Text The Storm Breaks: The Other Side (Inheritance Cycle)

[DragonMaster 1,166]

So this is a short story that I wrote for my Honors English I class, and I thought maybe some members here might like to read it. Please be warned though, it contains spoilers from the end of the book Eldest, which is the second book in the Inheritance Cycle.

*Note: the main character I used of this story is completely my own creation. Also, when magic is used, please assume it is spoken in the ancient language. Not only do I have little knowledge of Paolini's made up language, and I also want the reader to understand what is being said.

So yep, if you are interested, please continue:

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Eldest

The Storm Breaks: The Other Side

Byrn awoke at the first rays of dawn; the moans of the poisoned soldiers had finally died down. So today may finally be it he thought to himself. He brought himself off the cot that served as his bed and began to prepare, putting on his clothes and the small amount of armor as was customary for magicians. Then he put all the wards around his mind that he could risk, making sure to block it as well as possible from whatever attack the Varden’s magicians may try. Those fools, they not only are idiotic enough to go against King Galbotorix, but also to poison our soldiers. They have no idea what wrath they have unleashed upon themselves. Byrn grimaced, his thoughts going to how he had felt just the day before. How could I even dare to think that the Varden might be the right side?

The day before, Byrn had been going around the camp, surveying the soldiers and searching for any possible threats or dangers. The conditions of parts of the camp were all around adequate, though they certainly hadn’t gone to any extent to make it comfortable. The thoughts of some of the soldiers had surprised him; many had reservation about invading Surda, especially now that the country’s army had come to meet them along with the Varden. A few of them, he suspected, might have also been considering running away, though when they saw him coming their minds suspiciously change subject to their socks. But for some reason, the thoughts had an effect on Byrn, an effect that he couldn’t quite understand. Later that day he had been sitting around his tent, and had felt a serious urge to leave, perhaps even try to join the Varden. But no, they showed how honorable and just they were when they poisoned our men, killing some who were as innocent as a soldier could be. King Galbatorix is right to want them eradicated.

Just then, the alarm was sounded, Byrn turned to face the Varden’s camp, and coming out of the dense fog that had settled on the Burning Plains was their army. At their lead were the dragon rider and his great blue dragon. So it begins thought Byrn as he made sure all his wards were still intact. He began to open his conscious, and gradually he was able to sense dozens, then hundreds, then thousands of the Empire’s soldier’s minds, along with his fellow mages. Then the Empire’s army began to advance, and very quickly the two armies clashed. As Byrn was joined by the soldiers chosen to guard him, he dispatched five of Surda’s soldiers with one spell.

“Freeze!” he said in the ancient language, and watched as a soldier froze from the inside. As more foes advanced on him, he was constantly shouting spells. He smote three men with one simple uttering of the word “Fire”. As the minutes wore on, he could already feel his energy had been drained considerably for being so early into the battle. I need to be more conservative, or my own spell will be the end of me. At that instant, one of his guards was killed by an arrow through the neck, while the other was gored by a young swordsman. Byrn, thinking quickly, grabbed the sword from the corpse of one of his guards and killed the young man. I can’t linger here; it will be the death of me. He trudged forth, slaying men with both sword and spell, feeling more exhausted by the second. Blast it! This is why I needed those guards, to protect me when I needed to regain energy! Quite a few times he heard the roar of the Rider’s dragon; it was a terrible, ear numbing roar. It must be very enraged, Byrn thought, shuddering from the idea of facing an angry dragon.

Suddenly, he felt the presence of another mind, and out of the corner of his eye he saw what he assumed to be one of the Varden’s magicians, and a quick scan with his mind confirmed his suspicion. Trying to be as stealthy as possible, he attempted to get behind his new foe. However, the man was too intelligent to fall for such an obvious trick, and he sent a small blast of fire at Byrn.

“Shield me!” Byrn shouted, stopping the fire mere inches from his body. “Restrict,” he said, paralyzing the man. Byrn walked up to him, and just as he was about to finish it with a blow from his sword, the man broke free and uttered a spell of his own.

“Drain his energy!” the man shouted, and instantly Byrn could feel his stamina start to go down. I have to end this quickly, he thought. Mustering up all the energy he could sacrifice he uttered a spell.

“Release me!” Byrn screamed the words so loud that they made his throat feel sore and raw. Then he felt the drain on his energy lessen, he turned his eyes to the Varden’s mage. The man was momentarily in shock, and Byrn took what might be his only chance. Stepping forward he thrust his sword into the mage’s abdomen and watched as he crumpled to the ground. A look of terror was etched into the man’s face and he fell with a blood curdling scream.

Now he could hear the cries of Surda’s army, dwarves had apparently arrived to help. We need to finish this soon or they may just turn this around. He continued blasting and slashing at his enemies, letting none escape his grasp. His ferocity came at a price, though; his body now literally ached from exhaustion. Not once did he fight another magician, however he sensed the Dragon Rider fly over head twice, once towards the Jiet River, and once back. It was just a short while after the Rider returned from the river when he heard a bellowing, vicious roar from behind him. A red dragon burst from their camp, flying into the sky. On it was a rider, who shot a blast of magic onto the battle field a few hundred yards to his right. Byrn snapped out of his entrancement just in time to block an arrow from embedding itself in his chest.

