kaihigh 0 Posted January 15, 2012 before starting theres some thing I wanna say. This story is 12+ And I give this story to a great friend of mine hope you like it and sorry for the grammer. Chapter one: the wird day -"SO you say that the first day was wierd? That sounds odd." -"Yah you won't belive what hapend Nora its SO unbelievable " -"I belive it, now please tell me Moojan-chan" Well I left Tokyo for studing. I was planning to move in with my aunt and her family but I was 15 years old in a bad age and I didn't want to live with them so I tell them a lie and I said I'm moving to a friends house. But I wasn't I bought a small beach house. The beach house got 3 rooms and a bathroom and a small kitchen. The rooms were small too. The house wasn't expensive at all. After all I had my parents money right? I used the money for the house. I had 4 suitcases so I needed a big room. Wen I oppen the door of the house suddenly I saw a girl which had took the bigest room of the house. I was so mad and rage so I screamed and yall at her “GET YOUR JUNKS OUT OF HERE.” The girl looked at me. She was cute she got long black hair and blue eyes she was the same age that I was in and she had only 2 sout cases. “OH I’m sorry I’ll guess I’ll take my stuff some were else” She said that to me and then smiled. I felt bad for a secend wen she did that “JUST hold on a secend who are you?” I asked “OH my name is Niketa and I am 15 years old I’m from Tokyo too.” “WAIT how you know that I’m from Tokyo?” “Oh didn’t they tell you?” “SO what tell me now” “Me and you are now house mades and I have to pay to you each mount so I could stay here.” “What?? No way.” “What’s wrong?” “I AM NOT LIVING WITH SOME ONE ELSE.” “I’m sorry but we go to same school too if you please let me…” She looked at me like puppies and I couldn’t say no. “FINE but go some were else.” “OK thanks.” “Oh and my name is Moojan” “nice to…” I got out of the room before she end her sentence. I felt so bad but she came out of the room with a smile on her face “GOOD LUCK BUDY” she said and leave the room. After I put my stuff in their place I came out to see what she is up to. She was reading manga. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” “oh reading manga. You like to join?” “Hell no I hate em” “OH maybe we could…” In that moment the bell ringed and Niketa ran so she would oppen the door fast. “H….” Suddenly she fell down. “WHAT THE who are y…” I was shocked wen I saw the person he was….he was…. Roxas End of chapter one *Hope you like it please comment* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Snow 1,800 Posted January 15, 2012 Would you mind if I grammar corrected it easier for people to read? Of course I'll give you credit, but I may change the dialogue a little so it makes more sense. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Miku Hatsune 636 Posted January 15, 2012 Just a tip from one writer to another; try to do a bit of narrating to bridge between dialogue. Because people don't just stand there and speak, do they? They think, feel, and perform body language. So to make your story a little more understandable, I'd recommend a bit of honing toward your narrating abilities. Also try to expand your vocabulary a little; it'll make the piece more colorful. That's just my two-cents. I hope you take it to heart in the future. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
