Here is a present from me to you, KH13: a very special holiday-themed bonus chapter of “Kingdom Hearts: BullSHIT HD ReMix”.
I figured since both me and my audience are too damn lazy to keep this series afloat, I’d give this series a nice little holiday send off just so it can end on a better note rather than just becoming old and irrelevant… you know, like all my other ideas? Yep…
But now’s not the time to be depressed and lament on the past, now we look towards the present! (G-Get it? Because it’s the present, and this chapter is a present? … Laugh, you monkeys, laugh!)
Okay, without further ado:
|| FIRAGA SENSEI PRESENTS ||
|| KINGDOM HEARTS: BULLSHIT HD REMIX --
A HOLLY, JOLLY BULLSHIT X-MAS SPECIAL ||
“Let us begin,” I said, pulling out an old timey storybook embodied with a festive pattern. I turn a page and clear my throat.
“’Twas the Night before Bullshit Christmas… and all though the worlds… not a creature was stirring… except for Riku, who was lying awake in his bed, wishing he could be as awesome as I am—“
“Wow. It really is a Bullshit Christmas,” said Riku, rudely interrupting.
I shut the book in a huff. “Excuse me! I’m trying to read a story here!”
“Yeah, well what does that have to do with us, anyway?” Kairi, like a dumbass, asked.
“I’m getting to that. Now--“
“And weren’t we just in the Gummi Ship after dealing with that Disney Town stuff?” asked Sora, also like a dumbass. “What are we doing back in the weird white void you always put us in when you’re too lazy to write a description of the background?”
“This is a Christmas special! Continuity doesn’t matter!”
“We had continuity before?” Riku asked.
“Ah, forget it!” I toss the book off to the side, a cry of pain echoing from the background as it had clonked somebody in the head. Sorry, Barry.
“Let’s just cut to the case. Everybody’s here for a wacky Christmas adventure featuring you three dipwads, so let’s just give the people what they want! Put on a little show, do a little dance, spout some quirky lines, maybe add in an explosion, a fight scene, or both times twenty, and afterwards, we all can go home, cry and masturbate, okay?”
“I’m ashamed that I even agreed to do all of this again...” Riku said.
“C’mon Riku, you always make things out to be worse than they actually turn out to be!” Sora said.
“No… no I don’t.”
“… Okay yeah, we’re probably screwed.”
“Too late now! On with the bullshittery! Starting with getting all of you into proper attire!”
With a snap of my fingers, Sora, Riku, and Kairi’s clothes magically change into more appropriate, Christmas-y type ones.
Sora was adorned in the same Tim Burton fever dream version of Santa’s robes that he uses in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix.
“Aw man. I never liked this. It isn’t jolly at all! Who made this anyway?” You’re a JRPG protagonist. You’ll always have a little emo in you. “… Aw.”
“Yeah, well, it’s better than what I just got shoved in,” Riku complained. And come on, it’s not that bad. All I did was dress you up as an elf. “You gave me a skirt! A skirt!” It compliments your thighs. “Rrrgh!!”
Riku then tried ripping off the lovely outfit that I supplied for him, much like a spoiled young whore who tries taking off her brand new ball gag even though I paid fifty five freaking dollars for it at an auction deep down in the bad streets…
“What?” Err, nothing. Anyways, Riku can’t pull off his clothes because all the outfits are stuck on all your bodies until the special is over. “Shit!”
And as for Kairi… well, let’s just say that I thought of an outfit that will be especially titillating for all those male readers out there who want me to describe Kairi in a very tight, alluring, and sexual Christmas outfit that’ll show off all her luscious curves…
“I don’t even know what any of that means,” Kairi said, pulling down the fully detailed hood of her giant, baggy reindeer onesie. Psych! No underage creeping for youuuuu.
And then Javelin had a bitch fit and flipped several tables… I’m not sorry.
Okay, enough shtick: let’s get you three a setting.
“Finally. This white void is starting to creep me out,” Riku said.
“Since this a Christmas special, I can think of only one place where you guys should be sent to.”
“Neverland?” Kairi asked, making my eyebrow twitch.
“… No. Instead, you’ll be going to Christmas Town… in Halloween Town, that is, the actual town of course, not the world, although technically, it’s not so much a “world” world as it is just a gateway to what is essentially the actual world since the setting is comprised of that town plus the doors that lead to other holiday themed settings and supposedly a space that represents the real world, but not like my real world, more like, the, uh…”
I stopped when I realized that Kairi’s eyes were glazed over, as her brain was short-circuiting. Riku gave her bop on the head that reset her system.
“You get the point. Now then: to Christmas Town!”
Another snap of the fingers and the white void that surrounded the trio was then replaced with the snowy outskirts of Christmas Town, occupied only by a small tree, the gateway leading back to Halloween Town, and the small mountain path leading to the town itself, home to the illustrious Santa Claus…
Did I mention they were about 50 feet above that location too?
“What is your deal with setting us up for falling to our dooms?” Riku yelled. And to answer your question: It’s fun. And it’s not like you’re going to die from it. “It still hurts! A lot!”
“Could you at least cut us a break for once? It’s Christmas after all!” Sora whined. But, oh fine, for the sake of Christmas. “Thanks! See, deep down, I always knew you were a stand up gu-“
ZA WARUDO!
Sora was puzzled. “Huh, what—“ Time itself had frozen.
And then, it unfroze. “—was that about?”
This: A giant steamroller then dropped on the trio, guiding them down towards ground level.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!” They all screamed like pussies.
And with a thunderous thud, they landed, the steamroller burying them into the snowy ground.
“I-I’m okay!” Kairi wheezed.
“No you’re not…” Sora argued.
“Yeah, you’re right, I’m not…” Kairi whined.
I then gave them a hand by making the steamroller disappear, allowing themselves to prop up from the snow and start their journey….
… Any minute now.
… Any minute now.
… Uh… uh oh.
We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.
|| FOUR MINUTES OF KITCHEN BOT ADS LATER ||
We now return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit.
So then, how are we feeling, guys?
“YOU’RE A SOCIOPATH!” Riku yelled.
Fantastic. So then, our heroes trudged along towards the city.
“Ugh...” Quit griping!
Ahem… they trudged along towards the city. It was December 24th, and Santa’s elves were abuzz, scrambling throughout the city plaza carrying presents and decorations, making sure that all preparations for the following day would be in order come midnight.
“Wow, these guys sure are abuzz.” I just said that, Sora. “Oops. Sorry.” Moron…
“Still, looks like everybody’s pretty busy. I wouldn’t want us to get in their way,” Riku said. “Of course, knowing you, Captain Insanity, I bet something is going to go wrong just so you can—“
And then, an explosion rang from Santa’s Workshop, blowing out part of the roof and leaving a torrent of flame behind from what appeared to be the toy factory.
“---get us involved.”
Hey, you have to admit, whenever you guys around, it usually means something is or is about to be f*cked up.
“He’s got a point,” Sora agreed. “Let’s head over. Santa might need our help!”
“Right!” Riku and Kairi chimed. The trio jogged over to the entrance to the workshop. Sora and Kairi reached the door, but Riku was stopped by a small elf pulling on his frilly skirt.
“”Ey you, Big Guy! We got a Code-5401 over at the reindeer stables, we need some extra hands to clear it up before Donner and Blitzer start getting’ antsy and cause another riot!” The elf said.
“What? But I don’t work here! I’m not even an elf!” Riku argued.
“Oh yeah? You sure do look like an elf. And don’t be using the ‘oh, I’m too big to be an elf’ excuse neither! We didn’t abolish the height rule for nothing! We’re an equal opportunity band of small-to-mid-height workers now!”
“I’m telling you, I’m not an elf! I’m just wearing a costume. See?” Riku said, trying to pull off his frilly skirt, fluffy hat, and adorable fake ears. “Describing them isn’t helping! And why won’t it all come off?” I already told you, none of it comes off until the special is done. Now get to work, Big Guy.
Riku groaned as he allowed him to be led by his new boss to the reindeer stables. “I’ll catch up with you guys later!”
“Well, I guess it’s just me and you for now, Kairi,” Sora said.
“I wonder what’s going on in there…” Kairi wondered as she and Sora went inside.
In the main lobby, Sora and Kairi encountered Santa Claus, who was feverishly scratching away at a clipboard while elves were constantly running back and forth in and out of the room and back into the factory entrance nearby.
“Mr. Santa!” Sora called, getting the old man’s attention.
“Ah, Sora my boy! Good timing! We’ve been cursed with some great misfortune and we could use your help.”
“We saw the explosion outside. Whatever it is, we’re on it!” Sora said.
“Oh, I see you have a friend with you this time around. Tell me, Miss Reindeer, what is your name?” Santa asked, addressing Kairi the way he did due to her hood being over her head and covering her face.
“Oh me?” Kairi chuckled. “Actually, Mr. Santa Claus—“ Kairi attempted to pull off her hood from her face, but it wouldn’t budge. “Uh… h-hold on a sec.” Another attempt, but it still wouldn’t come off. “What the—“ Kairi then started frantically pulling on the hood’s giant, anthropomorphic nose, but still, to no avail.
“What the heck happened? I can’t get my hood off!” Gee, Kairi. I wonder who did that… “Yeah me too! I’m very upset with whoever did this right now! Humph!” … You know what, never mind. The point is: Kairi can’t take her hood off and will now be confused for an actual reindeer for the rest of this special. Good luck. “Hey!”
“Well uh, anyways, Santa, this here is my new reindeer friend. Her name is… uh…” Sora thought of the names that Santa used for his reindeer so that Kairi’s new name would fit accordingly. What sort of name would he give her that would go along with labels such as Dasher, Vixen, or even Rudolph?
“… Fran. Her name is Fran the reindeer.” Yeah, that figures.
“Fran, huh? I’ve never seen a reindeer like you before,” Santa said. “Tell me, would you be interested in becoming one of my back-up flyers?”
“Uh…” “Fran” stammered.
“With all due respect Santa, me and Fran here should check out the factory now, see what’s up,” Sora said.
“Ah yes, you’re absolutely right. Please go right ahead. I’m counting on you.”
Sora and Fran entered the toy factory. The flaming wreckage created from the aftermath of the explosion was nestled right in the same place as the machines for mass-producing the various doo-dads and whoosy-whatsits. The elves were all in a panic, trying to figure out how to salvage the mess as well as the hopes of all the good little boys and girls from all over.
“Man, these guys are really in a panic.” Again… I just said that. Any more expository notes you’d like to steal or can I move on? “Geez, sorry, I didn’t know.” Yeah, sure you didn’t… anyways…
Two of the elves scrambled over to Sora and Fran.
“Yous is that kid with the big key right? The one who fought Oogie Boogie?” one of them asked.
“Yep, that’s me. I’m Sora! And this is my trusty companion, Fran the reindeer!”
“Reindeer noise!”
“Uh, okay den… er, we needs yous to help us get this place sorted out. Don’t you gots some kinds of gypsy spell or sumthin’ or otha that can help with this here predicament?”
“You mean magic? Sure!” Sora leaped over to the wreckage, Keyblade in hand. Using his Graviga spell, the masses of torn down brick and metal were shoved off to the side. A cleanup crew of elves was put in charge of sweeping it up bit by bit into an incinerator.
As Sora worked, ‘Fran’ was off to the side, not doing much due to her crippling Useless-itis that always seemed to pop up in dire situations.
“Hey! I’m not useless!” Oh yeah? Prove it.
Kairi stomped over to the wreckage spot and pulled out her Keyblade, attempting to use the same Graviga spell that Sora was using.
In response, the tip of her Keyblade coughed out a tiny bit of space matter. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“I’m not useless!” C’mon, kid, there’s no reason to ashamed. Some people are doers, and others are sit-on-their-ass-and-do-nothingers. It’s just the natural order.
“Oh yeah well… what if I find out exactly who caused this mess in the first place?” And how are you going to do that?
Pulling out a magnifying glass, Fran then did some Sherlock Holmes type sleuthing around the area, looking for clues… oh sure, like that’s going to amount to anyth—
“I found something!” Well, I’ll be damned. Show the audience what you found, Fran.
“Here!” She held up a pair of Halloween masks, one shaped like a skull and the other shaped like the Devil’s face. “Whoever was here last left these behind.”
“Hold on a sec,” Sora said, examining the masks. “I know who those belong to: those kids that are always pestering Jack and siding with Oogie Boogie! They’re always up to something nasty. No doubt they’d be responsible for this, too!”
“You idiots, what happened to your masks?” cried a muffled, squeaky voice coming from the back of the room.
“Hey, don’t look at me, I was busy laying down the bombs!” cried another voice from the same direction.
“No, that was my job! You were supposed to be watching the door!” cried yet another voice nearby the other two.
Sora and Fran followed these voices to an auspicious present box hanging out by itself in the corner of the room where nobody could easily see it. How convenient. From inside, more squabbling could be heard.
“Man, this thing sure is a chatterbox!” Sora said, a rim-shot sounding from a nearby elf and his drum set, following shortly by an awkward pause and the sounds of crickets.
“… I’m sorry.” You should be. Anyways, Sora and Fran opened the box, and inside were the culprits. Those dastardly foes that opposed Sora in the past, those pure evil masterminds capable of wonton destruction and pure, unadulterated terror…
… Three little half-pints. Two of which, the boys, were girlishly slapping at each other while the third one, the girl, was trying to separate them. These are our villains, ladies and gentlemen.
“Lock! Shock! Barrel!” Sora cried, alerting the three brats that they had been exposed.
“Uh-oh!” They all cried, quickly scrambling out of the box and across the factory room floor.
“Hey, get back here!” Sora cried.
“You’ll never catch us! Neener neener neener!” Barrel taunted.
“We’ll see about that!” Sora lifted up the box that the three were hiding in. “Kair-I mean, uh, Fran—“
“Do you really have to keep calling me that?” Yes. “Be quiet!”
