashing and destroying them, these Darkforse were weak and didn't last long in battle When they defeated all the Darkforse, Betty turned to Amy “How did you escape?” “No time to explain we need to save the HQ” replied Amy. They both nodded at each other and proceeded to the castle............. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter seven: The Dark Knight- Is coming soon 2 4Everbee and SoraKH reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Think Pink 1,967 Posted January 26, 2012 START USING PERIODS, YOU CAN'T LEAVE A SENTENCE HANGING. WEJFISDJFKSFJDS. Otherwise, nice chapter. (: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites