4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 She mean He rude They both are cruel But it not like they want to be They lost >They fell They had nobody else Her dad died in the war when she was 10. So. She didn't know what to do So it made her go mean and rude and acted like she was some one else His mom died in a car crush this year. You want him to be nice?! You want him to smile?! And be happy!? HOW?! How? They hated 2 kids. Both of them where sad to. Both of them. So when they looked inside and see what wrong. They stoped being mean to them. And they felt sorry for them But did they feel sorry for them.. NO! Did they bully them even more? YES! The school hated them. Nobody gave them a break Nobody try to help them Nobody gave a damn Don't tell me it their fault! Don't tell me they did it to their selfs! They didn't know what to do! They where sad and had nobody! Would you be nice if you lost somebody you loved?! NO!! Would you be sad if you had no mother and/or father?! YES!!! They are so hurt. They are so sad. They don't know what gonna happen next. But they did know this... He picked up a knife. She picked up a gun. He got ready to die. She got ready to shot. They looked up at the sky. And said... "Take me where you are.Take me to my home.I don't want to live no more I wanna see my daddy.I wanna see my mommy. I want to be in their arms." Did they die... Did she shot? Did he stab his heart? .... No.. Think about the girl or boy inside. Think about what happen to them, Think..before you do 1 SoraKH reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Junko 2,815 Posted November 19, 2011 i advise that to many people yet they don't do that nice poem 2 Mirr0rVS13 and 4Everbee reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Space Cowboy 1,392 Posted November 19, 2011 What the firetruck 1 Snow reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cellar Door 652 Posted November 19, 2011 I think you should go back and check your grammar and spelling mishaps, but other than that it's not too bad. The flow is kinda wonky at some parts, and i think the ending line should be think before you act. just remember to reread everything you write. 2 Ligh in the Darkness and Snow reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 I think you should go back and check your grammar and spelling mishaps, but other than that it's not too bad. The flow is kinda wonky at some parts, and i think the ending line should be think before you act. just remember to reread everything you write. I did and everything seems fine, What the firetruck Think before you do.It not that hard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cellar Door 652 Posted November 19, 2011 Either you're lying to me or you need to learn how to properly reread your writing and check for mistakes. I would make a thorough correction but it's late and I don't want to. If you actually care enough for this to be corrected I will though. One common mistake is you add 'h' to your 'were's. You have random long sentences in between shorter ones; this prohibits flow of the poem and makes it choppy. You add puncuation to the end of some of your sentences and not others. You frequently misspell things. Near the very beginning you have a random ">". If you want to improve your writing I suggest taking more time when correcting your writing, or getting someone to beta your writing to help you find mistakes. edit: also, again, it is in fact 'think before you act', not 'think before you do'. 1 Koko reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 Either you're lying to me or you need to learn how to properly reread your writing and check for mistakes. I would make a thorough correction but it's late and I don't want to. If you actually care enough for this to be corrected I will though. One common mistake is you add 'h' to your 'were's. You have random long sentences in between shorter ones; this prohibits flow of the poem and makes it choppy. You add puncuation to the end of some of your sentences and not others. You frequently misspell things. Near the very beginning you have a random ">". If you want to improve your writing I suggest taking more time when correcting your writing, or getting someone to beta your writing to help you find mistakes. edit: also, again, it is in fact 'think before you act', not 'think before you do'. It think before you doAnd I worked hard on this.And I really don't need you or anybody else telling me what I did wrong. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Miku Hatsune 636 Posted November 19, 2011 She's mean He's rude They both are cruel But it's not like they want to be They lost They fell They had nobody else Her dad died in the war when she was 10. So, She didn't know what to do So it made her be mean and rude and she acted like she was someone else His mom died in a car crash this year. You want him to be nice? You want him to smile? And be happy? HOW? How? They hated 2 kids. Both of them were sad too. Both of them. So when they looked inside to see what wrong. They stopped being mean to them. And they felt sorry for them But did they feel sorry for them? NO! Did they bully them even more? YES! The school hated them. Nobody gave them a break Nobody tried to help them Nobody gave a damn Don't tell me it's their fault! Don't tell me they did it to themselves! They didn't know what to do! They where sad and had nobody! Would you be nice if you lost somebody you loved? NO!! Would you be sad if you had no mother and/or father? YES! They are so hurt. They are so sad. They don't know what's gonna happen next. But they did know this... He picked up a knife. She picked up a gun. He got ready to die. She got ready to shoot. They looked up at the sky. And said... "Take me where you are.Take me to my home. I don't want to live anymore. I wanna see my daddy. I wanna see my mommy. I want to be in their arms." Did they die... Did she shoot? Did he stab his heart? .... No.. Think about the girl or boy inside. Think about what happened to them, Think before you act. I think it's fixed for the most part. It's kinda late though, so I might've missed a few. 1 Cellar Door reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 I think it's fixed for the most part. It's kinda late though, so I might've missed a few. I don't think I asked for you're help. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Miku Hatsune 636 Posted November 19, 2011 I don't think I asked for you're help. your* Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 your* Bitch Stop that Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Miku Hatsune 636 Posted November 19, 2011 Bitch Stop that Unnecessary indent. Also, you forgot a period at the end. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 Unnecessary indent. Also, you forgot a period at the end. I don't care >..> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Miku Hatsune 636 Posted November 19, 2011 I don't care >..> Lulz have been had in this thread. It's been a rough day of correcting grammar and playing Amnesia, so I'm gonna go to bed, brah. 1 Space Cowboy reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mirr0rVS13 169 Posted November 19, 2011 This poem was awesome! I can't believe the comments above^^^ :angry: ,they CLEARLY didn't think before they do. http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/sleep.png Great work can't be understood sometimes. . .by some . . . . . . oh well their loss ^__^ khgirl4ever. 1 4Everbee reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ligh in the Darkness 29 Posted November 19, 2011 It think before you do And I worked hard on this.And I really don't need you or anybody else telling me what I did wrong. Dude. If you post things with bad grammer and spelling, no matter the message, people are going to tell you about it. The lack of flow and errors disrupts the focus of your poem and takes away the impact of the message. Deal with the critisim better. And calm down about people correcting you. They are just trying to help. 3 Koko, Space Cowboy and Miku Hatsune reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cellar Door 652 Posted November 19, 2011 Read the rules of this forum. If you post a thread here, it is open for critique. It is not us attacking you. We are trying to help. If you don't care about improving your writing skills and want to always post with poems/stories/etc. that are full of mistakes that make people not take your writing seriously, go ahead. Because honestly, with the point your writing level is at right now, it is hard to take your writing very seriously. We are trying to help, and you are getting defensive for no reason. 3 Space Cowboy, Ligh in the Darkness and Koko reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
4Everbee 1,365 Posted November 19, 2011 Dude. If you post things with bad grammer and spelling, no matter the message, people are going to tell you about it. The lack of flow and errors disrupts the focus of your poem and takes away the impact of the message. Deal with the critisim better. And calm down about people correcting you. They are just trying to help. I know their trying to help.But if you're just going to go off and talking about the spelling and/or grammer and not saying anything good about the poem.I think i have a right to be mad Read the rules of this forum. If you post a thread here, it is open for critique. It is not us attacking you. We are trying to help. If you don't care about improving your writing skills and want to always post with poems/stories/etc. that are full of mistakes that make people not take your writing seriously, go ahead. Because honestly, with the point your writing level is at right now, it is hard to take your writing very seriously. We are trying to help, and you are getting defensive for no reason. Your not saying anything GOOD about the poem.Your just looking at the mistakes. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cellar Door 652 Posted November 19, 2011 Yes, exactly. So that you correct them, and the poem get's better. Then good things can be pointed out because there will be more good things there. That is critique. It is to help you improve so that people can compliment it. 1 Space Cowboy reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Koko 3,944 Posted November 19, 2011 If you didn't want any critique you shouldn't have posted it and you should have just showed it to people that would've simply praised it and you could of stayed at that inadequate level of writing. But you posted it here, and just as you are free to post your poem, we are free to NICELY critique your poem and offer advice on how to make it BETTER. Since that's what this forum is for. Writing requires being able to accept criticism. So stop getting upset when we're offering help. Anyways, fix your grammar and the flow of your poem. It's very choppy and would be nice if the wording and structure wasn't so awkward. 3 Ligh in the Darkness, Cellar Door and Space Cowboy reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
