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Posted

Yes. I love my Twilight. So I had to write a story about vampires.

 

"No big deal," I lied to myself. "Just Night Academy." My suitcase suddenly seemed heavier--a crowd of vampire girls walked by, staring curiously. I forced myself not to blush, feeling so out of place.

 

My older sister, Aimee, smiled and squeeled, "I'm going to miss you, Sophie!"

 

"You too, Aimee," I barely whispered, and tried to ignore the knot forming in my stomach, the butterflies bouncing around. Instead of meeting my sister's gaze, I looked out over the manicured lawn. A concrete fountain, somehow resembling a tear drop, spewed water towards the sky, which fell away towards the lake. Two boys shoved each other playfully next to it, laughing.

 

"See ya later I guess," Aimee smiled sadly.

 

I nodded my agreement. "See you," Feeling more out of place than me and anxious to escape, Aimee leapt into our parents' Mercedes, and waved out the driver's window as she sped away. I looked down--my white-washed jeans and Spice Girls t-shirt weren't going to fit in very well compared to the mini skirts and spaghetti strap tops surrounding me. I bent to grasp my yellow duffel bag--it reminded me of summers I'd spent at camp with my friends. Friends I'd never see again now that I was training to become a vampire.

 

Klutz that I am, I stumbled over the curb. My arms flew out, trying to save myself, but there was nothing to grab to steady myself. Someone caught my elbows. I breathed a sigh of relief, and looked up. A boy with dark chocolate hair and a seemingly endless depth of camoflage green eyes stared back, a cocky grin lighting up his face. "Better watch yourself," He recommended.

 

"Yeah, curbs will end the world," I bounced to my feet, pulling away.

 

"Dangerous things," The boy smiled. "Do you have a name, new girl?"

 

I glowered. "Yeah, use it--Sophie."

 

"My name's Hunter," How appropriate for a vampire boy. "Training to be a vampire?" He guessed, and my eyebrows knitted together.

 

"It's Night Academy--what else do you do here?" His face soured.

 

"Yeah, I guess so. What else?" This reaction confused me. Wasn't Night Academy for people to train to become vampires? Wasn't everyone who came chosen specifically to become a vampire? What else could you come for? Hunter's voice matched his face--twisted in disgust--perfectly.

 

"What? You're training to be one, too," I pointed out awkwardly.

 

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess so," Hunter repeated his words from before.

 

"Um, well, thanks for saving my life from that horrid curb," I made a point of taking a massive step onto the sidewalk.

 

Hunter didn't reply. A little thrown off, I grasped my Mountain Dew-yellow bag, and started for the ornately carved double doors.

 

"Wait!" His voice came suddenly. I spun around, surprised. "Um, well...." I waited, but he didn't elaborate.

 

"Well what?" I prompted.

 

"Well nothing," He muttered. "If you need anything, I'm usually hanging out around the soccer field." I smirked, glad he didn't hate me, at least.

 

I slid my duffel bag onto my wrist, and let it dangle. "I thought vampires didn't like sunlight," I taunted.

 

I didn't expect him to snap, "What makes you think I'm a vampire?"

 

"Um, w-well, it's a s-school f-for--," I stammered, not understanding.

 

"Never mind," Hunter turned away, sprinting for the doors ahead of me. The two boys by the fountain looked after him.

 

Okay, strange welcoming commite, to say the least. The oak doors, at least nine feet above my head, seemed daunting without light spilling out, like it had been when he'd opened the door to speed away. I shoved them open, expecting coffins, cobwebs, or at least blood, but I hadn't even guessed at the brightly lit room, with colorful sofas surrounding a television, a blue-and-red air hockey table behind, and a few doors leading away, a stairwell in the corner of the room, leading downwards. This must be the lounge for the tenth graders. I plopped down on one of the sofas as my cell phone buzzed.

 

I revealed the absolutely adorable Motorola, with pink and yellow sparkles decorating the cover. Girly, I know, but I couldn't help it. It was a gift from Aimee, and if this meant I could never see my sister in person again, I'd keep anything I could. A picture of her making a peace sign in front of the mall giggling lit up my screen, and in bouncing, bubbly text below, flashed her name. "Hey, Aimee," I pressed the Motorola to my ear.

 

"Vampire school!" She yelled into the phone. "It's vampire school and all you can say is 'hey, Aimee'? At least say something like, 'I vant to suck your blood'!" I rolled my eyes. Aimee. "Settling in okay, baby sister?" As annoyed as I was with that term--and she knew it, too--I didn't bother correcting her.

 

Hunter flashed through the room, one of the boys from the fountain racing after him. The boy trailing after paused for a moment to give me a questioning glance, and continued after his friend, I guessed. When someone yelled, "Hunter and the new girl sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!" I sank deeper into the plush sofa.

 

"Nope," How was I going to survive this place?!

Featured Replies

I love your description~

But I do have some problems with this FORGIVE ME LEXI

I feel as if you rushed the intro a little bit. I mean, by the 6th paragraph Sophie already meets what I believe to be the love interest if any.

