Grotesquery 603 Posted August 11, 2014 Part I Entry #1, January 4th 01 AG How long has it been since I did something like this? A year, maybe? It probably just feels that way. These last few… months? Days, even… all of them have been the longest of my life. It feels like my last journal entry was a lifetime ago. Father told me that it would be healthy to write my feelings down in a journal again, even when considering what happened last time. I think he just doesn’t want me to keep everything bottled up inside. Because he’s been so strong these last few months, I’ve decided to honor his wishes. No matter how much it hurts. Every time I write down a new word I feel a burning pain inside my chest, because I’m reminded of the way things used to be. I keep telling myself that this is what’s best, but that doesn’t make the pain go away. I suppose the only thing I can do is take everything one step at a time and try not to think about it too hard. Entry # 2, January 5th 01 AG Dad said I didn’t have to leave home, but I knew he was just trying to convince himself of that. I could tell, deep inside, he knew what I felt. There’s nothing left for me there anymore. Any semblance of normalcy died away a long time ago. I’ve tried moving on, acting like everything’s the same. But it isn’t. There’s a hole there that can never be filled and I’m not going to pretend like I can live with it anymore. I don’t have anything left. Just this burning pain and a confused drive for something I can’t begin to understand. I don’t even know what I’m striving for; all I know is that I need answers. Once I accepted that, I realized it was time to become a different person. The first thing I needed to do was involve myself in my Mother’s work. Now, I never really had a passion for her profession, I merely found it admirable. But that doesn’t matter now. I don’t care what I have to go through, whether it’s heaven or hell. I will have the ending I deserve. Entry #3, January 14th 01 AG I’ve arrived at the Academy today, and thought I’d record a few details regarding what’s happened. While today was merely initiation, a slow start to get us into the swing of our new lives, I still couldn’t help but feel uneasy. If I was expecting anything from this school, it certainly wasn’t what I got. Things started off well enough. The headmaster cordially introduced himself personally to all the new students. As a side note, I couldn’t help but feel surprised at just how many people were accepted here; from what I’ve heard, this is a rather prestigious academy. The headmaster seemed a bit jarring at first, not anything like what I envisioned. His words were strange, stagnant, almost robotic. He spoke of how we all lacked initiative and drive, how we were a waste of time. From my eyes, it seemed as though he was trying to provoke us with his words, trying to give us a standard to strive for. An interesting approach, but I imagine he merely served to confuse most of the starting class. After initiation, I was shown my dormitory. While the school does not require us to live on student grounds, I was glad enough that they offered housing. Spending another day at home would have been agony. Surprisingly enough, the dormitories were co-ed. Not as if it made much difference; they were large enough to house a single student in each of their rooms. I can say I’m glad that I don’t have anyone to distract me though; I’d rather not make any friends here. And at the very least, I can write in peace. Entry #4, January 26th 01 AG Things are going rather smoothly. At least, about as much as I could ask for. My classes are basic and relatively simple enough to work through, so I can guess all of us are still in a stage where the school is attempting to ease its students into the program. Some of those students seem to be struggling, however. Not due to lack of intelligence or talent, mind you, but simply determination. Our classes, while trivial, are all consuming. I can imagine that most those who lack the discipline to work through all the material in a timely manner will drop out before next semester, because they simply don’t have the commitment to follow through. The first few weeks have been grating, there are too many childish and overly optimistic students plaguing the halls. I’m not saying those are inherently terrible qualities, but I know that with mindsets like that, they won’t last long, unless their devotion is unshakable. For me, there was obviously no question. I see a few spare people now and again who I can tell feel the same way. It’s a stark contrast; one that I hope persists. Needless to say, I feel more comfortable in the company of people more akin to myself. It’s likely that I won’t be recording my days in the journal on an annual basis, as I did before. For one, I would like to focus on my studies, and secondly, I’ll have little of significance to speak about after this. I’ll see when I can update this journal most conveniently. Until that time, I will need to attend to other matters. Entry #5, February 27th 01 AG I’ve begun contact with one of my Mother’s former co-workers. Apparently, he received word from my father regarding what I plan to spend the foreseeable future dedicated to. Put lightly, he does not approve of my decision. I’m not sure why, but he was rather adamant that this was a fool’s journey. I promptly informed him that nothing would shake my resolve at this point, yet he refused to back down himself. Our conversation ended badly, yet he did give me a number which I could use to get in touch with him if need be. I gave him my own in turn, and he promptly went on his way. The fact that he was willing to travel such a distant to see me for such an apparently mundane reason proves that he isn’t telling me something. I’m not sure what, but I’ll get the truth out of him eventually. No matter the cost. Entry #6, May 3rd 01 AG *This entry has unfortunately been restricted by the Collaboration. Due to the divulgence of sensitive personal information, it is no longer available for public browsing. Thank you for your patience and understanding.