“I need you to use your powers to round up these guys so I can put them back in this box. Think you can handle it?”
“What? My powers? You mean my Keyblade?” Oh no, young Fran. I believe he’s referring to something much more powerful. “Wait… you don’t mean…” Ohhh yes. “Oh, gosh dangit, I thought we were done making me do that!”
“Come on Fran, this is for the sake of Christmas! You don’t want Christmas to end, do you?”
Fran sighed. “No.”
“Then please, just one more time: use the Rainbow Runs Gun.”
“Fine…” Fran then pulled out a fruit that I materialized in her pocket and ate it whole. Then, she got down on all fours— “What? I’ve never had to do it like that before!” Christmas is on the line, dammit! “Okay okay, geez!” For real now, she got down on all fours and pointed her butt towards the escaping trio, charging up her blast.
“Huh, what are those guys doin’?” Asked Shock.
“What, are they tryin’ to moon us? That’s our job!” Lock argued.
“Yeah, let’s show ‘em how it’s done!” Barrel cried. Both he and Lock then dropped their trousers and shined their small cheeks towards the heroes.
“Let loose, Fran!” Sora commanded. With that, Fran exerted herself and blew a large bullet of compressed rainbows straight at Lock’s exposed ass, knocking him into the nearby wall with a cry of pain.
Sticking to the wall for a brief moment, the little ingrate unstuck and fell to ground level. Sora quickly appeared underneath him and caught him in the box. “Okay, Fran, now we need the other two!”
“O-okay!” Fran called, charging up for another blast.
“Uh-oh!” Barrel cried, noticing that he was next. He struggled to get away, but the trousers around his ankles made him trip up.
Fran fired her next blast, also hitting Barrel upside the ass. He flew straight up into the air. Sora intercepted his path and catching him in the box like a star baseball athlete catches an incoming pop fly in the in zone.
“You’re the last one, Shock!” Sora said.
“Have a heart, why don’t you?” She squealed, frozen in place.
“I do have a heart! You, though, I’m not so sure about.”
“Hey!”
“Get her, Fran!” Fran then shot her last bullet. Shock tried to get away, but this particular shot of rainbow energy had a homing lock-on feature.
“That’s not fair!” Lock cried, running around in a circle while trying to avoid the blast following behind her. But, just like any other n00b, her ass got three-sixty no scoped, allowing Sora to scoop her up in the box, sealing the lid on tight.
“GG, guys. Now then, let’s hand you over to Santa. He’ll know what to do with you. Oh and, how are you hangin’, Fran?”
“My butt hurts sooo muuuch…” Fran whined, laying hunch over with her butt emitting a small stream of light smoke. Um… medic!
|| FOUR MORE MINUTES OF KITCHEN BOT ADS LATER ||
Back in Santa’s office, Sora and Fran handed over the munchkins to Santa.
“Ho-ho-ho, thank you very much, Sora. I’ll make sure to send these kids back home where they belong,” Santa said.
“No problem, Santa. Any time!” Sora said.
Then, in walked our elf friend Riku, having finished his important job with his fellow elves, and for some reason, carrying a very potent smell with him.
“Hey Riku, there you are!” Sora called before the smell injected itself into his nostrils. He along with Fran and even Santa then held their noses in disgust.
“Ew Riku, is that coming from you?” Fran cried. “Where have you been?”
“Apparently, a “Code 5401” is emergency reindeer stable cleansing. Meaning I just spent my time swabbing up reindeer droppings,” Riku said, sounding as though he just had all the life drained out of him.
“Oh wow. That sucks.”
“Yes. Indeed it does. You could almost say, that like me, it stinks.” Uh… in the background, an elf hits a rim-shot on the drum, and then-OH GOD, RIKU’S BEATING THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF IT! OH GOD, WHY RIKU WHY! THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY! OH GOD NO NO NO, DON’T RIP OUT HIS EYESOCKE-JESUS, HE PULLED OUT HIS EYESOCKET! BLOOD IS SQUIRTING EVERYWHERE! THIS IS PURE INSANITY, OH MY GOOO—
|| ONE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SCREEN LATER ||
Whew… huh… okay… got it all out of your system, Riku?
“For the most part.” Okay… okay, good. Now please… don’t ever do that again.
“I make no promises.” Dammit Riku, do you know how expensive it was to scrap that entire poor elf’s body parts into a body bag and ship it off to Dr. Finkelstein so he could attempt to put him back together again?
“You don’t have to pay for anything for this show.” … Oh yeah.
Well anyways, the group is back together again and the crisis is averted. Or so it seems…
“Wait, we’re not done?” Well of course not. You think I’d end off on a boring cliffhanger like that? “It wouldn’t be the first time…” Shut up.
But yes, there’s another problem going on, as Santa explained:
“… Oh, me? Ahem… Sora, Riku, and Fran, I’m afraid that there’s another crisis threatening the stability of Christmas at the moment.”
“And that is?” Sora said.
“Apparently, some of the reindeer got sick because someone accidentally tainted their feed.”
Everyone stares at Riku.
Riku is taken aback. “What? It wasn’t me!” Liar. “Look, I just waded through reindeer shit back at the stables, I didn’t touch their food.”
“Regardless of who did it, now I do not have enough reindeer in order to fly the sleigh. All the good little boys and girls won’t be able to get their presents!” Truly, a tragedy worse than anything else in the world right now…
“That’s awful!” Sora agreed. “Well, whatever we can do, we’ll make sure that you can ride your sleigh tonight Santa. Anything!”
“Hmm… well, your reindeer friend looks like she could help out.”
Fran was taken aback. “Me? But I’m not a—“
“Er, yeah! Sure thing Santa! Fran here is a great sleigh puller. She can get it done in no time!” Sora said.
“Sora!”
“Sora’s right, Mr. Claus, if there’s anybody you can rely on, it’s Fran,” Riku added.
“Riku? You too?”
Riku whispered to Fran, “Look, just go along with it, the sooner we do this, the faster this nightmare of a special is over.” I can hear you, you know. “You don’t even have any ideas planned after this bit, do you?” … You don’t know that.
Anyways, Sora and Riku helped Santa get Fran tied to the sleigh—
“Dangit, I said that I didn’t want to do this! You can’t force me to do something I don’t wan—“
What I meant to say was, Fran went ahead and slapped some duct tape on her own mouth so that she would do a better job at pulling the sleight by not letting all her bitch whining get in the wall.
“Mmph! Mmph mmph mmph!”
Then, Sora and Riku helped Santa tie Fran to the sleigh, slipping a holster onto her body.
“Mmph…”
“Okay Santa, you’re ready to go!” Sora said, he and Riku on the side of the sleight with Santa stationed in the front seat.
“Fantastic! You’ve been a real help Sora, you and your friends. Ho-ho-ho!”
“Well, at least we’re finally done, for the most part…” Riku said.
“Man Riku, I would have never imagined that you’d end up helping as one of Santa’s elves and with his sleigh.”
