Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 22, 2011 Chapter 1- The destiny's powers. -Father, what am I going to do when I grow up? People keep saying that I must leave my parents' house and begin to work. - Asked the worried 12 years old. -Are you worried about that? Keep living until that day! I'll be here to help you no matter how old you are, I promise! Go sleep now, dear. - The father replied. However, unfortunately, the father couldn't change his fate and, in the next day, he died in an assault. He didn't make any responses to the bandits, but even then, they decided to kill the poor man. Sad and seeking revenge, the girl decided to close her heart to any and everyone that she met in the future. Strangely, a voice came in her head saying that it would help her if she did some favors in return. After one month, the voice didn't call her anymore. Twenty years later, Evas was not a girl anymore. She had a son who was 10 years old and was called Joshy. She was working when a voice called her- it wasn't the same voice she heard in the past- and so she ran to her home as soon as possible. The voice's words were horrible, it only spoke about �Pain and suffering�. Strangely, assaults and explosions began to happen in her city, Blenda Pug. In one of her dreams, she heard the voice again who said that she was going to have a difficult task ahead, but she would also find friends in the way. When she awoke, she noticed that something like a wand was on her hands. She also found a letter and began to read it. �Here you are, Evas. I need you to do me a favor, you need to go to the Black Forest and from there, you'll find a magical gate which will lead you to another world. Use that wand, it'll surely help you. If you want to take your son, then do so, but beware; dangers you'll face but don't fear, you'll gain strength by aiding those who need. Remember to keep your eyes checked, they'll try to hurt you when they notice that I wrote this to you. I can't write anymore, otherwise they'll catch me. I'm sorry, we'll meet someday. Seray. -What was that? Who are �they�? If this is true, then all of the bad things that are happening here, �they� must be already working. - Evas quickly began to gather her things, and also instructed her son to gather his as well. -Now my son, I need to warn my boss that I'll be away for a while. You just stay here! Don't go anywhere! -Right, mom! I'll stay on the internet talking with my friends! Close every exit of the house, please. This seems to be a serious thing... I'm afraid of the future.... -Don't be! I'll always protect you! I'll be back soon and then, we'll leave the city. -Why? -I can't tell you, but if I'm right, then we'll be safe if we do that! If you hear someone screaming from the outside, don't open the door. -After saying this, Evas exited her house and began to go to her work. Chapter 2- A new mystery -Mr. Snider, I'm sorry but I'll be away for a while. My aunt- Kendra- is sick, and I need to go to her house in the other state, Plyston. You know, after my father's death, she was the one who took care of me. -Evas, I understand your situation, but I'm afraid I can't let you do it. Unless of course, you're able to get something that could prove that your aunt is really sick. -I'll come back with it soon. - Evas said that with a false smile, now more worried than never. Much to Evas' surprise, her wand made a false paper which said that her aunt was really sick and she needed to go to see her. -Here it is!- She was so happy that she returned running to report it to her boss. -Hm... okay, I guess I was thinking that you were lying but now, I know that you're talking the truth. Go see your aunt, and sorry, I'll never distrust you again. -Thank you, Mr. Snider!- After saying this, she began to run to her home's direction. Meanwhile, Joshy was watching TV when he saw a shadow on the ground. It was a man who did not reveal his name. Another one appeared but this one had scars on his face and was with a false smile. This one revealed his name, Perlu. -Oh, my dear boy. Come with your big friend. I promise that I'll be a good babysitter! I can help you. Want to know how? I can teach you how to use magic. Magic, that's really good, isn't? To think that your mom already used it for a while and never let you hold her want for one second... What a pity... You can be a great wizard!- Perlu said these words to trick Joshy and make him stay mad with Evas. -Oh, my time is finished. Be a good boy and maybe I'll teach you something. -After saying this, Perlu disappeared within a green magic portal. The other shadow didn't say a word until Evas arrived. He was a little strange, at least at Joshy's eyes. -My son! Who IS that man? Get out! Get out! - While trying to make the shadow disappear, she heard a voice saying �Use your wand�. -Estuphory!- This word suddenly appeared in Evas' mind who didn't hesitate in saying it. Almost instantly, the shadow vanished, and both Evas and Joshi heard Perlu's voice: -Horay, Evas! You're quite good at magic. Ever heard of Seray? That idiot was taken as prisoner here... Gosh, maybe you need to help the old man? I believe you know the way, don't you? Okay... 10 seconds to Explosion! -What? -9,8,7,6,5,4 -Run Joshy, run! -3,2,1. Here goes, baby! When he managed to get say "1", the hole building exploded, but thankfully, both Evas and Joshy managed to jump from the window. However, they were hurt and Evas found a book in the building's rests. It was written in the first page words which let Evas very worried: �There comes the one that might defeat these people who only want to hurt people. There were many people who were chose like you, but they've failed in their journeys. Why? Because they had weak hearts and were betrayed by friends. Don't be afraid, you'll meet good and bad people. You'll be betrayed. You'll be fooled, you can be almost killed by one of your allies. But never forget, you may be the one who will save both your and my world�. -What's this? How did this appear in here? Was I chose to do something? Why did this wand appear in my house? I remember... a story like this. My father used to tell me. �Good and bad always stood in balance. One can't stay without the other. Many strange things happened to a girl who would soon discover about what she was supposed to do. In her road, the person which she trusted, betrayed her. Her poor heart wouldn't accept another lost. However, the girl stood bravely to fight against the darkness, but being betrayed again and hit by an arrow, made the girl's role in the story ends. This story didn't stop with this girl's defeat, others stood and will stand to try to finish what she began. Nobody know who will do it or when it'll happen. The people hope that is as soon as possible� -Strangely, he didn't tell me what the girl's goal was.... Maybe, this story isn't a story, but something that really happened. Maybe he didn't die by accident, maybe it was a trap. Many questions arrived in Evas' head, but not an answer to them did. Now, with her son, a book and her wand, she decided to head bravely to the Black Forest in order to find these answers. -So what did you think about the story until now? 8D I'll be writing more later. Hopes you guys like it! 2 Vincentfof and Zexion's_Lover_46 reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Keyblader 325 Posted March 22, 2011 Huh, interesting story, I kind of want to read the rest 1 Vincentfof reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 22, 2011 Chapter 3- Myez, the warrior of the darkness -We should be near it. This is the Black Forest, mom. -Worried, Joshy said this to Evas. -Hm... I'm sure I've read that it was in the Black Forest.... Maybe he wro- -He wrote right Evas. Come with me quickly! -A new shadow appeared to talk with Evas, but this one appears to have come in peace. -Not too quick. Why do you want to run? Oh.. Things are just getting started, my dears. Evas, I'm sure that you are already aware of my powers, aren't you? Perhaps I should do another demonstration. -No, please don't Perlu! You'll kill us!- The new shadow was discussing with Perlu. -Oh, I do see that you're afraid, aren't you? Well, then that makes the situation more fun... Meteor Rain! -What's going to happen? Joshy stay with me, my son! -Barrier of Light!- After saying this, a magical circle appeared on the ground and saved both him, Evas and Joshy from getting hit by the meteors. -Evas, you need to take your son and head for the east. You'll find the magical gate there... and there, you'll be safe, at least for now. -But what about you? -I'll try to block his attacks. I can't promise that we'll see each other again. Before going, take this. With this, you'll be able to use the secret password!- After saying this, he ran to fight Perlu even knowing that he would be obliterated. -You fool.... You would prefer to die for a woman that you've never met in life? You're really useless. I feel ashamed for being your brother.... But hey, I never liked you and here I am, the perfect chance to get rid of you.... hahaha! This is getting really fun. After your death, I'll be the emperor and then- -Stop talking! I want to finish this quickly! -Oh, that's your desire, Philiph? Oh, I was planning to do that, but... now I won't. I'll torture you until you scream asking for death.- Perlu said this laughing and began to use fire balls on his brother. As the stranger instructed, both Evas and Joshy began to head for the east in order to find the secret gate.Later, Evas and Joshy saw the gate, but were stopped by another shadow. This one was called Myez who appears to have come to play. -You're Evas? Man, I hoped more... Can I see your identity card? Haha! Oh, you've got the wand... Then it's really you.. Do you even know how to use it? Haha. You're a lucky girl, but you'll have to face me if you want to go to the next world. -Do you really want to fight?- Joshy who was worried asked this. -Oh, I do. I want to kill your mom in seconds so I'll be the next king... Oh, I have another idea. Go, you can go.-Myez was just tricking them, what he truly wanted was to kidnap Joshy. -Oh, you fell into my little scheme? Oh, you're such a fool.. Joshy, was it? You come with me... Let's see if the dogs want to eat you... -No! Let my son go, leave me in his place! -Sorry, can't do that. I need the boy so you'll follow us to rescue him eventually. Goodbye, you be a good woman now, okay? -After saying this, he disappeared within a green portal. -What to do now? Oh, I have to get my son back, but first I need to pass through this gate... Oh yeah, the piece of paper.. The stranger said that it would help me.. It says � We don't follow the tribe's rules, but we're not afraid of killing our own people�. I wonder what it means... As soon as she said these words, the gate opened and she quickly entered on it. At the same time, Perlu was killing Philiph. -Take this, you fool! Take that! And that! Hahaha! Now, I'll come back to my home and I'll rule everything.. Evas, your days are numbered. -After saying this, he entered in a green portal which its destination was his home. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KairiGolden13 10 Posted March 22, 2011 It awesome I love it u should post more chapters Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
axel19 6 Posted March 23, 2011 yes it was good besodes a feww mispellings it was real good more chapters Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 23, 2011 Chapter 4- The past can make a wound on your heart -Where am I? This place is so strange... What happened to the forest? This place appears to be what remained from a castle... Maybe I- -You're�Evas? Is it really you? I can't believe! We've awaited so much, and now you're here with us. This monarchy will finally end, and we'll triumph in the end!- A little dwarf which interfered Evas' words, said this with tears in his eyes, but these tears were tears of joy. -What is it, Yufy? Oh, who is this woman?- An old woman said this to Yufy. -She's... she's Evas. -Are you certain? We've seen so many women and confounded with our salvation. -I'm certain..Look! It's the magical wand! -Oh...! You're really Evas? You're so bigger now! -What? Have you seen me when I was a baby? -Yes, dear. I thought you remembered? Oh, ok. Enter in the castle, we'll tell you the whole story. After hearing this conversation, Evas decided to enter in the castle's ruins just like the old woman said. -Thirty two years ago, your father, he and your mom, Dayla, came into this castle. We were just servants of the old King, but with time, we made a connection with them. They were so kind, but sadly, after having you, your mom died due to some complications. Your father was decided to live here, but one month after your mother's death, a war began between our king and theirs. Your father quickly changed his mind, he decided to go to the human world so you could be safe. As you may see now, this castle is in ruins. Our king died when a traitor called Math attacked him with a knife. The other king wasn't happy yet and so he used his bombs to destroy our castle. Thankfully, me and little Yufy managed to survive the explosion. -That dirty little traitor! I'll never forgive that Math! If I could, I would have killed him with my own hands...- Yufy said this with rage in his eyes. -What...? My mom....! She...died because of me? No, that can't be possible!! That's why my father never said why did my mother die! No...! -Don't be too hard on yourself! Please, we don't want to make you sad. You need to be strong to defeat the tribe.-The old woman said this to try to make Evas feel better. -We won't trouble you with them now.. You may rest. It couldn't have been easy to know everything just now....- Saying this, she pointed where the room was and so Evas entered to sleep. -Master, why didn't you reveal her about the-? -Because we've already made her suffer a lot now, let's leave that for another time. -Ok, I'll rest too.-After saying this, Yufy headed for the other room. -There'll be difficult times soon. I hope we're ready for them. Why didn't our other allies arrived yet? Perlu.. why did you have to be exactly like your father? Much to Tifah, the old woman's name, Philiph didn't die, but was with a huge number of wounds around his body. He couldn't even walk, it appeared that he used his last energy to open a gate to this world. -Tifah... I'm so sorry.. I've let you down... Perlu is now the new emperor. No doubt he will attack you soon. You must be ready... Have they arrived yet? -No, my grandson. Don't worry, we'll be fine... I need to take care of you.. -There's no way, my dear granny. I'm about to die... Could you call Evas for me? -I'll! Wait, just some seconds! She quickly ran to the room where Evas was sleep and screamed her named. She instructed her to go to the castle's main gate. -What is it, your elder? -You need to see something and my name's Tifah. Come this way!- After saying this, Tifah began to run to Philiph's direction. -You're... alive? Then you must be really strong! We'll get those idiots togeth- -No... I'll die... in a few minutes. Make no mistake, I just tried to arrive here to tell you something. My brother is gathering an army, and I don't doubt that he'll be attacking Tifah's castle soon. You must be ready. And, about the book, it contains every spell that is usable by your wand. Be sure to take a lot at it. -Oh.. Ok, I'll! Tifah, can you take care of h- -Aaaaah! Here, your father gave me this before he was assassinated.. take it... And, don't worry, there are others who fight for our noble cause... Here, I die with honor because I saved the sp-.- As he said, he died without completing the last sentence. -No... He... he died because of me? This isn't right... Noooooo!!!!!! -Don't put all the blame in yourself.. He was the one chose to go save you... We couldn't help but accept his decision.- When Tifah said this, Yufi arrived with an ax in his hands. -What's the problem here? Are you hurt, Tifah? -No, I'm fine... Philiph... he died... -No... that can't be possible.. that Perlu.. he'll pay for everything!!! -We should get inside.. it's late... I'll use spells that will protect the castle- Tifah said this before instructing both Yufi and Evas to enter inside the castle. -I'll stay here until you finish your work, master. -Ok, Yufy. Evas, you need to rest now... -Why....? -What are you talking about dear? You need to rest becau- -Why is this happening? First, back to my past, my mom and dad died and now, Philiph, your friend, died. My son has been kidnapped and my city might be destroyed by now... WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? -My dear... I'm sorry, this must be really hard for you.. But please, just do as I've said, go to your room. When I cook something, I'll call you. -I'll go... bye, Tifah.- Reluctantly, Evas headed for her room as Tifah instructed her to. -Master, is it already time..? -No, it isn't. Ok, I finished my work, let's return to the castle, shall we? -Yes, master. 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Zexion's_Lover_46 76 Posted March 23, 2011 It was very good brother ^^. A few mispelling errors but, still it's good for your first time. Also, I have a suggestion that when you're having your characters talk you put ""(quotations) instead of - -. For example instead of: -Do you really want to fight?- Joshy who was worried asked this. you should do "Do you really want to fight?" Joshy who was worried asked this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 24, 2011 Chapter 5- Bad news -Aw, this was some nap. Where is Yufy and Tifah? Well, I'll search for them. -Yufy! Tifah! Are you here? Oh.. no luck. Maybe I must explore this castle a bit more... After saying this, Evas headed for the other room which was the castle's library. -What a big library. I'll get a book and stay reading until those two arrive. This one is so old, so why it is still here? After getting the book, Evas accidentally opened a secret pathway which leaded to the Sacred room. -What a strange thing. I wonder where this place will lead me to. Well, guess I'll have to find out by myself. The sacred room was a place filled with light had and two thrones. There was also some books and old pictures. -What a beautiful place! Why this place is hidden? Something like this should be in the front part of the castle. I'm gonna take a look at these pictures.. It can't be! I've already seen this man ... but I can't remember his name... I've gotta go find Tifah and Yufy quickly! After this, she began to run around the castle's garden to find Yufy and Tifah. However, much to her surprise, both of them were walking in the castle's entrance. -Where you two have been? Look, I've found this picture. There must be something wron- -Where did you find that? I'm sure that was well hidden.- Worried, Tifah asked this to Evas. -What? I was bored so I went to the library and then I-- -You found the secret pathway.- Yufy interrupted Evas because of course, he had already went to the sacred room. -Yeah! You guys know it? But why didn't you tell it to me..? -....- Tifah and Yufy stayed in silence, not even a word came from their mouths. -Well.. Changing the subject. I found this picture there. Strangely, this man is familiar to me.. Do you guys know who he is? -Yes, Evas. Master, we need to tell her now... It appears that I've got no choice but to reveal this man's identity... His name was Evol. He was.... he was... my husband.. He died thirty years ago. That's all you need to know about him. Yufy, let's go cook what we found in the forest, ok? -Yes, master. After saying this, Yufy and Tifah headed for the castle's kitchen with some plants and fruits. -Master, why didn't you tell her the truth? -She isn't ready to find out more things about her past.. Let's keep that story for now.. But really, our allies are taking too much time. -Oh, about that.. I received a message from Tuvo who said that he can't left Perlu side, otherwise they'll think that he is a spy. -Ah.. At least he's alive. The others will report back to us.. sooner or later... -Yes... -Yufy, please do as I say. Close the secret pathway with your magical powers... Just for now.. Evas probably will try to find out more about that man later... -Yes, master. I'll do it now. -As soon as he said this, Yufy exited the kitchen. -Well.. I'm sure that Perlu will try to make some contact with Evas, and if he does manage to do that... I'll have to think on something...I know that I'm lying to her, but it's best that she doesn't know about it.. at least, for now... Meanwhile, in a dark castle, Perlu was being named the next Emperor. This was the first time that he showed a true smile, because he was finally the emperor. -My friends, here I am, your new emperor. I swear to do everything to the tribe's own good, and that I'll soon capture that idiot, Evas. My brother died in a battle against that woman, I can't forget that. I really loved my brother. My father was also a great man, I could never do more than what he did. He is truly inspiring for OUR tribe. Another important subject, is that so called "Myez". Who does he think he is? He first stole our crown and now, he kidnapped Evas' son. I should be the one to do that. So, we must work together to defeat both of those threats. Like my brother said: �I'll do everything that I think it's right�. Various members were hearing this and soon, after the speech's end, began to scream the new emperor's name. When he said the last words, he headed for his particular room. -Hahaha! It's so much fun! �Oh, I loved my bro...