* Entry #7, May 27th 01 AG Not enough time to explain everything. The final test went fine. Need to make some modifications. Have to decide where I’ll stay for summer. Need to make a few calls. Entry #8, June 25th 01 AG After my stay at the academy, I was forced to return home. Unfortunately for me, the school I’m currently enrolled in doesn’t offer summer courses, and by extension, summer housing for students. When returned to my family, I was greeted with the same kind of desolation I anticipated. My youngest sister was still in shock, which was understandable, given what she’s been through. The middle child, my other younger sister, was more accepting of what had transpired. And as a result, she was less than kind towards me. Our father tried his best to mediate between us, but I don’t believe anything could have fixed that rift now. I made my choice when I left for the academy, and that can never be taken back. It’s hard to accept, but I figure that so long as that’s true, nothing will ever be settled between us. However, what hurt more than anything was the thought that my youngest sister would feel the same way once she came to terms with what happened. That’s why I couldn’t bear staying there any longer. Losing the bond with my first sister was hard, but we never really saw eye to eye in the first place. Losing the love of the youngest would make everything all the more agonizing; out of everyone, she may have been the one I cared for most. It hurt to see her in so much pain, but it would hurt even more to see her come to hate me as her older sister does. For that reason, I’ve resolved to never come back, at least not for the foreseeable future. Dad understood my reasoning. While he never approved of my choices either, he still supported me, despite how much pain I had caused. One of my greatest regrets walking this path is knowing that I’ll most likely never become a man like him. I remained at the house for about 2 weeks, before deciding that I had to leave. My father arranged for me to stay with my uncle during the rest of summer, and he even managed to convince him to house me for the rest of my seasons away from the school, if need be. I can’t say I’m surprised things were able to work out this way, though. My uncle is rarely ever at his home, as his job commonly demands he work in the field. I’m currently on the way to stay with him. Since this whole process is starting to feel like a waste of time, I probably won’t write anything else in this journal unless I find it absolutely necessary. Entry #9, October 26th 02 AG Roughly two nights ago, I received a call from the man described in my fifth entry. I had nearly forgotten him, and for a good reason; we haven’t spoken since. After our first meeting, I tried to contact him, but to no avail. Needless to say, to have him call me at such an unexpected time was jarring. He sounded much more relaxed than last time we met, however. It seems he’s come to terms with what I plan on doing. He offered me an ultimatum. He said that he would answer any of my questions so long as I swore to leave everything that had happened behind me and just return home. It was a tempting offer, to be sure. One I may have even agreed to had he posed it when we first met. But I’ve come too far to let things be solved so simply. I needed to find the answer for myself, because that drive was all I had to live for anymore. Once he understood this, there was a long silence. He said, with a very noticeable hint of sadness in his voice, that he was afraid I would say something like that. He finished briefly by saying that a package would be arriving for me shortly. Just earlier today, I received the package he mentioned. My Mother’s journal. He included a note saying that the journal probably wouldn’t answer any of my questions, but may help me understand why my Mother did the things she did. I’ve already read through it, and can say it neither answers my questions nor helps me to gleam any further understanding of why this has happened. But… I’m glad I have it. If nothing else, it’s for purely sentimental reasons, yet I was still happy to read through it. I feel like it’s a part of mom that I still didn’t know about, a part that I can experience one more time. I can’t help but feel like she’s here, speaking to me through this book. She doesn’t mention anyone else, so maybe this is what she intended to happen. If she did this to try and make me feel better, I suppose it worked, if only for a little bit. I’ll read through it again and see if I missed anything. Entry #10, May 30th 03 AG As of this writing, I’ve read through the journal roughly seven times. Nothing’s gained any clarity at all. I’ll have to retire it as a possible source of information. First term graduation was a couple of days ago. I managed to pass most of my classes with little relative difficulty, which shouldn’t surprise me as I’ve heard the second terms are where prospective students are truly tested. The most difficult parts of these last three years have been ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *The preceding statements are under level 3 restriction.* I can expect more of that in the coming months. But to be frank, that’s not what worries me. This profession is a team based endeavor. Our first term is intended to prepare us singularly, so that we can ultimately fend for ourselves. The second is meant to see how we function in a team centered environment, where we are evaluated for another three years based on our performance and ultimately relegated to pre-selected units that best coincide with our personalities. I’m not going to pretend like I’m a social person. I’m not exactly shy, nor do I despise the company of others, I just don’t like getting other people involved in my life at this point. I’m not sure how things will unravel in these next few years, but I can at least say that no matter what happens it won’t tarnish my determination. At the very least, I can take solace in knowing that. After the closing ceremony, I was approached by the headmaster. Apparently, word of my journaling got around these last few years. He asked if he could have a copy to put in regulation for the higher-ups in the educational system to study, and determine ways to improve their teaching methods. Word of my habit must have been inflated, as rumors often are. I don’t believe they understand yet that this journal is likely too bare to serve them any practical use. All the same, I didn’t hesitate to accept the offer. If anyone else can benefit from my work, I’m not just going to deny them. I suppose I should be more careful with personal information like this, but they informed me that anything too implicit would be edited. Even so, I doubt that much of this journal is anything worth hiding regardless. I’ll be sending them the journal shortly after this entry, as I see little use for it much longer. If the urge strikes me, I’ll find a new one and start chronicling my life beyond this point once I arrive at my second term academy. Entry # 11, May 31st 03 AG I can’t believe they did this. It’s sickening… I know she’s been having trouble coping with what’s happened, but this isn’t the answer. I don’t care if it’s working. I have to stop this. *The remainder of the journal is empty. The Collaboration received this document roughly 2 weeks after the final entry was recorded. The student Alexander was recorded as registering in our advanced courses as planned the following semester. 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