(Lovelife) My Decision To Move On

[Col.Random 3,683]

This was originally going to start as a post asking for advice so feel free to throw in your opinion, but lately I've been learning to be more confident and firm so I figured it was better to make this decision and just announce it here just because it kinda feels good to get it off my chest.
Also this post is gonna be kinda long and doesn't have all the details cause ugh i'm so tired of putting more energy into this thing.
(Also I apologize to the mods in advance cause I wasn't sure which forum this should go into >_<)

I've been in love with this girl I met during my first year in college. I was hella nervous and awkward around her  in the first few months so I can definitely understand how that must have turned her off. Anyway, I asked her out a bit too soon and naturally got a "do you mind being just friends?" reply. Obviously I said I was fine with it but I still liked her so I would still try texting her and talking to her when I could. She seemed to try avoiding me a lot, but was really nice and wouldn't ignore me. I would also try not being to pushy or text her regularly at first because well if someone's avoiding you, it's better not to keep bothering them. Of course I was a bit selfish I guess so every now and then I couldn't help but want to get to know her better so I would still approach and talk to her from time to time.
(Note: I had been told at one point that a few of her friends actually recommended her to go out with me, so like you know I guess I wasn't as bad as I thought i was)

This is where a friend usually told me I needed to be more persistent rather than giving up on her.

That advice, is the advice that has bothered me for a long time, partially because in a lot of people's lovelife persistence does work. Because you see a lot of time has gone by since then and I did become more persistent in talking to her and we grew a bit closer. Some of my friends even felt we had good chemistry and that she did sort of like me. Eventually, before I transferred to America, I did confess my feelings and asked her if she sees us being a thing. She kind of gave me a personal reason for why she doesn't think it would work out and I understood and respected that. It kind of explained why she kept me at a distance and why it often felt like I was the only one ever starting our conversations, never the other way around
I still kept talking to her every now and then, because I couldn't stop being in love with her and wanting to spend time with her or doing nice things for her where I could. Don't get me wrong, I definitely think I was being selfish. Eventually I transferred to the U.S and well, I decided it was time for me to stop being the person that always texts first and starts the conversation. We barely spoke since then and it became more and more clear that I was the only one ever trying to talk.
I'm not sure why I'm like this, I've never felt so strongly about another woman ever before, so even after being really far away I couldn't stop thinking about her and on some level comparing other girls I met to her. I felt it was holding me back so i deleted her from my instagram and well she found out. She asked me about it and after a small argument I confessed that I still had feelings for her and needed space to move on.(PEOPLE TAKE NOTE: If you want to distance yourself from someone you've made your feelings clear to, please for the love of god talk to them BEFORE you do it)
(Additonal note: during that conversation she said she didn't keep in touch because she felt I wanted to start a new. I get that, but it kind of doesn't change the fact that someone is willing to spend no time to even check up on how you're doing)

Here's where a big part of my dilemma is. I have tried meeting other girls in my new university, but so far it feels like I still haven't met anyone I feel even half as strongly about. It's like what I felt for her was something special and even now I can't shake off the feeling that I'm making a mistake completely giving up on her and moving on.
To make it more complicated, a close of friend of mine fell really deeply for a woman he met around the same time. He's the friend that advised me to be more persistent in the first place, because he was like that himself. In fact he was a bit too much, as everyone else around him usually says. He absolutely refuses to give up on her even after 3 years and has constantly kept texting and reaching out to the girl he likes first, only holding on to the really small chance that it can work out someday. Like me, he also transferred to the U.S so is far away from the woman he's been in love with, but he has constantly planned and focused on the idea that he can make it work out in the future, despite the fact that she now had two boyfriends since meeting him.
But the thing is, she actually reaches out to him to keep in touch and they talk a lot about things, sometimes pretty deep conversations. It's even starting to sound like it might work out for him someday and I'd be happy for him, but it would sure as hell leave me with the feeling that I made the wrong choice.

