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Posted

i dont care how many read and comment on this but my freind wont answer me so here it is (ps som spoilers and i made this and this is only part one ill do part two later)

 

 

 

Axel's sucky life part 1

 

Where should i begin... Oh how about this: so i want everyone to know my life sucks... like you know being part of the Organization and having no heart... ya. Oh! Where are my manners, I'm Axel, Got it memorized? So this is my story.

 

It all started when i was about 15. At that time i was called Lea. Me and Isa (Saix) were going to a castle thing, in Radiant Garden, where Ansem the wise was found.

"This is it..." i said to Isa

We were hoping that we could be his mentors. On our way we ran into... A strange boy. his name was Ventus, Ven for short.

 

He dropped his toy sword thing (in my opinion it looked nothing like a sword). The first words outta my mouth were

"this yours?" i say

"Lea we don't have time." said Isa

"Oh, lighten up Isa it will only take a sec."

I walk over to Ven and hand him his strange sword.

"You still play with toy swords? how cute"

I chuckled then pulled out my frisbies.

"Now this... Tada! what do you think?"

I think this is how i gained my chackrams.

He just turned his head. Then again, he was probly trying to NOT look me in the eye.

"Not a whole lot..."

So i know what i said next was pretty snobbie i guess but hey who could blame me.

"Your just jealous... I'm Lea... Got it memorized?"

I also know everyone has asked me where the heck I got the catch phrase... I don't know i said it once and really liked it so i stuck to it... I challenged him to a duel. Now i only did this 'cause i thought i would win... I was sooooooo wrong. But when we battled I felt his strength, his courage, and strangely his light.

 

After a couple strong swings of his strange sword, I did the dumbest thing in my life... i gave up!

"You had enough... cause im willing to call it a draw if you are."

i regretted this because Isa started to laugh at me, then in about a minute Ven joined in! But then it was almost too late to become a mentor... I was trying to figure out why Isa was so mad. We left Ven... I was mad that i lost the fight, but i liked this kid, and I could tell he's been through a lot...

end of part 1

 

Here's part two to axels sucky life (if i miss commas sorry but not my top priority) i followed some advice given to me by somone (cant rember who) but they said to stop being jumpy... and that was my goal in this one but im not sure if i did good on that... (no crap about how axel died this was my theory)

 

 

Axel's Sucky Life Part 2: The Heartless

 

He, I'm back! If you don't remember who i am or what I'm talking about then I'll say it again. Hi, I'm Axel, got it memorized? This is my sucky life...

 

It happened when I turned 23 (I'm 25 now). It was very dark out and there were strange black creatures with Yellow eyes lurking about. The strange creatures consumed many townsfolk. I ran through Radiant Garden searching for Isa hoping he was still alive.

 

"Isa!" I scream.

"Isa, where are you?"

"Over here!"

I search frantically... Then I spotted him curled up in a corner, surrounded by the strange creatures. I freak out and dash to him.

"Are you ok, Isa?" I asked.

"Ya, just get those thing away from me!"

 

I run to the srange creatures and bring out my frisbies.

I light them on fire.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH!!"

I charged at them and threw my flaming frisbies. They turned to ash!!

"What just happened?" asked Isa.

"I... Don't know."

The creatures twitched then jumped onto us. Next thing i knew we were consumed...

 

The only thing i remember from that point on is waking to a strange man with silver-ish hair, dark skin and golden eyes. He appeared to be grining...

 

End of part 2 ill make part three later im to tired.

Featured Replies

It's alright so far. I just have a couple nit-picky little things I want to crit.:

 

-There were a lot of spelling/grammar errors. For example: "so i want everyone to know my life sucks... like you know being part of the Organization and having no heart... ya." should be "So, I want everyone to know my life sucks...like, you know, being part of the Organization and having no heart...yeah."

 

-You need to work on showing and not telling. "I challenged him to a duel", "I walked over to this place", "I did this", "I did that" gets sort of repetitive and boring after a while.

 

-Less dialogue, more description. You've barely described the setting and the characters at all, and I don't really have a clear picture of what's going on.

 

-The longer the chapter, the better. A good length is about 2-3 pages in Microsoft Word.

 

-You tend to jump around a lot, which is definitely something you don't want to do. It makes the story seem really choppy and leaves the reader confused.

 

-Take some time to describe the characters a bit better; what are their thoughts/feelings/motives/ideas/etc.?

 

Other than those, it's good. c: I hope you continue with it~

 

Axel's Sucky Life Part 1

 

Where should I begin...? Oh, how about this? I want everyone to know my life sucks... Like, you know, being part of the Organization and having no heart... yeah. Oh! Where are my manners? I'm Axel. Got it memorized? And this is my story.

 

It all started when I was about 15. At that time I was called Lea. Me and Isa (Saix) were going to something that looked like a castle in Radiant Garden, where we found Ansem The Wise

"This is it..." I said to Isa

We were hoping that we could be his students. On the way, we ran into... a strange boy. His name was Ventus. Ven for short.

 

He dropped his toy sword thing (in my opinion it looked nothing like a sword). The first words outta my mouth were

"This yours?" I asked.

"Lea we don't have time." said Isa.

"Oh, lighten up Isa! It will only take a sec."

I walked over to Ven and handed him his strange sword.

"You still play with toy swords? How cute"

I chuckled then pulled out my frisbees.

"Now this... Tada! What do you think?"

I think this was how I gained my chakrams.

He just turned his head. Then again, he was probably trying to NOT look me in the eye.

"Not a whole lot..."

So I know what I said next was pretty snobby I guess but hey, who could blame me?

"Your just jealous... I'm Lea... Got it memorized?"

I also know everyone has asked me where the heck I got the catch phrase... I don't know. I said it once and really liked it so i stuck to it... I challenged him to a duel. Now, I only did this 'cause I thought I would win... I was sooooooo wrong. But when we battled I felt his strength, his courage, and strangely his light.

 

After a couple strong swings of his strange sword, I did the dumbest thing in my life... I gave up!

"You had enough...? 'Cause I'm willing to call it a draw if you are."

I regretted this because Isa started to laugh at me. Then in about a minute, Ven joined in! But then it was almost too late to become a student... I was trying to figure out why Isa was so mad. We left Ven... I was mad that I lost the fight, but I liked this kid, and I could tell he's been through a lot...

 

 

Corrected. Good story by the way.

Axel's sucky life: Part 1

 

Where should I begin...? Oh how about this? So I want everyone to know my life sucks

  • Author

thanks i get to that but i was also half asleep when i rote this sooo ya

They corrected them pretty well. It helps if when you're typing normally you use proper spelling/grammer. ^^ I'd like another chapter~

  • Author

They corrected them pretty well. It helps if when you're typing normally you use proper spelling/grammer. ^^ I'd like another chapter~

 

ill get onn that soon it may take a while... you have to remember his life and then make up some... i might have to make up a story of how he lost his heart

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