“Hm? What is that, Sora?” Santa asked.
“You don’t remember what I said about Riku before? When I was a little kid, he told me that you weren’t real.”
“Oh did he…?”
“Well to be fair Mr. Claus, I obviously have to take back what I said given that—“
Santa quickly reached his arm over to grab Riku’s brightly colored collar and pulled him close. “Maybe we should fix that, little elf. I have a little machine stored in the back of my office that I break out for all the bad elves that shirk their responsibilities and stray from believing in Santa…”
Riku looked paler than Santa’s beard color while Sora was just as scared. “Er, Santa? L-Let’s just calm down a little ok—“
“BACK OFF KRINGLE!” Riku screamed, breaking out of Santa’s grip, pulling out a pistol and then shooting him straight in the rib-HOLY SHIT, RIKU!
Santa screamed out in pain as he fell out of his seat and onto the ground below, the side of his waist bleeding red like his signature coat and staining the snow.
“WHAT THE HELL WHAS THAT FOR?” Santa yelled.
“WHAT THE CRUD DID YOU DO THAT FOR RIKU?” Sora yelled.
“HE WAS THREATENING ME, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? HE’S A CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!”
“I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU!”
“AND YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PULLED OUT A GUN, YOU’RE THE CRAZY ONE!”
“AGH, IT JUST HAPPENED, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!”
“QUICK, SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR, SANTA IS DYING!”
God dammit, can we go one Christmas special without someone getting eviscerated in some matter? This is supposed to be a story of innocence and fun!
“You wouldn’t know ‘innocence and fun’ if it smacked you upside the head!” I’m doing my best, Riku! “Well, you suck at it…”
Okay, this is getting ridiculous… I guess now that Santa has been carried off on a stretcher so his gunshot wound can be treated, our “heroes” Sora and Riku will have to fly the sleigh.
“What? How are we gonna fly a sleigh?” Riku whined, not that he has any right to.
“Oh come on, Riku, it’s probably super easy. It’s like riding a Gummi Ship. You never forget!”
“Sora, the last time you took control of our Gummi Ship, you crashed us into a meteor. Four times in a row!”
“Uh… what’s the opposite of beginner’s luck?”
“Brain damage. Anyways, I’m driving.” Riku hopped into the front seat and took the reigns. Sora pouted and took the passenger’s seat.
Holding the reigns, Riku was puzzled. “Wait, how are we going to make Kairi—“
“Fran.”
“Whatever. How are we going to make her fly?”
“Mmph mmph mmph!” Translation: “I dunno either because I’m just a stupid little reindeer, derpy derpy doooo…” “Mmph!” What, that’s what you said.
“Simple, Riku: with her special ability.”
“Mmph?” That’s right folks, once again, Fran the reindeer is going to break out her signature power, the one that everybody knows and loves her for! “Mmph…”
Conceding to the will of Christmas, Fran swallowed her pride (that’s not the only thing she swallows. Hey-ooooh!) and started up her butt for another run with the Rainbow Runs Gun, turning it into the word’s most fabulous turbine.
The small flurry of rainbow particles enough to push them forward, Riku jerked his reigns. “Uh, onward, Fran!” He awkwardly called, Fran running on all fours.
And as they gained speed, Fran found the courage inside (with a little help from Riku constantly whipping her with the reigns) to leap upwards and carry them all with the beams of colors sprouting from her backside in a glorious and triumphant launch to save Christmas!
And then they fell. “Hey!” Just kidding.
Anyways, soon enough, they found themselves in the same town as the one that was shown in the “The Nightmare Before Christmas” movie because I’m sure as Hell not gonna write scenes for every stinkin’ town on this trip.
Also, they only had about a half hour since Sora’s stubbornness about riding the sleigh got the best of them along the way.
“Damn it Sora, thanks to you, now we only have a half hour to deliv-oh wait, you said that already.” Finally! At least somebody understands what my job is!
“Well, I got an idea of how to do it quickly! Instead of slipping down the chimneys, Let’s just chuck all the presents down and hope that they land inside!”
“And what happens if we miss?”
“Then hopefully they’re fine with picking up their presents out of their front or backyards!”
“… Good enough for me! Let’s do it!”
And so, with Fran continuing to bust her ass (literally) and keep the sleigh afloat, Sora and Riku reached into the big bag of gifts in the back of the sleigh and threw all the multicolored wrapped boxes they could into the houses one by one. For the most part, they were on-point. Except for Sora accidently dropping a large box that contained a whole stereo sound system onto a man checking his mail before heading in for the night. Sorry, Dave.
In the midst of their box throwing however, the sound of sleigh bells could be heard. Not their sleigh bells, but an entirely different set ringing from-wait a minute, is that Jack Skellington?
“Hiya, Sora! Busy this time of night too, I see!” Jack called, decked out in his poor man’s attempt at a Santa Claus cosplay and riding his own version of Santa’s sleigh alongside Sora’s and Riku’s while being driven by skeleton reindeer (which I have to admit, look especially kickass).
“Jack? What are you doing here? I thought you were done doing wacky Christmas stuff!” Sora said.
“Who the Hell is this?” Riku asked.
“Oh yeah, this is my friend Jack. I helped him out a couple times before. He’s from Halloween Town.”
“Ah, and you must be the friend that Sora was looking for all this time. Congratulations on meeting up with each other again!” Jack called.
“Yeah yeah yeah, friendship and junk, what I want to know is what the Hell are you doing?”
“Oh, don’t mind me! I heard about what happened in Christmas Town just recently so I decided to lend a helping hand!”
“Uh, that’s nice Jack, but me and Riku already have things covered!”
“I’ll just be heading over to Africa and Switzerland then! I’ll rendezvous with you in Hong Kong and we’ll go from there! Merry Christmas!” Jack said, riding his sleight away from the trio and proceeding to go make things worse. Again.
Sora sighed. “It pains me to say this but… Riku, you still got that gun?”
“Say no more.” Riku then pulled out the same gun he used to shoot Santa and, with pinpoint accuracy, shot Jack in the back of the head, sending him and his sleigh crashing down below. Don’t worry folks, he’s immortal.
With Jack out of the way, Sora, Riku, and Fran finished their journey, delivered all the presents without a hitch and rode their sleigh back to Christmas Town.
“Really? That’s it?” Sora asked.
“Told you he was out of ideas…” Leave me alone, I’m tired!
So then: our heroes were victorious, the gifts were delivered, and Christmas was saved.
And we heard Sora and Riku exclaim as they drove out of sight: “Merry Bullshit Christmas to all, and to all a shitty night!”
“Mmph mmph, mmph mmph!” Oh all right Fran, I’m taking the tape off, so you can say something too. “Thank you. Now as I was saying… YOU BETTER FIND YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER BECAUSE WHEN I’M OUT OF HERE, I AM COMING FOR YOU, YOU BIG STUPID—
MERRY F*CKING CHRISTMAS!
Here is a present from me to you, KH13: a very special holiday-themed bonus chapter of “Kingdom Hearts: BullSHIT HD ReMix”.