� Hahaha! That loser. But I need to get Evas' son back so I can make she come here, and then, die at my glorious hand. Where can that idiot be now? I'll search for Myez first.. He will have two enemies, me and Evas. My first rule: �Every member must search for intruders, spies or enemies of the emperor. If you find any, you'll be eventually rewarded. Who finds Myez first, and bring him to me, will gain 1,000,000,000 munny.� In the forest, in the human world, Myez was with Joshy. He wasn't alone, he was with a man and a woman. Joshy was asleep and Myez was with a knife at his neck. -So, the pill's effect is ending?- The woman asked. -Yes, in some seconds this boy will open his eyes.- Myez confirmed this. -HUH? WHERE AM I? WHERE IS MY MOM?- After awakening, Joshy said these words. -Sh! Don't say a word or this knife will cut your head off!- Myez was now furious. -So, what are we gonna do? -The woman asked. -For now, nothing. Let's stay with the boy and later attack Evas' grandfather's old castle. -And what about Perlu?- The silent man first and only words were these. -Nothing. We only have to stay here in the human world until it's time to attack Evas. -Ok, Myez.- The woman who appeared to like Myez's decision replied this. -Oh, let's visit Blenda Pug. I want to find someone called Mr. Snider. Hahahaha! -I'll stay with the boy, you two can have fun with the Snider.- The woman decided to stay guarding the kid while the others were going to attack Evas' city. 1 Wolf on the Run reacted to this Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
VENROXAS 152 Posted March 24, 2011 Hmm Intresting,Maybe add some more descriptive words in your story, so far It looks good Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Evil-Ven-the darkness king 5 Posted March 24, 2011 hmm..not bad, its pretty good. I say, keep it up. you should read my story sometime too keep it up Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
luckey charm 0 Posted March 24, 2011 Cool story Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 26, 2011 Chapter 6- There's always light in the road! -What's your name? I forgot it.- Myez asked this to the silent man. -Phapy. -Ohhhh. You two... you really thought that I would be easily fooled? Darkness' wave! -What? Myez.. What are you doing, sir?-The silent man blocked this attack. -Stop playing the fool. I know that you're working for Tifah. That old hag... She is always interfering in my plans! -Sir.. you're feeling well? -I said : STOP PLAYING THE FOOL! FIRE WAVE! -Water Barrier! So... when did you discover about me?? -You're a fool.. I always knew... That woman.. she's your ally too. I have to kill you before she can save the boy..! While Myez and Phapy were discussing and fighting, Dassesn was saving Joshy. -Boy... You were lucky. I'm not working for Myez, I'm fighting for your mother's cause. Don't worry. Let's head for Tifah's castle. -So, you were pretending, eh? Nice work. God heard my prayers. Is my mom fine? -I'm not certain, but she's with Tifah and Yufy. Let's go quickly!!! However, they were being watched by Perlu's soldiers who decided to tell him about these news and know what he wanted them to do. -Sir, the boy's here. There's a woman with him. Myez isn't here anymore. What should we do? -Fool.. Can't you think? Of course.. Attack! Kill the woman and capture the boy! -Yes, sir! -Hello Dassesn. Could you give the boy to us? We don't want to hurt you! Just give us the boy..... -Never! You'll have to kill me if you really want him! Water bubble! -Aw.. There's no other way, isn't? Ok... Fire at her... Men, take aim and make sure to hit her when I say fire. -Joshy.. you'll have to go alone... Go through that portal... you'll find your mom.. Quickly! -What about you? -I can't escape.. If I do, they'll follow us. -FIREE!!! As soon as the furious man screamed that word, every single soldier began to shoot at the woman. -I....I....I'm...so...rry....-She said this because she would never see Tifah again. Meanwhile, Myez was winning from Phapy who wasn't ready to face him yet. Without other option, he decided to escape to Tifah's castle. -Hahahaha! So that's what Tifah's spy got? Oh man... You're really weak... Massive Explosion! -No... you won't kill me so easily... Magical Portal. I'm sorry master Tifah. I swear I'll not flee from the next battle. -Idiot! How dare you flee from me?? Coward! Oh!! I have to get Joshy back!!! Oh yeah, the forest! After arriving in the forest, Myez noticed that the woman's body was on the ground. So he decided to say some words to her. -You were so idiot!! You could have lived if you had really fought at my side..Why? Why no one trusts me anymore.. Since my family died... No one really loved me... I'm all alone in this world.... Only if I could find someone... Man, what am I saying? Did I just let my soft side take control over me..? I hate them all... those fools.. This feeling that I'm alone will only increase the hatred and rage that I have inside my heart... Maybe this situation requires a person who has more wisdom than I.... Much to Evas' happiness, both her son, Joshy, and Tifah's soldier, Phapy,were about to arrive in the castle. -Oh my God! I wonder how my son is... I hope he's fine and safe!