Hello, denizens of KH13, welcome to the return of the stupidest idea I’ve ever come up with. Yes, even more stupid than 5 Questions.
For those of you not in the know, because you gotta be in the know to know you know, I used to have an interactive story called “Kingdom Hearts: The Bullshit Chronicles” where I would basically make shit up and allow the audience to help contribute to said shit as well.
And now I’m bringin’ it back! That’s right, it’s time now for the rebirth of BSC, now dubbed “BullSHIT HD ReMIX” to fit in line with the re-mastered and re-released collections of Kingdom Hearts games that we’ve all come to know and love. Mostly. Which is a perfect allegory for this series.
Now then, without further ado: Onward! To Bullshittery!!
== Episode 1: The Bullshit Awakens ==
Destiny Islands… uh… it’s a place. Yeah, honestly, I probably should be describing this setting with a lot of detail that sets the mood but… the people who’ve talked about it are right, this place is not only small, but it. Is. Boring.
I mean, there’s sand… and wood… and trees… it's inhabited by hippies… oh yeah, that’s where we are by the way. I should probably stop screwing around and narrate this properly. I’ll do that, starting now, here we go, ahem…
Sitting blissfully on top of a thick yellow tree that bore fruit shaped like the stars above were three young kids, two boys and a girl. Sora, Riku, and Kairi. They were watching the sun set over the horizon, taking in the simple nature of their small little world as they had always done, knowing that though their space was limited, the outstretch of the entire universe they inhabited was limitless. That is because the countless other worlds and places they’ve visited in the past would always live on in spirit within their hearts, the comfort of—
“Uh, hey, you know we can hear you right?” said Sora, directing his attention away from the sunset and towards my direction where I stood hidden behind one of the stray coconut trees.
“We can see you, too” Kairi then said. Unfortunately, I did not realize that my body was very noticeable. These coconut trees aren’t that wide.
“Well, that didn’t work,” I said, stepping out from my hiding spot. “Uh, how you doing guys, its me. Sensei!” I greeted.
“Oh great. What’s your insidious plan to torture us this time?” Riku asked. Like a prick.
“What, are you guys still sore about all those other misadventures we had? Come on, we had some good times during all that.”
“Maybe for you, but all we remember is heartache,” Riku said, Sora and Kairi nodding in agreement like the sheep they are.
“Yeah, no offense but uh, it just wasn’t all that fun,” Sora said. Dumbass.
“Plus you always seem to pick on us for no reason. It’s not very nice,” Kairi said. Twat.
“Oh please, you three aren’t even doing anything remotely important anyway, the third game is taking forever to come out. And has been for years!”
“How is that our problem?” Riku scoffed.
“Blegh, look, let me just tell you the deal, alright?” I began. “I’m doing a reboot of my Bullshit Chronicles thing—“
“Not surprised that it’s another reboot—“
“Let me fiiiiiniiiiish…” Once again, prick. “Ahem. As I was saying: I’m making a reboot of BSC and I need you three to help out and do your usual thing again. Trust me, it’s gonna be great. It’ll have more wacky shenanigans, more twists, more turns, more user interaction—“
“Wait, what does that last part mean? Are there more people involved with this?” Sora asked.
“Well, of course. Didn’t you hear me talking to the audience about what choices they had to decide the next event and all that? I’d do it at the end of every episode.”
“We just thought you were talking to yourself because you were lonely and didn’t have any friends,” Kairi said.
“… I’m going to ignore that. Anyways, I already know you guys are going to be down for this entire ordeal, so let’s just—“
“Wait wait wait, hold on a second,” Riku said, interrupting me. Again. “Nobody is agreeing to this. Right, Sora? Kairi?” The two stayed silent for a moment, looking away from their stick-up-the-ass best friend, as if saying, “well… we kinda do actually.”
“Well… we kinda do actually.” See?
“Are you kidding me? You’re seriously just going to go along with this like you did last time without putting in even a fraction of rational thought into your decision?”
“Pretty much,” Kairi said.
“And you’re gonna say yes anyway, so why not?” Sora said. “At the very least, we’ll all be together, right?”
Riku buried his face in his hands and took a deep sigh. “… Fine. F-Fine, let’s just get it over with.”
“Yay!” Sora and Kairi cheered.
“Now that we’ve finished our afterschool special, let’s get crackin’!” I exclaimed, immediately snapping my fingers and making a giant pirate ship appear in the nearby ocean.
“Whoa, a pirate ship! That’s so cool!” Sora said. He may be dumb but as least he’s enthusiastic. “It also kinda looks like the Black Pearl that Captain Sparrow has…”
“That, my spikey haired friend, is because it is Black Pearl. I borrowed it.”
“And by borrow, do you mean steal?” My mom, or I’m sorry, Riku asked.
“Already trying to be the party pooper, are we? Look, don’t worry about it, he won’t even notice it’s gone.”
== Meanwhile, In Port Royal ==
“Ah, nothin’ like a good bottle of rum to finish off a nice meal,” hummed Jack Sparrow, belly full of both food and booze as he walked down the docks.
“Now, I’d find a short voyage on the Pearl to be sav—“ the captain stopped his sentence as well as his tracks when he realized that the ship that had been anchored near the shore had completely disappeared.
“… SON OF A BI—“
== Aaaaand Back To The Story ==
The three islanders now found themselves sailing across the ocean in their newly acquired ship. Riku of course was manning the steer while Sora and Kairi… just kinda stood there and looked at the water.
“Hey, we’re doing stuff!” Sora lied.
“Where are you anyway, Sensei? You’re not hiding again are you?” said Kairi.
Nope, Kairi, I am simply with you in spirit now. I am the narrator of this fantastical voyage after all, which means I get to stay omnipotent.
“If that’s true, mind giving us some actual direction? I have no idea where we’re even going,” Riku groaned before being attacked by a seagull.
“Nice try, but that’s not going to work.” Alright, alright, you got me. “That’s what I th-“ It’s gonna be a flock of seagulls. “Wait, wh-ah! Ah, ah! Knock it off, get lost, ow ow ow ow!” Heh heh heh.
But to answer your question: the sun finally set down on the horizon, the sky now turning dark with the stars fully on display. Also, the currents below began to grow more furious as a storm was brewing.
“This looks bad,” Captain Obvious aka Sora said.
“Yeah, and I have the weirdest feeling that things are going to get even more bad…” Kairi said, showing her lack of grammar skills.
But they weren’t wrong. Something “more bad” was going to happen… a perilous challenge that would put all three islanders safety on the line… what is it?
Weeeeell, we’ll have to find out next time because we’ve reached the end of the first episode of BullSHIT HD ReMIX, yaaaaaay!! … What, I didn’t say there wouldn’t be cliffhangers, geez…
Anyways, it’s time for you, the lovely users of KH13, to decide what happens next. Following tradition, you’ll be given a set of three different scenarios, all laced with their own special kind of absurdity. They are:
A) Ursula, in giant form, shows her ugly face one more time
B) An angry Jack Sparrow comes to take back the Black Pearl
C) More seagulls
D) Insert your own scenario here
That’s right, I’ve decided to include a fourth option to allow you to make up your own ideas instead of just choosing from the first three, and if your idea is creative and/or hilarious enough, I just might use it!
SO START VOTIN’, YA PILLOCKS! I’M OUT! *straps into a jetpack and flies off into the sun*
Edited by Firaga Sensei, 21 May 2016 - 05:25 PM.