I would've like to know maybe vague details of how she got there, her feelings of being at the school and maybe the relationship between her and her sister.

A little more details and just stretch it out a bit. I'm sure the plot is good, and your descriptions are awesome, but try to draw it out. <3

Ew. Vampires.

-walks out-

 

Naw I keed.

It's really good, but like Koko said, it rushes in to quickly. When you read Twilight, the showed Bella leaving her home or Arizona, then at her dad's house, and then her first day of school. Try making it as flow-y as possible ^w^

  • Author

SHUDDAP, TEDDY. YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO INSULT MY PRECIOUS VAMPIRES. <3

 

Yeah, I know what you guys mean. xD I'll get an idea for a story, and just write it down as quickly as possible, because I'm too excited. xD Thank you for the crit~ <3

 

I'm sorry Lexi, you know I can't resist.

  • Author

ROXSOX, DAMMEEEET. D8

 

A girl with a bright orange tank top and a pink-and-orange layered mini skirt bounced up to me. "Hiya, you must be the new girl." She beamed.

 

"That'd be me," I tried not to sound too nervous. By her unchanging expression, I'd pulled it off. A girl in a deep crimson Skillet--Awake album spaghetti-strap top and thigh-length denim shorts glared at me. Instead of wondering why, I concentrated on the girl in the orange tank top. She pushed back a few colorful sports headbands through her light blonde hair.

 

"My name's Addison, but you can call me Addie." Skillet girl behind Addie twirled a strand of hair around her finger, seeming impatient. Suddenly, excited and bubbly Addie's face darkened the way Skillet girl's already had. "You see the boy who just ran by, right? You don't want to mess with him," She warned, shaking her head, eyes grave.

 

"Um, okay," I wouldn't object to that. "Why?"

 

"Because he's mine," She snarled. "He's going to ask me to the Vampire's Night Dance, smart one." Her eyes got dreamy.

 

Stupidly, I repeated. "Vampire's Night Dance? You have dances?"

 

"Actual dancing?" She laughed. Did she have a sarcasm obsession or something? "Yeah, right. It's a vampire school, new girl." Addie smirked. "Blood, blood, and more blood!"

 

"Oh, um...okay," I mumbled, not liking the idea. Sure I'd happily agreed to attend vampire school, though I knew what I'd have to do. I just hadn't thought that far yet--why ruin my own fun?

 

I jingled the stack of glittering silver bangles on my wrist--they looked kind of tacky, but I loved the sound. Like wind chimes--it reminded me of playing with my friends on the front porch when we were little, my mom's crystal clear chimes rocking back and forth in the gentle breeze. Being little, we hadn't really been sure what made them 'sing', as we'd called it. In the end, we assumed it was pixies. I almost giggled at the thought of us running around the garden with butterfly nets, self-proclaimed world class pixie hunters. "Are you listening to me?" Her voice was sweet again.

 

"What?"

 

"I said as long as you stay away from Hunter, we can be BFFs! What do you say, new girl?" I didn't like her nickname for me.

 

"My name's Sophie," I hoped maybe this would make her, I don't know, shut up?

 

"Right--what do you say, new girl?" I exhaled loudly--she couldn't take a hint, could she? But by the way people walked around, waving and prancing about like she was the queen of the world, I figured it probably wouldn't be smart to make her mad.

 

I hesitated for a moment, and was relieved when her ringtone blared. "Any kind, any kind, any kind of guy you want! You decide, change your mind, I. Will. Be. There!" Any Kind of Guy by Big Time Rush sounded.

 

She held up her index finger, answering. "Hey, Hunter, baby," She cooed. Addie's face darkened at whatever the response. She flipped her hair, repositioning the stretchable sports bands. "What?!" Skillet girl jogged after her when, completely ignoring me, she spun away, muttering furiously into the phone. "Never...Dance?!...What's wrong with you?!..." I caught a few of her irate whisperings. Addie's face flushed wiht fury.

 

"Getting tormented already, huh? Just ignore her," Someone soothed, and I jumped. There hadn't been anyone behind me a second ago. A boy with black hair messily--but cutely--arranged leaned over the back of the sofa. I twisted to face him.

 

"Um, hi, nice to meet you. Would you mind telling me your name?" Incase I needed a quick escape, I gripped my yellow camp duffel.

 

"Alex, since you're so polite to ask. Addison Long cannot stand the idea someone is better than her." He grinned. "She's convinced she began the world, so naturally it revolves around her."

 

I grumbled. "Thanks for the advice,"

 

"Your welcome," He flashed a cocky grin. "Sophie, right? Someone's got a crush already, huh?" My face got hot, and I freed my hair from its ponytail to cover it. Alex caught the look anyway. "Too personnal?" He sounded amused.

 

"Yes, it's to personnal, no, I don't have a crush, and, sorry, but could you bug off?" I immediately regretted the words, but he just smirked.

 

"Ahh, and I thought I'd have a new buddy, too." He threw an arm around me, unintentionally cutting off my air supply. I choked, and slipped away.

 

I couldn't help it as I giggled. "What was that for?"

 

"See--I told you someone liked you!" He yelped as I caught a glimpse of Hunter through the window. I threw a panicked glance at the tv, now flipped off. My waves were as bouncy as ever, and I didn't have fangs sticking out over my lip. So what was with him?

 

GAH Lexi.

This is cool I admit, and you have a talent for writing, its just...

DON'T.

RUSH.

IN.

She meets her rival already? And this main event that is (I think) gonna cause a lot of drama between the characters? Slow dowwwnnnnnnnnn. Take it slow, and this will be epic. ^_^

Its rushed and I question the imput of vampires when it seems like a normal school. Then theres the cliches. You are good enough to write a story, but please, not this type of story.

  • Author

@Teddy Bear

HA. YOU ADMITTED YOU LIKED SOMETHING PERTAINING TO VAMPIRES. I know xD I'm trying. I'm trying to get my characters introduced kinda quickly. I always sorta rush the openings. xD Sorreh~ Dx I'll try to slow down a bit. <3

 

@-Ventus-

I have a huge problem with rushing. xD I'll try, though. I'm sort of trying to get that vampires in a sort of normal-seeming enviroment. It'll change later on, though. And I really like writing this one. Thank you for the advice, but I really want to keep writing it.

 

((Gah, sorta short chapter. I have to get off the computer soon, but I had an idea, so))

 

I kicked my soccer ball as hard as I could against the pale yellow wall of my dorm room. Bang. A hollow sound echoed, and the ball rolled back towards me. Immediately I slammed it again. Bang! Hunter! The soccer ball rolled to the right, and I rushed to meet it. It thwaped against the wall. Bang! Why doesn't he like me? Bang! What did I ever do to him? A light knock tapped on my door. I didn't want to stop kicking the ball around--it was a pretty effective way for me to calm down--but when it bounced back I bent, and flipped it into the air, catching it. Tucking it under my arm, I swung the door open. Maybe it could be Hunter?! I crossed my fingers, and uncurled them, hopes falling, as Addie twirled a strand of hair around her finger. "Heya, Sarah," She brushed past me, plopping down on my lower bunk bed. I guess I wasn't special enough to have a roommate.

 

"Sophie," I corrected, and she whipped out a compact.

 

"Do you think I care? We're BFFs now, so you can't get on me about anything. Oh, and it also means you will not be anywhere near Hunter." I just stared like an uncomprehending moron.

 

"Ahh...um..." I didn't finish. "Y-yeah,"

 

"Don't give that look," Addie rolled her eyes. Assie might be more appropriate. Seriously? "I know you have Algebra with him." I did?

 

"How do you know that?" I felt the guarded look on my face. "I haven't been to class yet." She snapped the compact shut with such force the spring broke, leaping partway out the edge. A furious and triumphant glare filled her face.

 

She stood up, leaning in my face. "Because I know everything, and I am never wrong. Got it?"

 

Anger bubbled through me. What was with her?! "You don't know everything. If you did, you'd probably know he's planning to ask me to the dance. He already did, too. I said yes," I sniffed, and I internally screamed at myself. What have I done?! Where did I even get that idea?! He won't even talk to me! I scrubbed the point of my right ballet flat into the plush white carpet.

 

"What? No he didn't!" But Addie didn't seem very sure herself.

 

I folded my arms, and copied Aimee's sly look of pure confidence from when we were little and she ratted me out. "Of course he did," I smirked. What am I doing?! He did not! Ohmygosh, she will kill me when she finds out I lied! Why am I still going on this?! Why didn't I just say I was kidding?!

 

Addie's cherry red face cooled into its usual tan, and her hazel eyes stopped flaring. "So I guess I'll go congradulate him! We'll be best buddies then!" She knows! She knows I'm lying!

 

Was maybe she trying to trick me? Bluffing, I changed my lying grin to faking a happy smile. "Yeah! Maybe we can even pick out outfits together," I cheered.

 

"Yeah, maybe," Her face darkened. So she had been bluffing...but I'd been lying. "Well, new BFF, come on! Let's go find him! I want to tell everyone all about it!"

I liked it,its preety cool

Kinda off-topic, but... -goes to stalk Alex-

Anyyyhoowwww....

It's really good. Reeeeeallllyyy good.

But.

She's already challenging her rival? Yeah, like the others have said, it's is a bit rushing in.

  • 3 weeks later...

Pretty good so far. I honestly don't like love stories, since there is basically all lovey dovey and not a lot of plot involved.

 

I only have two suggestions:

 

1) DON'T RUSH WOMAN! Keep it nice and steady. Makes it feel like you put a lot of effort in it.

 

2) Change the font size if you going to write this. It's killing my eyes O.O

 

But I see you manage well. Keep up the good work ;)

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