Text Lu Xun's stories : What power can do with people

[Lu Xun 2,069]

Hello guys. I'm starting a new story. It has some points based on a game, like the names of some characters that I've decided to keep. The game's named Suikoden V, so if you've played it, you'll know a lot (: Hope you enjoy this first part, which is only a introduction to explain the scenario of the story!

--------------------------------

 

 

Introduction

 

In a Kingdom, which for stranger could be considered a country, very far away, named “Grinela”, there was a royal family. A woman named Felicita was the Queen, a man named Vinty was the King, and they had a daughter and a son. The son was a boy named Elornad, and he had sixteen years, and the girl’s name was Mag, and she was only eleven years old.

 

This Kingdom had something special. From Queen to Queen, it was passed a magical item, which was capable of doing almost anything. However -- legend says that the more you use it, the more it will take control over you. But this was the only remaining symbol of Grinela. Many wanted to get their hands on it, but Queen Felicita would never allow any of them to get it.

 

Everyone in the Kingdom knew how strong that item was. Three years ago -- a rebellion started, and Queen Felicita used the item’s magical powers to put an end to it. By just moving her hands, countless waves of water attacked the people who dared start that rebellion. The city which was hit by the waves was still a terrible place to live in now.

 

After sending waves to it and seeing that her enemies had been killed, or seriously injured -- Queen Felicita -- she took out the water from that city. Nowadays, the animals don’t exist there anymore, and the beautiful forest that once could be seen -- now it has simply disappeared. Since these three years, the Queen has not allowed the people from that city to begin to rebuilt.

 

According to her point of view, which was already partly being controlled by the magical item -- they need to suffer more and more. Starting a rebellion, and worse, stealing the other symbol of Grinela was just the worst crime someone could commit. As long as she would rule, that city would not have any prosperous day. She also took out the mayor from that city -- and ordered the execution of him and his entire family, which was made of a woman, his wife, and three children, his sons.

 

Now, the prince, his aunt, and their respective bodyguards were out, in an expedition to that city. They were now about to see what Queen Felicita was able to do. While they were going, the Queen stood in the palace, thinking many terrible things -- because of the magical item. She put it on her hand, so no one can take it from the palace. But, could some kind of dangerous plot being planned by the members of the Senate, which are after all, just some people who desire power of everything -- having that magical item and the country to rule, then it would turn their lives into perfect ones.

 

Many suggested the Queen that she should close the Senate, but as she was smart, she knew she could not do that. The Senate was composed of people with power -- not with enough to match hers, but with some power. If she closed the Senate, then surely they would make a team, and who knows? They could attack the palace and, then she would have to use the power of the magical item to crush them -- and, as said before, the more you use it, the more it will control you.

 

In the palace lived the Queen, the King, their son and daughter, the people who worked for the Queen, and the R-Knights. The R(Royal)-Knights were responsible for keeping the royal family safe... But what if some members of the Senate had gained some of the knights’ trust by giving them a lot of money? What if they were secretly planning some kind of surprise attack to the Queen?

 

The King was a very honest and careful man. He was the leader of the R-Knights, and unlike many other Kings -- in the past, when the people from Grinela had to fight the enemies, which came from a country named Hintro, he stood on the front lines, and worked as a normal soldier. He killed many enemies, and because of that -- many saw him as a true warrior, but most members of the Senate saw him as a barbarian who cannot do anything, except for killing others. The Kings do not have any powers in this Kingdom, it’s all up to the Queens.

 

In the Senate, there were two main factions. One led by Godwin, a man who did not have any limits. The only thing people know about him, is that his wife died some years ago -- murdered by a group of assailants named “Gate to Hell”. He’s a very rich man, but he is very interested in the magical item and in taking control over the Kingdom. The other faction is led by Barrows, who is not very smart, but he’s also very rich and do not have limits, just like Godwin. Each one of them have one son; Godwin’s son is named Gizel, and Barrow’s is named Edwin.

 

Now, Elornad, hist aunt, Sialeeds, and their bodyguards, Lyon and Georg were returning from the trip, and were about to reach the royal city, where the palace and the Senate are located. What did they see in their trip? Did they change their thoughts about how kind and good the Queen truly is?

[Luna☆ 108]

I loved it I always love your stories Lu Xun you're really good at writing stories and this story is going to be epic can't wait for more and the first chapter was amazing!

[Hazimie 1,595]

awesome story,man......keep it up,kay?

[TheApprenticeofKingMickey 3,689]

I think what is most prominent in your story is your lack of description.