This is where I'm left questioning if my choices were wrong. Was constant, undying persistence in showing the woman you like you refuse to give up on her the right choice? Maybe I found someone really special and screwed everything up. I've been feeling like that alot, what if I had one chance at finding love and I was too shy to go for it and eventually gave up on her? What if I've screwed up by giving up on a woman who is sweet, honest, intelligent and open-minded. A woman who's values are similar to mine and feels like someone who would honestly make a great partner if we ever managed to give things a go.
That's been eating at me a lot lately. What if I ruined my chance at love by giving up when I should have simply refused to give up and persuaded her to give things a chance? I think it scares me because I've grown up seeing a lot of bad marriages and relationships and I can't shake the idea that the chances of me having a happy one are little to none and I've sometimes heard people give this advice where when you find someone really special who makes amazes you and makes your heart skip a beat you hold on and never let go.

 

But here I am, making the final decision to let go of her for good. I still have doubts about it and I'm a little scared I really am completely ending the chances of making things work out with a pretty amazing person, in a lot of ways that I'd rather not detail in a post on the internet. So what governed my decision to push forward and move on anyway? Because despite how naiive I am, I believe love, the love that's healthy and worth holding on to, is a two-way effort. She is a phenomenal woman and I may have been an idiot a couple of times, but the one thing I always felt was myself trying to give things a chance and her hardly trying. She had her reasons, I'm not silly enough to be mad at her for them, but I'm still going to move forward, because no matter how amazing she is, I don't feel happy. I don't feel happy about the idea of chasing someone who clearly doesn't want to be chased and I sure as hell don't wanna be a selfish jerk who expects her to put up with my feelings.

I don't think being persistent is bad and I plan to be more confident and persistent the next time I really like someone, but whatever chance I had with this woman is in the past and at this point I think my feelings have just dragged on pointlessly. Another thing is my current belief that when it's meant to be and you walk away, that person is going to actually try and stop you. I don't see her even reaching out to me so I think I'm just going to keep moving on.

I'll keep moving on till I find someone I like that makes me feel like I'm not the only one trying.

Edited May 17, 2020 by Col.Random

[WakelessDream 2,278]

I'm glad you made the decision to move on, it's easier said than done. It's one thing to be told by others (who of course mean well for you) or acknowledge that you need to do that yourself, but actually coming to terms with that decision yourself is so so liberating , and often times you find yourself in a better place. 

I was faced with a similar decision not too long ago. No romantic feelings involved though, just a friendship, and I did try persistently to maintain it after things got rough, but in the end to no avail. It weighed down on me for a long while, and after a long time I realized how unhealthy it was for me, and just made the decision to let go. 

I think it's natural to have doubts about it, or be afraid to let go of what you had, but if it's taking a negative toll on you I do believe it's for the best to move on. And I absolutely agree with you that it's a two way street, and if it's meant to be another way they'll reach out from their end as well. 

One thing I always try to remind myself of is to be grateful for all the loved ones, friends, and family that I do have in the here and now. It's something that helps me to keep moving forward, and makes me feel better about my decision.

I do hope that you're able to heal if it's something that's bogging you down, and I wish you luck and hope you do find what you're looking for eventually!

[Col.Random 3,683]

On 5/17/2020 at 5:07 PM, WakelessDream said:

I'm glad you made the decision to move on, it's easier said than done. It's one thing to be told by others (who of course mean well for you) or acknowledge that you need to do that yourself, but actually coming to terms with that decision yourself is so so liberating , and often times you find yourself in a better place. 

I was faced with a similar decision not too long ago. No romantic feelings involved though, just a friendship, and I did try persistently to maintain it after things got rough, but in the end to no avail. It weighed down on me for a long while, and after a long time I realized how unhealthy it was for me, and just made the decision to let go. 

I think it's natural to have doubts about it, or be afraid to let go of what you had, but if it's taking a negative toll on you I do believe it's for the best to move on. And I absolutely agree with you that it's a two way street, and if it's meant to be another way they'll reach out from their end as well. 

One thing I always try to remind myself of is to be grateful for all the loved ones, friends, and family that I do have in the here and now. It's something that helps me to keep moving forward, and makes me feel better about my decision.

I do hope that you're able to heal if it's something that's bogging you down, and I wish you luck and hope you do find what you're looking for eventually!

thanks Wakeless! Yeah it feels a bi weird to let go of something you feel you need to hold on to, but there's no point when it's only one person holding on to it