I figured since both me and my audience are too damn lazy to keep this series afloat, I’d give this series a nice little holiday send off just so it can end on a better note rather than just becoming old and irrelevant… you know, like all my other ideas? Yep…
But now’s not the time to be depressed and lament on the past, now we look towards the present! (G-Get it? Because it’s the present, and this chapter is a present? … Laugh, you monkeys, laugh!)
Okay, without further ado:
|| FIRAGA SENSEI PRESENTS ||
|| KINGDOM HEARTS: BULLSHIT HD REMIX --
A HOLLY, JOLLY BULLSHIT X-MAS SPECIAL ||
“Let us begin,” I said, pulling out an old timey storybook embodied with a festive pattern. I turn a page and clear my throat.
“’Twas the Night before Bullshit Christmas… and all though the worlds… not a creature was stirring… except for Riku, who was lying awake in his bed, wishing he could be as awesome as I am—“
“Wow. It really is a Bullshit Christmas,” said Riku, rudely interrupting.
I shut the book in a huff. “Excuse me! I’m trying to read a story here!”
“Yeah, well what does that have to do with us, anyway?” Kairi, like a dumbass, asked.
“I’m getting to that. Now--“
“And weren’t we just in the Gummi Ship after dealing with that Disney Town stuff?” asked Sora, also like a dumbass. “What are we doing back in the weird white void you always put us in when you’re too lazy to write a description of the background?”
“This is a Christmas special! Continuity doesn’t matter!”
“We had continuity before?” Riku asked.
“Ah, forget it!” I toss the book off to the side, a cry of pain echoing from the background as it had clonked somebody in the head. Sorry, Barry.
“Let’s just cut to the case. Everybody’s here for a wacky Christmas adventure featuring you three dipwads, so let’s just give the people what they want! Put on a little show, do a little dance, spout some quirky lines, maybe add in an explosion, a fight scene, or both times twenty, and afterwards, we all can go home, cry and masturbate, okay?”
“I’m ashamed that I even agreed to do all of this again...” Riku said.
“C’mon Riku, you always make things out to be worse than they actually turn out to be!” Sora said.
“No… no I don’t.”
“… Okay yeah, we’re probably screwed.”
“Too late now! On with the bullshittery! Starting with getting all of you into proper attire!”
With a snap of my fingers, Sora, Riku, and Kairi’s clothes magically change into more appropriate, Christmas-y type ones.
Sora was adorned in the same Tim Burton fever dream version of Santa’s robes that he uses in Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix.
“Aw man. I never liked this. It isn’t jolly at all! Who made this anyway?” You’re a JRPG protagonist. You’ll always have a little emo in you. “… Aw.”
“Yeah, well, it’s better than what I just got shoved in,” Riku complained. And come on, it’s not that bad. All I did was dress you up as an elf. “You gave me a skirt! A skirt!” It compliments your thighs. “Rrrgh!!”
Riku then tried ripping off the lovely outfit that I supplied for him, much like a spoiled young whore who tries taking off her brand new ball gag even though I paid fifty five freaking dollars for it at an auction deep down in the bad streets…
“What?” Err, nothing. Anyways, Riku can’t pull off his clothes because all the outfits are stuck on all your bodies until the special is over. “Shit!”
And as for Kairi… well, let’s just say that I thought of an outfit that will be especially titillating for all those male readers out there who want me to describe Kairi in a very tight, alluring, and sexual Christmas outfit that’ll show off all her luscious curves…
“I don’t even know what any of that means,” Kairi said, pulling down the fully detailed hood of her giant, baggy reindeer onesie. Psych! No underage creeping for youuuuu.
And then Javelin had a bitch fit and flipped several tables… I’m not sorry.
Okay, enough shtick: let’s get you three a setting.
“Finally. This white void is starting to creep me out,” Riku said.
“Since this a Christmas special, I can think of only one place where you guys should be sent to.”
“Neverland?” Kairi asked, making my eyebrow twitch.
“… No. Instead, you’ll be going to Christmas Town… in Halloween Town, that is, the actual town of course, not the world, although technically, it’s not so much a “world” world as it is just a gateway to what is essentially the actual world since the setting is comprised of that town plus the doors that lead to other holiday themed settings and supposedly a space that represents the real world, but not like my real world, more like, the, uh…”
I stopped when I realized that Kairi’s eyes were glazed over, as her brain was short-circuiting. Riku gave her bop on the head that reset her system.
“You get the point. Now then: to Christmas Town!”
Another snap of the fingers and the white void that surrounded the trio was then replaced with the snowy outskirts of Christmas Town, occupied only by a small tree, the gateway leading back to Halloween Town, and the small mountain path leading to the town itself, home to the illustrious Santa Claus…
Did I mention they were about 50 feet above that location too?
“What is your deal with setting us up for falling to our dooms?” Riku yelled. And to answer your question: It’s fun. And it’s not like you’re going to die from it. “It still hurts! A lot!”
“Could you at least cut us a break for once? It’s Christmas after all!” Sora whined. But, oh fine, for the sake of Christmas. “Thanks! See, deep down, I always knew you were a stand up gu-“
ZA WARUDO!
Sora was puzzled. “Huh, what—“ Time itself had frozen.
And then, it unfroze. “—was that about?”
This: A giant steamroller then dropped on the trio, guiding them down towards ground level.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!” They all screamed like pussies.
And with a thunderous thud, they landed, the steamroller burying them into the snowy ground.
“I-I’m okay!” Kairi wheezed.
“No you’re not…” Sora argued.
“Yeah, you’re right, I’m not…” Kairi whined.
I then gave them a hand by making the steamroller disappear, allowing themselves to prop up from the snow and start their journey….
… Any minute now.
… Any minute now.
… Uh… uh oh.
We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.
|| FOUR MINUTES OF KITCHEN BOT ADS LATER ||
We now return you to your regularly scheduled bullshit.
So then, how are we feeling, guys?
“YOU’RE A SOCIOPATH!” Riku yelled.
Fantastic. So then, our heroes trudged along towards the city.
“Ugh...” Quit griping!
Ahem… they trudged along towards the city. It was December 24th, and Santa’s elves were abuzz, scrambling throughout the city plaza carrying presents and decorations, making sure that all preparations for the following day would be in order come midnight.
“Wow, these guys sure are abuzz.” I just said that, Sora. “Oops. Sorry.” Moron…
“Still, looks like everybody’s pretty busy. I wouldn’t want us to get in their way,” Riku said. “Of course, knowing you, Captain Insanity, I bet something is going to go wrong just so you can—“
And then, an explosion rang from Santa’s Workshop, blowing out part of the roof and leaving a torrent of flame behind from what appeared to be the toy factory.
“---get us involved.”
Hey, you have to admit, whenever you guys around, it usually means something is or is about to be f*cked up.
“He’s got a point,” Sora agreed. “Let’s head over. Santa might need our help!”