 

  Quote

In a Kingdom, which for stranger could be considered a country, very far away, named “Grinela”, there was a royal family. A woman named Felicita was the Queen, a man named Vinty was the King, and they had a daughter and a son. The son was a boy named Elornad, and he had sixteen years, and the girl’s name was Mag, and she was only eleven years old.

Describe your characters a little. The colour or length of their hair or perhaps the shape or colour of their eyes. Little quirks they have like, for example when the Queen gets nervous does she do some particular gesture? What physical and behavioural traits did the King and Queen share with their children?

 

  Quote

Everyone in the Kingdom knew how strong that item was. Three years ago -- a rebellion started, and Queen Felicita used the item’s magical powers to put an end to it. By just moving her hands, countless waves of water attacked the people who dared start that rebellion. The city which was hit by the waves was still a terrible place to live in now.

Add a little adjectives. What colour were the waves? (Obviously they were blue, but you get it.) Were they monstrous? Did they tower over people?

 

  Quote

...which came from a country named Hintro,

Information like this should introduced at the beginning of the chapter/prologue/epilogue. And speaking of that, when you do describe Grinela, describe the setting. Was it mountainous? I get the impression it is near the ocean. What about Hintro? Did Hintro have mountains or was a country filled with fields and wild animals?

 

What is good about your writing (and the introduction) is the clarity. The reader can clearly understand what's going on by reading a sentence just once, something that impresses me because I know English is not your maternal language, Lu Xun. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation seem fine as well. Otherwise, I can find no faults in this story. Keep it up! http://kh13.com/forum/public/style_emoticons/default/happy.png

[Lu Xun 2,069]

My goal for describing just a bit, is to get the rest of the description as the story goes. Telling everything now would not make let me do any surprises

 

Otherwise, thanks guys Second chapter might come today!

[Key2Oblivion 37]

Only criticism is what TheAprrentice said, but if you did that on purpose never mind. Anyway, nice story so far:)

[Damion Strife 130]

Excellent! I see no problems in the story, I am anticipating the second chapter! Suprises are what stories are all about man! Great job on building up suspense, it really tied me in as a reader, and as a college student I must say I am impressed with your writing!

[fakt13 2]

This is pretty good...

[GiosukeKun 0]

You're an awesome writer, very nice story!

[Static15 90]

I enjoyed it...and there arent too many stories that i have enjoyed...

[Marley_Aqua_33 265]

YOUR NERD! This is really good! Wanna write a essay for my Portuguese class?

Keep it up! ;D

[Not-with-a-whimper 144]

Very well done! Although I agree that it would be nice to get a physical description of the characters and the setting, I really liked the story so far and I think you've done a good job with balancing out the nearly limitless power of the artifact. I can tell that there are a lot of different little things going on and I can't wait to see how it all works together to move the story forward! Great job!

[Hunter Hawk 392]

Awsome story man!!!

 

I love ancient stories about kings and queens!!!

 

Keep up, your awsome work.

[Sora's Baby 729]

I luve your work.

[rikunobodyxiii 700]

Ah, interesting setting. Good potential for a story.

[Lu Xun 2,069]

Chapter 1 - No regrets

 

It was a beautiful and calm morning. In the royal ship, there were Sialeeds, Georg, Lyon and Elornad. They could not believe in what they had seen in that city, which name is LordLake. Now, moments before departing in the city, they decided to talk a little.

 

“Finally home... But I’m not so sure how to feel about this... not after all we’ve been through..” Sialeeds said.

“Prince, are you feeling well?” Lyon asked.

“Yes... I am..” he replied.

“Body guarding is different from baby sitting, you know that, right Lyon?” Georg asked.

“I do not care if I’m baby sitting anyone as long as the Prince is safe.” she replied.

“Now, it’s the first time I’m in the capital, so Sialeeds, aren’t you important here?” Georg asked.

“I’m not so much important... Since my sis is the Queen, and her daughter will be the next one... The males aren’t very important... and neither I am, it seems...” she replied.

“Okay... Now, you three need to treat my sister well... But we cannot afford to make my sister mad... I don’t know what she can do...” Sialeeds said.

 

Then, when they entered in the royal palace, it was the King who first arrived to give them a good welcome. He hugged his soon in a way that Sialeeds have to ask for him to stop, unless he did not want to accidentally kill his son.

 

Another R-Knight appeared to inform that the Queen wanted to see them not -- and it was better not to make her wait.

