Hmm. Well I'm currently a Junior in High School and I should be looking into colleges along with my future and trying to get my driver's license, but I've found that I just don't have the drive to do it despite it being important. For pretty much all of High School I've been like this plus also feeling pretty not good, and just not feeling anything in general (I find that I'm just not happy and I can't really enjoy life). Ever since this has happened I've also found it hard to truly enjoy many things I once did. (I haven't really enjoyed a book, I can't be fully emotional invested in a game, and despite loving art and wishing to be an animator in the future, I haven't really drawn anything in a long time) This has also caused me to have trouble sleeping, and also affects my focus whenever I do homework. (I end up procrastinating more then I should) Instead of trying to do more productive things, I find that I tend to be more focused on playing video games or being on the computer. (YouTube). I've asked myself why I do this and why I'm like this, to which I then realize that it's too distract myself from my own mind. I have a lot of time to myself, more than I would like to, and I've come to know that it can be a bad thing as it always results in me just delving deep into my thoughts and problems to which no good comes out of that. I haven't really told my family about this (though my brother deduced that I don't have the drive to do certain things, he doesn't know the rest.) since I know that they wouldn't really understand, and I also know that there wouldn't really be anything that they can do to help. (When I've tried to tell some close friends bits of it, I find that they still don't understand as well) Although I haven't told them yet, if/when I get over this, I will. The reason for thinking that my family wouldn't be able to help me with this is because, to me, there is really only one way that could fix all of this: by being in a relationship. For all of high school so far, I've liked two girls. The first was during freshman year and the last two years of middle school. I've tried to tell her how I felt and ask her out, but in the end, I reluctantly had to move on. (In the process during that year, I lost myself a bit) That's where I started liking the second girl at the end of freshmen year. (from various instances of freshmen year, it seemed as if she liked me) I'm a junior now. From being told from friends and from inferences from myself, I know that she most likely doesn't have feelings for me. Despite knowing this, I find that I still like her. I still feel happy, if only for a moment, whenever I see or talk to her. From other instances of this year and sophomore year, I've tried to move on or ignore my feelings multiple times, yet I just can't get over her.(By the end of sophomore year, I wanted to tell her how I truly felt, yet was unable to and I constantly beat myself up over it. For all of that summer, I found that I was constantly thinking about her whether I wanted to or not. She appeared in my dreams more frequently than anyone else besides me, and whenever I would be somewhere, I just couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if I was there with her) (There was also a time this year where after saying Hi to her, my close friend jokingly said that she hated me. Even though it was a joke, for the rest of the day until lunch, I just felt terrible and tried my best not to cry and maintain a stoic demeanor. It wasn't until I got a something that said it was from her that I felt better, but It wasn't really her that did it I later found out.) I just don't really know what to do. I don't know If I'll ever be able to continue and advance on in life and in my future without this. I ask myself what is my drive for continuing on If I can't focus on my future, and I then realize that it's to see and talk to her. I also just don't think that/know if I would be able to take hearing from herself that she doesn't like me.
I apologize for all of this text, but I feel that I can't explain this without the full picture.
Writing this out was hard for me, but I feel that I could use some advice right now.
Hey umm...I don't mean to steal your thunder Key but this guy sounds literally just like me, all too similar.
I am shocked at how similar this is to how I was in high school. I liked this girl the last two years of middle school and freshman year, she rejected me multiple times but nobody ever liked to do it face to face which I hated and continued forward until I realized how much of a jerk that made me seem. My friends kind of tried to help me out with that, they teased me about her and stuff, they told me she liked me then she didn't but I never believed them. You say you want to be an animator?! That's me, I'm going for animation, none of my friends understood that or felt the same interest so I never really talked about it with them. My best friend moved the summer after freshman year so I was kind of left alone for the rest of high school, we did everything together, I had to cling to some other friends through classes and I also played soccer a little bit (If it wasn't for that I probably wouldn't have had any friends). I never could get addicted to a game really...apps maybe, I played those at lunch time so I didn't seem nervous. My parents didn't understand my art dream really, still don't, I have big goals and I know they're hard to believe but I don't care how impossible they may seem. I never did "home" work really, I just did it at school, home was my time to relax more or less. I would get done what I need to get done then around 6 until I went to bed I just played around on the computer. Skip to the beginning of sophmore year I started playing Minecraft and joined a server, they all had Skype and I started talking to some people, made friends through that, one girl I started to like and then she actually confessed to me (surprising). It was an online relationship...a lot of drama happened all these people got involved and we lasted about 2 weeks or so. Long distance was easier but also harder, I ended up cutting all ties with people on Skype before it got really bad. I didn't really like anybody else or actually pursued them until Senior year, though I wanted to. Junior year was probably my hardest year, depression hit and kind of seeped into my senior year a little. Senior year...was disappointing, it wasn't that much fun, I went to homecoming, it was boring, skipped Prom because it was on a boat? and I had no date. That summer I started talking to a girl on kik and I liked her but she lived kind of far...once again long distance so I kind of brushed it off. Around November of senior year though I fell for another girl. We sat in the same group at lunch (funny how you mentioned lunch drama) I kind of found out what I could about her without actually talking to her, I asked other people, I added her on Twitter and stuff then I decided to confess to her. How was I going to do that with all these people around my lunch group and we didn't have any classes together at the time?...Once again online. I slid in her DMs lol. She said she wasn't looking for a relationship so I asked if we could be close friends then "sure". The next day like 3 of her friends followed me so I messaged them. "Did she send you to keep tabs on me?" "Yep" "Why?" They wouldn't tell me. I thought I thought of every possibility, I sat extra close to her at lunch...not a word...she said nothing and if you think I was going to break the ice you are sadly mistaken, she straight up ignored me for the rest of our days, I eventually even yelled out to her, still straight up ignored me. I quit on her and got really paranoid, couldn't sleep, didn't feel like anything, I didn't like my life anymore but I knew better than to just throw it away. However at the time I was talking to that someone on kik, we were just friends and I told her what's up because I was really depressed, she kind of made things better (
as well as sitting in my room listening to heartbreak music half the day to get over my mood). She said she was going to confess to somebody too, so she did and she texted me back not long after and said "Hey". I said "Oh...shoot" (sugar coat that) she said "Yeah oh shoot!!!" She got rejected too. Look at us rejects sitting together just barely getting by then I started noticing she was talking to me more and more, saying things completely random until one day I figured her out and asked her about it "I'm not guilty" she said. Alright I let it slide. Not long after she tries to pull this "Can I say I love you?" then explained she tells all her friends that...she didn't. I immediately made her spill that she liked me. We slowly started dating and I graduated...here I am now, in college, soon to move out going far away not just to see this girl but to pursue my animation dream.
That's my experience and I hope you can see how we relate. I just want to say that high school is such a pain in the arse, and you're not alone (I thought I was alone until now tbh) I can say that being in a relationship does make it better (otherwise my life would seem pathetic rn in this stupid town) And you have to realize what you've learned about love. I thought I knew everything after my first relationship, I knew not to try and be anyone other than myself, not to be too jealous of others, then after 2 years I just came to learn what paranoia is and that I can't predict every possibility, then and only then did I get into a really good relationship. You just have to keep trying, don't let people put down your dreams like with art and such. I took about every art class there was in high school and still wasn't satisfied because this is not the place to learn art, everyone is an engineer or some more hands-on thing, but I have to take what I can get for now and wait for the future which is hard to be patient but I know it will be worth it in time. You have a reason to go on but you just don't know it yet. Just get by with high school for now and figure it out from there and ask yourself "What makes you happy?" Learning to drive sucks because you have people monitoring you, and telling you what to do, no freedom whatsoever, I only found out that I like driving when I went somewhere that I actually wanted to, in my car alone or with someone that I want. It takes courage and strength to move on after taking a blow from a rejection or whatnot, face to face or not. If they don't do it then that's their loss, they're the one that's afraid to actually do it, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get a straight answer whether they liked me or not so I just left it alone, if she likes you and you put in your part and your effort to tell her then she'll come after you.
If you ever need help feel free to message me and I don't mean to be nosy but I'd really like to know what happens.
- The Transcendent Key likes this