“Right!” Riku and Kairi chimed. The trio jogged over to the entrance to the workshop. Sora and Kairi reached the door, but Riku was stopped by a small elf pulling on his frilly skirt.
“”Ey you, Big Guy! We got a Code-5401 over at the reindeer stables, we need some extra hands to clear it up before Donner and Blitzer start getting’ antsy and cause another riot!” The elf said.
“What? But I don’t work here! I’m not even an elf!” Riku argued.
“Oh yeah? You sure do look like an elf. And don’t be using the ‘oh, I’m too big to be an elf’ excuse neither! We didn’t abolish the height rule for nothing! We’re an equal opportunity band of small-to-mid-height workers now!”
“I’m telling you, I’m not an elf! I’m just wearing a costume. See?” Riku said, trying to pull off his frilly skirt, fluffy hat, and adorable fake ears. “Describing them isn’t helping! And why won’t it all come off?” I already told you, none of it comes off until the special is done. Now get to work, Big Guy.
Riku groaned as he allowed him to be led by his new boss to the reindeer stables. “I’ll catch up with you guys later!”
“Well, I guess it’s just me and you for now, Kairi,” Sora said.
“I wonder what’s going on in there…” Kairi wondered as she and Sora went inside.
In the main lobby, Sora and Kairi encountered Santa Claus, who was feverishly scratching away at a clipboard while elves were constantly running back and forth in and out of the room and back into the factory entrance nearby.
“Mr. Santa!” Sora called, getting the old man’s attention.
“Ah, Sora my boy! Good timing! We’ve been cursed with some great misfortune and we could use your help.”
“We saw the explosion outside. Whatever it is, we’re on it!” Sora said.
“Oh, I see you have a friend with you this time around. Tell me, Miss Reindeer, what is your name?” Santa asked, addressing Kairi the way he did due to her hood being over her head and covering her face.
“Oh me?” Kairi chuckled. “Actually, Mr. Santa Claus—“ Kairi attempted to pull off her hood from her face, but it wouldn’t budge. “Uh… h-hold on a sec.” Another attempt, but it still wouldn’t come off. “What the—“ Kairi then started frantically pulling on the hood’s giant, anthropomorphic nose, but still, to no avail.
“What the heck happened? I can’t get my hood off!” Gee, Kairi. I wonder who did that… “Yeah me too! I’m very upset with whoever did this right now! Humph!” … You know what, never mind. The point is: Kairi can’t take her hood off and will now be confused for an actual reindeer for the rest of this special. Good luck. “Hey!”
“Well uh, anyways, Santa, this here is my new reindeer friend. Her name is… uh…” Sora thought of the names that Santa used for his reindeer so that Kairi’s new name would fit accordingly. What sort of name would he give her that would go along with labels such as Dasher, Vixen, or even Rudolph?
“… Fran. Her name is Fran the reindeer.” Yeah, that figures.
“Fran, huh? I’ve never seen a reindeer like you before,” Santa said. “Tell me, would you be interested in becoming one of my back-up flyers?”
“Uh…” “Fran” stammered.
“With all due respect Santa, me and Fran here should check out the factory now, see what’s up,” Sora said.
“Ah yes, you’re absolutely right. Please go right ahead. I’m counting on you.”
Sora and Fran entered the toy factory. The flaming wreckage created from the aftermath of the explosion was nestled right in the same place as the machines for mass-producing the various doo-dads and whoosy-whatsits. The elves were all in a panic, trying to figure out how to salvage the mess as well as the hopes of all the good little boys and girls from all over.
“Man, these guys are really in a panic.” Again… I just said that. Any more expository notes you’d like to steal or can I move on? “Geez, sorry, I didn’t know.” Yeah, sure you didn’t… anyways…
Two of the elves scrambled over to Sora and Fran.
“Yous is that kid with the big key right? The one who fought Oogie Boogie?” one of them asked.
“Yep, that’s me. I’m Sora! And this is my trusty companion, Fran the reindeer!”
“Reindeer noise!”
“Uh, okay den… er, we needs yous to help us get this place sorted out. Don’t you gots some kinds of gypsy spell or sumthin’ or otha that can help with this here predicament?”
“You mean magic? Sure!” Sora leaped over to the wreckage, Keyblade in hand. Using his Graviga spell, the masses of torn down brick and metal were shoved off to the side. A cleanup crew of elves was put in charge of sweeping it up bit by bit into an incinerator.
As Sora worked, ‘Fran’ was off to the side, not doing much due to her crippling Useless-itis that always seemed to pop up in dire situations.
“Hey! I’m not useless!” Oh yeah? Prove it.
Kairi stomped over to the wreckage spot and pulled out her Keyblade, attempting to use the same Graviga spell that Sora was using.
In response, the tip of her Keyblade coughed out a tiny bit of space matter. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
“I’m not useless!” C’mon, kid, there’s no reason to ashamed. Some people are doers, and others are sit-on-their-ass-and-do-nothingers. It’s just the natural order.
“Oh yeah well… what if I find out exactly who caused this mess in the first place?” And how are you going to do that?
Pulling out a magnifying glass, Fran then did some Sherlock Holmes type sleuthing around the area, looking for clues… oh sure, like that’s going to amount to anyth—
“I found something!” Well, I’ll be damned. Show the audience what you found, Fran.
“Here!” She held up a pair of Halloween masks, one shaped like a skull and the other shaped like the Devil’s face. “Whoever was here last left these behind.”
“Hold on a sec,” Sora said, examining the masks. “I know who those belong to: those kids that are always pestering Jack and siding with Oogie Boogie! They’re always up to something nasty. No doubt they’d be responsible for this, too!”
“You idiots, what happened to your masks?” cried a muffled, squeaky voice coming from the back of the room.
“Hey, don’t look at me, I was busy laying down the bombs!” cried another voice from the same direction.
“No, that was my job! You were supposed to be watching the door!” cried yet another voice nearby the other two.
Sora and Fran followed these voices to an auspicious present box hanging out by itself in the corner of the room where nobody could easily see it. How convenient. From inside, more squabbling could be heard.
“Man, this thing sure is a chatterbox!” Sora said, a rim-shot sounding from a nearby elf and his drum set, following shortly by an awkward pause and the sounds of crickets.
“… I’m sorry.” You should be. Anyways, Sora and Fran opened the box, and inside were the culprits. Those dastardly foes that opposed Sora in the past, those pure evil masterminds capable of wonton destruction and pure, unadulterated terror…
… Three little half-pints. Two of which, the boys, were girlishly slapping at each other while the third one, the girl, was trying to separate them. These are our villains, ladies and gentlemen.
“Lock! Shock! Barrel!” Sora cried, alerting the three brats that they had been exposed.
“Uh-oh!” They all cried, quickly scrambling out of the box and across the factory room floor.
“Hey, get back here!” Sora cried.
“You’ll never catch us! Neener neener neener!” Barrel taunted.
“We’ll see about that!” Sora lifted up the box that the three were hiding in. “Kair-I mean, uh, Fran—“
“Do you really have to keep calling me that?” Yes. “Be quiet!”