 

“But... your majesty... we need to tell you that--” Lyon tried to say something.

“Now is not the moment, seeing your mother is the main priority. We can talk about things like this later...” the King replied.

“Then let’s get going...” Sialeeds said.

 

Now, it was finally time to see her majesty, Felicita. But how would she treat her family, now that the magical item had begun to control her mind, and make decisions for her.

 

“Oh, my beloved son. Come closer now, I want to hug you.” she said.

“Mother...” he replied.

“Thank you all. You’ve done very well... Lyon, you did well protecting the prince.” she said.

“Thanks, your majesty!” Lyon replied.

“So, sister... We need to talk about some things now...” Sialeeds said.

“Yes, begin to talk. How was the trip to LordLake?” she asked.

 

As soon as her voice reached their heads, they began to remember exactly everything that had happened.

 

First, when they went there, an old man said that he would be happy to guide them around the town, but also that the town needs no guide, because it’s just sand and sand. Then, they looked to Rovere’s house, which was the mayor that got executed in the past.

 

Sialeeds looked at what used to be a beautiful river, which had plenty of drinkable water, and later to a forest, that was once a place where many animals had a good life. But all of that was gone. And, with Felicita with power, no one knew when, and if the city could have a chance of rebuilding.

 

Then, the royal group noticed that the old man and a younger one were talking about a kid that went to what used to be a forest. But he did not come back, and they were afraid that maybe some thing could have happened to him. So, the royal group decided to go there to check it out -- it was a way they found to at least do something good for that city.

 

After exploring most of the old forest, they found a place where there was a small amount of water -- so they thought that the boy should be near. When they looked again, the boy was being attacked by two giant wolves. They managed to kill the wolves, but, for the surprise, the boy began to badmouth them.

 

“Am I dead?” he asked.

“No, we saved you!” Lyon replied.

“And you expect me to thank you? These wolves... they were hungry! Because of your beloved Queen, they don’t have anything to eat or drink -- think of how many people were killed by them and other wolves! And it is all the Queen’s fault! If it were not for her... Then we could have a good and normal life! We don’t have any water! People get sick every second, and it’s all thanks to you!” the boy said, and run after doing it.

 

“So... hahahaha.... These stupid people still are there, living their pathetic existence... I’m afraid I can only say that it serves them right.” the Queen said.

“Your majesty..” Lyon said.

The prince stood quiet, although he wanted to say something to his mother.

“My sister, have you gone mad?” Sialeeds asked.

“I’ve hardly gone mad... These people were once our most loyal subjects, but then... three years ago... They attacked the East Palace and stole one of the three symbols of our Kingdom -- the Dawn Rune!” as she said this, the magical item (which name was Sun Rune) began to shine in her hands. It could not mean anything good.

“But mother...” the prince decided to say something.

“Such treachery! Such savage behavior... How could I possibly forgive them? And so I brought down my judgment upon this, using this power! So you see, no matter how much they continue to suffer... They simply got exactly what they deserve!” she said.

“With all respect your majesty, you have every right to be angry... But people in LordLake are just dying... They have been punished for a long time already, don’t you think?” Lyon said.

“Yes, mother! You didn’t have to go that far!” the Prince said.

“SILENCE! YOU DARE TELL ME I’M WRONG? I do not make mistakes... The Sun Rune always leads to the divine protection, and to the justice! My will is the will of heavens! To defy me is to defy the sun!” as she said, the Sun Rune began to shine more and more.

“Your Majesty” the King’s voice made the Sun Rune stop shining. “Everybody is tired... We should let them rest for now...” he said.

“Yes, you’re right... You all can rest for now...”

[rikunobodyxiii 700]

The idea with the queen is cool. I'm looking forward to seeing how the story progresses.

[Not-with-a-whimper 144]

Wow, nice character development. I appreciate the first hand accounts of what is going on with the people she cursed. The queen is, well, creepy. I can't tell how much of what she's saying is the crystal and how much is her. I guess that's the point though. Good job, keep it up!

[Sora's Baby 729]

Um...yeah I like the heartless now..so yeah.

[Luna☆ 108]

Cool, can't wait for more!

[Kirie 3,489]

intresting story

[XIIISwords 1,059]

Wow, great story so far. The Queen reminds me of Smeagol, but powerful.

 

How many chapters are you planning?

[Rizzyy 736]

YAY! u tryed my idea

[Hazimie 1,595]

awesome,man......make it this story extra-vaganza!

[dusk 910]

Good writing, keep it up!