-Evas thought these words while praying for Joshy's safety. -MOTHER!MOTHER! WHERE ARE YOU? -It can't be... Joshy, is that you? -YES. WHERE ARE YOU MOM? -I'm here. See? My son.. I was so worried... What did they do with me? -Well.. mom.. Myez is really a bandit but a woman who pretended to be her ally, saved me. However, she died because Perlu's soldiers found me and her... She gave her life for me.. I feel so bad for her... -Well.. I feel bad for Philiph too.. but they were the ones who wanted to save us.. we can't be too sad about it.. It's hard to understand, but with time, you'll see things in another way. -Master Tifah! Where are you? - This voice made Evas get her wand and be prepared to use a spell to attack the stranger. -Phapy, is that you?-Tifah said this with a smile on her face. -Tifah, do you know who this guy is?- Evas asked. -Mom! He was with Myez! He is his ally!!!! Attack him! -Estup- -Stop Evas! He's not an ally of Myez. He's one of my pupils! He was with Myez because I asked him to. But now, we'll have to be more careful since Myez now knows where we are. He can attack at any time. I'll use some defensive spells on the gate, so if he attacks, I'll know. After saying that, Tifah headed for the castle's main gate with her pupil, Phapy, while Evas and Joshy continued to talk about what happened while they were separated. Yufy also arrived and talked with Joshy. -Who is that boy, Evas? -He is my son. He is beauty, isn't he? -Nah.. I've already seen many people more beautiful than him.. -Stupid dwarf! I'm very very beatiful!!!! -Wow. I was just kidding. Shouldn't you two go sleep? Now that both Myez and Perlu can attack at any time, it's best that we're prepared for them. -You're right, Yufy. Come Joshy, I'll show you the castle. -Ok.. but I still don't like that stupid dwarf!!! Yufy headed for Tifah's side while Evas was showing the castle to her son. Now, everyone was afraid of Perlu and Myez. What could they be planning? Why didn't they show up yet? Many questions were around everyone's head, but it wasn't time to worry about that. After all, both Joshy and Phapy were alive and unharmed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kinode 3,056 Posted March 26, 2011 It was very good brother ^^. A few mispelling errors but, still it's good for your first time. Also, I have a suggestion that when you're having your characters talk you put ""(quotations) instead of - -. For example instead of: -Do you really want to fight?- Joshy who was worried asked this. you should do "Do you really want to fight?" Joshy who was worried asked this. It's because is Brazil we use - instead of ". Understandable mistake, I used to make it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Final Hearts 69 12 Posted March 27, 2011 Wow...just Wow...have you considered taking this to a publisher once you're done? i for one would buy the book. this is really an interesting story i'll be sure to read the newest chapter when it comes out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 27, 2011 Chapter 7- Preparing for Battle Phapy, Evas,Yufy, Tifah and Joshy were about to decide what would they do to prevent their own destruction. Tifah was the first one to suggest or better, order something. -Now that we must prepare for battle, I'll be guiding you. Evas, if you don't know, I'm a master. This eighty years old woman wasn't always so relaxed like it is now. You all will have to train harder. Our others allies didn't reply yet, so we must count only on ourselves. Today's training will be focused on Evas' magic. My dear, could you get your book? -Yes, here it is. -How many spells did you already learn? -Only one. Estuphory. -WHAT? You've been with the book for days and you've only learned one spell?- Surprised, Phapy laughed because of Evas. -Silence, Phapy. No matter, you'll learn at least ten today. I beg that everyone except Evas, leave this area and patrol the main gate. Joshy, you may rest. -Ok, master.- Both Yufy and Phapy replied this. -Evas, give me the book. -Ok, Tifah. -Hm... Ok.. This is a curious spell. �phifipafy, it allows the user to destroy an object or make it fly into the enemy's direction�. Please, take your wand and say that word aiming at that stone there and throw it at me. -Ok, Tifah. Phifipafy!- As soon as she said this word, the stone attacked violently Tifah. -Barrier! Well done, Evas. You're a quick learner.. So, another one... ok.. �Tugara, it makes the user heals a wound on its own or your ally's body.� This one, you won't be practicing here since anyone's hurt now, but keep it in mind. Let's see... ok... �Wingarin Stuvyo, allows the user to creat a wind which can protect, or attack an enemy.