“I need you to use your powers to round up these guys so I can put them back in this box. Think you can handle it?”
“What? My powers? You mean my Keyblade?” Oh no, young Fran. I believe he’s referring to something much more powerful. “Wait… you don’t mean…” Ohhh yes. “Oh, gosh dangit, I thought we were done making me do that!”
“Come on Fran, this is for the sake of Christmas! You don’t want Christmas to end, do you?”
Fran sighed. “No.”
“Then please, just one more time: use the Rainbow Runs Gun.”
“Fine…” Fran then pulled out a fruit that I materialized in her pocket and ate it whole. Then, she got down on all fours— “What? I’ve never had to do it like that before!” Christmas is on the line, dammit! “Okay okay, geez!” For real now, she got down on all fours and pointed her butt towards the escaping trio, charging up her blast.
“Huh, what are those guys doin’?” Asked Shock.
“What, are they tryin’ to moon us? That’s our job!” Lock argued.
“Yeah, let’s show ‘em how it’s done!” Barrel cried. Both he and Lock then dropped their trousers and shined their small cheeks towards the heroes.
“Let loose, Fran!” Sora commanded. With that, Fran exerted herself and blew a large bullet of compressed rainbows straight at Lock’s exposed ass, knocking him into the nearby wall with a cry of pain.
Sticking to the wall for a brief moment, the little ingrate unstuck and fell to ground level. Sora quickly appeared underneath him and caught him in the box. “Okay, Fran, now we need the other two!”
“O-okay!” Fran called, charging up for another blast.
“Uh-oh!” Barrel cried, noticing that he was next. He struggled to get away, but the trousers around his ankles made him trip up.
Fran fired her next blast, also hitting Barrel upside the ass. He flew straight up into the air. Sora intercepted his path and catching him in the box like a star baseball athlete catches an incoming pop fly in the in zone.
“You’re the last one, Shock!” Sora said.
“Have a heart, why don’t you?” She squealed, frozen in place.
“I do have a heart! You, though, I’m not so sure about.”
“Hey!”
“Get her, Fran!” Fran then shot her last bullet. Shock tried to get away, but this particular shot of rainbow energy had a homing lock-on feature.
“That’s not fair!” Lock cried, running around in a circle while trying to avoid the blast following behind her. But, just like any other n00b, her ass got three-sixty no scoped, allowing Sora to scoop her up in the box, sealing the lid on tight.
“GG, guys. Now then, let’s hand you over to Santa. He’ll know what to do with you. Oh and, how are you hangin’, Fran?”
“My butt hurts sooo muuuch…” Fran whined, laying hunch over with her butt emitting a small stream of light smoke. Um… medic!
|| FOUR MORE MINUTES OF KITCHEN BOT ADS LATER ||
Back in Santa’s office, Sora and Fran handed over the munchkins to Santa.
“Ho-ho-ho, thank you very much, Sora. I’ll make sure to send these kids back home where they belong,” Santa said.
“No problem, Santa. Any time!” Sora said.
Then, in walked our elf friend Riku, having finished his important job with his fellow elves, and for some reason, carrying a very potent smell with him.
“Hey Riku, there you are!” Sora called before the smell injected itself into his nostrils. He along with Fran and even Santa then held their noses in disgust.
“Ew Riku, is that coming from you?” Fran cried. “Where have you been?”
“Apparently, a “Code 5401” is emergency reindeer stable cleansing. Meaning I just spent my time swabbing up reindeer droppings,” Riku said, sounding as though he just had all the life drained out of him.
“Oh wow. That sucks.”
“Yes. Indeed it does. You could almost say, that like me, it stinks.” Uh… in the background, an elf hits a rim-shot on the drum, and then-OH GOD, RIKU’S BEATING THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF IT! OH GOD, WHY RIKU WHY! THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY! OH GOD NO NO NO, DON’T RIP OUT HIS EYESOCKE-JESUS, HE PULLED OUT HIS EYESOCKET! BLOOD IS SQUIRTING EVERYWHERE! THIS IS PURE INSANITY, OH MY GOOO—
|| ONE TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES SCREEN LATER ||
Whew… huh… okay… got it all out of your system, Riku?
“For the most part.” Okay… okay, good. Now please… don’t ever do that again.
“I make no promises.” Dammit Riku, do you know how expensive it was to scrap that entire poor elf’s body parts into a body bag and ship it off to Dr. Finkelstein so he could attempt to put him back together again?
“You don’t have to pay for anything for this show.” … Oh yeah.
Well anyways, the group is back together again and the crisis is averted. Or so it seems…
“Wait, we’re not done?” Well of course not. You think I’d end off on a boring cliffhanger like that? “It wouldn’t be the first time…” Shut up.
But yes, there’s another problem going on, as Santa explained:
“… Oh, me? Ahem… Sora, Riku, and Fran, I’m afraid that there’s another crisis threatening the stability of Christmas at the moment.”
“And that is?” Sora said.
“Apparently, some of the reindeer got sick because someone accidentally tainted their feed.”
Everyone stares at Riku.
Riku is taken aback. “What? It wasn’t me!” Liar. “Look, I just waded through reindeer shit back at the stables, I didn’t touch their food.”
“Regardless of who did it, now I do not have enough reindeer in order to fly the sleigh. All the good little boys and girls won’t be able to get their presents!” Truly, a tragedy worse than anything else in the world right now…
“That’s awful!” Sora agreed. “Well, whatever we can do, we’ll make sure that you can ride your sleigh tonight Santa. Anything!”
“Hmm… well, your reindeer friend looks like she could help out.”
Fran was taken aback. “Me? But I’m not a—“
“Er, yeah! Sure thing Santa! Fran here is a great sleigh puller. She can get it done in no time!” Sora said.
“Sora!”
“Sora’s right, Mr. Claus, if there’s anybody you can rely on, it’s Fran,” Riku added.
“Riku? You too?”
Riku whispered to Fran, “Look, just go along with it, the sooner we do this, the faster this nightmare of a special is over.” I can hear you, you know. “You don’t even have any ideas planned after this bit, do you?” … You don’t know that.
Anyways, Sora and Riku helped Santa get Fran tied to the sleigh—
“Dangit, I said that I didn’t want to do this! You can’t force me to do something I don’t wan—“
What I meant to say was, Fran went ahead and slapped some duct tape on her own mouth so that she would do a better job at pulling the sleight by not letting all her bitch whining get in the wall.
“Mmph! Mmph mmph mmph!”
Then, Sora and Riku helped Santa tie Fran to the sleigh, slipping a holster onto her body.
“Mmph…”
“Okay Santa, you’re ready to go!” Sora said, he and Riku on the side of the sleight with Santa stationed in the front seat.
“Fantastic! You’ve been a real help Sora, you and your friends. Ho-ho-ho!”
“Well, at least we’re finally done, for the most part…” Riku said.
“Man Riku, I would have never imagined that you’d end up helping as one of Santa’s elves and with his sleigh.”
“Hm? What is that, Sora?” Santa asked.
