kh 1000 years ago

Well, I hope you like sincere critiques 'cause here comes one.

Well, for the first point I'd like to say that you can't ask someone if they like a story only from the Introduction and 1st chapter, you have to read at least five chapters to make up your mind about the plot.

But from this small sample I've got some views, first you ought to try and correct your grammar, there are many mistakes on simple details that should be noticed, that aren't only mispelling, what is pretty usual and almost acceptable.

Second, you use too much "THEN" like in this sentence: "Then the captain ran and tackled the dark welder, grabed his tongue and sliced the dark welder's tongue off. Then he picked..." It isn't necessary to use then to make a sucession of actions.

3rd, try to make a few paragraphs, it gets difficult to read and understand the topic of each sentence like this, if I were you I'd make some longer chapters that could give us a better idea of the plot and keep interest.

That's all for now, I'll read it again later and see if I have something else to say.

Oh yeah, another thing, don't give up because someone (like me) gave you a bad critique, we're not supposed to say that your story is great and that we want to read more while there are many mistakes to be corrected, and no one has achieved perfection yet, so, don't give up.

Well, I hope you like sincere critiques 'cause here comes one.

 

Well, for the first point I'd like to say that you can't ask someone if they like a story only from the Introduction and 1st chapter, you have to read at least five chapters to make up your mind about the plot.

But from this small sample I've got some views, first you ought to try and correct your grammar, there are many mistakes on simple details that should be noticed, that aren't only mispelling, what is pretty usual and almost acceptable.

 

Second, you use too much "THEN" like in this sentence: "Then the captain ran and tackled the dark welder, grabed his tongue and sliced the dark welder's tongue off. Then he picked..." It isn't necessary to use then to make a sucession of actions.

3rd, try to make a few paragraphs, it gets difficult to read and understand the topic of each sentence like this, if I were you I'd make some longer chapters that could give us a better idea of the plot and keep interest.

 

That's all for now, I'll read it again later and see if I have something else to say.

 

Oh yeah, another thing, don't give up because someone (like me) gave you a bad critique, we're not supposed to say that your story is great and that we want to read more while there are many mistakes to be corrected, and no one has achieved perfection yet, so, don't give up.

 

To tell you truth, I didn't even know, because i was really tired when I did this story

 

Well, I hope you like sincere critiques 'cause here comes one.

 

Well, for the first point I'd like to say that you can't ask someone if they like a story only from the Introduction and 1st chapter, you have to read at least five chapters to make up your mind about the plot.

But from this small sample I've got some views, first you ought to try and correct your grammar, there are many mistakes on simple details that should be noticed, that aren't only mispelling, what is pretty usual and almost acceptable.

 

Second, you use too much "THEN" like in this sentence: "Then the captain ran and tackled the dark welder, grabed his tongue and sliced the dark welder's tongue off. Then he picked..." It isn't necessary to use then to make a sucession of actions.

3rd, try to make a few paragraphs, it gets difficult to read and understand the topic of each sentence like this, if I were you I'd make some longer chapters that could give us a better idea of the plot and keep interest.

 

That's all for now, I'll read it again later and see if I have something else to say.

 

Oh yeah, another thing, don't give up because someone (like me) gave you a bad critique, we're not supposed to say that your story is great and that we want to read more while there are many mistakes to be corrected, and no one has achieved perfection yet, so, don't give up.

 

To tell you truth, I didn't even know, because i was really tired when I did this story

 

It honestly doesn't matter how tired you are--you can still bother clicking the Spell Checker button.

On-topic, I think Gizelita summed it up pretty well. Adding to that, you don't need to cuss to make things sound "intense". How you describe the scene determines how your readers understand the characters' hardships. I do understand it when the commander yelled, but I'm just saying that for future reference.

I did check the spell checket button

... then why is your spelling inaccurate?

... then why is your spelling inaccurate?

 

because it's different on the wii. you see, Im not using the pc or a lab top. Instead, i'm using the wii. so it's more difficult.

Okey dockey then