� Use it to protect you from my next attack. -Ok... -Fire Ball!-Tifah said these words and four fire balls headed for Evas. -Wingarin Stuvyo! Master Tifah, this wand is incredible! Is there anything it can't do? -Yes, you can't creat love or end it, you can't revive people who already died and some other things... -I can't revive...? But I was just thinking about reviving my father and mother.... -I'm sorry... there are rules which can't be broken.... Well, I said that you would learn at last ten spells today, but can we end today's training? -Yes, master Tifah.. I need to sleep and think about somethings...I'll be at my room, if you need me. Sad, Evas exited the Castle's garden and headed for her room. But she decided to pay a visit to the Library again. -Maybe I can find out more in the secret room.... -Yes, Evas. You'll surely find more in the secret room.You'll discover who is truly lying to you now! -Perlu??! Where are you? Come coward! Estuphory!- Evas said this spell and accidentally destroyed two chairs. Tifah heard the noise and headed for the Library. Moments after, she arrived and asked Evas what had happened there. -My dear, what's wrong? Why did you use a spell if there weren't any enemies? -I NEED TO KNOW THE TRUTH! I HEARD PERLU's VOICE AND HE SAID THAT SOMEONE'S LYING TO ME. IS IT YOU? -My dear, I'm sorry... but I can't say anything to you now... If I do, Perlu will probably only confuse you and you may also stay against me.... -AH! But I'm- -Mom, please. We'll discover it sooner or later. Let's just keep training for our next battle. Who knows when it'll be?-Her son, Joshy, suddenly arrived and told this. -You're right, Joshy... I'll stay learning new spells in my room..-After saying this, Evas headed for her room. -Joshy.. it's your time now. Your weapon will be a sword. Also, use these clothes. -Ok. I'm going master. To the garden right? -Yes.... While they were training, Perlu was trying to make another contact with Evas. However, someone was there to prevent it. -� Magical connection, please allow me to talk with the one who disrespects and tries to destroy my kingdom. For those who have died in her name, I know wish to contac- -Stop, emperor! You can't do that! You'll hurt her! -WHAT? AND WHO ARE YOU TO SAY WHAT I CAN OR NOT DO? YOU'RE JUST ONE OF MY SLAVES! -I'm not! I'm Tifah's spy! You're just too dumb, haven't you noticed? Now, the explosion devices I planted here will explode in any minute and you, will die. �Magical Gate�-After saying this, the spy opened a portal to Tifah's castle where he should be safe. -FOOL! YOU TWO, FOLLOW THAT IDIOT! -What about you sir? -I will stay to protect the castle! -OK, sir! -�Stop enemy's devices effects�. That man was so idiot. Just saying some words, and I can stop his plans. HAHA! So.. where is Myez? Oh.. IT CAN'T BE! HE IS TALKING WITH.... HIM? WHY? Perlu was watching it through a crystal ball. Myez was talking with a man who was completely taken by the darkness. His room had not a single light. There were a hundred shadows at his side. But what could he be wanting with that man? And who was it? Why was Perlu so worried? Also, Tifah's castle was about to be attacked by Perlu's two soldiers. Will them be able to defeat Perlu's slaves? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Final Hearts 69 12 Posted March 27, 2011 Oh man...that was neat. I'll be waiting for Chapter 8. this is an awesome story "Me" keep up the good work. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
J. Severe 1,137 Posted March 27, 2011 Nice story. Seems like almost a mixture between Kingdom Hearts and Harry Potter. But anyone, you've got some talent. Maybe I should write a couple of stories here... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
kalnet 1,198 Posted March 27, 2011 Nice! Awesome story! keep up the good work! There are some typos but its not much of a problem. When you're done, make sure you save it in .pdf format. Its much easier to read. =) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KennyJ129 0 Posted March 27, 2011 Wow! Now this is a great start to a great story! Can't wait to read the rest! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rikunobodyxiii 700 Posted March 27, 2011 Pretty good. Got confused with who was talking at times, but part of that is my slow brain. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 27, 2011 Pretty good. Got confused with who was talking at times, but part of that is my slow brain. It's because that when there are only two people, you don't need to put - he said, because only by references like "Master" makes the reader finds out D8 Also thanks for telling me about some mistakes like rushing a little, needs more descriptive words, a few typos and etc... Once it's finished, I'll try to make a remake where I'll try to fix these mistakes. And thank you all who commented and liked it. <3 Love you all. Really, it means a lot to me Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Final Hearts 69 12 Posted March 27, 2011 your welcome Me. You always keep me entertained with your story. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
