Yes, yes, YES! The return is now! Back by popular demand (sort of), Five Questions is once again on the air and in your face, challenging everybody else on the internet to waste more time that it does! Just to let you know, things are going to be a little bit different this time around. And you'll see one of those things by reading the first episode. But, lets just get to that first. After its done, then I'll talk about the other changes.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit, fan based forum story thingy. Kingdom Hearts and all its respective properties belong to Disney, Square Enix, and Tetsuya Nomura. Some elements of the universe may be changed, some character personalities may be altered or be “quirky”, and some fictional events may be mentioned or discussed all for the sake of comedy. Don't take any of this seriously, its all for fun.
Episode I (8/25/2014)
In a studio, based somewhere in Hollywood... or Japan... or somewhere...
Various people scramble around the studio set as the first episode of the new 5 Questions is about to begin. I sit on my director's chair, as the cameras are turned on and the celebrities are in place, including the host of today's episode: a boy with super spiky brown hair and wearing an all black outfit, sprinkled with red and yellow, consisting of a hoodie, baggy pants, fingerless gloves, and big sneakers.
Seeing that its time to roll, I give the signal for the camera man to start filming, as my host gets ready to speak, papers in hand. The viewer, now, would be seeing a flashy intro movie, complete with graphics and colors about, reading “Five Questions W/ The KH Cast”. After the intro finishes, my friend Sora bursts into emotion:
“Hey, what's up everybody, its your pal Sora here, from Destiny Islands to Radiant Garden, if you have an internet connection... you're here. Why?” He began, raising an eyebrow to the audience after he finished. “Because this is simply... the most important piece of information... on the entire... internet,” Sora was doing very well at sounding sincere yet also hilariously over the top at the same time.
“This is 'Five Questions W/ The KH Cast', where you, the members of KH13.com, send in your questions, and we, the members of the Kingdom Hearts Cast, give you our answers. Sounds fun, right? Believe me, it is. But things can also get a little wacky here and there, and to be honest, I'm surprised you guys are tuning in to see it. We appreciate that. We really do,” Sora said with a smile, causing me and the other cast members to chuckle a bit
“Without further ado, question number one!” Sora said, raising up the papers in his hand. “This is from Keyblade_417... very clever name, I might add, and he says, 'Sora, in Kingdom Hearts III, you have to fight Xehanort and his new Organization'. No kidding. 'The Organization is full of bad guys you fought in the past, some of them you don't even know yet. Do you think this Organization will be even more dangerous than anything else you have faced before and do you feel like the odds are stacked against you?' Well, Keyblade, to be honest, yes. The odds are definitely stacked against me. I mean, we have Old Man Xehanort, who is just on all kinds of badness levels... then you have Braig, who is just a troll, and then Ansem and Xemnas and Lea's friend and all these other goons looking to mess with me too. Its a pretty tall order. And then you have me... just a live hard, fight hard, simple-minded son of a gun who just wants to get in there, kick butt, take a few names, and then go back to my island and hang out with all my friends. Its gonna be one big fish fry out there... and that's exactly what Donald said to Goofy and me before we went into Atlantica for the first time. 'Its gonna be one big fish fry out there'. And it was.” Following that last line, a rimshot could be heard in the background as more laughter ensued and Donald gave an approving nod.
Sora chuckled and continued. “Question number two, from MydeIX. He asks, “Hey Sora, Kingdom Hearts Birth By Sleep and Kingdom Hearts II are my favorite games and I can't wait to play them again in the 2.5 Remix collection'. Glad you're still dwelling on the excitement. 'Your fight with Xemnas was cool, but my favorite fight in the entire series is the fight against Xehanort as Terra'. I'm glad for your unbiased opinion,” Sora said with a little jealousy in his voice. “I mean, you coulda humored me and said that my fight was as good as that one, but you know... 'Xehanort is pretty tough and he can take a lot of punishment for an old man. Do you see yourself at that age taking a beating like that?' No... because as an old man, I will kick your teeth down your throat.” A fair amount of laughter came from me, the cast, and even Sora himself after he said that.
“Because at that time, I will be so grizzled and so upset at the world for making me do probably a bajillion more Kingdom Hearts games... that if somebody even looks at me wrong, I'll be arrested for assault and battery. You can believe that,' Sora said fiercely, straightening out his papers and looking at the camera with a wild but contained look.
From the back, Xehanort complimented on how with age comes wisdom, and Riku shot him down by saying “By wisdom, you mean senility right?” Riku then received a firm smack on the head from Xehanort as he told him to respect his elders. Kairi, also by his side, then face-palmed.
“Moving on...” Sora continued. “From 8DSmiles: 'On KH13.com, they're having a 'King Of The Hill' tournament between the Power Rangers and the Meow Wow Army this Sunday on pay-per-view'. That sounds exciting. 'What if you and the other Kingdom Hearts characters had a tournament with each other?” That sounds like a cool idea. But you know, if we had a King Of The Hill, I think we can make it even more special. Walk with me down potential pay-per-view lane: wouldn't it be cool if we had a 'Clash Of Franchises' King Of The Hill? One one side: Square Enix, with Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy, heck, maybe even TWEWY, and on the other side: Disney and all of its toughest players.
Sora then began counting off his roster for each side. For SE, he chose himself, Riku, Cloud, Leon, and Neku. For Disney, he chose, Mickey, Beast, Hercules, Jack Skellington, and Tron.
“And then in one night, where you will pay to see them all duke it out!” Sora exclaimed, now getting every hyperactive. “Friends face off against one another, and maybe we see upsets where, lets say, Riku is beaten by Tron-” Riku then interjects saying that Sora would lose to Tron and not him. “Oh no, you would lose to Tron, trust me,” Sora shot back, messing with his best friend as the cast and I laughed at Riku's pouting face.
“Anyways, you'd see stuff like that, and then at the end of the night, the best of the best from each brand square off... to see who would be...” Sora started to gaze off to the side as he said this: “The Virtual Video Game Superbowl Grand Master Champion!” Sora stared for a few more moments before deeply breathing to himself to further emphasize the importance of the title he just made up, much to our weird-out reactions.
“Heh. Anyways...” Sora got back into focus and shuffled through his papers for the next question. “SelimPride. Such a nice name. Selim asks, “Hey Sora, I read on KH13.com that a new music CD is coming out called 'Kingdom Hearts: Music In The Heart'. Its got some great songs on it, and if you pre-order it now, you can get an autographed trading card of you.'?! Shit!!” Sora exclaimed, surprising even me.
“You realize what this means? This album's gonna sell like crazy, I haven't seen the menu or heard everything on it, but I've heard its going to be a mesh of bands performing modified theme music for me and other people, what's not to love about that?! The bad part of this is... I'm gonna have to sign... like a hundred thousand freaking autographs... because its gonna sell like hotcakes. Like pancakes sell at the International House of Pancakes... dark days are coming for me, folks. And I thank you Mr. Nomura for giving me a short name, but a long sense of...” Sora quickly looked down at his pants for a second. “Personal well-being. I thank you sir.” Sora said, giving a quick bow to the camera.
“Did Sora really just say that?” Kairi then asked Riku.
“Yeah, he did. Still, I bet his sense of personal well-being isn't as big as mine. Am I right?” Riku responded, with Kairi simply face-palming once more. Riku tried asking again, but only received a punch in the arm by Kairi, Riku's short “Ow!” being heard almost through the camera's audio.
Sora continued: “Like I said before, I don't know the full details, but the album is going to be great. Because anytime we can get outside musicians who are pro-active about this franchise, who love this franchise, ala Linkin Park and their rap/rock song for Roxas, or even Seether doing a hard edge theme for Lea, come on people. The music is always quality and they get the message, they get the message that we want to send to you!” Sora cried, pointing straight at the camera. He then looked back at his papers. “And she also asks when my next CD is coming out. Good question, when is my next CD coming out?”
For those of you who don't know, Sora released a music CD called “Sora: Head In The Clouds”, a rap CD featuring him and other artists like Goof Dogg, Dr. Xay, Lil' Payne, Wakka Wakka Flame, and even Daisukenojo “Beat” Bito. Surprisingly, it was a huge success.
“Okay, so we've already getting music for the CD, and this is breaking news by the way. This is something you usually get on one of those mysterious third-party websites that you can't really trust. Anyways, we've started getting music for this... but give me some time, alright? I do have the daunting task of starring in Kingdom Hearts III, and uh, the movie “The Islander” is coming out, starring me, and uh... maybe something else on the silver screen, also, is in the works, another breaking piece of information right here on Five Questions. But we're still going to do some music. When that comes out is a coin flip. Give me some time, I'll have more info for you, but we are starting, the wheels are turning.”
Sora then shuffled through his papers once more. “Last question. This is from Ice Cream_SS. He writes, 'Hey Sora, I have a question about your Twitter page.'” Sora then began groaning. “See this? This is some frustrating stuff right here. But, we gotta go on with it.” Sora sighed. “'I really enjoy reading your personal blog-' Man, what kind of word is 'blog'? You know? It sounds gross, like 'I gotta go take a blog', or 'Ooh, its gonna be a really tough blog.' I mean, who came up with that?”
Then from the back, Ansem The Wise, 5 Question's audio engineer, informed Sora that the word “blog” was a combination of the words “web” and “log”.
“Web log?” Sora asked for clarification, which Ansem confirmed again. “Web, log? Yeah okay, but 'blog' is like 'blog'! Bleeeeeh... blog, that's horrible. But AW, thanks for the info. You always got answers for stuff like this.” The camera than switched over to one pointing in Ansem's direction, to which the robed man wearing headphones quickly waved and smiled to the audience before chuckling at Sora's praise over him.
“I mean, we only have five answers, but Ansem has 'em all. He just rattles 'em off,” Sora added. Then Ansem gave him the number “2.3478”, claiming it was an answer to question he hadn't asked yet.
“Okay, yeah. See, folks, to a question I haven't even asked yet. Its amazing, I swear. I'm probably gonna ask him that in like two weeks or something” Then one of the cast members backstage got annoyed and yelled at Sora to keep the show moving.
“Hey, don't-don't tell me to keep it going, don't tell me to keep it moving! We are the presence of genius! 2.3478, the answer to a question that I haven't even asked!” Sora repeated, now looking at the man with a strange face. The cast member simply told him something that the camera audio could not pick up.
“... I freaking hate you,” Sora said. “I really do. One of these days, we're gonna have an old fashioned melee. A donnybrook, a have-it-out, a pier sixer! And whether I'm standing or not, I will go down swinging!” Sora said, exaggeratedly moving his hands and arms as he talked. “You guys know who I'm talking to right now.” Sora then said to the audience and then pointed backstage to the person in question. “That stupid son of a bitch!” The man then asked if Sora was going to say his name aloud and embarrass him. “You know what, no. No, I'm not bringing your government name into this. Not gonna give you the press time, Captain F*cking Battleship! Andrew F*cking Cherenknov! Inspector Kenji F*cking Murasame! Leo-F*cking-Mon!” Sora concluded, throwing his hands in the air. “I hate you! Stop it, I'm getting to the question cuz it's very important. It-its just that right now, I might have excuse myself to take a blog.”
The cast member then piped down, but wore a disgruntled expression. The man in question of course was Xemnas, who seemed to have a problem with Sora praising his former teacher Ansem.
Sora then cleared his throat and went on: “I enjoyed reading your blogs, however, your account has been deactivated and is now somebody has it, it seems. Will you be back on Twitter?” Guys, you're getting this straight from me, the long of the short of it is: everybody on Twitter knows that I read everybody's tweets to me as fast as I can, because you know, you gotta do like ten at a time... its tough, but everybody's in and everybody is allowed to say anything, I'm never one-sided about any topic. I'm open to comments, questions, suggestions... anything! So there are people who say 'Hey Sora, you're a good kid, don't ever change, best friends forever, we finally made it, have a great summer!'... and then there are those who say, 'You are a piece of shit.' And that's okay! That's what freedom of speech is all about! That's what the interweb is for too... well that and, uh, porn... according to Riku.” Sora then looked backstage as Riku was simply grinning. Sora gave him a sarcastic nod and went back to the camera.
“Yeah, anyways, this is what happened: some guy who I can't quite find out because I'm not that good with computers or blogs hacked into my account, got my password, didn't like me too much I guess, and shut it down. Fortunately, another guy, who is a Kingdom Hearts fan and thankfully a fan of me too, picked up my URL and is operating it right now and he's gonna give it back. So will I be back on Twitter? Hell yes! I will not let the evil geeks deprive me of my constitutional amendments! Those being freedom of internet assembly and freedom of internet speech. The site will be back up, and more Photoshopped pictures of my face on the bodies of body builders will be there for your enjoyment! Just give me some time... just give me some time.” Sora said with a lot of gusto in his voice, tapping his wrist like he had a watch on.
“And with that, we are done with the first episode of 5 Questions. Things didn't get too crazy, but believe me, in the future... they will. They definitely will. But, we'll have a good time too, so make sure to tune it. 'Okay then, that's all folks!” Sora cried, crumpling up the papers he had into a ball and throwing it to the side of the camera. “'Til next time, I'm gone, and I still hate you!” He yelled towards Xemnas, pointing with both fingers. He then gave Xemnas a look before blowing a raspberry and running off, much to the enjoyment of the cast. Sora and Xemnas themselves even got a laugh out of it.
And here we have it. One episode down, hopefully a bunch more to go. You noticed all the fake usernames and made up questions right? That's the thing: I've decided that overall, each episode is going to be more heavily scripted so I focus on bringing the comedy and the randomness and all the other good stuff a lot better. However, I will still be accepting fan questions, but I'll only do probably one or two per episode from now on. So anyways, next episode we have Riku hosting, so drop some questions for him. See you guys then, and here's to Five Questions making its glorious return!
Edited by Firaga Sensei, 13 January 2017 - 12:00 AM.