“You don’t remember what I said about Riku before? When I was a little kid, he told me that you weren’t real.”
“Oh did he…?”
“Well to be fair Mr. Claus, I obviously have to take back what I said given that—“
Santa quickly reached his arm over to grab Riku’s brightly colored collar and pulled him close. “Maybe we should fix that, little elf. I have a little machine stored in the back of my office that I break out for all the bad elves that shirk their responsibilities and stray from believing in Santa…”
Riku looked paler than Santa’s beard color while Sora was just as scared. “Er, Santa? L-Let’s just calm down a little ok—“
“BACK OFF KRINGLE!” Riku screamed, breaking out of Santa’s grip, pulling out a pistol and then shooting him straight in the rib-HOLY SHIT, RIKU!
Santa screamed out in pain as he fell out of his seat and onto the ground below, the side of his waist bleeding red like his signature coat and staining the snow.
“WHAT THE HELL WHAS THAT FOR?” Santa yelled.
“WHAT THE CRUD DID YOU DO THAT FOR RIKU?” Sora yelled.
“HE WAS THREATENING ME, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? HE’S A CRAZY SON OF A BITCH!”
“I WAS JUST MESSING WITH YOU!”
“AND YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PULLED OUT A GUN, YOU’RE THE CRAZY ONE!”
“AGH, IT JUST HAPPENED, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING!”
“QUICK, SOMEBODY GET A DOCTOR, SANTA IS DYING!”
God dammit, can we go one Christmas special without someone getting eviscerated in some matter? This is supposed to be a story of innocence and fun!
“You wouldn’t know ‘innocence and fun’ if it smacked you upside the head!” I’m doing my best, Riku! “Well, you suck at it…”
Okay, this is getting ridiculous… I guess now that Santa has been carried off on a stretcher so his gunshot wound can be treated, our “heroes” Sora and Riku will have to fly the sleigh.
“What? How are we gonna fly a sleigh?” Riku whined, not that he has any right to.
“Oh come on, Riku, it’s probably super easy. It’s like riding a Gummi Ship. You never forget!”
“Sora, the last time you took control of our Gummi Ship, you crashed us into a meteor. Four times in a row!”
“Uh… what’s the opposite of beginner’s luck?”
“Brain damage. Anyways, I’m driving.” Riku hopped into the front seat and took the reigns. Sora pouted and took the passenger’s seat.
Holding the reigns, Riku was puzzled. “Wait, how are we going to make Kairi—“
“Fran.”
“Whatever. How are we going to make her fly?”
“Mmph mmph mmph!” Translation: “I dunno either because I’m just a stupid little reindeer, derpy derpy doooo…” “Mmph!” What, that’s what you said.
“Simple, Riku: with her special ability.”
“Mmph?” That’s right folks, once again, Fran the reindeer is going to break out her signature power, the one that everybody knows and loves her for! “Mmph…”
Conceding to the will of Christmas, Fran swallowed her pride (that’s not the only thing she swallows. Hey-ooooh!) and started up her butt for another run with the Rainbow Runs Gun, turning it into the word’s most fabulous turbine.
The small flurry of rainbow particles enough to push them forward, Riku jerked his reigns. “Uh, onward, Fran!” He awkwardly called, Fran running on all fours.
And as they gained speed, Fran found the courage inside (with a little help from Riku constantly whipping her with the reigns) to leap upwards and carry them all with the beams of colors sprouting from her backside in a glorious and triumphant launch to save Christmas!
And then they fell. “Hey!” Just kidding.
Anyways, soon enough, they found themselves in the same town as the one that was shown in the “The Nightmare Before Christmas” movie because I’m sure as Hell not gonna write scenes for every stinkin’ town on this trip.
Also, they only had about a half hour since Sora’s stubbornness about riding the sleigh got the best of them along the way.
“Damn it Sora, thanks to you, now we only have a half hour to deliv-oh wait, you said that already.” Finally! At least somebody understands what my job is!
“Well, I got an idea of how to do it quickly! Instead of slipping down the chimneys, Let’s just chuck all the presents down and hope that they land inside!”
“And what happens if we miss?”
“Then hopefully they’re fine with picking up their presents out of their front or backyards!”
“… Good enough for me! Let’s do it!”
And so, with Fran continuing to bust her ass (literally) and keep the sleigh afloat, Sora and Riku reached into the big bag of gifts in the back of the sleigh and threw all the multicolored wrapped boxes they could into the houses one by one. For the most part, they were on-point. Except for Sora accidently dropping a large box that contained a whole stereo sound system onto a man checking his mail before heading in for the night. Sorry, Dave.
In the midst of their box throwing however, the sound of sleigh bells could be heard. Not their sleigh bells, but an entirely different set ringing from-wait a minute, is that Jack Skellington?
“Hiya, Sora! Busy this time of night too, I see!” Jack called, decked out in his poor man’s attempt at a Santa Claus cosplay and riding his own version of Santa’s sleigh alongside Sora’s and Riku’s while being driven by skeleton reindeer (which I have to admit, look especially kickass).
“Jack? What are you doing here? I thought you were done doing wacky Christmas stuff!” Sora said.
“Who the Hell is this?” Riku asked.
“Oh yeah, this is my friend Jack. I helped him out a couple times before. He’s from Halloween Town.”
“Ah, and you must be the friend that Sora was looking for all this time. Congratulations on meeting up with each other again!” Jack called.
“Yeah yeah yeah, friendship and junk, what I want to know is what the Hell are you doing?”
“Oh, don’t mind me! I heard about what happened in Christmas Town just recently so I decided to lend a helping hand!”
“Uh, that’s nice Jack, but me and Riku already have things covered!”
“I’ll just be heading over to Africa and Switzerland then! I’ll rendezvous with you in Hong Kong and we’ll go from there! Merry Christmas!” Jack said, riding his sleight away from the trio and proceeding to go make things worse. Again.
Sora sighed. “It pains me to say this but… Riku, you still got that gun?”
“Say no more.” Riku then pulled out the same gun he used to shoot Santa and, with pinpoint accuracy, shot Jack in the back of the head, sending him and his sleigh crashing down below. Don’t worry folks, he’s immortal.
With Jack out of the way, Sora, Riku, and Fran finished their journey, delivered all the presents without a hitch and rode their sleigh back to Christmas Town.
“Really? That’s it?” Sora asked.
“Told you he was out of ideas…” Leave me alone, I’m tired!
So then: our heroes were victorious, the gifts were delivered, and Christmas was saved.
And we heard Sora and Riku exclaim as they drove out of sight: “Merry Bullshit Christmas to all, and to all a shitty night!”
“Mmph mmph, mmph mmph!” Oh all right Fran, I’m taking the tape off, so you can say something too. “Thank you. Now as I was saying… YOU BETTER FIND YOURSELF A GOOD LAWYER BECAUSE WHEN I’M OUT OF HERE, I AM COMING FOR YOU, YOU BIG STUPID—
Quick, cue the ending card!
|| THE END ||