luckey charm 0 Posted March 28, 2011 cool chappy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lu Xun 2,069 Posted March 28, 2011 Chapter 8- Lies, Plans and the Truth part 1 -Forgive me for bothering you with this, Master Shin Zuy. But you know, after those events, we have been really close, like a father and a son. I trust that you already know the reason why I'm here...? -Yes... The prophecy... You're really worried about it, aren't you? -No, I'm not! I just want to destroy both sides! -Fool... You won't be able to.. not alone... all right, I'll help you. Consider this my last �favor� to you. -Thanks, master. So, what are you going to do? -I'm not sure.. but you know, I can manipulate the darkness and give it form... I can create an entire army in minutes... Are you really worried about me, my �son�? -No... But the wand- it's too strong! -Do not fear. I know what I'm doing... Just stay watching.. I'll call you when your powers are needed. You are dismissed. After exiting Shin Zuy's side, Myez thought about his further plans. -Hahaha! Both of them are doomed, and after I get the wand, this old man will meet his end as well.. Soon.. this world will be mine.. Hahahaha!!! However, Shin Zuy wasn't dumb, and had already noticed Myez's true goals. His friend, Pyl, asked if he was going to really help Myez. He just replied: -For now, I'll. Meanwhile, Perlu was doing a new connection with Evas' mind. Making it possible would mean that he could confuse her and make she stay against the others. -Evas.. You want to know what Tifah is hidding from you? -PERLU? WHERE ARE YOU? Estuphory! -Don't worry, girl. It's yes or no! -I want! But without your help! -I'll only help a bit. Go to the Library, you'll be able to go the sacred room now. At the same time, Perlu's two soldiers arrived at the castle's main gate. -Barrier destruction!-One of them screamed this word and the magical spells which were protecting the castle, weren't working anymore. However, Yufy threw his ax at one of them causing this instantly death. -Ax Throw!- Yufy threw his ax at the enemy's head. -Noooooooo... Aww.. I'm sorry pal... -WHAT? YOU KILLED MY FRIEND? WAVE OF KNIVES! -Awwwwww... I'm sorry master Tifah, I'm- -Water explosion!- Phapy's voice called a big explosion which resulted in a Tsunami. -Wow... You won't get me here! See ya later, fool! So did Perlu's soldier escape and Phapy, hurried to Yufy's aid. They had a little conversation, and Tifah arrived as soon as she heard strange noises. -You know, little dwarf, I like you a lot...-Crying, Phapy said these words. -I know, I love you as a friend too...-Yufy replied this. -What?? YUFY? What happened to you?-Worried, Tifah gave a hug to the poor Yufy. -I'm sorry, Master Tifah... I tried to save the castle but.... -Heal!Heal!-Tifah screamed these words in order to cure Yufy, but he just fainted. -No.. my pupil.. You can't be dead..! -He isn't, dear master. He just fainted.. but he'll need a lot of rest.. for days, maybe weeks...- Crying, Phapy said these words in order to try to calm Tifah. -Yeah, he's going to be alright, isn't he? Yeah.. Yeeahh.. He's going to be ALRIGHT!-Tifah screamed these words while crying. She couldn't be sure if Yufy would or not survive the wounds cause by the knives. Inside the castle, Evas was fighting to not hear Perlu's voice, but it was simple almost impossible. -STOP! I WON'T GO TO THE SACRED ROOM...! THERE'S SOMETHING WAITING FOR ME THERE! -You can't run or hide. I'm in your mind. There's no way you can just flee. Heed my words and advance to the sacred room. Thankfully, Joshy arrived just in time to save his mother from being controlled by Perlu's dark powers of poisoning the mind. -Mom, are you alright?? What's happening? -Go away my son! Please! Run now! -Oh, Evas. I, Perlu, will forget your mind. Instead, I'll just control your son, since he's part of your family, I have a special connection with you, so do him with me. -NO!PLEASE, NOT MY SON! -What are you talking about, dear mo- Hahaha! Evas, you'll go to the sacred room wanting or not! Now, follow your dear and repugnant son. He'll lead you to the �light�, hahaha! Oh. Wait..What's happening? There's someone interfering with my powers.. Who is it? Show yourself! -Hahaha! Didn't you see me talking with Myez?- Master Shin Zuy's voice surprise Perlu. -Oh no! It can't be you...! Bye Evas! Need to go! -Useless girl, don't worry. I'll stay putting that bad guy at bay. You just keep learning until I decided to attack you and that stupidity old woman. Myez can attack at any time. Stay sharp, Evas or should I say �Save�. -Save? What are you talking about?? At the same moment, Tifah arrived in the corridor where Evas was. -Evas.. You need to know everything.. I'll tell you.. Could you sit and hear? Meanwhile, Perlu was really furious because of Shin Zuy's interruption. If he wasn't so powerful, Perlu would have asked for a army of shadows to attack and kill him without any mercy. -That stupid old man! He'll have what he deserves soon.. If I'm able to put in practice my next plan, Evas will attack the old man, and then..who knows who'll win... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stardustblade358 806 Posted March 28, 2011 This is really cool. Can't wait for the next chapter. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites