Welcome back my pals for another edition of 'Five Questions'! Sorry for the delay, I kinda kept forgetting to write this thing this weekend. I've been swamped with some other things so forgive me. Also we really didn't get that many questions for Roxas either. Shame. But still, the show must go on! And it shall, right now:
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.
Episode IV (9/14/14)
The air was a little uneasy this week, mostly because of the fact that Aladdin kicked the cast and I out of our studio in Hollywood or Japan or whatever. We were now filming in a less extravagant studio located in… you know what, I don’t really think that it needs to be said. We never really knew where we were filming in the first place. All we know is that this place is a lot shittier.
But anyways, the cast got ready to shoot and in the host’s place this week was one of my favorite members of the cast: Roxas. He had blonde spiky hair and wore a black zipped jacket over a white unzipped jacket with beige and black pants and red and black strapped shoes. He also had a black and white checkered wristband on his left wrist and two pieces of tape wrapped around his index and middle finger, one white and one black.
The camera started rolling and while Roxas was composed, he also looked like he was very serious. I could tell that whatever he was going to say was going to involve Aladdin and our new location.
“The feud continues… its us versus the world. Against the wishes of Aladdin, we are here again. And we’ve gone so low budget, that I’m next to catering. So you’re gonna hear plates, conversation, and we may even have a mysterious guest!” Roxas ranted, exaggerating our situation but still painting a good picture of how bad we have it right now.
“Why, because they hate us. But we don’t hate you. This is the one place where the printers can print, and we can just sit down. If you’re at work: click on, act like you’re doing something, but watch “Five Questions”. If you’re a kid: maybe you’re supposed to be doing algebra. Get on and watch “Five Questions”. It’s ten minutes of your life… that you can escape! And get the answers to existence!” Roxas boldly stated, holding up the papers in his hand. “This is good stuff here. And I commend you for tuning in. In our anti-internet campaign, I start off the greatest Five Questions in the world. Suit up, friends,” Roxas once again stated boldly, catching many the attention of various cast members as well as the audience.
“Question one, from OogityBoogity. He writes, ‘Recently, there was a fight between Zola and Shana09 during a KH13 event. Have you ever-‘ …” Roxas stopped speaking and paused for a moment. “I heard about the fight at the KH13 event…” He confirmed, sighing to himself. “The next question here is, uh, I-I built it up too big. I did, I uh, I claimed earlier that these would be the greatest five questions in the world. But, here’s a guy… writing in to me… asking if I’ve ever had a fight with another KH cast member…” Roxas looked to the side, his eyes hidden by his hair before turning back.
“What the f*ck is that that? Really?” He said, chuckling a little, but then raised his voice as he said, “This is what I do! I’m here! I mean, me and the other guys spend ten minutes out of the week with you guys just shooting the shit and relaxing, you know, cooling out in the cut, maybe we throw a fit, get a little crunk. Do a little somethin’…” Roxas then began moving around trying to act, as the kids call it, “gangsta” for a bit, but then stopped and went back to his rant: “But besides that I fight! Every fricking day! And I wish I could fight you but I never have!” Roxas said backstage, pointing to Xemnas of course. “But someday we will. Someday we’re gonna have a, uh, uh, w-we’ll take down to Pier Six! We’re skipping over Pier Five but we’re not quite getting to Pier Seven… ‘cuz they’re tough bastards over there.” Roxas then looked back at this papers.
“But the question asked here is ‘Have I ever gotten into a fight with another KH cast member and who was it’? … I won’t even field that question… play the damn games. Or at least pay attention to current events. But if I could somebody I haven’t fought… it would be Xemnas,” Roxas said, once again looking at his former boss. “And after I kick the holy shit out of him, Aladdin, you bitch, I’m coming for you!” Roxas added fiercely, looking straight at the camera. “Put your dukes up! We’ll go thirties style if you want, I got Jack Johnson and Tim ‘O Leary right here for ya!” Roxas baited, raising his fists up to the screen. “I’ll fight you any day you want, too, ‘Mr. King Of The Internet’. ‘Mr. Internet Cool’. ‘Mr. Doctor Of Style 2014’! Except you’re from Jersey… and you don’t know what’s cool…” Roxas began dwindling down in terms of intenseness. “Dammit!” Was his last line. He then asked if he fully answered the question and if we could move on, to which Ansem told him he did and he could.