Above him, Byrn heard the two dragons clash, but he continued on, every spell and slash of his blade causing him to tire even more. Slash to his right, a spell aimed at an archer thirty feet away, a swift dodge of an axe swung at his left side. So the battle continued on the ground as the deafening roars of the dragons overhead signified the battle taking place above. Eventually, Byrn had curl up behind a rock to regain his energy. He turned his attention to the dragons now. He watched as the rider of the blue dragon leapt from his saddle and plummeted towards the red dragon. Byrn just barely saw the light glance off the blade of the falling rider as he slashed at his opponent’s dragon. Then he continued falling, and for a second it looked as if he might fall to his death, but finally his dragon came to catch him. Both dragons descended onto a plateau, now almost completely hidden from view where he was crouching. Not able to stay there much longer, Byrn got up and resumed his attack. I am weakening; there is no way I can continue like this. Despite his ever growing fatigue, he continued on.

A Varden swordsman rushed Byrn from behind, crushing his shoulder plate and opening a gash on his left arm. Surprised and weakened, he was struck twice more before he could parry one of the swordsman’s blows. It took all of his might to utter the words “Break his sword”; and as he watched the swordsman’s blade shatter, Byrn fell to his knees letting out an exasperated sigh. It was a few seconds after this that the red dragon departed from the plateau and just a while later when the Empire’s retreat signal was sounded. Through pure will and determination, Byrn half stumbled, half crawled towards the camp.

However, his effort was in vain. A lone archer stood not ten feet behind him; though Byrn no longer had his mind extended out and could not sense the archer. Silently, the archer strung one of his three remaining arrows, pulled back, took aim, and released. Noiselessly, the arrow found its mark, burying itself deep in Byrn’s back. Byrn felt a searing pain as the arrow entered, and he could feel it as it pierced his heart. No… I was… so close… He stood there for a few seconds, and tried to say “Heal me”. However, the attempted spell drained the last of his strength, and Byrn stumbled forward and fell dead upon the ground.

[FrolicFlameXBondofFlame 3]

If I may make some criticism without any intention of offending you, I merely hope that you take this constructively.

 

This main character Byrn while being a good idea for a character has flaws primarily his knowledge of all things magic,

 

i. The Empires magicians were no better really other than a bit larger knowledge of the Ancient Language wouldn't know words like obliterate and die.

ii. They wouldn't either have the strength to use anyone of them once without coming close to dying let alone casting numerous spells.

iii. Magicians were protected by a couple of guards and wouldn't have to directly enter the fray.

iv. The spell ''Turn his mind to ash!'' is not the right thing to say as the mind a non physical thing would not be able to be turned to ash while also a spell that he wouldn't be able to cast as it would be quite a taxing spell to cast.

v. Lesser magicians such as Byrn wouldn't know of storing energy or how to take it as it was the very thing Galbatorix uses to amass power from the Eldunari. Neither would this Varden Magician know of it either, as in the Eldest the magicians knowledge of magic is frail and they were used for primarily healing not chucking fireballs with a jewel of energy hanging around him which is far above his knowledge of magic.

 

Again I hope you don't take this criticism the wrong way i just hope you use it in case of any other Inheritance Cycle story's you have or will write to keep in mind of the technicalitys as simple mistakes could give an impression that characters like Byrn are extremely overpowered to the level of a Dragon Rider knowledge and capabilities.

 

Other than what i have outlined I thoroughly enjoyed your script and has even brought my mind back to the thoughts of Inheritance coming out in a month which I hope you will find as entertaining as I hope it will be. I wouldn't mind reading any other of these so if you enjoy it, keep working on it as they would be good I assume they would be.

[DragonMaster 1,166]

No problem, criticism is always welcomed! And thank-you for your help.

 

EDIT:

It will probably take me a while to fix it and edit the post, though, so I wouldn't be looking for fixes and stuff for a few hours at least.

 

EDIT2:

Okay, I went in and gave him guards, though he still enters directly into the battle when they are slain. I also changed all the spells into what I think should be less complicated, and just overall tried to make Byrn seem less over powered. However, he still might seem to have a little too much stamina, but meh, I would have to rewrite it and make it shorter if he ran out quickly. Removed the necklace from the story entirely. A few sentences I almost entirely rewrote.

[FrolicFlameXBondofFlame 3]

Couldnt have written it better myself.

[DragonMaster 1,166]

Thank-you!

[JesusFreak 41]

This was very interesting to read. The main character Byrn does have a little too much stamina but other than that it was enjoyable. You should write more. I am so excited for the final Inheritance book to come out next month!

[Demyx Xymed 28]

WAIS HEIL!

 

only criticism i have is try to use the ancient language when possible.

[DragonMaster 1,166]

@JesusFreak

Thanks! And I would write more if I wasn't so lazy and school didn't give so much dang homework.I can't wait for Inheritance either, but I need to read Brisingr first!

 

@Demyx Xymed

Well, I would have used the ancient language, but I didn't know the words for all of the spells I made up used and didn't want it to look sloppy. Also, I wanted my teacher to be able to understand what was happening, since I am not sure if she has read the series.

[Demyx Xymed 28]

@JesusFreak

Thanks! And I would write more if I wasn't so lazy and school didn't give so much dang homework.I can't wait for Inheritance either, but I need to read Brisingr first!

 

@Demyx Xymed

Well, I would have used the ancient language, but I didn't know the words for all of the spells I made up used and didn't want it to look sloppy. Also, I wanted my teacher to be able to understand what was happening, since I am not sure if she has read the series.

 

good point, that's why i said it was my ONLY complaint. and i believe the ancient language is just a modified version of a nordic language. i think so at least, i'll look it up.

[DragonMaster 1,166]

Okay, thanks for your help guys! I just updated the first post with the final draft of the story, and will be turning it in tomorrow!

 

EDIT: Got a 100% on it. Thanks for all your help guys!

[ChildOfTerra_FriendOfRiku 135]

Cool to read this!

You read Inheritance yet?