Roxas 13 2 Posted October 17, 2010 Hello my siblings here at kh13.com. how's bbs everyone good great. I have an idea now most of y'all would want to call me an ass for this but bear with me please. I wanna make a kh away from kh I want a modern day keyblade wielder put all the modern day crap of high school shove some nobodies unversed and heartless and bam. It would be a freshman named zach he just enrolled in the science academy school for the gifted he's had his keyblade since he was 5 wen his home was ambushed my heartless. 9 years later he keeps his powers a secret to all his friends. One fateful day while walking to geometry time stops and he goes into a deep dive this dive doesn't stop no platform at all he just keeps diving and diving until he could see nothing but darkness then his keyblade suddenly appears in his hands and it is raised forward and unlocks something there he sees ven asleep terra suffering and aqua wondering his suddenly transported back to the islands and goes home the next day he overslept and rushes to school he bumps. Into this girl falls in love with her ends up being late to social studies. At the end of the day he's visited by a man in a organization cloak and he says leave this world to unlock the secrets within urself he spends the rest of the day comtemplating on wat he should do next not a bad story if u ask me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ventus95 1 Posted October 17, 2010 love it keep going please Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Reversal 53 Posted October 17, 2010 Hello my siblings here at kh13.com. how's bbs everyone good great. I have an idea now most of y'all would want to call me an ass for this but bear with me please. I'm not going to call you an ass for it, but I will criticize. Since you're asking for critiques, I'm guessing it's okay I wanna make a kh away from kh I want a modern day keyblade wielder put all the modern day crap of high school shove some nobodies unversed and heartless and bam. Okay then (I've seen this idea used for many fanfics actually ^^) It would be a freshman named zach he just enrolled in the science academy school for the gifted Sure. For the gifted? Okay... he's had his keyblade since he was 5 wen his home was ambushed my heartless. Someone did perform the Rite of Succession right? Considering Sora being chosen by the Keyblade itself is one of a kind. If not, then with being a student in a school for the gifted, being chosen by the Keyblade itself, and having his home ambushed by Heartless, your OC is getting closer to Gary Stu territory. Since it's just in the conceptual stages, it's okay, but I'm just telling you beforehand. Sue/Stu traits are something you should avoid, but don't go so far as to make him an Anti-Stu. 9 years later he keeps his powers a secret to all his friends. And how exactly does he do that? It'd be pretty difficult to hide the Keyblade from the Heartless for so many years. One fateful day while walking to geometry time stops and he goes into a deep dive Here's the thing. Awakenings happen when, you guessed it, a person receives a Keyblade. If Zach had his Keyblade for 9 years, this would've already taken place. There's no reason for it to happen again. this dive doesn't stop no platform at all he just keeps diving and diving until he could see nothing but darkness then his keyblade suddenly appears in his hands and it is raised forward and unlocks something there Okay... he sees ven asleep terra suffering and aqua wondering ...Suddenly, I don't like this idea anymore. his suddenly transported back to the islands and goes home the next day he overslept and rushes to school he bumps. Into this girl falls in love with her ends up being late to social studies. At the end of the day he's visited by a man in a organization cloak and he says leave this world to unlock the secrets within urself he spends the rest of the day comtemplating on wat he should do next not a bad story if u ask me. Hmmm.... Yeah...well, if you want to write a fanfic, then go for it! It's not the kind of story I'd read, but that's just me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
EaglesFan887 11 Posted October 17, 2010 Bad grammer. Story concept is ok. No offense. It sounds pretty cool but fix up your grammer writing, and you'll have a great story! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Rob 5,571 Posted October 17, 2010 Zach? You should have named him Rob. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FireStorm 162 23 Posted October 17, 2010 I like the story so far Especially the name, Zach is a good name to have(its my name) But yeah, the grammar needs work, but besides that keep on going with the story, it's a good idea Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JWright 0 Posted October 17, 2010 maybe i should make a kingdom hearts story Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
CardCaptorDeadpool 386 Posted October 17, 2010 maybe i should make a kingdom hearts story no, just no... I really hope this is like the first draft cause its like the most stereotypical highschool-magical hero anime in every way -set in a highschool, every stereotype falls in afterwards. -has magical powers he keeps or must keep a secret, although none of his friends knowing is novel. -his school is for the "gifted", sounds like you threw in some X-men randomly. -When he randomly enters Deep Dive he doesn't land on a Station but gets visions of TAV, please dont go there. -He oversleeps, I bet he has toast in his mouth, skidding round corners while wearing his PJs to school. -He meets a girl and falls in love, i bet he'll pine after her for weeks like in any well structured anime. -A total stranger cloaked in shadows tells him to search for an epiphany, you're going the right way for a stereo typical anime plot. Unless of course its a tongue in cheek parody. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roxas 13 2 Posted October 17, 2010 Yes it is just a draft a draft of the begining putting a modern day wielder can have its ups and downs I just want a kh story that we can all relate to. Thank you for all the comments ill be sure to make some changes then give my second draft Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MasterXemnas 2,285 Posted October 17, 2010 I don't know, Something like this would make me hate kh. Instead of taking an idea of something and turning it into something it's clearly not, you should make an original story. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hatok 6,413 Posted October 17, 2010 One fateful day while walking to geometry time stops and he goes into a deep dive Here's the thing. Awakenings happen when, you guessed it, a person receives a Keyblade. If Zach had his Keyblade for 9 years, this would've already taken place. There's no reason for it to happen again. To be fair, Roxas already had the keyblade when he Deep Dove, at the end of BBS, Sora visits his heart when Ventus needs help, and at the start of BBS, the characters are all standing inside a heart.So I'm thinking that a Dive into the heart can be triggered by more things than receiving a keyblade. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
King Demise 2,359 Posted October 17, 2010 great job, it should be turned into a RPG game Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Reversal 53 Posted October 17, 2010 To be fair, Roxas already had the keyblade when he Deep Dove, at the end of BBS, Sora visits his heart when Ventus needs help, and at the start of BBS, the characters are all standing inside a heart. So I'm thinking that a Dive into the heart can be triggered by more things than receiving a keyblade. Roxas' excuse was amnesia. This kid doesn't suffer from memory loss : Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