“Okay, so, moving on. Question two, from ventusluv006. He asks, ‘Why did you say ‘Who else will I have ice cream with?" Was that really all you had to say to Xion?’ Well, yes, that was all I had to say to her. I mean, what else did you want me say? That I loved her? That I wanted her? That I wanted to give her the old one-two, maybe ‘cure her chest cold’, is that what you wanted?! If so, then all of you people out there can eat me… yeah. I mean, first off, it was scripted, so I didn’t even mean any of that, I was just playing the part. Xion, the woman in question, is sitting over here drinking coffee!” Roxas pointed out backstage, where Xion was sitting down in a chair, and indeed drinking coffee. She also appeared to be a bit camera shy.
“And second off, as far as my character goes: … its a metaphor. The ice cream is a metaphor for our friendship. The sense of… unity and trust that only me and my pals had was brought together by the face that we all ate ice cream on the damn tower together!” Roxas then slowed down for a second and began to speak more calmly. “I’m not stupid people. No, I’m not, I read and listen to everything you say, whether you’re somebody that wants me and Xion to be together, or if you’re just a smart ass trying to poke fun at me and the script… but you know what? I’m done with it. Because as far as I’m concerned, I shouldn’t have to put up with this nonsense anymore. If you have a complaint about that one measly line in one game, then send all your concerns to the man who wrote it, not me. And while you’re at it, ask him if I’m gonna be playable in KHIII or not.” Roxas finished and shuffled through his papers once more.
“Question number three, from GaryMFOak. I had a neighbor named Gary once… he moved away. He had an old school Mustang II… like the Cobra IIs, the ones that were worthless. It was always breaking down. My mom gave him a jumpstart once. She gave him something else too…” Roxas said, trailing off and trying to recollect his memory.
“Let’s not go there,” a snarky voice from backstage said, the voice belonging to Braig.
Roxas immediately whipped his head around towards Braig. “I was talking about a cup of sugar!” Roxas said defensively.
“I bet that sugar was really sweet, too,” Braig continued to mock, which only made Roxas angry.
“The hell are you talkin’-… oh, you s-how dare you talk about my mother like that?!” Roxas boomed, with Braig just laughing it off. “You can put Braig-Braig is on the list of people I’m gonna fight,” Roxas said to the camera. “… That ain’t right-oh, okay what, okay what, he’s making fun of my mother and I’m just supposed to move on, I’m not even supposed to put it over?” He then asked Xemnas, who was egging him to continue to the question.
“You know what, what if I made fun of your mom, would that get us to fight? ‘Cuz I’ll make fun of her right now. I will,” Roxas joked, swinging his arm like he was ready to throw a punch. Xemnas again waved it off and just told Roxas to drop it and move on. “I hate you,” was Roxas’s response. “But, Braig, I-I-I’m only halfway sour on you, only halfway… because you’re a smart guy.”
“I know I am,” Braig said, inflating his ego.
“Ahem. Gary says, ‘I’m a huge ‘Survivor’ fan. Have you ever watched the show? If so, do you think you can handle the challenge of being stranded on an island with strangers so you could win the million dollars?’ I haven’t really seen the show, I know the concept. I would be horrible. Folks, I’m domesticated… yes, I like the simple things in life: cars, cold beer, nice slow bar with a pool table and a jukebox, the strip club, and once in a while a good medium rare steak, but I need these things… to survive. I would hop off that island and swim for shore. That’s it. I’d lose, I’d be the first one off, I’d say ‘vote me off, I’m done, this is it, I can’t do it’. My hat’s off to the people on ‘Survivor’, I see the stuff that they go through… its brutal. I couldn’t do it, I’m fully a slave to society. I’m domesticated. Count me out of the million dollars, it just wouldn’t happen… but is there a way to get Xenmas stranded on an island with Aladdin? Maybe we can get a show outta that,” Roxas joked, causing many of the cast members to chuckled (except of course for you-know-who).
“Question number four. DroolyMooly says, ‘I saw ‘The Da Vinci Code’ reboot this weekend, and it was okay. It seems to stir up some controversy just like the last one did. Have you seen it and what did you think?’ No, I did not see that movie. I was too busy seeing ‘Spying All Wicked!’ One of the most gruesome, disturbing movies of all time,” Roxas admitted, getting a pop from Kairi backstage, as well as a few other people. “You wanna know about ‘The Da Vinci Code’? I’ll tell you about it: I didn’t see it because the Da Vinci Code… is one, two, three, four. Its the same combination that I have on my luggage! … That’s why I didn’t see it! I would rather pay eight bucks or ten bucks or whatever the hell they’re chargin’, get the big over grossed, over buttered popcorn, Raisinettes, Goobers, jujubes, gummy bears, a Coke the size of a backpack, and watch a chick swallow a cell phone!! … Where could you see people getting mangled with hooks? ‘Spy All Wicked’. That’s where. I beat Da Vinci up in junior high, stuffed him in his own locker and changed his code. And he’s trying to get out, so he’s making a whole damn movie about himself. Alright? Yeah, sure he can paint… but what does he know about ripping people’s eyeballs out, huh? Huh??” He said, looking over to Kairi who was a little thrown back by Roxas’s rant. Roxas then starting laughing, trying to sound like a madman, but eventually he lost his breath.
“Breath, Roxas, breath! Geez!” Kairi said, chuckling.
“It’s okay. I’m cool… whoo… just trying to, uh, you know, entertain and what not. Okay then, last question,” Roxas said, holding up his papers. “WhitePond writes, ‘Hey Roxas, Disney has had a lot of great and memorable characters over the years. If you were to be a Disney character, who would you be?” As Roxas read this question he starting getting giddy, and then proceeded to laugh out loud after he read it. “The day is mine! This one’s easy… I would wear a fez… hang out with a monkey, a genie, and a carpet… and spend my time on my computer, ranting like a baby about how the Random section of the forums needs to be more orderly, and on the side, I would entertain ladies by swinging my monkey around, granting them wishes with my genie, and give them all a magic carpet ride… what would I call myself? So many options…” Roxas began rubbing his hands together, the others anticipating his answer. “I think I’ll go with…Ali. Prince Ali. The worst… character… of the entire Disney franchise, of all time!” The cast members began laughing hysterically. For those of you who don’t know, Prince Ali was an alias that Aladdin used in his movie. However, it was also used as a alias for when Aladdin began acting in other films; one such film that Roxas was referencing was of the… adult variety.
“A.K.A. … Aladdin. And for a grizzled four weeks of Five Questions, this is Roxas A.K.A…. Prince Ali, saying… we’re done.” Roxas crumpled the papers into a ball and threw it backstage, over the camera, and then went over to join his follow cast members in the riot he had caused over his last question, while the person they were making fun of… well, you know.
This is definitely going to cause our friend Aladdin to be angry with us. And even if it doesn’t, I have a feeling that the cast members will retaliate no matter how bad his reaction is. To be honest, I don’t blame him. Especially since he didn’t let me move out all my stuff before we had to leave the last studio… so yeah, at this point, all bets are off. Now we just have to wait to see what ‘Prince Ali’ has to say next…
And there you have it. Another week, another opportunity to make Aladdin look stupid. Next week, we're gonna have Roxa's pal Lea take the stage, so please leave some questions for Number Eight of the Organization. Go on now, you know you want to.
Edited by Firaga Sensei, 20 January 2015 - 08:35 PM.