I'm Trying To Be Better

[Firaga 5,947]

As I've said numerous other times before, I don't really go to this side of the forums because I'm not really one to really open up about my personal life or anything like that. Still, I've been a little frustrated with some things in my life recently so I just kind of wanted to get some things out. Forgive me if this sounds rambly, it's very late and I'm very tired, but I just really need to get this out.

 

I just want to say that if you're someone who feels like I'm a bit of a nuisance or I've just cause some kind of altercation with you or other people in the past... I'm sorry. I really am. I don't think I've really had the best reputation around here if I'm perfectly honest. I mean sure, I try and paint myself as the funny guy who makes lame jokes and does role-plays and writes really random crap and stuff, you know, someone when everybody knows and enjoys being around with. But more I look back at the stupid things I've done and the arguments I've had and the many people I feel like I have hurt... the more I realize that I'm just not very good person to be around.

 

I come off as someone who wants to feel superior to everybody, no matter what it is, and well cause any amount of fuss or agitation just to get my way.

 

I really do try to be good. I'm at a point in my life where I don't have much of an excuse either. I'm freaking 21. I have to be better than this. Hell, I NEED to be better than this... but I'm just not.

 

No matter how hard I try I make the same mistakes, I hurt the same people, and the cycle just keeps continuing until those people get sick of me and leave my stupid ass for good.

 

That's NOT who I want to be. I want to be the guy who people can be with a feel like they don't have ANY problems. Kind of person that people can feel safe and comfortable with.

 

But maybe I'm just not comfortable with my own self. Maybe despite everything I've experienced and actually learned from in life, I'm still at a point where I just can't bring myself to be happy with who I am and thus, I can't help but bring other people down too...

 

I'm not saying I have depression. I don't have the need to kill myself or feel worthless or anything like that. I do think there's some good in me and I do think I am worthwhile as a person. But at the same time, I acknowledge that I have flaws and so does everybody else... but when you step back and realize that a certain flaw of yourself has caused you more sadness and frustration then it's warranted, maybe it's time to change.

 

But I can't. I CAN'T freaking change. It's because of me at that an argument starts, continues, and ends. It's because of me that I get asked to not the around certain areas are talk to certain people. I'm ALWAYS the one at fault... and I only realized after it's done that I shouldn't have been the bad guy. I had a chance to walk away to be a better person, and yet, I chose not to. I'm a goddamn idiot who is utterly baffled that I even HAVE friends anymore...

 

Even then, how long am I going to have those friends until they leave me too. When does get to a point where I am just completely alone with only myself to blame?

 

Again, I'm not depressed. I'm just angry with myself. I'm angry that I have to make other people angry. Thank you only stop myself from being angry after the damage is already done.

 

I really am trying to be better, every single step of the way... but as all the affirmation ranting above showed, I don't think I'm doing a very good job.

 

Maybe some of you agree or disagree. I really do feel like I've met so many amazing people just on these forums alone and yet I've caused you so much grief that some you don't even want to talk to me anymore... I dunno. I just figured that getting all these emotions out would be better than just leaving them bottled in...

 

But just to reiterate: I really am sorry for everything I've done. I am very, truly, honestly sorry. I just want to be better. I really do.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Firaga

[Iris 223]

Hey! At least you're tying to change! Making this thread, sharing how you feel and apologising to everyone here is the first step! I know how hard it is to change, but sometimes you need to push yourself or let someone push you to be better! Take me for example, I was a kh13 member before I had this account. I was previously known as Inori (Kirie). I caused some problems here with some members I admit I did some stupid stuff, everyone makes mistakes, like you said everyone have flaws. looking back I was just young and didn't know any better. And...I also, want to apologize for being mean to you in any way in the past.

 

So If you think it's impossible to change, please don't think that way.

 

We will support you in anyway we can.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Neptune

[Felixx 6,646]

Hey man, I’m really sorry to hear about that all. As you mentioned you’re always acting so funny and are making jokes, I didn’t know that you feel that way.

 

I am very much aware that you didn’t have the best reputation on this site because of your argues with other members, but even so I personally never had a problem with you or thought any negatively of you. You’re quite straightforward and honest, you tell people what you really think and are not sugarcoating it, that might lead to the fact that it hurts others feelings but it was always somethint that I respect and somewhat admire.

 

If you really wanna do change yourself and better yourself then I think admitting that to oneself is already the first and a very important step. Because you CAN change, even though you don’t believe in it it anymore. Everyone has the ability to change for the better, you just have to keep trying and trying no matter what. Apologise to your friends when you feel like there’s need to, try to stop yourself from repeating the same mistakes and most importantly; try to love yourself. A few years ago when I was feeling pretty down and just unsatisfied with my own life and myself a friend of mine told me it’s important to love myself first. And for a while I never understood why until I finally managed to achieve that. I feel way less anxious, way less worried and most importantly I actually managed to change for the better cause I just got happier in general. So try to work on that, as hard and unreachable it may seem.

 

To me you’re a really fun guy, you got a good humor and are easy to talk with. And even though we haven’t talked that much I always enjoyed it. You’re very down to earth and already a good person. And I wish you the best of luck with your goal to become a better person. I know you can make it.